What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

I've several friends with only one.
Most were due to fertility issues, one was too ill, two chose to have one and another found they had a genetic condition which could be passed on.
I was one of three and DH was an only one and finds it very hard.

HG, awful birth. Disabled husband who is ten years older than me. My mental health has made things difficult at times, bouts of depression over the years.

@IDontDrinkTea

My husband is an only child after MIL nearly died during childbirth. He’s never felt he’s missed out.

I have a brother with significant disabilities and will need lifelong care. I suspect a secret part of my parents wished they’d stopped after just one child as it’s essentially stopped both their lives since he was born.

I’ve got one child and feel very lucky that she’s healthy. I don’t feel like tempting fate and having another

My first child has significant learning disabilities and will need life long care and I can assure you I have never wished we didn't have him. Had 3 more children after him.

Sorry I know its completely off topic but dont assume you know how others feel. Yes my son will need care his whole life but theres so much more to him than his disabilities. Disgusting attitude @IDontDrinkTea . Dont use your brother to validate your choices. If your happy with 1 child then just say that.

A local radio show recently had a conversation about only children. Most people rang in to say they didn't mind being an only child, in fact most loved it, until both their parents had died and suddenly they felt all alone.

@Nohomemadecandles

My mum said she couldn't love anything as much as she loved me.

I have two. I don't think like she does! I hated being an only child. Still do.

Do you really think that was the reason? Sounds like something you say to a child that you think is nice.

My baby is only 3 weeks old so I am not declaring this to be a hard and fast position at all. But I always imagined wanting at least 2, possibly 3 children. Now that my son is here, though, I honestly can’t imagine loving another child like I love him. I now think I could quite happily stick with just him and be fulfilled forever.

I know this is maybe just hormones talking 😁

@Cocomarine no, sadly she means it. A whole new thread's worth!
She can't bond with my youngest DS because she loves my first too much, apparently. She's never quite forgiven me for having two.

Hyperemesis, diabetes, preeclampsia + pretty much every other pregnancy ailment followed by traumatic birth prematurely, weeks in hospital, PND, several years in / out Of hospital with DC who was severely unwell with reflux / CMPA / various other health issues. Dc literally never slept more than 30 mins for the first 18 months given in a lot of pain. Spent most of the night screaming in pain. I don’t regret having just one at all. In fact, I can’t imagine it any other way. We’re incredibly close & I've been able to give my all to one !

I have one dd who's 3 - I would have loved to have another one but I'm 43 this year, and worry about being an older mum. I'm also the higher earner and don't think we'd manage with me being on maternity leave never mind the childcare bill when I went back to work.

I do worry about my dd being on her own - we don't have much family to speak of and I hate to think of her not having the support & love of an extended family as I did. I worry about what will happen to her when myself and my husband aren't around.

I love having one (although the social isolation this year has been guilt inducing. Usually we have lots of friends around/hobbies). Dd is 9 now. After a traumatic experience with infertility I decided to focus on enjoying my life with my miracle baby. I realised I’m a good parent to one but I’d be stretched with more and hate refereeing arguments. I got a puppy in March and she’s completed our family. I can also afford to study and am doing a degree. I like being able to give dd a say in how we spend time and we are very close. In addition I wanted to do my bit to reduce strain on the environment. Looking at what is going on in the world I’m increasingly glad we should be able to cushion her from the worst impacts as food/energy prices increase.

Personally I find one child gives me the best parts of parenting and minimises the downside. Luckily dd also seems pretty happy with the deal she gets!

I’ve had treatment for gynaecological issues so am now infertile so definitely one and done.

Age, money, 2 miscarriages before DD and not wanting to put myself through that again, DD not sleeping through the night until 5.5 years old - we were knackered, she’s amazing but very high maintenance generally .All of that. I didn’t feel a shred of guilt until a pandemic hit and she was stuck in lockdown with just us. Now i feel like we should have just dealt with all the rest of it and gone for number 2 but how were we to know?!

@Nohomemadecandles how bizarre! At least you have the measure of her then. I’m sorry.

PND. There is no way on earth I could ever risk feeling like that again.

@arbiebarb I think PP was suggesting that having extra finances available is ONE of the positives of having an only. Not that she didn't have a second so that she could buy her child a pony instead

I’m a single mother. Didn’t want one when ex DP (not DCs father) wanted to marry and have kids. We split.

Then I met a new chap who stole my best years (I’m 36 now, 29 when I met him) promising me exactly what I wanted all whilst having an affair and hiding his wife he had separated from,,she confirmed they had split. I didn’t know he was married at all.

It took me a number of years to recover from that and now at 36 I’m still having serious doubt and panics About new male interest.

I don’t want another child unless I’m married, security I guess, and realistically for that to happen and have a child I’d be closer to 40 only If new man works out. If this doesn’t then I’d be a bit older and past it in baby making terms.

So... I am spending some time coming to terms with DC being my only one and planning a future as a single cat mom instead. It’s hard. It hurts but Inknow I’ll be ok soon.

I used donor IVF and felt one adult, one child was the right balance. I would have liked more if I'd met the right person, but feel thankful I became a mother at all.

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling

If that's aimed at me I suggest you take your patronising little attitude elsewhere. Why do you presume that having more than one child is some sort of morally superior choice ? Or that allowing your child to pursue their passion is wrong ? I never wanted a sibling and I know plenty of onlies that feel exactly the same.
My mum had very difficult relationships with all her siblings and my cousins (3 sisters) are completely disfuctional. My dad didn't speak to his brother for years and they loathed each other growing up. They have only managed a good relationship since uncle moved abroad. Having a sibling is not automatically some magical relationship

@arbiebarb

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling.

Well, I think it’s entirely ridiculous to take as gospel the notion that a sibling is necessarily a blessed gift. And I say that as someone with three.

I wanted one, because I knew I'd regret it if I never had any. Would have liked to give her a sibling (because mine are ace) but it turns out parenting with c-ptsd is bloody difficult; I don't have the mental or emotional resources to cope with two.

Plus her father had reluctantly agreed to one, and was adamant he didn't want any more, and knowing that, I couldn't in good conscience have deliberately conceived a second.

Glad he stuck to his guns on that one. The noise levels and the sheer unrelentingness of two would have broken me.

@Kissthepastrychef

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling

If that's aimed at me I suggest you take your patronising little attitude elsewhere. Why do you presume that having more than one child is some sort of morally superior choice ? Or that allowing your child to pursue their passion is wrong ? I never wanted a sibling and I know plenty of onlies that feel exactly the same.
My mum had very difficult relationships with all her siblings and my cousins (3 sisters) are completely disfuctional. My dad didn't speak to his brother for years and they loathed each other growing up. They have only managed a good relationship since uncle moved abroad. Having a sibling is not automatically some magical relationship

But likewise your attitude could be viewed as patronising, as in, if you can't afford to privately educate and have a pony then don't have any more.

I nearly died in childbirth and my now ex partner started fucking someone else and left 🤷‍♀️

Pretty rough pregnancy and labour followed by PND that nearly saw me admitted to a mother and baby psych unit (thankfully the meds kicked in rapidly so it didn't come to that).

My own mum had a breakdown when I was 7 and there was no way I was going to risk my DD seeing me in that state if I had a recurrence of the PND with a second child.

I also felt that I could be a really good mum to one child, but would just about be adequate with two. I'm an only child myself and had a pretty happy childhood so had no concerns from that perspective either.

I was lucky that I never felt ragingly broody for another, and now XH wasn't fussed so it wasn't a particularly hard decision to make.

But likewise your attitude could be viewed as patronising, as in, if you can't afford to privately educate and have a pony then don't have any more.

Please do quote where i've suggested that

Had my ds at 29 weeks via emcs due to severe pre eclampsia.
What followed was a lengthy nicu stay, and ptsd/pnd for me. First year wa s spent in and out of hospital.
Hes now 5 and very healthy, me not so much. The risks are just too high.

But likewise your attitude could be viewed as patronising, as in, if you can't afford to privately educate and have a pony then don't have any more.

There's nothing in PO's post that even implies that.

She just said she can do x,y,z for her kid, which she couldn't if she had two. Since she wants all those things for her DD, it makes sense to stick to one.

@arbiebarb

I genuinely find it sad that some people think that things are more important than people. That possessions are better than another person in your life. Obviously not for people who can’t afford more children—but for those who think that giving your child a pony is better than a sibling.

Only if they want that another person in their life.

And of course the quality of life of the existing child is more important than a hypothetical sibling, that might or might not even happen.

@IDontDrinkTea your post is vile. I would find it incredibly hard to believe your parents wished they never had him!!

My middle child is severely disabled. He has most certainly not “stopped my life”, I adore him with every fibre of my being and cannot imagine my life without him. Do I wish he found things easier - of course. Did his disabilities stop me having another child and “tempting fate” - not at all!
He will need support for the rest of his life and I thank god I have raised such an incredible DD who adores her brother as much as I do and I know now she will never, ever see him struggle when me and DH are no longer here.

I feel very, very lucky to have him as my son. I feel very, very lucky to have 2 other children. I feel very lucky to have 3 children who adore and love one another so truly and unconditionally. I hope neither my eldest or youngest ever have such horrible views about their dear brother.