Page 21 | To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:11

You're happy to let step mums "vent" about their terrible step children

Did I say this? I don't think I did.

I said it's a place to vent about the challenges of the role. I have never condoned anyone saying their step children are "terrible" and if you read my comments further up thread about this, you'll see that in fact I referenced the "terrible" ex wives and the dynamics they often create that step mums often have to put up with, which in turn can affect the way the children relate to stepmum (unfairly when she's trying her best).

So, you seem to have widely misinterpreted.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:11

Well, me for a start

Please point out what I have "corrected"?

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 21:13

My kids are so much happier now that I’m no longer with their father too. No way was I staying in that relationship a second longer just “for the kids”. It’s a million times better for them that I’m no longer with their father.

His older child, my former dsc, benefitted hugely from not having their parents together. Because their mum was able to build a very good life for them after they split. I admit I was very fed up about the fact that my children had a shit life in comparison and I was envious of everything they had. I realised, my ex was stopping our children from having a good life. So I made the big change and booted him out, and over this past year my children have started to benefit hugely from it in so many ways.

The only issue now is him coming here to see the kids once or twice a week, but that’s such a small issue in comparison to what life was like before.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:21

@LouJ85

You're happy to let step mums "vent" about their terrible step children

Did I say this? I don't think I did.

I said it's a place to vent about the challenges of the role. I have never condoned anyone saying their step children are "terrible" and if you read my comments further up thread about this, you'll see that in fact I referenced the "terrible" ex wives and the dynamics they often create that step mums often have to put up with, which in turn can affect the way the children relate to stepmum (unfairly when she's trying her best).

So, you seem to have widely misinterpreted.

I have not. You stated you took the step mum thread as tongue in cheek but I can clearly see (and gave an example) of it not being so. Many of them explicitly reference their dislike of their step children. I've not misunderstood. You're gaslighting.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 21:24

Thought you didn't go on that board?

And guess what, some people don't like their own children at times. I'm sure you think that's fine, so why is it not okay to dislike your step kids sometimes?

Bollss · 28/12/2020 21:25

Also a big difference is that the step parenting thread doesn't claim that all step kids are arsehole and step parents all have it tough, does it? Like this one makes a huge sweeping generalisation, that one doesn't, does it?

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:25

You're gaslighting.

😂 oh Christ alive, this is a first.

I'm what now?? Please explain ...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:27

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Thought you didn't go on that board?

And guess what, some people don't like their own children at times. I'm sure you think that's fine, so why is it not okay to dislike your step kids sometimes?

You're honestly embarrassing.

I didn't post. I read, was revolted, realised I had no place to comment so moved on.

I was t even the one who brought it up on this thread.

XelaM · 28/12/2020 21:28

I must say the "step-parenting" forum on mumsnet is absolutely frightening. Those women are so mean and if anyone tries to point out that they are behaving like (w)itches to their poor step-kids, they start accusing posters of being in the "fist-wives" brigade. Well, I am a first wife with a daughter, but my ex-husband went on to have another 3 kids after our split and I honestly hold absolutely no grudges against any if them and treat them nicely just like I do my nieces/nephews on my ex-husband's side. I don't see why it's so hard!

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:29

Many of them explicitly reference their dislike of their step children.

And so frigging what if they do? Sometimes I express my dislike of my own child to others when she pisses me off! That's parenting, isn't it - it's fucking hard work so you vent and offload to others, doesn't mean you love your kids any less. And stepparenting is a whole different ballgame with way harder challenges than parenting (in my view), so why shouldn't stepmums have a place to vent and moan?! You can (believe it or not) temporarily "dislike" others (yes, including children) and still be a good enough parent / step parent, you know!

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:30

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Thought you didn't go on that board?

And guess what, some people don't like their own children at times. I'm sure you think that's fine, so why is it not okay to dislike your step kids sometimes?

Same thoughts!

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:32

You stated you took the step mum thread as tongue in cheek but I can clearly see (and gave an example) of it not being so.

From your perspective it is not tongue in cheek. That's fine, that's your opinion.

From my perspective, it is. And that's fine too.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:32

@LouJ85

Many of them explicitly reference their dislike of their step children.

And so frigging what if they do? Sometimes I express my dislike of my own child to others when she pisses me off! That's parenting, isn't it - it's fucking hard work so you vent and offload to others, doesn't mean you love your kids any less. And stepparenting is a whole different ballgame with way harder challenges than parenting (in my view), so why shouldn't stepmums have a place to vent and moan?! You can (believe it or not) temporarily "dislike" others (yes, including children) and still be a good enough parent / step parent, you know!

I said it's a place to vent about the challenges of the role. I have never condoned anyone saying their step children are "terrible

Also

And so frigging what if they do

At least keep up with your own bullshit

potkettleblock · 28/12/2020 21:35

It’s not ideal to be a child of separated parents but I think it’s less ideal being brought up in an unhappy household where the parents are staying together ‘for the kids’.

Interesting that all the blame is placed on the step parents rather than on the parents when the child has had a bad experience. Mostly blaming the step mother rather than the father.

These wicked step mothers were only able to treat you badly because your father allowed it. You are his child, his responsibility, it happened because he let it happen. You are the victim of a shit father who didn’t care enough to protect you first and foremost.

I’m a single parent, both ExH and I have remained single so no particular skin in this game. Just sick of the ‘evil stepmother’ narrative when the blame should lie with the shit father every time. Whether he is ‘weak’ or not.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:37

*I said it's a place to vent about the challenges of the role. I have never condoned anyone saying their step children are "terrible

Also

And so frigging what if they do

At least keep up with your own bullshit*

Bullshit?

Ok let's make this simple:

I have never said it's ok to just say your step kids are "terrible", as a blanket statement, as per your original accusation.

But (separate issue entirely) - I believe it's absolutely OK to sometimes dislike people because of their behaviour.

They are not the same thing.

Hence a post that said "my step kids are the work of the fucking devil" would not get my sympathy; whereas a post that said "I sometimes dislike my step kids .... is this normal?" would get my sympathy.

Can I make that any simpler for you? Or are we on the same page now?

GuiEtVin · 28/12/2020 21:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 21:40

@XelaM

I must say the "step-parenting" forum on mumsnet is absolutely frightening. Those women are so mean and if anyone tries to point out that they are behaving like (w)itches to their poor step-kids, they start accusing posters of being in the "fist-wives" brigade. Well, I am a first wife with a daughter, but my ex-husband went on to have another 3 kids after our split and I honestly hold absolutely no grudges against any if them and treat them nicely just like I do my nieces/nephews on my ex-husband's side. I don't see why it's so hard!

Frightening? What's frightening is women being bullied for being honest. I take it you've never dealt with an ex wife who tri3d to ruin your life then no?

Then no, I'm sure you don't know wwjays so hard, but many of us do so maybe have a bit of empathy eh?

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:41

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Therefore.... expressing a dislike towards your step kids (or any kids) when a situation is challenging, is in my view, totally normal and human. We can't like all the people all the time. Especially when difficult dynamics are involved.

However, saying "x person is a terrible person" is, to me, more of a blanket statement about their personality, which implies no personal responsibility or connection to the situation at all.

When someone expresses a dislike, they are at least able to acknowledge their own role within that relational dynamic. And that wins more sympathy from me.

I hope this helps to unravel the apparent "bullshit".

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:43

Frightening? What's frightening is women being bullied for being honest.

Agreed.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 21:43

To me, the difference here is two fold. The thread is in AIBU. And it makes sweeping generalisations that are a false equivalence.

In addition, the made your bed comment was abhorrent.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:43

@LouJ85

*I said it's a place to vent about the challenges of the role. I have never condoned anyone saying their step children are "terrible

Also

And so frigging what if they do

At least keep up with your own bullshit*

Bullshit?

Ok let's make this simple:

I have never said it's ok to just say your step kids are "terrible", as a blanket statement, as per your original accusation.

But (separate issue entirely) - I believe it's absolutely OK to sometimes dislike people because of their behaviour.

They are not the same thing.

Hence a post that said "my step kids are the work of the fucking devil" would not get my sympathy; whereas a post that said "I sometimes dislike my step kids .... is this normal?" would get my sympathy.

Can I make that any simpler for you? Or are we on the same page now?

Can I just clarify: I'm not stupid. I can read. I have a MA. I have a good job. I am a worth while human being. My opinions are valid. My experiences are valid. Disagreeing with you doesn't make someone stupid. Aligning my sympathies with the children between step families doesn't make me a bad person. This is a pointless back and forth in which you (and Genie) keep resorting to implying I'm stupid because I simply won't agree with you. Please stop. I will not going to agree with you.

RedMarauder · 28/12/2020 21:44

[quote midsummabreak]@Nnkk I m sorry you had such a bastard of an ex to deal with, that is so nasty of your ex husband to withhold and steal suitcases, clothes and children’s items. He probably thinks it is so clever to steal items from you or withhold items, out of spite to you, but instead he is very much hurting his own child. Such shit behaviour is typical of certain arsehole fathers, who belong to the group of fathers who love to behave like an arsehole, relish the opportunity hurt their partner, and often continue their nasty, abusive behaviour long after separating, via the child. There is no simple answer, when dealing with abusive partners, and you are right to highlight this.[/quote]
More separated parents (of both sexes) than you realise play stupid games like that.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:45

@XelaM

I must say the "step-parenting" forum on mumsnet is absolutely frightening. Those women are so mean and if anyone tries to point out that they are behaving like (w)itches to their poor step-kids, they start accusing posters of being in the "fist-wives" brigade. Well, I am a first wife with a daughter, but my ex-husband went on to have another 3 kids after our split and I honestly hold absolutely no grudges against any if them and treat them nicely just like I do my nieces/nephews on my ex-husband's side. I don't see why it's so hard!

Agreed! You have my total support in this. X

Bollss · 28/12/2020 21:45

This is a pointless back and forth in which you (and Genie) keep resorting to implying I'm stupid because I simply won't agree with you

I don't care if you agree with me, my point is you're contradicting yourself. You're disagreeing, with yourself.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:46

@TrustTheGeneGenie

This is a pointless back and forth in which you (and Genie) keep resorting to implying I'm stupid because I simply won't agree with you

I don't care if you agree with me, my point is you're contradicting yourself. You're disagreeing, with yourself.

I've not wavered in my stance once.