What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

Read quite a few responses, and would like to add our view.

Dd is nearly 5 and she is likely to be an only. I say likely, as DH and I do not use birth control so who knows. But having had IVF to have DD and not been on birth control for 10 years the chances of a natural conception would be next to zero!
We do have a few frozen embryos though, but I doubt we will ever use them.
The thought of going through IVF again fills me with dread!
I was nauseous and had awful sickness throughout my pregnancy with DD. Had a highly traumatic birth, for us both. she was in NICU for a short time.
I then had PND... no surprise really. But what was a surprise is that I've pretty much never felt "myself" since having DD.
Depression, hormonal, feel angry and annoyed more then I feel happy. I just don't see how adding another child to the mix would help the situation!

Yes DD would love a playmate, but she would want one now.... not a baby that can't do much for another year or 2!! I have moments of doubt though of course but ultimately we can't bring another person into the world just to please DD, or give her company for when we are no longer around.

I have a brother and I can honestly say I would probably be a much happier person had he not been around. The childhood bullying and physical abuse was horrendous.... not that he'd admit it of course. He is older but needs to much extra attention from my parents, it's like having a permanent teenager to worry about. Once my parents are no longer around I highly doubt I'd have anything to do with him. He certainly won't be any help with sorting their affairs or to do care duties should they be needed so having an older brother has been of no benefit to me at all!

If DD ever asks why we never had more I will be honest and say we were lucky to have her... which we are! And never felt the need to add anyone else, given that she is more then we could've wished for.

Having children is a purely a personal decision, and no one should be judged on their personal family set up. Thankfully no one has ever asked us, or passed comment on us only having DD.... but we are quite open about the fact we had IVF.

There is no right or wrong. If you come at it by thinking "whatever we decide is the right decision" it does kind of take the edge off the decision x

@Toastandtea1 I could have written your post word for word except I have a DS. I know that we wouldn't thrive with another, we'd get through it of course but we wouldn't be very good parents. My health would suffer, DH would carry a bigger burden and I don't think our DC would get the parenting they deserve.

Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you have and know your limits.

• bad pregnancy (sickness)
• don’t wish to repeat childbirth
• found baby / toddler years tough
• no urge to have another
• DH happy with one
• DH works very long hours so a lot of child related stuff down to me
• no money issues with one, can afford to consider private school / whatever hobbies she chooses
• neither DH nor I close to siblings so don’t romanticise sibling relationships
• have my own hobbies and like having adult time
• I’m older (almost 40, had DC late 30s)
• feel like rolling the dice again would be too risky (I know a couple of people who have had children with severe disabilities which maybe influences my view on this)
• feel like I can be a good mum to one but I get frustrated easily - don’t want to push my luck & end up being a shouty mum to two, would rather be the best mum I can be to one
• best friend is an only and one of the most content, stable people I know

PND, a traumatic birth, a total and utter sense of terror and shock at how much motherhood changed my life. I’m autistic and I was not prepared for how much a tiny human would alter my routines and need for control. I find it very hard, less so now she is a little older, but we have found a balance with the three of us. We like our little life, it’s hard but manageable now, I am on medication which has really taken the edge off the fear and given me time to think, plus I’ve learned new routines and coping mechanisms. But I know a second would finish me off and my child needs a happy and healthy mum, and my husband needs a happy and healthy wife. Plus I’d quite like to be happy and healthy as well, and I have zero desire for another baby. Being a cool (ish) mum of one gorgeous girl is enough for me.

The birth itself wasn't horrendous (albeit induction, drip and forceps) however my DD had neonatal bacterial meningitis. She has brain damage which may or may not affect her in later life as the area affected is to do with visual processing, so she may have difficulties at school. I would hate to have a second which would stretch our finances meaning I couldn't give her additional financial help if she needed it (I.e. specialist equipment or tutors).

The second reason is that my mental health fell off a cliff after she was born and I've never felt like it at all. It honestly scares me feeling like that again as I am not sure I could scrape myself through it.

I will also be horrendously anxious for the whole pregnancy thinking the same thing may happen again. Neonatal meningitis means she got it from me; but we were never told the strain so I can't even begin to think of how it happened. All the doctors questions were to do with if I had a temperature, or an infection and I didn't know. I can't deal with the uncertainty again.

Maybe we will consider it in the future. For now though, I honestly cannot think of anything worse. Its a double edged sword if we had another. My mental health could downspiral and also we could be depriving our current child of additional help if she does end up needing it.

Traumatic birth, followed by some health problems that would have made pregnancy unwise, combined with now being over 40 and I always said I wouldn't ttc after 40.

I do feel sad about it sometimes as I always wanted two DC, but mostly I'm happy just with DS.

Also neither DH or I are particularly close to our siblings. I mean we get on ok when we see them (probably 3-4 times a year) but neither of us even remotely think that siblings have enhanced our lives!

Baby one conceived via IVF. I don't want to try again, feel lucky to have the one i have, healthy and happy child

I enjoyed pregnancy, it had tough moments but i genuinely loved growing a baby. The birth was horrible, i also had PTSD and sometimes still get nightmares a year on but that hasn't stopped this broody feeling of wanting to give my child a sibling.
I am almost 40 though and had a baby later in life too so my window for another is small. The main issue holding me back is the lack of support from DH. He doesn't do enough in my opinion and often I feel abandoned with all the household chores plus all childcare. He has said he wants another but cannot put in any further support than he does already as wants to focus on career. I can't knock him for his honesty but do feel a deep sadness disappointment in him and us.
This uneven balance of responsibility has certainly put a strain on our marriage and opened my eyes to what kind of family unit I'm now in. When I have bad days like baby not sleeping, refusing meals, milk etc i do think it's for the best to just keep to one as can't imagine how I'd cope doing this all over again but with a toddler as well.
The thought of continued sleepless night, double nursery costs, pick up and drop offs, running a house, environmental impact and keeping my productivity level the same at work is so overwhelming that i have to be realistic. I feel that if my partner did even 50% of what i do then a second could be doable but I can't hedge those bets from what I've seen so far.
I think it's just the one for me but if I could, I would want two.

Age mainly, biggest regret of my life not having child earlier (42) so I could have another one but now at 46 it's too late.

I have to say that after a difficult birth and not really liking the first 9 months I was definitely not going too but as she's got older she's just got better and better and find myself longing to do it again.
I do feel guilty that she'll be the only one as I'm so glad I've got siblings and she craves to be part of gang when she's with other kids but as many have said she'll have the benefit of emotional and financial security along with all the love we can give her so the new kitten we got in the summer will have to complete our family.

Same as a lot of other posters-
-awful birth

• silent reflux
• sleep deprivation
• PND
• then developmental concerns about DS from 18 months which was worse than the PND and lack of sleep combined.
• didn't want to do weaning/teething/potty training again.

I felt weirdly satisfied within days of DS being born and felt that I didn't need any more children, and that having more would mean there would be less of me for DS.

I do also feel like the baby years have been something that I'm not particularly keen to repeat, and it's definitely better for the environment to just stop at one.

Multiple reasons:

-I never planned to have children in the first place.
-My current partner (not my child's father) also didn't want children but also had an unplanned one, so had a vasectomy afterwards.
-The environment.
-I am disabled (as is my daughter) and don't have the capacity to care for more.
-My ex is abusive and I can do without more complication in my life from our daughter having a half-sibling.

Though I did enjoy being pregnant, and the birth was fine, and I natural-term breastfed (after resolving initial issues), so the physical side of parenting wasn't off-putting.

I was always happy as an only child. I remember asking for a sibling at when I was very little but not later on. Now I’m on the fence about having a second child, more so since covid, worsening climate change and my DH getting cancer!

DHs family only accepted that I REALLY MEANT IT when I didn't produce number two when DD went to school.

oh god yes
apparently id change my mind, dd is now almost 11

The problem with the idea that you must ‘give’ your child a sibling at all costs is that some people (me included) just don’t want another child. I haven’t felt the slightest bit broody since having DD, and am fairly sure I would be a worse parent to more than one. Are you suggesting that people should have a child they don’t want, and may not be able to cope with, purely so their first child isn’t ‘deprived’ of a sibling? Your response may be ‘oh, you won’t regret having the child when it’s here’, but numerous threads on MN attest that this isn’t always the case

100% agree

I have only one. I wanted a sibling when I was very little, then I got one at three and regretted it until the day I left home. My OH also now has nothing to do with his sibling so it was an easy decision for us.

Nothing would make me want to deprive my child of a sibling

I dont feel no siblings is depriving.
I feel siblings deprive, from time, money, attention, resources, patience
As an only dd gets everything she needs and more
With a sibling, id be stretched too thin to cope, so would money and space

I can’t help thinking that the posters who come on to these threads to extol the benefits of having more than one child do so because they still question whether they did the right thing having more than one. Otherwise it wouldn’t matter to them what other people did, because they would be sure they’d done the right thing.

I had an only child initially because of secondary infertility, but then as time went on and the potential age gap increased I realised that I was happy with our family as it was. Me and eXH then split up, and I am forever grateful that I only had to be a single parent to one. He’s eighteen now, and the thought of having another baby fills me with horror. Then four years ago I was diagnosed with a genetic, life-limiting condition which it turns out I could pass to any more children... Things happen for a reason....

DS has said that he’s glad I never had more than one. Even for children who say they want siblings, they are romanticising, because they have no idea what having siblings is really like until they have them, by which time it is too late.

I am the youngest of two, and my mum says that she can see why people choose to stop at only one, because everything changes when you have another one. That doesn’t mean she regrets it, but can see why people may choose it. Me and my sibling aren’t close at all. Yes we get on ok, and I think that situations where siblings are NC or who have been abused by one another is relatively uncommon, I think that it’s more common for siblings to just get on on an acquaintance level, and most people probably wouldn’t choose to be friends with their siblings if they weren’t siblings, iyswim.

To the posters saying it is disgusting that anyone should use their experiences of disability as a reason not to have more than one children, there have been plenty of threads on here over the years about people who grew up with disabled siblings and how they feel it affected them, but that many people feel they can’t say anything. Also, termination because of disability is incredibly common, 93% of pregnancies with Downs are terminated, so while in an ideal world severely disabled children would have no impact on anyone, in the real world, they do,and those experiences should not be dismissed.

I liked having only one child. Added to which conceiving was a nightmare first time round and I’m not a fan of babies! When DD was 2 we discussed it and agreed that we were happy and so we’d stop. We reviewed the decision when she was 3 and then I got rid of all the baby stuff. She’ll be 10 in a couple of weeks. It was definitely the right decision!

H.G terribly whilst pregnant
Exhausted
And she suffers with an chronic cough that I have no idea what’s causing it. Which in turn has lead me to have terrible health anxiety.
I am one and done 100%

Oh and childbirth hurts like a bitch. FUCK THAT.

Didn’t enjoy it the first time so stopped

I can’t help thinking that the posters who come on to these threads to extol the benefits of having more than one child do so because they still question whether they did the right thing having more than one. Otherwise it wouldn’t matter to them what other people did, because they would be sure they’d done the right thing.

@AlternativePerspective you've hit the nail on the head there. If I saw a thread titled 'Why did you choose to have a big family?' I would scroll on past as it wouldn't be relevant to me. I would never go on there and start questioning why people chose to have so many kids, because frankly its none of my business. Very odd that it commonly happens the other way round.

-complications at the end of pregnancy left my terrified I would die

• terrible care after birth for the 5 days I had to be in hospital
• husband lost interest after the 20 week scan and I did the rest of the pregnancy, most of the birth and the first 2 years of parenting alone (despite me having a difficult birth and him promising he wouldn't leave me alone during labour)
• child still doesn't sleep and is super high maintenance even though school age
• husband wants another but I'm not prepared to sacrifice my health so he can have another go at being a dad properly this time, running the risk of him checking out again
• marriage would not survive more children, I resent the fact that he does far less parenting than me as it is despite me being the main breadwinner