Page 19 | To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 20:11

@LouJ85

Couldn't think of anything nice to say to "I didn't want them at our wedding..." etc so clicked straight back off it.

... Which is clearly a snippet of someone's comment which likely has a humongously relevant backstory. Decontextualised examples aren't helpful.

The tone of the post was nasty.

OP posts:

wildraisins · 28/12/2020 20:12

My experience of having a step-parent was overall a very good one, and much better than the alternative of having my birth parents live together and attempt to raise me.

These things are what they are, and if parents have split up it is usually for a reason.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 20:14

@Alwaysandforeverhere

The ideal would be for separated parents to put their children first and still work together. You don’t have to live together and make babies together to be in a happy relationship as adults. You choose that because it’s what you want while just going hey the child will love a younger sibling/extra siblings.

Yes younger siblings also happen in homes where parents are together but that isn’t an added stresser on top of separated parents and that’s the minor often overlooked technicality. Just because extra siblings may happen in a biological nuclear family doesn’t mean that it happening in a separated family is the same with the same feelings.

You can in fact do the right thing by your children from a first relationship, still "work together" and coparent as separated parents, and have a happy new relationship with new half siblings created. Believe it or not, these aren't mutually exclusive courses of action.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 20:14

@LouJ85

Couldn't think of anything nice to say to "I didn't want them at our wedding..." etc so clicked straight back off it.

... Which is clearly a snippet of someone's comment which likely has a humongously relevant backstory. Decontextualised examples aren't helpful.

Nope. That was pretty much the gist of it and wasn't even the most spiteful. I'm sorry that my compassion for these kids in question is so offensive to you. I didn't comment on that thread for the very reason it's not for me to pass comment on. I couldn't add any insight or contribute positively. This is a thread to discuss and recognise the difficulties that step children face which I am qualified to do. Despite many PP trying to minimise my thoughts, feelings and experiences.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 20:15

If my mum and dad hadn't remarried most of my issues wouldn't exist

So if your parents hadn't remarried you wouldn't have had separate clothes at two houses, you wouldn't have lived between two houses, you would have been able to say mum and dad and so on...?

Okay. You tell yourself it's all because you were a step child. I think you're projecting hugely and conflating two very separate issues. I'm not sure how it's even possible to blame 95% of your list on the fact you were a step child tbh. I can't see it at all considering its what millions of children of divorce also experience without step parents.

I'm not suggesting that none of the issues you have were because of step parents. I'm sure you do have some. But in the main, everything you have listed is because your parents were divorced. If they hadn't have gotten divorced, you wouldn't have experienced them.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 20:16

This is a thread to discuss and recognise the difficulties that step children face which I am qualified to do

It's not though. It's a thread about children of separated parents. It has barely anything to do with step parents despite what OP is trying to imply.

I am also 'qualified' as a step child and a child who's parents separated. I had all of the issues OP described BECAUSE my parents got divorced, not because they remarried.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 28/12/2020 20:18

Lost step children would disagree but whatever helps you sleep a night.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 20:18

So if your parents hadn't remarried you wouldn't have had separate clothes at two houses, you wouldn't have lived between two houses, you would have been able to say mum and dad and so on...?

I'm pretty sure my dad wouldn't have cared about me taking clothes to and from his house to my mums house.

*Okay. You tell yourself it's all because you were a step child. I think you're projecting hugely and conflating two very separate issues. I'm not sure how it's even possible to blame 95% of your list on the fact you were a step child tbh. I can't see it at all considering its what millions of children of divorce also experience without step parents.

I'm not suggesting that none of the issues you have were because of step parents. I'm sure you do have some. But in the main, everything you have listed is because your parents were divorced. If they hadn't have gotten divorced, you wouldn't have experienced them.*

You are assuming so much.

OP posts:

Alwaysandforeverhere · 28/12/2020 20:18

Most not lost of course.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 20:19

And it's a thread trying to blame the issues involved with having divorced parents, on step parents.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 20:19

The tone of the post was nasty.

As is often the way in which step mothers are spoken to and dealt with by ex wives from a first marriage. Which can extend to the ways in which their stepkids then relate to their stepmums. Which is a horrendously stressful (and unfair) situation to be in when you are trying to make the best of a blended family situation. Hence the thread being created as a "safe space" for step mothers to vent.

I'm personally lucky in that my DP's kids are very polite and lovely to me. However I can totally empathise with step mothers who have a rough ride despite their best efforts. So I understand the sentiment behind the thread.

My point simply being - PPs are complaining that there can't exist a thread about how hard stepkids have had it without other views and opinions coming in from those who disagree. Exact same applies to stepmothers and that thread is a prime example.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 20:19

My dad wouldn't have moved to a different town either. Which isn't entirely my step mums fault except the fact she wouldn't move.

OP posts:

Anon19493 · 28/12/2020 20:20

Some posters seem to really not be grasping the presents thing.

If DH chooses to spend £50 on each of his DC and I choose to spend £50 on each of my (our) DC, that automatically means DSD gets less at ours. Or should I just not spend money on my child? Because that's clearly the only way to make it "fair" according to some posters

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 20:21

I'm pretty sure my dad wouldn't have cared about me taking clothes to and from his house to my mums house

Your dad shouldn't have cared whether he remarried or not. The fact he did is down to him.

Again, I'm sorry if your step mother pushed you out. But your list is not solely experienced by step children. In general it's experienced by children of divorced/separated parents.

If your parents allowed those issues to be even worse when they remarried then they are shit parents.

CallmeNessa · 28/12/2020 20:21

My parents divorced when I was 7. My DF remarried quickly & DM moved in with another woman. Neither of the new women wanted me around and made me feel very unwelcome wherever I was. I didn't get the same treatment as DSsis or DHB at DF's new home. I didn't get a room, I went once per month until DF moved to the other side of the country then it was 3x per year. I was not taken on family holidays except sometimes trips to see family. It was all utterly shit & I don't waste much time thinking or dwelling on it all now. It was unfair, the adults were highly dysfunctional and I always felt I got a raw deal. Not to mention being screwed up.

I'm a step-parent & parent now & whilst things aren't always easy I hope I am not a shite as all those people were. It doesn't have to be terrible, even when it's not ideal. And in spite of all that happened, I can't imagine my parents having stayed together - they were entirely incompatible.

As a result I'm barely in contact with DF, DM is no longer alive and I am NC with her partner.

Forgive them and move on with your life is the only advice I could possibly have for you. You aren't likely to receive an apology ime!

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 20:21

@CrackALack

And it's a thread trying to blame the issues involved with having divorced parents, on step parents.

100%.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 20:22

I'm sorry that my compassion for these kids in question is so offensive to you.

Erm, what? Who's offended?

This is a thread to discuss and recognise the difficulties that step children face which I am qualified to do.

As am I. I've been a step child, my DP has 2 kids who I'm effectively in a step parent role to (despite not being married), and my daughter has been a step child for the past 7 years.

midsummabreak · 28/12/2020 20:26

I feel like the Op doesn’t want to dispute that parents shouldn’t leave their partner, especially in a miserable or abusive relationship, when of course the parent needs to leave for the well-being of the parent and family. Also yes, agreed many of the issues Op discusses are shared by children of seperated parents and not just experienced by step children. But Op makes important points highlighting among other things the shit way biological parents and step parents manage children’s lives between two homes, that lead to children feeling displaced and like a permanent visitor in their parents’ different homes. Step children and children of seperated parents often suffer hideous depression, and mental health concerns due to the utterly shit ways parents coordinate the children living out of a suitcase between two homes. Both seperated parents should never make the child pack a suitcase, and leave plenty of clothes and toiletries at each home, there is enough stress for children to deal with without having to stress about if the parent once again argues over a hairbrush clothes or shoes and magnifies the child’s stress.

ChiBox · 28/12/2020 20:27

@Sarcobaleno

I'm a stepchild, whose parent went on to have more children. I have always been a second-class-citizen, and even now I'm middle aged with kids of my own it hurts. I've never, ever mattered the way my brother and sister do. Doesn't do much for your self esteem. Please be kind step parents, none of it is a child's making.

This is me in a nutshell too. Christmas time makes it even more apparent. Im going to look into counselling via my work in Jan.

Jellyrunner · 28/12/2020 20:29

@w0rkout

Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So @Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

What of any of that is particularly to do with being a stepchild? It’s more related to separated parents. That’s the issue you appear to be raising in this list

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 20:29

@midsummabreak

I feel like the Op doesn’t want to dispute that parents shouldn’t leave their partner, especially in a miserable or abusive relationship, when of course the parent needs to leave for the well-being of the parent and family. Also yes, agreed many of the issues Op discusses are shared by children of seperated parents and not just experienced by step children. But Op makes important points highlighting among other things the shit way biological parents and step parents manage children’s lives between two homes, that lead to children feeling displaced and like a permanent visitor in their parents’ different homes. Step children and children of seperated parents often suffer hideous depression, and mental health concerns due to the utterly shit ways parents coordinate the children living out of a suitcase between two homes. Both seperated parents should never make the child pack a suitcase, and leave plenty of clothes and toiletries at each home, there is enough stress for children to deal with without having to stress about if the parent once again argues over a hairbrush clothes or shoes and magnifies the child’s stress.

I had to pack a suitcase. Nothing was provided. Everything got “lost”. My children weren’t allowed to have toothbrushes.

Even the bags I sent stuff in - nice suitcases - were “lost” and stuff returned in Tesco bags.

If clothes were left they were clothes I had to provide as their dad wouldn’t provide as much as a pair of socks. That’s what my child benefit was for. Not maintenance. I didn’t get that.

I tried and broke myself but I had no control over any of that.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 20:30

*allowed to have toothbrushes left at their dads house.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 20:31

@Nnkk please stop.

What do you want from this thread?

OP posts:

GlummyMcGlummerson · 28/12/2020 20:35

I'm a single mum and quite honestly wouldn't put my children through the hell of being step children and I wouldn't want the hell of being a step parent either. Way too many politics. I'm happy being single but if I did find a partner I would see absolutely no reason why he'd need to be involved in my children's lives or me in his children's if he had them

Jellyrunner · 28/12/2020 20:35

@temproasted

Being a step child was shit for me and still is to some extent even in my 40s. I'm now in this bizarre situation where my step mum (who is/was an utter bitch) relies on me a bit since my dad died.

I'm finding it really hard as part of me just wants to say fk off and have nothing to do with her or her kids, as they weren't nice to me when I was a child (not abusive but probably mentally abusive to some extent, and I was 13 when she met my dad). But the other part of me feels too guilty to do that. It does seem weird though that all the 'love' I'm getting now I could've really done with when i was much younger rather than now I'm in my 40s. Seems somewhat convenient particularly as I'm now much more useful (ie helping with shopping trips, house help etc)

My step dad isn't a dream parent either but that's a whole other story

Totally within your rights to say F off if that is what you want to do. Not sure why you would feel guilty if you are sure she treated your badly. She’s not related to you at all.