To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

I feel like the Op doesn’t want to dispute that parents shouldn’t leave their partner

Incorrect. Further up thread she agreed with another poster's ridiculous suggestion of cohabiting in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the kids, until they turn 18, because "you made your bed" or some similar comment.

@Anon19493

Some posters seem to really not be grasping the presents thing.

If DH chooses to spend £50 on each of his DC and I choose to spend £50 on each of my (our) DC, that automatically means DSD gets less at ours. Or should I just not spend money on my child? Because that's clearly the only way to make it "fair" according to some posters

Totally agree. We had that issue a little this Christmas. SC looked a bit pissed off they had less to open than DC. SC are 13 and 17 and wanted money and DC are 1 and 2 so even in full bio family dynamics it is likely they would have less to unwrap as unwrapping an envelope doesn’t take so much, but not only that SC then went to their mums for another Christmas where they got another whole load of presents. DC get all of theirs in one go, no second Christmas. I don’t know why people find this hard to understand.

I haven't seen my Dad or SM since I was 4. She hated me, absolutely despised me. I suspect because she had 4 sons and always wanted a girl although I can't know this for certain. The last day I saw them, my Dad was at work and she locked me out on the balcony with the german Shepard she had that I was terrified of, screaming for ages to let me in, she didn't. The dog turned on me, savaged my legs and she then she kept calling me a stupid selfish child for "making the dog do that". That's my experience of step parents. I'm now actively looking into having a family of my own, with a sperm donor. My Mum did so well raising me alone, and I want a family, but cannot risk a breakup like my parents did because step parenting is just urg.

It's really not lighthearted though is it. It's fairly nasty.

It's clearly lighthearted and tongue in cheek to me, but I'm not damaged from a negative experience as a step child, so I'm coming at it from a different angle. I'm in a step parent role myself and can empathise wholly with the challenges of that role, hence why I perceive that thread in the spirit it is intended - as a safe space to vent about the challenges of the role.

@LouJ85

I feel like the Op doesn’t want to dispute that parents shouldn’t leave their partner

Incorrect. Further up thread she agreed with another poster's ridiculous suggestion of cohabiting in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the kids, until they turn 18, because "you made your bed" or some similar comment.

You've edited the quote there. I obviously don't think people in abusive relationships should stay in them.

@w0rkout
Let me help you.

This was another poster's comment: "Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship."

In response, this was my question: "Are you suggesting that two adults who know their relationship is over should remain living together "for the sake of the kids" and sacrifice their own lives and happiness until the kids are adults? I'm not sure if I've misunderstood but if that's your suggestion, I think this is easily the most bizarre thing I've read on here in relation to separated parents!"

Here is YOUR answer. "Yes. You make ya bed, etc"

I have edited nothing. These are just quotations copied and pasted from your post at 18:12

I must admit, dispite loving my stepfather above blood relatives, having a great stepsister, and lovely stepchildren, I'd not bother with a relationship if I got divorced. It's too much hassle. Would be me and DD against the world. I'd not feel like I would need anyone else.

[quote LouJ85]@w0rkout
Let me help you.

This was another poster's comment: "Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship."

In response, this was my question: "Are you suggesting that two adults who know their relationship is over should remain living together "for the sake of the kids" and sacrifice their own lives and happiness until the kids are adults? I'm not sure if I've misunderstood but if that's your suggestion, I think this is easily the most bizarre thing I've read on here in relation to separated parents!"

Here is YOUR answer. "Yes. You make ya bed, etc"

I have edited nothing. These are just quotations copied and pasted from your post at 18:12 [/quote]
I didn't say your edited your posts.

The poster said I didn't dispute people breaking up their marriages when abuse is involved.

You said.

You made ya bed.

You didn’t say at any point. But not if there is abuse.

@Nnkk

You said.

You made ya bed.

You didn’t say at any point. But not if there is abuse.

I was responding to a post talking about amicable but loveless marriages.

Why is there this pile on?!

That’s not the question Lou asked.

In addition. You make ya bed etc is dismissive of the real struggles that people go through when deciding to split up.

And why shouldn’t parents who aren’t happy together be allowed to split? It is incredibly toxic and not good relationship modelling to have to live with someone just for the kids.

The last day I saw them, my Dad was at work and she locked me out on the balcony with the german Shepard she had that I was terrified of, screaming for ages to let me in, she didn't. The dog turned on me, savaged my legs and she then she kept calling me a stupid selfish child for "making the dog do that".

That’s horrific! I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s blatant child abuse never mind being treated unfairly.

1 less packet of chocolate buttons from step granny is really a non issue when you see posts like this. It’s a non issue anyway, but this just puts it in to perspective a bit.

I didn't say your edited your posts.

You said your edited the quote. Which I hadn't. Because at 18:12 you agreed with a poster who said (with no mention of abuse or circumstances) that all parents should remain together until their kids are 18 whether they love each other or not, because "you make ya bed".

It's right there in the thread. Have a look.

Would I fuck stay in a amicable but loveless marriage "for the kids".

Children aren't stupid, they pick up on everything.

In what world is it good to teach your children that your own feeling are so very irrelevant that you will spend your life purposefully being unhappy because people perceive a divorce to be the worst thing a child can experience?

My kids are so much happier since I left exH. No more shouty stroppy grumpy daddy. He's sees them EOW by which time he can muster the enthusiasm to not be a prick to them (also I'm not around to infuriate him with my mere presence because in truth he was very unhappy with me). Stop thinking divorce is something we shouldn't put children through.

@LouJ85

I didn't say your edited your posts.

You said your edited the quote. Which I hadn't. Because at 18:12 you agreed with a poster who said (with no mention of abuse or circumstances) that all parents should remain together until their kids are 18 whether they love each other or not, because "you make ya bed".

It's right there in the thread. Have a look.

This is exactly how I read it too.

@LouJ85

It's really not lighthearted though is it. It's fairly nasty.

It's clearly lighthearted and tongue in cheek to me, but I'm not damaged from a negative experience as a step child, so I'm coming at it from a different angle. I'm in a step parent role myself and can empathise wholly with the challenges of that role, hence why I perceive that thread in the spirit it is intended - as a safe space to vent about the challenges of the role.

hence why I perceive that thread in the spirit it is intended - as a safe space to vent about the challenges of the role.

And yet, you don't offer this same consideration to the step children on this thread...

This thread is in AIBU. The other thread is in step parenting.

And yet, you don't offer this same consideration to the step children on this thread...

What am I not offering?

I know what I AM offering. Which is an alternative perspective on being the step child and step parent. Just because it doesn't fit when the OP's negative experience, doesn't mean I can't offer it, does it?

Yeah it's crap and I had it better than most - my mum remarried and had my DB with step dad. My name was changed as my real dad couldn't be arsed with me.

Always felt on the outside, expressed how I felt a few times only to be emotionally blackmailed about how I was so lucky and shouldn't feel the way I felt. I'm not a victim and I get on ok with step dad (and reconnected with real dad) but being a step child is not fun - I was always aware that i somehow didn't fit in - whatever the parent do doesn't matter.

The annoying thing is none of my parents or grandparents ever had the experience of being step children so I had no one to relate to - almost felt like a dirty secret

@Nnkk I m sorry you had such a bastard of an ex to deal with, that is so nasty of your ex husband to withhold and steal suitcases, clothes and children’s items. He probably thinks it is so clever to steal items from you or withhold items, out of spite to you, but instead he is very much hurting his own child. Such shit behaviour is typical of certain arsehole fathers, who belong to the group of fathers who love to behave like an arsehole, relish the opportunity hurt their partner, and often continue their nasty, abusive behaviour long after separating, via the child. There is no simple answer, when dealing with abusive partners, and you are right to highlight this.

@Nnkk

This thread is in AIBU. The other thread is in step parenting.

And that's a good point, too. She's openly asking if she's being unreasonable, isn't she. Which clearly is going to divide opinion. On the step parenting forum, people are seeking support.

@LouJ85

And yet, you don't offer this same consideration to the step children on this thread...

What am I not offering?

I know what I AM offering. Which is an alternative perspective on being the step child and step parent. Just because it doesn't fit when the OP's negative experience, doesn't mean I can't offer it, does it?

You're happy to let step mums "vent" about their terrible step children and take it all as tongue in cheek.

You feel it appropriate to add your perspective and correct step children venting about their terrible experiences.

It's very interesting.

Would I fuck stay in a amicable but loveless marriage "for the kids".

Quite. I don't know many reasonably balanced and psychologically healthy adults who could or would want to, if I'm honest!

You feel it appropriate to add your perspective and correct step children venting about their terrible experiences.

Who have I "corrected"?

I have added my own opinions and perspective, the same as everyone else?

@LouJ85

You feel it appropriate to add your perspective and correct step children venting about their terrible experiences.

Who have I "corrected"?

I have added my own opinions and perspective, the same as everyone else?

Well, me for a start