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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What made you “stop” after one child?

276 replies

Toastandtea1 · 27/12/2020 22:26

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

OP posts:
timeforawine · 29/12/2020 10:28

I always wanted a daughter and i got one, she was a very easy baby and I don't want to tempt fate and risk getting a difficult baby as i don't think i could handle it well. She's 4 and when we ask she says she doesn't want a sibling. We work as a 3.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 29/12/2020 11:24

Poster asks question directed at one child families.

People with more than one child rock up to tell them they’re wrong and pressure them to have another...

Unless you’re going to bring them up for us then piss off, frankly.

bookworm14 · 29/12/2020 12:00

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU

Poster asks question directed at one child families.

People with more than one child rock up to tell them they’re wrong and pressure them to have another...

Unless you’re going to bring them up for us then piss off, frankly.

This happens with every thread relating to one-child families. It’s very depressing.
BangingOn · 29/12/2020 12:05

Age, exhaustion, childhood cancer (successfully treated but leaving me an emotional wreck), wanting to privately educate but likely to only afford it for one.

AlternativePerspective · 29/12/2020 12:12

As I said above, they’re projecting their own doubts, because in truth nobody wants to admit they wish they’d only one child, so they have to try to convince those who did that they’re wrong.

TheSunIsStillShining · 29/12/2020 12:28

Medical reasons. After being told I'll never have any I'm quite happy with the one I have (not today though as he is being a total teen and pissing me off by just looking at me)

AllesAusLiebe · 29/12/2020 12:57

This is a theme in our home at the moment and we've only got one 2 year old DS.

Age is a big factor - dh is soon to be 40 and admits that his energy has depleted significantly over the last years.

I had crippling pnd which I'm not convinced I'm 100% over. To the extent that sometimes looking at DS's baby photos upsets me because I know I wasn't really present.

A slightly different angle, also. We had IVF and I know that there's a risk of multiple birth. We couldn't handle that.

This isn't much help to you, sorry op! I guess it's a case of weighing up what you'd gain versus what you'd potentially sacrifice.

Johan23 · 29/12/2020 13:21

Took us 8 years to have DS: so we are delighted just to have one child

Had horrendous pregnancy and also have tokophobia

Am fat and almost 40, wouldn’t be a good idea to have another health wise.

Don’t think I’ve got the patience or energy for a newborn

Enjoy having only one child as we can spend more time and money on him

Having two or more kids looks like really hard work

Candycats · 29/12/2020 13:44

A combination of things - a terrible recovery from giving birth, PND, DS being an absolutely shit sleeper and also having food allergies, money, time. I know having more than one child obviously works for a lot of people but I wouldn't want my attention split between kids - I'm very happy to devote all of my time and attention to just one.

Feeling83 · 29/12/2020 13:50

My DS has just turned 1 and I’m 100% stopping at one child. I feel so lucky to have him and love him dearly but reasons for stopping include

-sleep still crap and I’m knackered

  • late thirties and not keen to go through pregnancy again
  • I feel my body and fitness have taken a battering and I am sooo looking forward to getting my fitness back and being ‘me’ again
  • baby has severe eczema and food allergies and although we’re getting things under control a bit, the stress of dealing with it during lockdown has really left me feeling like my mental health couldn’t cope with anything ‘worse’ if a second baby had any medical problems
-am still a slave to breastfeeding 1-2 times a night and really regret my decision to EBF as baby then wouldn’t take a bottle or a dummy and I also found I cannot express more than 30ml so all night wakings have been on me

It’s been an amazing year but so stressful I lots of ways.

We will just make sure he has plenty of chances to socialise and I’m looking forward to seeing him grow and know that he’s enough for us.

Happpppppym · 29/12/2020 14:28

I agree with most of your post I think the poster was insensitive and shouldn't assume on their parents behalf something like that but.... i believe their reasoning to sticking to one child because their sibling has a disability isn't invalid. I haven't decided whether to try for a second child but a big part of my decision not to is because my brother has autism. As does one of my cousins and another who shows major signs but no formal diagnosis. So it seems to run in both sides of my family. It has massively affected my brothers life and thats with support , to the point of my brother looking for ' cures ' to make him ' normal ' and vocalising several times he wants to kill himself because he can't cope with his condition. My mum and dad split when I was 9 , my dad hasn't been very supportive regarding my brothers condition so the responsibility has fell hugely on my mum. My brother is aggressive, controlling and blames everything on other people despite I believe my mums best efforts to help him.I left at 19 partly because of the aggressive atmosphere , my mum struggled at times to cope with him which didn't help this either. He's 23 and still like this. I love my brother and understand alot of his behaviour is because of his aspgerges but does this make me question whether I take my chance to conceive another child and see my own daughter/son possibly have to deal with the issues my brother will always face ? Its a hard fecision and I believe valid one to question. I appreciate they don't know if autism is purely genetics but my family tree says so to me.

Happpppppym · 29/12/2020 14:29

@Poptart4

Chimeraforce · 29/12/2020 14:30

I realised that I was right to doubt motherhood was for me.
So I stopped at one.

MimosaFields · 29/12/2020 14:36

We realised that with one child, we could still afford to have a nice life style. If we had another child, we would have had to compromise on many things.

I had doubts for years about the decision, but after we got divorced, I was very glad I only had one child to worry about

Abouttimemum · 29/12/2020 14:37

Never wanted kids, changed my mind at 36, had a horror of a time getting DS here, and then when I did get pregnant with him it all went to shit and he spent time in special care. He’s fine now and almost 2. He’s an absolute joy.
We don’t want another because i just couldn’t go through that again and I love our little family unit.
Also it’s amazing but also exhausting and I honestly don’t know why people have more than one. Each to their own though!

JaffaMum · 29/12/2020 18:43

100% relate with your comments @MrsGentleGiant, particularly the last comment.

paisleybandana · 29/12/2020 18:58

We only have one because we are perpetually emotionally and physically exhausted by being parents. Plus I developed insomnia due to the anxiety caused by relentless sleep deprivation, and still suffer from it four years later!

Beckybee83 · 29/12/2020 19:33

@Abouttimemum I was genuinely shocked when friends started getting pregnant with their second babies 😂 !!

Descant · 29/12/2020 19:52

I also genuinely find it quite surprising that it’s still the norm to have more than one child. There still seems to be quite an unthinking perception that if you choose to have one child, you then almost have to ‘give them a sibling’, as if that’s akin to feeding and clothing them as a duty.

TheGoogleMum · 29/12/2020 20:08

We are probably one and done but DD is only 2 so time to change our minds yet! I didnt love pregnancy, childbirth, the sleep deprivation (my sleep has still not recovered as I developed insomnia). I have never had a 'someone missing' sensation but also not a 'definitely complete'. Money and space is a consideration, another would be difficult. I think if my husband strongly wanted another I could get on board but he isn't bothered either way and I think I just don't want another enough to justify it. DD also reacts badly at the idea of anyone other than her being the baby!

Lorianmando · 29/12/2020 20:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 29/12/2020 20:21

I was on the fence about another, loved DD but hated being so haggardly exhausted for early baby days. I was 38 when I had her, I'm now 41 and would be 42 having number 2 if I got pregnant tomorrow. Don't think I could hack it!

Anyway a pre existing condition flared badly last year and my usual meds no longer worked so I'm on a medication you can't take if pregnant. So I'm either in the best shape I can be for DD, or potentially in a bad way with two which does no one any good.

Also had treatment for endo before DD, which may have returned since. All in all, we are good as 3.

Toffeefee23 · 29/12/2020 20:32

Flowers @Lorianmando no that doesn’t make you an awful mum.

I often wonder how many people with more than one actually wish they had stuck at one but had a 2nd to “give” existing child a sibling or gave into society’s pressure to have another. So in a way I think it’s brave for people to admit they only want or could cope with one and stick to their guns.

Every now and again a thread about regretting having kids pops up on here and it seems that most (not all) people who feel that way have more than one.

Caveat: I know many people who love having multiple kids & are fantastic parents.

Beckybee83 · 29/12/2020 21:16

@Toffeefee23 your caveat is so true- I’ve two friends with 3 and they’re both fantastic mums.
Knowing and honouring your limits is surely more important than having another, altho not necessarily respected by other people- we’ve been called weird for having one even by close friends!!
I’m sure it’s because it isn’t ‘socially accepted’ to have one and for some reason people feel sorry for only children, or think parents are selfish.
I’ve been wrestling with guilt about not giving my daughter a sibling (she’s never asked for one) and I’m sure because of external pressures I always will, which is really sad.

Aneley · 29/12/2020 21:49

Severe case of SPD, pre-eclampsia, life-threatening childbirth (for me)... not to mention 4 MMCs before DD. She is 12m old now and pure delight. We are so grateful to have her with us and for her health that we're not daring to consider going through all of that again. I do feel pangs of desire every now and then (usually when she's super-cute - I think how quickly she grew and wish for another baby) but at (almost) 39 I just can't justify accepting a risk of leaving her without a mother.

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