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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a refund for these presents

321 replies

ToniTheDonkey · 28/12/2020 09:23

My OH told me he was going to spend Xmas Day at my house and told me what he wanted to eat. I spent £170 on food including meat (for him - I’m veggie) and alcohol (I’m teetotal). He turned up at 1.30 on Christmas Day empty handed and has not yet offered any money towards the cost of the food.

After dinner he opened his presents - I’d spent about £300 on him. There were a couple of presents he said he didn’t like. He could have been polite and not said anything. Knowing my OH, when he packs his stuff to go home, he’ll leave behind the presents he didn’t like. WIBU to take those presents back for a refund and keep the money to offset the cost of the Xmas food?

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 28/12/2020 10:43

@Plussizejumpsuit

I don't know why people are so bothered about £170 on food. We spent £350 for the 2 of us for food over the festive period from sainsburys not from somewhere like harrods!
To be fair, in my house there is me, my husband and our toddler and we managed to spend around the £170 mark comfortably, but there's lots on that'll take us to near new year, so it's basically a two weeks shop, we might need a couple of fresh bits in between but not yet! And there's things we don't buy every other week, alcohol, cheese, snacky buffet type food, because we only eat it at Christmas. If you can afford it then I don't see the issue with it, it's not like we've had anything else to do this Christmas is it
AhNowTed · 28/12/2020 10:44

For god sake folks, this is NOT about how much you spend on Xmas.

diddl · 28/12/2020 10:45

So he invited himself & told you what he wanted & you went along with it.

You are worth so much more, Op.

Most people wouldn't behave as he has done-even if they thought that they could.

I would never dream of asking a veggie friend to cook meat for me-no matter how long I was staying!

justthecat · 28/12/2020 10:45

No way is he going to offer to contribute. Ask him don’t wait for him to offer and when he talks his way out of it, then reread what everybody has said and realise he’s using you and dump him !

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 28/12/2020 10:46

Read the full thread, and all the OP’s responses, everyone. She has Bipolar and part of that is a problem with overspending. She’s being exploited by this ‘man’ who is willing to take anything she spends on him. This is a much bigger problem than the Christmas food.

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2020 10:46

I'd be asking him outright for his share of the money for the food / drinks. The present thing is just rude. At this point I don't think you've anything to loose so I'd ask him outright if he'd meant to not give you a gift. Then dump him.

Heyahun · 28/12/2020 10:47

If doesn’t matter how much the food cost is just forget about it - the present thing is massive though - how could he just accept those gifts and not have anything for you? He sounds awful - take all the gifts back and kick him out today ffs

You need him gone and move on with your life

Branleuse · 28/12/2020 10:48

unless he is otherwise some amazing person and this is totally out of character, I think id be massively pissed off by this. Its a huge pisstake and I would feel so let down.

LittleTiger007 · 28/12/2020 10:48

You deserve so much better than this OP. Everyone does. You are settling for being used. This is NOT LOVE ... this does not come close to resembling love.

Please move on and get some self respect from these comments - we are telling you you deserve to be treated better than this.

FamilyOfAliens · 28/12/2020 10:49

@LeSangeEstDansLarbre

Read the full thread, and all the OP’s responses, everyone. She has Bipolar and part of that is a problem with overspending. She’s being exploited by this ‘man’ who is willing to take anything she spends on him. This is a much bigger problem than the Christmas food.
That being the case, maybe we should stick to the question the OP asked, which was whether she should return the presents he said he didn’t like (the answer to that is yes), and ignore the rest of his thread.

We can’t resolve the OP’s underlying problems for her.

MorrisZapp · 28/12/2020 10:50

My DPs single mate came to us for Christmas Dinner. One meal. He brought:

One bottle good prosecco
One 12 pack premium lager
Assorted craft ales
Box of chocolates

Because that's what normal people do. He's very welcome to the food and we enjoyed his company. But at Christmas you bring stuff. Even those on low incomes can bring a supermarket fizz and some pringles or whatever.

This guy doesn't like, love or respect you. I'm so sorry. Please move on from this upsettingly one way relationship, you'll be much happier in the long run.

Shelby30 · 28/12/2020 10:51

So he didn't bring you anything. Was not embarrassed by that and the fact you not only bought him presents but expensive ones. Then moaned about not liking some of them 😮

He hasn't offered a penny for the food and drink. As everyone else has already said, get rid. Seriously, he is just a sponger and he'll keep sponging off u esp if u don't even pull him up for not getting u a gift or offering the money he was meant to.

MadameBlobby · 28/12/2020 10:52

YANBU

Why are you with this awful man?

Eddielzzard · 28/12/2020 10:52

Yes, return the presents and keep the money. You don't need to wait to see if he'll come good. Tell him he's rude and entitled and you want him to contribute to the food and fuck off.

rollinggreenhills · 28/12/2020 10:53

Yes, definitely take the presents back for a refund.

So basically he has used your place as a free hotel, with lots of lovely free food and drink included, and he gets presents too!!

Just wow. He is taking advantage of your good nature - he's an ungrateful bastard, walking all over you and treating you appallingly.

Please make a new year's resolution to look closely at what it is that you get out of this relationship. Make a 'shopping list' of all the attributes you would like in a partner and a loving relationship. Then compare that list with him.

LittleTiger007 · 28/12/2020 10:53

I don’t understand how you haven’t said anything ... tell him!! Explode if necessary. He is behaving like an utterly selfish bastard.
Then tell him to leave and never return.

ravenmum · 28/12/2020 10:53

I went to my bf's for Christmas dinner, and didn't bring any food or drinks with me, as I wasn't a guest politely accepting an invitation to a party. He came to mine two days later, and got a nice dinner, same as I got from him.

Melabela10 · 28/12/2020 10:54

Sorry didn’t read the full thread but what’s the background of this story? How do you manage finances outside Christmas shopping ? Who normally pays the bill? I think the story goes beyond Christmas lunch spending... if you are unhappy to spend on him then just don’t spend, perhaps he didn’t expect you to cater for quite an expensive lunch ? Does he even know the cost?
As for gifts he does sound like a twat but again I’m not sure why he reacted like that ? Did you have a row and things were said during heated conversation ?

Original poster
ToniTheDonkey · 28/12/2020 10:55

@Bluntness100

Op, is your BI polar being treated?

I think taking this from this man and trying to please him like this is a symptom of your low self esteem. If you had a healthy self esteem you’d have chucked him out by now.

You need to end this relationship. It’s not healthy.

Yes it’s being treated - I was diagnosed about twenty years ago. The medication keeps me mostly stable but there are always a few ups and downs. Impulsiveness and overspending are always present.
OP posts:
80sColourfulChristmas · 28/12/2020 10:56

@SweatyBetty20

My boyfriend stays with me rather than the other way around as I live in a good walking area so we spend a bit of time out. He came on Xmas Day after the kids handover and has just gone home. So, compare and contrast: as well as my presents he he brought three bottles of wine, one of champagne, a bunch of flowers, and a box of luxury chocolates. He also built me a potting bench and cut off a dangerous branch on a tree in my garden. I provided and cooked all meals and we ate well. Yours is freeloading.
What on earth are 'luxury chocolates?!?!' Hmm😆
SaltyAF · 28/12/2020 10:57

@ravenmum

I went to my bf's for Christmas dinner, and didn't bring any food or drinks with me, as I wasn't a guest politely accepting an invitation to a party. He came to mine two days later, and got a nice dinner, same as I got from him.
Not sure how that helps here, as the man in question on this thread hasn't reciprocated.
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 28/12/2020 10:57

I'd be keeping all of the presents when he left. And I wouldn't be inviting him back. He sounds like an ungrateful waste of space. I'd have been dying of embarrassment if my OH gave me a pile of gifts and I hadn't got them anything. That said, I wouldn't invite myself to Christmas and turn up empty handed...

AccidentallyOnSanta · 28/12/2020 10:58

Why is he still there?

Invited himself.
Asked for what food he wants.
Contributed nothing.
Didn't get you any presents or a card.
Happily opened his presents while you watched with nothing.
Bitched about a few that weren't to his taste.

"Feed me and treat me woman, and don't expect anything in return,not even gratitude ".

How is this a relationship? Return the gifts and end it. You deserve better than this, and being treated this way consistently won't do your self esteem any good. In fact it will only get worse.

You only lost 2 years on this poor excuse of oxygen... don't waste anymore.

Original poster
ToniTheDonkey · 28/12/2020 10:58

@LeSangeEstDansLarbre

OP, it’s time to reevaluate this relationship entirely. This man is exploiting your mental illness for his own gain. I hope you haven’t also ‘loaned” him money, etc. Or got into debt to buy all this stuff.

If you were outside this situation and instead were watching your best friend’s or your sister’s relationship, would you be concerned for them? I’m sorry to say that he seems to be taking advantage of your known over-generosity to feather his nest, knowing he doesn’t have to do anything in return, and you won’t dump him.

You need to prove him wrong as of today. The time to tackle the money for the food was when he gave you his shopping list (which was a massive red flag but I can see you might not be in a position to spot that right now), so you might have to consider that a sunk cost for your own sake. But you MUST stop him taking any further advantage of you.

Do you have anyone offering you support in real life? I think if you explained how things are to that person they’d be concerned for you and want to help you break free of this situation. Please talk to someone and be very open and honest.

Definitely haven’t lent him any money - I don’t have any to lend. Although we earn almost the same amount, I have higher outgoings. In fact, my debt is about the same level as his savings. (Eg if I had £5k of debt he would have £5 of savings)
OP posts:
AccidentallyOnSanta · 28/12/2020 10:59

@Melabela10

Sorry didn’t read the full thread but what’s the background of this story? How do you manage finances outside Christmas shopping ? Who normally pays the bill? I think the story goes beyond Christmas lunch spending... if you are unhappy to spend on him then just don’t spend, perhaps he didn’t expect you to cater for quite an expensive lunch ? Does he even know the cost? As for gifts he does sound like a twat but again I’m not sure why he reacted like that ? Did you have a row and things were said during heated conversation ?
Well if you read the whole thread or at least OP's posts you'd know the answers to all that wouldn't you?

No excuse now,particularly with the handy little feature of reading just OP's posts.

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