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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What made you “stop” after one child?

276 replies

Toastandtea1 · 27/12/2020 22:26

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

OP posts:
EttaG · 27/12/2020 22:51

I wanted 2-3 kids but after my experience of the first baby that was the end of that. The first kid fucked up my body enough. Then I had a nervous breakdown because I couldn’t cope with the relentlessness and lack of sleep. Not keen to repeat any of that.

FrankRattlesnake · 27/12/2020 22:57

I’m an only and wanted just one. Part of this is that I don’t understand the sibling dynamic, part is financial, a lot is time (where do parents find the time when you have more than one - I’m in awe of that!), age and I feel our family is complete!

It was a joint decision though. My parents still ask (inappropriately) about a second!

RachelRosie · 27/12/2020 22:59

@MyNameForToday1980

I'm a 'one and done' merchant..I only ever wanted to have one child. DD is the right kid for us, our family. And I can honestly, and without guilt tell her she's my "favourite ever girl".
This pretty much sums it up for me.

Was 99% sure we wanted one whilst pregnant. Am fully on 100% now.... plus I love sleep.

If a 6 month old miraculously appeared, I might think about it ... but a newborn again? Not a chance!

Mowly75 · 27/12/2020 23:11

Started late; IVF; very lucky to have one, at 43. Ovaries removed at 45, as increased cancer risk & history of cancer, rather than risk IVF/pregnancy again. She was a completely delightful baby though (after 12 weeks that is, when she slept through) & there was a time when I really regretted not having a second. But then, the very day after her second birthday, she turned into Satan’s spawn & now I’m very very glad I didn’t get carried away & go for another.

Livpool · 27/12/2020 23:14

Secondary infertility

But then I also had HG then PND so possibly a good thing

Jenjenn · 27/12/2020 23:22

Birth was so horrendous that I wowed to never put myself in that position again. I would also absolutely dread the baby and toddler phase again. Bf, nappies, maternity leave, exorbitant creche fees - thank fuck I am passed that. We can afford a good lifestyle and should be able to set dd up nicely, not sure if that would be the case if we had more dc.

EasterIssland · 27/12/2020 23:24

Mainly my mental health. I suffered a lot during pregnancy to the point I was viewed every week by doctors.
My husband is early 40s and feels he is old enough to have another one. Also I have polliqistic ovaries so I would not have warranted getting easily pregnant which would affect my mh and could take us a few years again resulting in him being late 40s
Also despite we earn well (combined 90k) we also like doing few expensive trips during the year so that would need to stop. And our house isn’t big enough for another child so would need to extend

alliwantisabitofpeace · 27/12/2020 23:26

After a relatively easy pregnancy and birth I found I hated the first 8 months and said I couldn't put myself through that again.

Whilst I adore my daughter, who is now 9, she is still hard work. Rarely sleeps a full night and being a single parent I find this tough. She have anxiety and hates being away from me and is currently seeing a child Psychologist. However she frequently asks for a sibling but in all honesty I don't think she would like sharing me.

Having said that she is the most kind, loving, sweet and empathic girl ever and we are a team and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Just to add I hate 3 sidings and I can't stand even being in the same room as one of them!

emsmum79 · 27/12/2020 23:29

I'm an only child and I have an only child.

I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Partly because you can't miss what you've never had, and partly because I had great parents and friends. My DH has siblings - they aren't close and cause nothing but bother!

We needed IVF but we were happy with one child anyway. Our family set ups, finances, our DD just being so perfect etc meant we never wanted anything more.

I totally disagree with the idea that only children are lacking in company and are spoilt. If that is the case, I'm a spoilt only wife and a spoilt only mum!

xbambi · 27/12/2020 23:29

I may be speaking too soon but I’m almost 8 months pregnant and I feel very sure I will never do this again.

I’m still suffering from horrific HG and would never ever put myself or my partner through this again.

A positive reason is I’m having twin girls and having two daughters was always my dream so I feel like I could stop here and feel fulfilled.

rorosemary · 27/12/2020 23:30

A combination of DH only wanting one, needed 7 years of fertility treatments to get the one I have at the ripe old age of 41 (in my country I won't qualify for more ivf in about a year) and never wanted a second close in age.

If I would have been younger and have had normal fertility it might have been different but I'm not going to throw myself into more gruelling rounds of ivf with little chance if success instead of enjoying the one that I have. Now that my wish has come true I want to really savour every moment together.

CrustyChrimbo · 27/12/2020 23:31

I would have liked another but only if DH was completely on board with it. DS was a nightmare baby for the first 3 months and I was a very anxious mum with PND. DH vowed never to put ourselves through that again. We also had a thought for the environment and our ability to afford 2.
My only regret is that when we're old/dead he'll not have any siblings with which he shares childhood memories.
He has never wanted a sibling though and at 10yo it's too late anyway.

thetaleunfolds · 27/12/2020 23:34

I've been trying for a sibling since my son was 11 months old and it's not happened yet (he's 2.5 years now) The older he gets the more content I get with him being an only child. The baby stage was a breeze but toddlerhood is hell and I am not too sure I want to go through this bit all over again. Already paid for my next IVF cycle to start next week though so I'm powering through and hoping for the best at this point

Marshmallow70 · 27/12/2020 23:34

My son was very much longed for by my DH and I. We made the decision quite soon after he was born that our family was complete - somehow it just felt right for us as a family.

Djouce · 27/12/2020 23:35

Honestly, it never occurred to me to have more than one, so I wouldn’t say I ‘stopped’. If anything, I find other people’s rationale for having more than one child quite strange.

ludothedog · 27/12/2020 23:35

Circumstances really. I had DD later in life and was just so grateful to have her. She is still my dream come true. When she was younger she would ask for a sibling but now she is very happy with it just being the two of us. Even through lockdown she wasn't lonely, she adapted really well and found other ways to socialise.

As for me, I'm really enjoying having my freedom back a bit now that she is older and more independent. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a young child again.

Having a child needs to be a head and heart decision. Can you afford it financially, emotionally, and physically? You see it all too often on here parents who love their 2/3/4 children but just don't have the capacity or circumstances that allows them to care for them appropriately. Better to stop at one if that's all you can cope with.

Pixiemeat · 27/12/2020 23:35

Age (40s) and health issues mainly. I struggle with very low energy levels as it is.

Brownbananabandana · 27/12/2020 23:37

Twins 😂

Kissthepastrychef · 27/12/2020 23:37

I only ever wanted one.
Seeing my SIL wrangle 5 children aged 6 months to 11 as I enjoy the company of my increasingly independent 11 year old DD makes me happy every day that we made a decision to stop at one.I get to enjoy plenty of "me" time to pursue my own interests, work full time and run a side business based on my previous career (pastry chef). It also allows me to help my dad care for my Mum who was recently disabled after a stroke.

Dd goes to private school, has a pony, does lots of extra curricular stuff and has a lovely life. I couldn't do that for 2. We decided to concentrate our resources on one child.

I am an only child. I am very close to my mum and I loved it. Dd has no desire for a sibling.

IndieRar · 27/12/2020 23:39

Purely for environmental reasons.

Coldilox · 27/12/2020 23:40

A lot of reasons. Money - it cost us 11 grand to have DS, we could spend twice that with no guarantee of another. Not a great pregnancy and then eclampsia which would mean I was high risk if i did it again (although dw could be the one to get pregnant, so that wasn’t a deal breaker). Crippling PND. Lack of sleep. Never feeling the need for another. Environmental concerns.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 27/12/2020 23:41

I almost died

Every day I feel guilty and dad as see friemds/family having more and more children.

I never wanted an only. But if you have to have only 1, mine is the one to have.

I would love to adopt/pursue surrogacy but OH has said no. Because he's a twat

hammeringinmyhead · 27/12/2020 23:41

I had one out of curiosity and now I have satisfied that curiosity!

I'm also an only myself and DH's sister is years older so they're very distant. Neither of us have a sibling bond to replicate. Plus not sleeping a whole night for the first 8 months. I felt I was in a never ending nightmare of breastfeeding, eating, and napping from which I got 2 hours max break at a time.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 27/12/2020 23:42

*sad and friends

arbiebarb · 27/12/2020 23:42

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling.