What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

@IseeIsee

Had a miscarriage/struggled to conceive after DS due to health issues. He is 10 now so think the gap is too big. He is happy enough.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about why you had a second. Not one person on that thread who had an only joined to insult the posters or chimed in with their irrelevant opinion. They obviously took the view that as they didn't have a second, they had nothing to add. Yet on this thread posters with more than one feel they should chime in with "I wanted to give a sibling""they are lonely""who will share the burden of parent care" "siblings are more important than possession, this makes me so sad" .

This is the reality of having an only child. IME you have to defend your decision to everyone even in a thread that clearly is a question "why did you stop at one" that only people who stopped at one can possibly answer.

This is so so true!

I'm the only child of an only child and I have one child. Suits us.

Pregnancy was horrible, I had SPD so badly I was bedbound and still have pain 2 years later. Birth was horrible, I caught sepsis and we both nearly died. I absolutely cannot do it again.

@IseeIsee i agree ☝️ I think what we as parents decide is very emotive and people have strong reasons for having one, or having more children- all based on their own personal experiences.
All we can do is make decisions (or not if it’s taken out of our hands) based on our own circumstances.
My DD is 5 and until last year we never wanted another- I had a scary birth and have mental health issues and felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of having any more. I felt I could be a good mum to her but worried that another would tip me over the edge! Also it’s unlikely I can get pregnant again as have fertility issues, so it’s not a straightforward decision for us.
I don’t worry about my daughter right now, but know she could feel alone as an adult and when we’re gone. Life is really hard and having people close to us is amazing, altho these could be lifelong friends, a partner, extended family or siblings.
For anyone worrying about stopping at one I’d recommend the book One and Only, it’s really good at weighing up reasons for having one, or for expanding your family.
X

Lots of reasons - my MH (chronic OCD and health anxiety) has never ever recovered from having my son. I adore the bones off of him but I am permanently in a state of fear that he's going to get ill/sick (I'm an emetephobe since I was 8) and I find the whole thing immensely overwhelming. I am in therapy but nothing seems to be doing the trick and I'm terrified I'm going to pass on my anxiety to him. I also had a really tough pregnancy (reduced movement) and a breakdown after my c section due to sleep deprivation. DH has an eldest from a previous relationship and was only ever going to have 2, and he had the snip when DS was about a year old.

I'd never ever be without my son, ever. But the mental toll it's had has been crushing. He's 4 now and the absolute light of my life, and I'm hoping in years to come things will get a bit easier for me.

@arbiebarb

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling.

Dont be sad, our only dd is more than happy as an only and often tells us she glad she has no siblings.

I have NO desire to be pregnant, give birth, suffer baby and toddler bs like sleepless nights and nappies again.
I hated pregnancy, my mental health suffered badly, so much so I was discharged after 24 hours of having dd for my own wellbeing
I was never even going to have kids but found out I was pregnant at 27 weeks
Thankfully DP is thinking about the great snip

I stopped after one because I didn't like being pregnant and didn't want to do it again. I also came out relatively unscathed and decided to quite while I was ahead. What women don't tell you is how many of them have to have repair operations after a vaginal birth. No thanks.

And then other reasons - didn't want to pay for two lots of childcare, wanted to be able to go on more interesting holidays again soon (I am not in the camp of lets take toddlers to Vietnam, it will be fun, no, it won't), DS slept very well and I didn't think we could ever be that lucky again, and finally DH was by then over 40 and thought he was old enough.

There were other reasons too - eg environmental.

I don't regret it and ds is 18 now.

for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling

you don't give your child a sibling - you give yourself another child. The older sibling(s) do(es)n't usually get a choice in the matter!

who will share the burden of parent care

how about not being a burden on your child(ren)? That is in your hands. I read so often on here about parents who won't buy in help even though they can afford it and expect their children to drop everything for them (and grandchildren don't matter). Whether you are a burden is totally in your hands, barring a bad accident.

Turns out my musculoskeletal system really doesn’t do pregnancy and I didn’t think it fair to get pregnant again and not be able to look after my existing child. I’d always hoped for more children but it didn’t work out that way, but I’m more than happy with my only! And she’s happy being an only.

I had my DD1 at 25, planned on having 3 but was so traumatised from the birth that decided 1 was enough. ExDH also didnt want to see me go through it again.
9 years later, at 34, remarried current DH who had no children and agreed to have another. It was a breeze delivery! However, pregnancy was awful, suspected Downs which was emotionally draining, SPD from 20 weeks, then a post partum haemorrhage ending up in ICU for 5 days.
Surprisingly the doctor wouldn’t refer me to be sterilised until DD2 was 1!
As DD1 spent every other week with her DF, and was 9 years older, it was a bit like having an only child with my second DD. My DD1 now has 2 DCs, 2 1/2 and 4 months - she’s tearing her hair out!

I have a few friends who are only children, two who don't get on with their siblings and some who have very close sibling relationships. All happy well adjusted people.
We have one dd3 and the decision on a second is often at the back of my mind. I think partly it's societies assumption that you'll have a second. Lots of my friends have an only and i think with people starting families later and environmental factors that will become more common place. I was absolutely desperate for a child and want to want a second child rather than feel obligated to give dd a sibling. Its all well and good pp saying the early years are short but its still a lot to get through and having a happy healthy mother is much more important for my daughter than a sibling she may or may not get on with. Having a mother at all - due to complications and my age a pregnancy would be high risk.
Dd has 2 cousins she adores and a lovely little group of friends (2 also onlys) my oldest friend is like another sibling to me and hopefully my daughter will have that.

Horrendous birth, truly awful and neglectful aftercare, PND, no sleep for 2 years (still not enough sleep!) The fear of all the things that could have gone properly wrong during my birth that thank god didn't but could do next time. I could barely cope with a healthy baby, so had to realise my limits.

Birth trauma - lost loads of blood and had sepsis. Kid still doesn't sleep well at age 4. Neither of us wanted to restart the clock again and have a second - late 30s now and so much more we want to do with our lives. Hated the baby stage! Easier for us with just one. Happy with just one. We have a few friends with just one too, which is like an extended family. Lots of reasons - each to their own

Something I’m going through at the moment. I think I’d like another one-we also have a frozen embroyo we were going to use before I fell pregnant naturally-but I just don’t know if I want to go through it all again.

DS is 18 months so at an age where he sleeps through and naps for 2 hours in his cot, so I feel like I have my life back a bit.

I enjoy my job, have sorted the childcare juggle well and love my evenings as my own. Finally back to having a good relationship with my husband after wanting to stab him every five seconds in the early months!

Sometimes I’m with my son and think how could I have a baby as well as this?! Also have a chronic illness so not as simple as just planning to get pregnant tomorrow, needs to be when my illness is in remission. Thankfully pregnancy last time was amazing and I felt the best I’d ever been but doesn’t always work that way.

But I’m 35 and have the frozen embryo which I feel I’m going to have to try use (not that it will necessarily work) or I’ll kick myself and wonder ‘what if?’

Also, definitely couldn't put my DS through a year of having a mum who just wasn't mentally there. I barely existed with PND, was just a shell.

@annevonkleve

who will share the burden of parent care

how about not being a burden on your child(ren)? That is in your hands. I read so often on here about parents who won't buy in help even though they can afford it and expect their children to drop everything for them (and grandchildren don't matter). Whether you are a burden is totally in your hands, barring a bad accident.

100% agree.

My DS has ASD which is a handful and I often worry that having a second child would stop me being able to care fully for DS which isn't fair on him. I also suffer with chronic migraines and osteoarthritis so have many 'off' days with my health so can't imagine how I would cope with a second child. All that being said it is a constant sadness for me to know I'll never experience pregnancy again or the baby years or the chance of a neurotypical child. But I know its the right thing to do to stick to a family of three where we can function and get by financially and where I can give my DS the best life I can.

My DD was born 36 + 4 after my 40th birthday Lisbon break (I blame the white port). I wasn’t going to risk a second pregnancy in my 40s.

@arbiebarb

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling.

Please don’t worry @arbiebarb my dd doesn’t have a pony either!

This is probably an awful reason, but sleep deprivation. Every time I think about having another baby, I remember the feeling of being utterly exhausted but having to battle on anyway, and how difficult and frankly miserable it was. I know that stage doesn't last forever but it felt so relentless at the time, it seems to have seared itself into my memory and short-circuited the 'broody' part of my brain. A bit pathetic of me probably.

who will share the burden of parent care

I have a sibling
I also did nothing surrounding my father's end of life care.
I was NC with my father and therefore my brother. My father didn't deserve my presence after how he treated me.

I don’t have any children yet but am leaning towards only having one. I’m an only child myself and I love it. I had lots of cousins to play with and that I’m close to now but I had complete security as a child knowing I was the centre of my parents’ worlds (no way to say that without sounding impossibly spoilt) and never wanted for anything because they could afford it.
My parents sometimes say they wished they’d had another one as they feel sorry for me when they get old etc but honestly it doesn’t bother me and the idea of siblings is odd to me! A few of my friends have stopped at one child and said they don’t want any more mainly for financial reasons, but also that they feel their family is complete. Personally I doubt I would ever have more than 2. Would be very happy with 1 as I want to be able to provide them with the complete security my parents provided me with.

Horrendous birth, truly awful and neglectful aftercare, PND, no sleep for 2 years (still not enough sleep!) The fear of all the things that could have gone properly wrong during my birth that thank god didn't but could do next time. I could barely cope with a healthy baby, so had to realise my limits.

The same reasons as above for me.

I deliberately haven't read all the responses as these threads usually turn into single child bashings. We stopped after our first for lots of reasons.
We struggled to conceive our first (took 3 years) so he felt like a miracle that probably wouldn't be repeated without lots of expensive and stressful intervention.
I was 36 when I had my DS so I would probably be around 39/40 when thinking about another so felt too old and knackered.
I don't have a great relationship with my 2 siblings and my DH's brother lives in the US so we don't really romanticise the sibling relationship.
I really just wanted to be a mum. The number of children I had wasn't important to me.
I saw/see my friends struggling with multiple children and I didn't want that.
My DS is 10 now and wouldn't change it for the world!