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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend not ready to send almost 3 year old to nursery?

233 replies

windolean · 28/12/2020 01:23

I just wondered what the general feeling is towards nursery. I was talking to a friend recently. She mentioned she was not ready to send her DS to nursery. She will be 3 in May. She then said ' some children never go to nursery, it's not necessary '. She's a stay at home mum. I am no where near this stage with my DD. I haven't really thought about it, but I thought I would send her from around 2. What do people generally do ? I thought most people send their kids to nursery ? Is it meant to be good for them ? Or are there benefits to not going ? My questions are all genuine and without judgement. I'm really just curious and want to understand the pros and cons. I just always assumed nursery is ' what you do '.

OP posts:
Sillybilly35 · 28/12/2020 15:22

My son started nursery at just turned 2 for two mornings a week. My main reason was because he has a speech delay and my HV advised to send him to nursery and I can't believe the difference in just a few months it has made with his speech I'm so proud of him.
He loves it so much and he can't wait to go when I tell him it's a nursery day he gets to play with other kids and do plenty of messy play.

Scottishskifun · 28/12/2020 15:24

I honestly don't know how SAHM do it I would struggle big time and have the up most respect for someone who chose to do so.

We both work partly because we have to but also because I love my job and work full time. The biggest judgement I receive is from working mums who go back part time not SAHMs.
We are lucky to have flexible employers so my son does 4 days 9-3 and my DH works 4 days a week.

I would be lost without nursery and struggled majorly in the first lock down as my son is used to doing so much each day.

EvilPea · 28/12/2020 15:27

i didn't send mine until the term before school, I'm not sure why its quite so controversial.
You do whats right for you and yours?

ToffeePennie · 28/12/2020 15:36

I sent my oldest (now 6) to a childminder from 7 months old. He was in from 7:30-6:00 and then moved to a nursery (same hours) aged 2. He seems fine.
My littlest has only just gone to nursery this September. He turned 3 in November and until now I hadn’t considered putting him in childcare simply because the finances wouldn’t allow it. Now though we are in a slightly better position financially and can afford to send our 3 year old. He does 3 days a week 8:30-3:30 but from January that goes to 3 days a week 7:30-6:00.
So it’s entirely up to you to decide what you want to do and up to your friend too. Find childcare that fits you and your family and if it doesn’t, don’t worry about it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/12/2020 15:42

@2020iscancelled

Just incidentally these threads always make me realise how many women are reliant on either partners for money or living on benefits.

There’s no other way to exist if you’re a SAHP - I understand when it’s maternity leave but what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?

Makes my blood run cold. And I have an upstanding partner, genuinely couldn’t ask for a better human. But even so, I want and need my own security.

I think a lot of families fall into one parent being a SAHP thinking it will be temporary and then have more kids and then it becomes impossible to go back into well paid work.

A lot of my friends who had babies in their 20s fell into this and by the time they were ready to return in their 30s found they couldn’t even return to the junior jobs they had before because work life expectations had changed. So they just stayed at home - some set up businesses but most now just try and make the most of being at home and catching up with friends / books / volunteering while their kids are at school.

Tiquismiquis · 28/12/2020 15:47

Mine have been in nursery for work reasons but even if I was a sahm I would send them in from 2ish part-time if I had the money. A good nursery can provide so much and I think it’s good to build up time in a non-school setting before work. I don’t know anyone of my peers (regardless of working or staying at home) that hasn’t sent their pre-schoolers to some form of nursery setting.

HmmSureJan · 28/12/2020 15:48

@2020iscancelled

Just incidentally these threads always make me realise how many women are reliant on either partners for money or living on benefits.

There’s no other way to exist if you’re a SAHP - I understand when it’s maternity leave but what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?

Makes my blood run cold. And I have an upstanding partner, genuinely couldn’t ask for a better human. But even so, I want and need my own security.

Well mine turned out to have additional needs, which meant we could never use wraparound childcare and there was no way their selfish father was going to do his share so that was that really.
Rosebel · 28/12/2020 16:22

Well my son will be starting nursery at 7 months so I'm obviously not against it. If I was a SAHM I'd probably send them for two sessions a week from about 2.5 years.
Not sure how true it is but my aunt and SIL who are both teachers said it was a much easier transition in to school for those who'd been to nursery. I also think it does benefit them to have a bit of independence and to know that mum (or another significant adult) can leave them somewhere but will always come back
On the other hand it's not compulsory and I'm not sure I'd send my child if I had the choice due to Covid.

Lightwindows · 28/12/2020 16:31

You don't have to send them to nursery, unless you're working and need childcare of course. You can put them in a preschool from 3 I think for free, and I think the idea of this is to prepare them for them for full time school. But it's not compulsory.
Or you could put them in nursery a couple of mornings a week from an earlier age and pay for it if you're a SAHM and need a break or feel like they need the extra stimulation. It's totally up to you.
Mine go to nursery because I have to work, and would never cope with being a SAHM - don't know how they do it!

Saracen · 29/12/2020 07:24

OP, you could let your child decide, just as you might do with a dance class or playdate.

I didn't feel my eldest particularly needed nursery and wasn't planning to send her, as she was happy enough without it. Sadly, as soon as all her toddler group friends started nursery, they became too tired or busy for playdates, plus their parents no longer prioritised playdates, probably realising that their kids had plenty of social opportunities at nursery. So mine was suddenly lonely and wanted to go to nursery at three. I thought she would like it as she was a super sociable child.

Parents were asked to volunteer at the nursery to cut up the fruit, sweep up etc so the staff had more time to spend with the kids. That worked great and gave me a good chance to see what went on. I gave her the choice about nursery, asking her every day whether she wanted to go. Much to my surprise, over the course of three weeks she went less and less and eventually stopped altogether, so we gave the place up. She was a very chatty child, but it was only over the coming months and years that she was able to explain why. Here are some of her reasons:

It was supposedly a free-flow nursery where the kids could choose what and when to play. But the kids were guided in certain directions at certain times, and the outdoor play often didn't happen at all because it wasn't convenient for staff. Too muddy, too rainy, too cold.

Too many kids. She couldn't get stuck in to playing with another child for long because all the distractions would pull them away. Likewise the staff didn't have time for long chats. She preferred to play with one or two or three kids at a time rather than be in such a hectic environment.

With several dozen kids, invariably at any given moment at least one of them would be upset about something. My dd wanted to fix it for them and it bothered her when she couldn't. So she was always slightly distressed, even though she wasn't the one who was missing mum or squabbling over the toy or sad that the blue crayon was missing.

Carpet time. I guess this was meant to train them to sit still so they would be ready for school. But some of the kids couldn't manage it and were constantly 'failing'. My dd actually said, 'Carpet time is when the teachers make us sit down so they can tell the boys off.' It felt that way to me too! Even though she wasn't being told off, she found it unpleasant to listen to the kids being chivvied to sit still.

Because she couldn't explain all this at the time, the best way for me to know whether nursery was benefiting her in the way I'd hoped was to let her choose whether to go. In the end she decided it wasn't worth it, and we worked harder at finding friends for her elsewhere.

Moo678 · 29/12/2020 09:33

I’m in Scotland - assume you’re in England and I don’t understand the system in England fully - not sure what reception is as kids here go straight into primary 1.

Anyway - I have 3 kids. 1st did one year of pre-school aged 3.5-4.5 - 2 hrs a day - pre-school attached to school - free. Number 2 did almost 2 yrs of pre-school as her birthday fell at a different point. Again just 2 hrs a day of free provision. However from around 2.5 she seemed to be very keen for interaction with other kids and if our financial situation had allowed it I think we might have paid for nursery - husband was a SAH dad at that point so it wasn’t possible.

Our youngest started private nursery for two days a week aged 2.5 (we had a nanny for the 1st yr I was back at work). I was very apprehensive as I was nervous about her not getting enough attention or maybe not being treated with kindness or parented in the way we would like. It’s been a really positive experience so far. The transition was easy and she loves her days there and looks forward to them. I can see she’s getting a lot out of her time there.

I’m still not sure I would send a younger child (under 2) to nursery but my view of them has certainly been changed by our recent experience.

Glitterblue · 29/12/2020 12:08

I desperately didn't want DD to go to nursery but DH did, he said it would be good for her, and all my friends said I was being silly. She eventually went to the preschool attached to the school she would be going to - she was 3.5 when she started and she only went for 2 hours on a Tuesday morning for the first half term, then 3 hours till Christmas. She then did a Thursday morning as well for 3 hours through to May half term then a Friday morning for the last few weeks so she could do the transition sessions with the reception teacher. It was right for her in the end, and it did make it easier for me too, getting used to being apart before she started school. She loved it, and she's now almost 11 and still best friends with one of the friends she made there.

PTW1234 · 29/12/2020 12:14

Mine has been in full time since 6 months old due to work.

If I had the choice I would of still used a preschool, whilst reception is fairly free form it can be a big transition for the child to go from home to full days at school, I don’t think my DS would of coped with that very well personally

Looneytune253 · 29/12/2020 12:15

There are plenty of benefits to a 3 year old going to nursery. Esp when it's just the 3 hours either morn or afternoon. I would defo advise it for you or her and if you needed to put them in sooner for work or whatever then there's also no harm in that.

QuantumJump · 29/12/2020 12:15

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. They all started nursery (morning only) aged around 2 years 9 months.

Porcupineintherough · 29/12/2020 12:17

I sent both mine at 3 (I was a SAHM). Ds1 loved it, ds2 was never happy. I dont regret much but I desperately regret that I didnt taken him out and wait for reception.

formerbabe · 29/12/2020 12:20

My ds went to full time nursery...I had a newborn and he was an incredibly sociable active toddler...he loved it.

My dd went to a nursery attached to a school. She did three hours a day during term time. It was perfect for us. We had time together and she also got used to other kids and the routine.

I think to go from home to school without any nursery is not ideal but I can't get worked up over it.

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 12:23

@2020iscancelled

Just incidentally these threads always make me realise how many women are reliant on either partners for money or living on benefits.

There’s no other way to exist if you’re a SAHP - I understand when it’s maternity leave but what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?

Makes my blood run cold. And I have an upstanding partner, genuinely couldn’t ask for a better human. But even so, I want and need my own security.

Well yes, we all want many things but we can’t have everything in life can we? Don’t you want to be there to witness all of your child’s firsts??? Shocking!

🙄

Compromises have to be made by sensible people. They’re just different depending on our dispositions and preferences.

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 12:24

^ And sometimes life will throw curveballs at you - like a disabled child or one with special ones - that make childcare when they’re young an unrealistic option.

WoolieLiberal · 29/12/2020 12:27

Nursery is a good idea even if it’s just one afternoon a week because it teaches children that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that they are part of a community. They learn to take turns, manners and about other people’s feelings.

Also if you’re a SAHM it gives you an afternoon off! Grin

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 29/12/2020 12:29

My middle one only went to playgroup for I think 3 months before school? He was the clingiest child in the whole world and I was a SAHM with my 3rd. He used to cry his heart out everytime I took him to playgroup and I hated it so I didnt send him. He is now the world's most confident teenager with bags of mates so it didn't do him any harm!

MrsToothyBitch · 29/12/2020 12:31

I went from about 18 months a few mornings a week, nursery then pre-school to give my SAHM a break and give me some socialization- I'm an only. I went to three different establishments and in all honesty I hated all three of them and can remember doing so. Mum knows it too but she probably did the right thing; she was my primary carer and it gave her a break, which helped her parent better. It did fuck all for me though- It probably made the actual fact of and routine of going to school less of a shock, but I never took to nursery and struggled on and off socially at school until I was about 8 so it didn't work! If I'd just gone at about 3.5 I'd probably have been ok.

DP went briefly as a little boy at about 2 I think. He hated it and never got over the separation so was quickly withdrawn because he wouldn't stop crying. I would say he coped socially at school much better than I did. Horses for courses. His younger siblings went just fine, I think!

I hate the bloody places, I think they're awful dens of grimy, germy misery but I also know I'm being unreasonable and biased. I also couldn't afford (and wouldn't risk) getting off the career ladder/stopping work if I had DC, much as I'd love to stay home, so I recognise that I'd possibly be putting any DC in them far more often than either I or DP ever had to be in them and I really hate that, too.

Waveysnail · 29/12/2020 12:32

I think it really helps to send the year before they start school esp if it's one attached to the school they will be going to. It helps settle them also perfect time for nursery to spot any developmental/educational issues as there is no limit on educational psychology referrals the way there is in primary school.

Brunt0n · 29/12/2020 12:34

My DD (2) has been at nursery 2-3 days a week since she was 1, because I work. However this year I’ve been super grateful so it because nursery has been one of the few opportunities she has had to be around other people/children! I know a lot of other children whose development is now being slowed by not having substantial exposure to different things and people

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2020 12:34

All 3 of mine started the nursery attached to their primary school, during the school year they turned 4.

They loved it and got on brilliantly. I never felt the need to send them any earlier or even to take them to baby/toddler groups.

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