Friend not ready to send almost 3 year old to nursery?

[windolean]

I just wondered what the general feeling is towards nursery. I was talking to a friend recently. She mentioned she was not ready to send her DS to nursery. She will be 3 in May. She then said ' some children never go to nursery, it's not necessary '. She's a stay at home mum. I am no where near this stage with my DD. I haven't really thought about it, but I thought I would send her from around 2. What do people generally do ? I thought most people send their kids to nursery ? Is it meant to be good for them ? Or are there benefits to not going ? My questions are all genuine and without judgement. I'm really just curious and want to understand the pros and cons. I just always assumed nursery is ' what you do '.

My 2 year old goes 2 full days a week. Has done since age 1. He LOVES it.

Also, for me, it was so great to have some time in the week for me and did my mental health the world of good. Not many people talk about how it can be beneficial for YOU, so I am saying it here!

When full lockdown happened this year March-July he clearly missed other children. He comes out every day saying how much fun he has had. Plus he gets to do loads of messy stuff like painting and glitter so I don't have to.

Our nursery is operating with covid measures in place. It's really like anything else in this pandemic. As toddler groups are off it's great.

I have nothing but admiration for SAHMs as I value the break in the week that nursery gives me so much! Not sure I could be one myself as I find full time mumming such hard work!

The educational advantage to f nursery/ preschool is marginal and lost by age 7. Its greatest benefit is in children with a poor home life. Children with a rich socialisation and educational opportunities at home (being read to, talked to, taken out of the home) get very limited benefit from any preschool setting. It's more at the individual child level as to whether it is worth it.

Mine started nursery - well I call it nursery but it was really a playgroup / pre-school - at 2.5. At two and a half they went for two mornings a week, 9.15 to 11.45. Gradually increased the days until they were attending every morning in term time when they were in their year before school.

They LOVED it, and it was an environment I could not replicate at home with lots of children, toys, activities, a music lesson once a week, gym activities... It was a fabulous place and they all look back on it fondly.

Our little man has been going since before one.

Only for 2 half days.

The main reason is because of all this covid bullshit, it's the only chance for him to get used to other people and see other kids.

It certainly wasn't to palm him off, but there is the added bonus of buying a bit of time to do DIY, stay on top of housework.

I think it’s a completely individual choice. What suits one child and family won’t suit another.

If your friend doesn’t want to send her child but you do, I think you are both being reasonable and making the right decision.

Every child we know (bar one) has attended nursery/preschool in prep for reception (which could be a massive adjustment if they've done nothing prior) my dd wanted to go at just turned 2, asked me everyday to go to school and would pack a backpack, so we tried it and she thrived. Wouldn't have been my choice to send her so early, but as she was keen, we thought it was best to let her see what it was like. She only did a couple of days a week, but it was great, then the year before she started school she did an extra day and a half. Dd2 who is 3, has had more of a disjointed start with Covid going on, but is thoroughly enjoying preschool now and does 3 days a week. She starts school in Sept. I think the routine, the expectations, getting familiar with the classroom environment, other kids is very valuable, I also think it's fine to not send them if parents are willing to put in the time at home. Getting them to be able to sit, listen and focus is important for school, recognising shapes, letters, numbers, their name, and in a steady routine will give them a great start for reception, so would be important if no nursery/preschool setting is being used.

My DC went to nursery. When we went to a large, posh christening party my DC were the only ones who had been socialised outside the home. The others were nearly all only children accompanied by their nannies. I felt a bit one down in the face of all that privilege until I noticed that mine were the only ones who shared toys with the others and played nicely. Socialisation is very valuable.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Hardbackwriter

In reality tho a lot of little boys especially really barely interact with their peers until about 3.5.

I thought my DS was behind socially because he rarely talked to or engaged in play properly with peers, at 2.5. I realised as soon I saw his peers at preschool that he was utterly normal.

Now at almost 4 it's a completely different story, he has a little group of friends that he has made totally independently and they play beautifully together.

But surely that change comes about (at different stages for different children - my 2.5 year old very much interacts with other children, talks about his 'nursery friends' at home, etc.) because they've had chances to socialise in the meantime? You see this a lot on MN - '2 year olds don't need to socialise because they just parallel play' - but the stages of being around but not playing with other children are surely how they learn? It's like saying that you could just strap a one year old into a highchair all day every day because they aren't walking yet anyway - they're not going to magically do it one day if they aren't given chances to learn the skill? Again I don't think that would normally need to be nursery/childcare - we do use nursery, but we both work - but at the moment DS would have no chance to develop social skills with other children at all if he didn't go to nursery.

@39NoIDontWatchLoveIsland my son mentions his 2 friends at nursery every day even when not at nursery and has done since about 18 months. He's now 23 months. He plays with his 2 friends at nursery all day they are such thick as thieves that we have done park plays with one of them as both boys (my son and his friend) wouldn't stop asking to play! I didn't know this mum before nursery setting.

Definitely think it's child dependent on if they form friendship bonds and at what age.

Nursery is brilliant for kids, I didn't realise how much for children. Social interaction, learning, getting used to being away from parents and sets them up well for school.

I admire those who can have their children around them 24/7. I have always needed that break.

When mine were younger I also had to work so it was a moot point and maybe I got used to that "me" time even if I was working during it. However I also kept mine in nursery during my mat leaves (not full time) so I could rest and go to baby groups.

My youngest is at school nursery in conjunction with a childminder and she ADORES it. Would go all day, every day if she could.

The teachers have mentioned some behaviour issues among the children (not my DC as far as I know) so I would imagine if those issues cropped up in reception they would be dealt with more strictly than in a nursery setting.

So that is a good reason to send DC to nursery even if you don't need to to allow them to share and interact in a societally friendly way with other DC.

My dd went to a preschool session (3 hours approx?) twice a week in term time from the age of three. For me it was a chance for her to do some fun stuff, interact with other kids and get her ready for school.

These sessions are free or subsidised and most kids enjoy them.

My DS has gone twice a week since he was 11 months - because I work. He’s not keen, even still, but is fine once there.

He’s an only so I am glad he has had nursery to help him develop with interaction and socialising/communication. Plus the staff are lovely. And he gets to do crafts and eats different things to home.

I’m happy with my decision. A couple of days is a good balance - we do 930-5.

Nursery is the only thing giving my 2 year old some normalcy at the minute. If he didn't go then he would be totally deprived of any social contact with other toddlers and adults. They go 3 days a week and run into their room beaming when they see their keyworkers.

Neither of mine went. We did loads of playgroups and activities. I didn't think it necessary and I liked having them home. I got a lot of judgment for it though. Some people seem to take it very personally when you don't make the same choices as them around bringing up children.

I'm not judging anyone in particular
But in my younger years I used to work in the baby room in a large chain of nurseries. I always felt very sorry for the babies there from 7am to 5-6pm each day.
Also winters were tough as D&V bugs were rife in the baby rooms, both babies and adults were hit hard. One lady ( about 12 weeks preganant) even ended up in hospital . Understandably she never came back and would not answer calls from management .

It depends if you need to work doesn’t it.

My children go to nursery because I have a career and want them to be brought up in a family with financial security (I was not and it has lasting impacts).

If my parent was a high earner then I’d probably seek to do part time hours but as it stands we are both just middle earners and so I need to do full time hours (maybe less in the future).

If you are able to be supported by either a partner or benefits then you can keep your kids at home or use some free childcare hours to give them a few hours a week.

In my experience children who attend nursery are quicker to develop, more confident, adapt quicker to school and are just generally more emotionally resilient. this of course is only anecdotal.

4 dcs here... found all nurserys sub standard to be honest

Just incidentally these threads always make me realise how many women are reliant on either partners for money or living on benefits.

There’s no other way to exist if you’re a SAHP - I understand when it’s maternity leave but what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?

Makes my blood run cold. And I have an upstanding partner, genuinely couldn’t ask for a better human. But even so, I want and need my own security.

@windolean

I see. I didn't know this. How dense am I. I just thought all children go. It makes perfect sense, it's child care and if you want to do it and can do it yourself then that also makes sense. Struggling with preschool, is that free ? Also from what age can you send them to nursery for free ? Or is it never free and does it depend on where you live ?

If you're a low income family or the child has certain additional needs you get 15 hours free in England the term after they're 2. Everyone gets 15 free hours the term after they're 3. If you work over 16 hours I think (and both if a couple) but even under something like 100k you get 30 free hours.

I'm England compulsory school age is the September after they're 5, reception is the year before, the September after they're 4. I Def would send them to reception even if you don't do nursery as year 1 is massively "grown up" and I think it would be a huge gap for a child used to a gentler routine of Mom.

Of course, you can always homeschool

@2020iscancelled

Just incidentally these threads always make me realise how many women are reliant on either partners for money or living on benefits.

There’s no other way to exist if you’re a SAHP - I understand when it’s maternity leave but what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?

Makes my blood run cold. And I have an upstanding partner, genuinely couldn’t ask for a better human. But even so, I want and need my own security.

I could tell you about how secure my marriage is. How I don't want to palm my kids off to be raised by someone else and question why you do and why you've had children with someone you clearly don't trust, but instead I'll just say...

Fuck off.
Please. Just fuck off

what are you doing not working when you’re kids are 2-3-4 years old? Do you not want financial security? Are you totally happy to rely on a husband for this?
Caring for a child who couldn't reasonably go into standard childcare and not being able to earn enough to pay a Nanny.

When the next batch are that age, caring for children for whom we can't afford two lots of full time childcare plus wrap around childcare.

Yes I'm an abhorrent specimen of womanhood.

Scotland all 3 +year olds were due to be 30 hours term time 21 hrs all year but this was delayed to 2021 due to covid some LA are receiving it others aren't.

Some 2 year olds are also eligible.

I sent mine from age 2 just for 2 mornings a week despite being a SAHM for their social development, plus they were clearly longing for a bit of a change of scenery!
Best thing I ever did despite the cost. I can’t imagine how tough they’d have found starting Reception at school otherwise as social skills really do need to be learned.
Sounds silly but it even helps to build their immunity as mine were catching every little illness and now rarely catch anything.

(Although in 2020 I wouldn’t have done the same thing with the risk of Covid coming home with them).