What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

I’m not an only child however my siblings were 15+ years older than me, so I was basically an only child growing up. I didn’t particularly enjoy it and always wished I had a closer sibling. When I had my first child I was so disgustingly sick with Hg and had a bad recovery and first year of her life I vowed I’d never have another child. Then when she turned 2 I just had a sudden urge that I needed one more, I’m now 11 weeks with number 2 and now I’m absolutely bricking it wondering if I’ve done the right thing. I think I would have been ok to just stick with one, but with this pregnancy I already feel definitely ‘done’.

I was slightly older than most when i had mine and dont like the idea terribly of being older still and doing it all again. 😨

Mostly because of health reasons. Pre existing but pregnancy made it so much worse, I haven’t recovered back to pre pregnancy and it’s years later. Needed IVF anyhow - so also the cost (we have no money) and I’m old, so it was/is very unlikely to work.

I went through a stage where I felt sad that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have another, as it’s something that seemingly comes so easily to the people around me. However, I mostly now just feel so grateful for the one, statistically things were not on our side to have any.

I have had friends who had kids easily say ‘oh I wouldn’t let that put me off’ when I say my physical problems would mean the struggle to have another would be too enormous. That really hurt. I was in a terrible place for a long time - both during and post pregnancy, which I still don’t think I’ve gotten over. I see others manage things post baby that I never could - simple things like, walk and push a pram and it makes me feel like a failure. Stupid I know. But there you go.

[quote An0n0n0n]@theantsgomarchin

You talk as though you don't have children so your perspective on the birth/early years means nothing.

I specifically don't want more children because I don't want to put any childcare or 'helping' duties on my child.

I would also have a look at the sibling abuse thread from a while ago, not all siblings get along and some are outright abusive.

As a parent, the trauma of your children not getting on is enormous, particularly when you yourself know one is a waster.[/quote]
Incorrect. I have children and have both been through the "early years" and am currently going through the "early years" so I have a very broad perspective on what it means to carry / birth / care for children of young ages. I also have expensive of a child with delayed speech, a child who wouldn't eat, a child who wouldn't sleep. Nothing would make me want to deprive my child of a sibling.

Yes of course there are many many siblings who don't get along, however the sibling abuse thread is absolutely by no means the norm, and I challenge anyone who suggests it is. The VAST majority of siblings get along, with id say the majority also being very close, especially later on in life.

I agree that it's sad that people with only children constantly have to justify why they only have 1. All of our extended family and 90% of our friends have 2 kids, some 3, and when they complain about what hard work it is I would never ask them if they regret not stopping at 1! Yet I have lost count of the number of times I've been asked, including by complete strangers, why I only have 1.

OP all I can say is don't feel you 'should' have a second child, just make whatever decision is right for your family. I went through a lot to have my daughter but I loved being pregnant and the birth was fine. I struggled in the first 6 weeks especially with breastfeeding and lack of sleep but beyond that she has been an absolute joy. As soon as she was born I just felt complete. Trying to give her a sibling because I felt I should was detrimental to my own physical and mental health and I am so happy that's behind us now. Oh and we can't afford a pony or private education but we did get a puppy this year - my daughter has the perfect play mate who can't argue back

@theantsgomarchin

You're entitled to your opinion and of course there are plenty of siblings that do get on but to suggest only children are 'deprived' by not having siblings is ridiculous and downright offensive.

. I have children and have both been through the "early years" and am currently going through the "early years" so I have a very broad perspective on what it means to carry / birth / care for children of young ages. I also have expensive of a child with delayed speech, a child who wouldn't eat, a child who wouldn't sleep

Maybe you'd like to justify to us why you've had so many children ?

The problem with the idea that you must ‘give’ your child a sibling at all costs is that some people (me included) just don’t want another child. I haven’t felt the slightest bit broody since having DD, and am fairly sure I would be a worse parent to more than one. Are you suggesting that people should have a child they don’t want, and may not be able to cope with, purely so their first child isn’t ‘deprived’ of a sibling? Your response may be ‘oh, you won’t regret having the child when it’s here’, but numerous threads on MN attest that this isn’t always the case.

@theantsgomarchin, I think you must not have much life experience if you genuinely believe that the vast majority of siblings get along and are ‘very close’.

You're entitled to your opinion and of course there are plenty of siblings that do get on but to suggest only children are 'deprived' by not having siblings is ridiculous and downright offensive.

Agreed.

As I said in my post my other half and I are only children and we had a great time.as will our son along with hopefully every other only child.

My 3 closest friends I've known 30 years all have one sister, each of which they think are a complete dickhead.

Particularly as presumably the issues you've had with some of your children mean that you have been less able to give the attention to the other children that they would have liked to receive and have been unable to do as your attention was elsewhere.

And don't get knocky about being challenged about your choices - because as the parent of an only I have to do it all the time. DHs family only accepted that I REALLY MEANT IT when I didn't produce number two when DD went to school.

I really like sleep.

@theantsgomarchin given that you didn't decide to stop at one child, why are you posting on this thread? It would be nice to keep this as a positive thread about families with 1 child rather than what you are trying to turn it into.

[quote Descant]@theantsgomarchin, I think you must not have much life experience if you genuinely believe that the vast majority of siblings get along and are ‘very close’.[/quote]
Respectfully I disagree. I have a very wide circle of friends and an enormous family, both on my side and DH side, as well as siblings who all have partners and I have an understanding of the family dynamic for all of their families as well. There's a huge number of people I know who are "close" to at least one of their siblings (and by close I mean - speak regularly and spend regular time together) and the majority of the remainder "get along" with their siblings, although admittedly would never describe themselves as close. I would say if you get along with your siblings then you don't speak or see each other regularly, but you get along when you do see them and there's no animosity. There is of course a small amount of people who I know who actively despise their siblings and are either NC or have a strained / non existent relationship with their siblings, but without a shadow of a doubt, this is absolutely the minority. Maybe I am lucky that I don't have a great deal of experience with estranged siblings - I am relatively young at 33 and maybe this is something that comes later on in life, but to say I don't have much life experience is incorrect. I may only be 33 but have been through a great deal in my life.

Premature baby, diagnosed with pyloric stenosis at 6 weeks. Didn't sleep, was constantly sick and miserable. Lack of sleep, a useless now ex-husband who was no help at all. Financial worries. My baby is now 21 and I've never regretted stopping at one. My new partner can't have children and has been an excellent stepdad to my son. He would've loved to have kids and if he had been able to, we wouldn't be together as I wouldn't want to deny him the chance to have his own child knowing that I never wanted any more

Incorrect. I have children and have both been through the "early years" and am currently going through the "early years" so I have a very broad perspective on what it means to carry / birth / care for children of young ages. I also have expensive of a child with delayed speech, a child who wouldn't eat, a child who wouldn't sleep. Nothing would make me want to deprive my child of a sibling.

You're a better and stronger person/mother than me.

Enjoy your vast experience and your brood.

DD got a cat instead of a sibling.We're all much happier like that. Deal with it.

I always thought I would have 2 children, that was absolutely the norm and expected!

We were slightly older, I had a difficult birth, a reflux baby and pnd. I also looked at him and just could not see how I could love another child as much as I loved him. Time moved on and by the time I felt anything like normal again, we realised we were happy as we were. We had a lovely home, work, family balance and we just worked as a family. Another child would have disrupted all that, stressed our finances to the hilt and by then we were a fair bit older and the thought of going through the baby stage again filled me with dread. Most of my friends had gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd child by that point and I saw that all of them were struggling with the move to more than one child and knew I didn't want that for us.

I find it sad that people have another child just so that their first child can have a sibling, or someone to be with them when their parents are older. I did not have a child so that they could look after me when I am old and shall be taking steps to make sure that they do not feel that they have to. They will not be alone when I die, they will have their cousins and extended family, their friends and maybe a family of their own.

In this day and age, people should not be asking why you have only one child, it really is none of their business. The correct question would be are you content with what you have, if so that is good enough.

My DH. I'd have happily had another.

A traumatising Labour which left me with many physical injuries and ptsd.

My husband worked away for a lot of the first 3 yrs. no family locally to help.

I had a fretful baby, who slept badly for a long time who then became a real handful in the toddler/pre school years.

So the first 5 yrs for me were just incredibly hard and I knew that I couldn't do it again. If circumstances had been different and I'd had more help from family, then I may have considered it. But it is what it is!

Life is a much easier and enjoyable these days and we have a good balance. Yes I still have pangs of guilt, but I just have to live with that, because for us, sticking at 1 is the right decision.

Four days on life support after an emergency c section and twelve in hospital with baby in NICU six weeks

we might very well stop at one. Age, expense etc. But I dont quite get the whole siblings in later life thing - I have two sbilings (DSSis and Dsis) - am effectively NS with DSSis and there is quite an age gap and there is quite an age gap with DSis. We message on Whatsapp every few days and see each other maybe once a month (often at our parents) - both live in the same city.

Got to say though that whilst I would have loved to have had a sibling closer in an age when younger, now that am older I really dont care either way. My sister is a perfectly ok human being, but she's almost ten years younger than me and realistically is just much closer to her friends as I am to mine. We've never been each others contemporaries and are always in a different lifestages.

As a result, I totally get why people would want to have two kids close in age so they can play together - we currently have this problem with our only. He's fab but very outgoing and constantly wants us to play with them. I mean the whole day which is exhausting and it would be nice to have someone else do that instead. But i really really dont think it matters about siblings once you're an adult. DH and I are ultimately family and I am much more likely to talk about things that worry me etc with friends and Dsis.

Being pregnant triggered an auto immune disease which I still have, 25 years on. I was warned by the HV and a consultant that it was not advisable to have any more, so I didn't.

On the plus side, we have been able to do much more for him in terms of paying for uni than we would have been able to with two kids. On the negative side, I worry that he has no siblings when he has to deal with our deaths, but then, both my parents were onlies, and Mum coped with her parents deaths. Db and I dealt with our paternal Grandmothers as Dad died 5 years before she did.

I originally wanted 2 children. But after suffering from pnd & my dp stepping up to his parental responsibility, I've told him that I'm no uncertain circumstances I do not want another child. I'm happy being a mum of one & am doing a damn good job by myself. I know I wouldn't cope with the newborn stage & looking after two young child by myself.

Not stepping up to his parental responsibility.

DH and I are ultimately family and I am much more likely to talk about things that worry me etc with friends and DH than Dsis.

Damn not being able to edit your own message on MN