What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

Traumatic birth where I almost died from blood loss, sleep deprivation, didn't enjoy life until 18 months in. Now we are excited we can give her a fairly comfortable life in terms of money and time in this very unpredictable world. I'm not prepared to put my marriage at risk and make my existing child miserable for 18 of months of her life if history was to repeat itself. I also have no desire to have another child.

I suffered terribly with pre and post natal OCD and depression. My daughter also has very complex needs and for the first 5 years never slept. I just couldn't go through that sleep deprivation again, it was torture.

PND, a very cheerful, happy but also very challenging, active and wilful toddler. We took ages to conceive him, I am 40, need to be getting on with it if I want another, but just know I couldn’t cope with my son AND a newborn. He is great and he’s all I can imagine (and manage!) really.

Two female colleagues asked me yesterday whether we would have more and were like “Oh, there’s nothing like sibling bond…such a special relationship”. They are both childless, though, so can’t really empathise with what it’s like to be in my shoes.

I had a healthy baby and my body was intact, so from that perspective I decided to quit while I was ahead. Another friend had a second child and nearly died in childbirth and said afterwards she had nearly made her first child motherless.

I hated being pregnant.

Nursery fees were and are extortionate.

House wasn't and isn't very big.

I am not very maternal so decided that one child was enough. I couldn't imagine having a newborn or being pregnant with another child around.

Our son was a good sleeper and I didn't think I'd be that lucky again.

Also DH age as he was 39 when ds was born, which was old enough.

I think regardless of the number, unless infertility etc comes into it, you sort of "know" when you are "done".

I have two. If you had asked me pre kids how many I planned I would have been certain I wanted 3/4. In fact I am "done" and get that feeling quite clearly somehow.

We thought we were one & done until very recently (DD is 2). Reason mainly being my health (physical & mental) as well as the usual dread of going back to sleepless nights etc.

But we’ve had a change of heart recently. I just can’t imagine not doing the pregnancy/baby thing again, it’s such a special time and I feel second time round I will enjoy it more - I know how quickly it goes now, and as a second time mum I feel more confident in what I’m doing. Our circumstances are also much better (new house, near family, hopefully no covid lockdowns etc).

I also read the thread on here which asked only children if they wished they had a sibling. Most of them did and the reasons were very compelling. I think DD would really benefit from a sibling and that she would make a lovely sister.

It’s a leap of faith either way, all we can do is what we think is right for us & hope for the best.

The honest answer: I was never maternal and having children was never the be all and end all for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my DD, but I don't always enjoy motherhood. I find it stressful. I had PND, DH wasn't the most supportive when I was going through PND, I struggled to breast feed, had a traumatic birth, struggled to bond etc. I was also 42 when I had DD (nearly 4) so I'm now too old anyway. DH did want another, but I knew mentally I couldn't go through it again. I would have walked away from him and our marriage if he had insisted on number 2. It's still a bit of an elephant. I don't tell him when others from our NCT have added to their families. The first year was a very dark time for me and not one I wish to ever re-visit.

DH also works long hours so I do all of the morning stuff, getting us both out of the door for nursery and work. Pick her up, sort team, do the baths every week night, so I am also pretty much a single parent Mon-Fri. I am knackered and also wouldn't have the energy for another.

I had this decision forced upon me because my marriage deteriorated rapidly after my DD was born and collapsed by the time she was 3.

But in retrospect I am v happy to have just one. I am a single parent and having two children would have made it nearly impossible to keep my career on track.

I am financially comfortable and have a super close relationship with my daughter so it’s worked out really well for me and her and I wouldn’t change it

I have never believed this bollocks about only children bring lonely anyway

My son is disabled and the doctors told me to hold off having another child until they found out the cause, because they were certain it was a genetic neuromuscular disorder that could be passed on. They said it would only take a few months to find out. After many many tests and delays they have finally diagnosed him aged eight with cerebral palsy (ie not genetic) but I am too old/tired now so it's too late. I'm at peace with it!

I'm an only child and am perfectly happy with it.

I had a tough pregnancy and have no desire to do it again.

I sincerely disliked the newborn stage and have no desire to do it again, especially with a toddler in tow. My NCT friends are all having babies and they don't make me remotely broody.

I feel too old (40 and not in brilliant health).

Our only real support is grandparents who are also getting on a bit.

We can't really afford it - we would manage but it would be far more of a struggle, and we'd have to move house. With one we can manage comfortably.

I do get waves of wondering what another child would be like, and wishing my son could have a sibling. Maybe if I were five years younger (but at the same stage with career, mortgage etc) I would consider it. But it just doesn't suit us as a family.

Oh and another important point - I hate noise and the thought of having a house full of arguing children in a few years fills me with dread. One child is noisy enough! This is probably because I'm an only child and grew up in a very quiet house, but my partner has a brother and says they fought constantly for years. I can't handle that.

I find parenting really hard, I love my DD, but I don’t think I could give her enough of myself emotionally if I had to divide myself again by being emotionally present and connected to another child who needs so much of me.
I love the closeness I have with DD and she is very close with her cousin, they almost behave like siblings so I don’t feel bad about her being an only child.
I am a single parent and I like to ask myself, how many children would I be able to parent alone? The answer is 1.
For people in relationships I would ask yourself the same question because although it’s pessimistic, there is no guarantee that you will stay as one unit and you must be mentally, financially and emotionally prepared for any outcome IMO.

For people in relationships I would ask yourself the same question because although it’s pessimistic, there is no guarantee that you will stay as one unit and you must be mentally, financially and emotionally prepared for any outcome IMO.

This is excellent advice. Our marriage has been put under enormous strain and I really resented the fact that I de facto did most of the heavy lifting with our son when he was tiny because I was only leave. It stressed me out no end.

He’s two now, we sleep trained him and he sleeps through. I don’t want to go back to broken nights; I have just got an exciting new job (having been slightly “mummy tracked” at my old one), I’m back at rehearsals with my musical hobby and I’m starting to get myself back. Don’t want to jeopardise all that and if that’s selfish, well, there we are then.

I’m an only child myself so perhaps I am a bit self centred! 😂

A pregnancy bad enough that to do it again would put my long term health at risk and would lead to me having to "check out" of most aspects of my toddlers life for the duration of the pregnancy. That's not fair on her or my husband even if I was willing to overlook the health risks to me (and long term that's not fair on her either if I damage myself enough that she misses out on things because of my health).

In my head I'm 100% sure we've made the right decision. My heart has a wobble occasionally, especially when friends have baby number 2.

I haven't had any kids yet but can't imagine having more than one due to childcare costs and the fact we can only afford to upgrade to a 3 bed flat in our area (currently own a 2 bed) even with salary increases. Yes we could move area but we know that we don't want to (while I don't really have any good reasons why we would have another other than people telling us it would be better).

Also with rising inflation, I don't see how it would get any easier even if house prices went down

I always thought I’d want two but then I had one and changed my mind DD is 3 and the older she gets the better she gets. I really didn’t enjoy the newborn or toddler years, the tantrums are still relentless and I’m just looking forward to age 5 and above. I feel like I’ll be a much better parent once she’s more independent (can get dressed, get a snack and a drink, go to the toilet alone etc.) talking about babies at baby groups was deathly boring and now I have a child any friends that have babies think I’m really interested and want to cuddle their little potato. I love DD with all my heart and love the bond we have but I have absolutely zero interest in having another child.

We would've had more if we could conceive naturally. It would've just been well let's see what happens even though I would've been scared shitless if I'd actually got pregnant.
But since we can't get pregnant without IVF, we never felt the urge enough to go through it all again... not to mention pay the fees to do so.

Our DD is brilliant. And as much as I think she'd be a great sister and it be lovely for her to have that.... ultimately you never know what would happen. Would they get on? Would the new baby have health/care needs that affect her life..... you just never know.
She gets everything she could ask for in time, money, attention, education.
It's worked out for the best I feel.

And I've never once had someone tell me I'm selfish for having one child. Usually the opposite, from mums who have multiple kids and they are knackered and feeling guilty they can't give all kids their attention.

We weren't planning on having any, and then DD just showed up ( and I do mean just showed up. Happily pootling along with our lives unaware of any pregnancy and then Bam, labour!)

While we both absolutely adore our daughter, and wouldn't change our lives for anything, having one kid didn't suddenly mean we wanted many kids, so we stopped at one.

Although, even though she's now 13 I still occasionally catch myself thinking "Oh god, what if another one suddenly appears as if from nowhere!"

@fdgdfgdfgdfg😂😂😂😂😂

We have an only and LOVE it! As one of four, I never imagined having just one but after he was born, we just never quite fancied another. There is a super dynamic among our trio. No one competes for attention or resources. We live very full lives because we have the time, energy, and (a bit more) money. And at 8, they are so very easy.

There is no moral superiority in having multiple children (contrary to the views expressed on this thread).

Parents of multiples seem to love to tell us only parents how wrong we have it - we’re scarring our kid’s childhoods and ruining their lives as adults…I have a theory…they are jealous at how well rested we are/look and our ability to pursue our hobbies/have time outside the family home! They want to sabotage it so we look as knackered/harassed as they do! I am sort of joking

However, I have decided that I care about having another child more than I care about my marriage. I don’t see why my DH’s laziness should deprive me of another child and my first child of a sibling.

See this is what I don't understand. You are basically saying that you are fine possibly becoming a single parent to two children rather than one even though it would be far harder Truly beyond me.

Anyway, I love having one. I knew I wanted to be a mother but two would have been a nightmare. I got through pregnancy and birth relatively unscathed with a healthy girl and having a second would have felt like I was pushing my luck.

Isn't this a bit of a zombie thread?

One healthy pregnancy making me feel like another was pushing my luck. Effect on my career. 2 years of broken sleep. Money involved in raising 2. Age we will be when DS moves out. Being an only myself!

@sittingonacornflake

Isn't this a bit of a zombie thread?

It is but it’s still relevant, women don’t have as many babies as they used too and obviously contraception plays a part in this, and nowadays women know there is far more to life than having kids and being a housewife.

I don’t like women that judge women for not having any kids.

Reading these posts has made me feel much better about our family of 3. I feel tremendous guilt that I haven’t been able to give our dd a sibling despite numerous operations and IVF cycles. Over time I’ve learnt to be more accepting of our situation, then a curve ball is thrown my way like a pregnancy announcement which means her classmate is bursting with excitement about having a sibling and we then feel guilty she won’t experience this. There’s not much support out there for secondary infertility so I’ve found it hard to deal with. I also had preeclampsia and she was prem which meant the newborn part for us was incredibly hard. Not sure I could go through all that again if I’m honest so maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.