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Original poster

What made you “stop” after one child?

276 replies

Toastandtea1 · 27/12/2020 22:26

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

OP posts:
Toffeefee23 · 30/12/2020 13:32

I’ve been wrestling with guilt about not giving my daughter a sibling (she’s never asked for one) and I’m sure because of external pressures I always will, which is really sad

I agree. I get a lot of grief from a family member (who is an only themself and probably romanticises sibling ideals) . Said family member has never had a proper discussion with me about it - could be secondary infertility or I could have lost a baby for all they know!

Beckybee83 · 30/12/2020 14:04

@Toffeefee23 yes people definitely project their own experiences- and it doesn’t mean that all only children will experience the same! The negative things I’ve read from only children are generally also associated with neglectful or absent parents, or parents just parenting badly.
I had a sibling, and good parents and I’m still suffering from MH issues that largely stem from childhood. Only children aren’t the problem x

Buddytheelf85 · 30/12/2020 14:26

I’m an only child. My parents didn’t have any more for medical reasons - my mum had a hugely traumatic labour with me (two months premature) and was told not to have anymore. I think that was very difficult for them to come to terms with.

I now have an only child (a toddler) and would like another one more than anything.

Buddytheelf85 · 30/12/2020 14:36

marriage would not survive more children, I resent the fact that he does far less parenting than me as it is despite me being the main breadwinner

Yes, I relate to this a lot - housework too.

However, I have decided that I care about having another child more than I care about my marriage. I don’t see why my DH’s laziness should deprive me of another child and my first child of a sibling.

ColaandBru · 30/12/2020 15:03

DD was born and the first thing I thought is thank goodness I never have to do that again. She is a teenager now and I have never waivered.

LlamaofDrama · 30/12/2020 15:14

DH said no to a second, I wanted one. His decision was partly because of my age, partly that our lives accommodated one child nicely and two would be harder, and frankly I think he wasn't up for the extra work of parenting two. He's a fab dad to our one child, he accepts that her being a single child has disadvantages as well as advantages and I don't think he's ever for a moment felt he made a bad choice. It's less straightforward for me, but I've made my peace with it and a surprise pregnancy now wouldn't be a joy.

moonlight1705 · 30/12/2020 18:56

I think we've decided to stick with one although I wouldn't have minded a second. It is mainly DH who is 10 years older than me so if we conceived tomorrow then he would be 47, he's already a dad to our 2 year old so is knackered dealing with her.

DD has two cousins close in age and proximity so hoping to develop that relationship.

I also had quite a bad labour plus did not enjoy newborn days so was sitting on the fence about a second anyway.

Toffeefee23 · 31/12/2020 20:32

This thread has been so reassuring. So nice to know there’s others who feel the same as me.

BiddyPop · 31/12/2020 20:54

We love dd dearly but I so loved being back at work with adults too. We live unite a distance from family so just thought our life was normal. We knew dd had reflux and a silent heart murmur. But got on with it.

When she was 4, on our last development meeting with Creche, they suggested (very gently but with evidence) that we should consider referring her for assessment for ASD - which 18 months later (when we got it done privately) lead to a dx of ASD and ADHD.

So while she's doing great, she is hard work and both DH and I also have hard jobs with international travel, and managing on our own.

So one is dearly loved but enough for us!

BiddyPop · 31/12/2020 21:00

I should add, dd is in mainstream school and on a provincial team for her current sport (having represented our country at the world championships in another a couple of times). So doing well despite her difficulties.

And Dh and I have both been able to continue our work, including the travel, in the meantime.

And while it was through her, we have both got involved in other things in recent years (DH involved with committees for sport, and I got back into Scouting as a leader again which I really enjoy even after dd had moved from my section to an older section).

But I couldn't see ourselves having the capacity for another and being able to also give a 2nd DC, whether NT or not, the time and energy they also needed.

Thefeep · 31/12/2020 21:48

@IDontDrinkTea - I’m the same as your parents. Eldest son severely disabled. I had two further children but worry as I don’t want them to have the responsibility when I’m gone x

FuzzyPenguin · 31/12/2020 22:00

Before I even conceived DS we had decided he would be an only as I was 32 when I got pregnant and I didn’t want to have children past 35. (Had we not have had him before that point we would have not had any.) Also from a financial point of view we couldn’t afford more than one.
Turns out I was allergic to be pregnant anyway and having a second could have lead to serious completions so it wouldn’t have been a good idea.
The only time I have regretted this for a moment was during lockdown as I was worried about him being lonely but overall for us it’s the right choice.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 31/12/2020 22:37

@Timeturnerplease

I would absolutely stop at one if a friend of mine wasn’t struggling so much to look after her widowed father as an only.

Onlies are much more common nowadays; in my class of 30 eight year olds I have three onlies, plus two who have such older siblings that they are essentially onlies. They do seem to be suffering more with all the isolations at the moment, but in normal times it doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue.

Please don't bring another human being into existence to care for you when you are old.
RoosterTheRoost · 01/01/2021 00:37

@WetSausageRoll

PND, a traumatic birth, a total and utter sense of terror and shock at how much motherhood changed my life. I’m autistic and I was not prepared for how much a tiny human would alter my routines and need for control. I find it very hard, less so now she is a little older, but we have found a balance with the three of us. We like our little life, it’s hard but manageable now, I am on medication which has really taken the edge off the fear and given me time to think, plus I’ve learned new routines and coping mechanisms. But I know a second would finish me off and my child needs a happy and healthy mum, and my husband needs a happy and healthy wife. Plus I’d quite like to be happy and healthy as well, and I have zero desire for another baby. Being a cool (ish) mum of one gorgeous girl is enough for me.
I’m autistic. I’m still in shock about being a mum. What age (child’s age) did you get used to it?
Tiredmum21 · 11/10/2021 21:58

Money. My husband's not really been in consistent work since I had my dd 4 years ago which has meant I've been the main earner - redundancy in the last few years for him has meant we're not in a good place financially. There is just no way I could afford to go on mat leave or afford the childcare when I returned, not without going into more debt.

It is and will be my biggest regret that I can't have another child. I think deep down I resent my husband for not being able to have another child.

Lockeddownagain · 11/10/2021 22:13

5years after she was born she hadn't slept one night through the night I thought I was going mad.
I was so ill I so want another baby but I'm 40 now and so scared of that would happen if I had another child that didn't sleep. Plus q 9year age gaps not ideal

mouche202 · 11/10/2021 22:22

OH and I only ever wanted one. DS is a delightful boy and perfect for our family so never tempted to change my mind. Also, OH job means almost all the childcare is down to me and I am not selfless enough to sacrifice my life twice. I don't think I could have continued to work full time with two and that would have meant a life with far fewer fun things for us all. With one, I have a good shot at an early, comfortable retirement. I also have a good shot at helping DS with things like uni fees and house deposit.

I have a sister myself - we were never friends growing up and I dread having to co-operate with her when mum becomes frail. I would have much preferred being an only child.

Booboosweet · 11/10/2021 22:38

Secondary Infertility made the choice for me but to be honest I love our little family of three now. I've come to terms with it by appreciating all the positives of having one - more money, more time and I get to keep my career which is important to me.

WhatAShilohPitt · 11/10/2021 22:39

@IseeIsee

Had a miscarriage/struggled to conceive after DS due to health issues. He is 10 now so think the gap is too big. He is happy enough.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about why you had a second. Not one person on that thread who had an only joined to insult the posters or chimed in with their irrelevant opinion. They obviously took the view that as they didn't have a second, they had nothing to add. Yet on this thread posters with more than one feel they should chime in with "I wanted to give a sibling""they are lonely""who will share the burden of parent care" "siblings are more important than possession, this makes me so sad" .

This is the reality of having an only child. IME you have to defend your decision to everyone even in a thread that clearly is a question "why did you stop at one" that only people who stopped at one can possibly answer.

Yep, plenty of sanctimonious women on here who think having a second child enhances the life of the first child in a way nobody without two can imagine. Just read one saying she didn’t want to ‘deny them that opportunity.’

How many siblings do we all know that are the best of friends? Most of the ones I know bickered as kids and still piss each other off as adults.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 11/10/2021 23:00

I worked out that being a mother wasn’t for me after the first, I didn’t enjoy her truly until she was about 10, I had her young and I hadn’t lived and I found motherhood so tedious and underwhelming, I have since realised that being a woman doesn’t automatically make you maternal.

I am often told I am good with kids, but that’s because they aren’t my responsibility!

HateJudgmentalPeople · 11/10/2021 23:01

Other people’s kids I mean, I am good with other people’s kids but aren’t we all?!

TracyLords · 12/10/2021 04:00

We never expected to have any children due
To fertility issues so we’re delighted to just even have one.

We didn’t have more for a few reasons: I would have struggled with balancing 2 children, work and chronic migraines and MH issues. Finances paid a part too... but to be honest we would have managed with 2 financially: we just didn’t want to

JapanJetplane · 12/10/2021 05:48

I found the baby stage incredibly hard. Overwhelmingly so. Often the only thing that got me through was repeating to myself ‘you never have to do this again’.

Things are easier now but the thought of going back to those early months makes me sick and panicky. Maybe with time and distance that will change, but I currently have no sense that a second baby would enhance my life. My son is so perfect and so entirely completes me and our family that I just don’t see what else a second could bring except the stress, sleeplessness and depression I associate with young babies.

Looubylou · 12/10/2021 06:16

Our ages and the feeling that we were lucky to have 1 healthy child. The effect of childbirth on my health and body - prolapse being the worst. My partners mental health and difficulty adapting to change.

onelittlefrog · 12/10/2021 06:26

A combination of health and age/ energy