What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

The reason I decided to have no more children after no 1 was due to having many miscarriages, having severe PND and I just could not face it all again.
My daughter is now 7 and would say I am only now mentally and emotionally ready to even think about having another child...something I never thought would happen. However, I am now waiting for a hysterectomy due to having PMDD and ovulating is just not an option anymore as it makes me suicidal.
My advice is unless your running out of time due to your age don't make a firm decision and not let it consume you. One day you may just be ready to have another like I would be doing if I could (it isn't the end of the world for me).

I like the time and attention DH and I can focus on one child, and still have plenty of time for ourselves. Financially we're comfortable and would still be able to afford a good lifestyle with another, but it's more about time and attention than money. I like being able to do things with/for DD, take her to activities, and make choices about her future without having to consider the needs of another child. I wouldn't enjoy having to deal with sibling squabbles either. Pregnancy, conception and childbirth were easy for me, and DD is a good eater/sleeper so none of those were factors for me.

I don’t have siblings and I’m glad of it. My parents had no business breeding at all, they’re both appalling abusers and shagged me into existence with inherited trauma and a huge dollop of massive trauma just for me. Grim. Just to indulge themselves by having a baby. So selfish.

It ends with me. I’m proudly childfree, no offspring of mine will inherit these trash genes or have to live in a dying planet with more pandemics, climate refugees, food and water shortages.

@1Morewineplease

I was brought up as an only child as my older sister was in a ( then called in the sixties) a mental asylum. I hated having to face my parents alone and wished I had an ally but I also wanted to share Christmas, Birthdays and good times with someone else. I felt very alone. That's why I wanted two children.

Now in my late fifties I face dealing with my frail mum alone.
My husband had his sister to help deal with his elderly mum's issues.

That makes no sense. You have two children but then so did your parents. If one of your dc had MH problems then your other dc could have to face dealing with you as an elderly mother on their own too. Having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have someone else to help out with an elderly parent.

The worst thing about having an only is when people assume she must be spoilt. We are lucky that money isn't an issue for us and we are able to give her nice things etc but l can categorically say she is not spoilt. They soon shut up when l tell them l had early menopause and it isn't her fault she is my only but really wish people would think before they make such sweeping statements

My first is due in a few weeks - I’m already fairly sure I won’t be doing this again! My pregnancy has been pretty plain sailing tbh - but don’t particularly enjoy being pregnant, feel so uncomfortable now and a bit crap and tired and the early days were horrific!

Also for the Type of lifestyle we want (lots of travel when it’s allowed again) music festivals every summer etc - we can still budget for all those things with one child - we absolutely couldnt if we had a second!

Definitely can’t afford more than one nursery fee as well - in London so it’s fairly expensive! We will be able to afford for us both to work a compressed week of 4 days and have child in nursery 3 days a week and still have enough left for everything else - a second child we would really struggle!

One done and no desire for another one.

i have two.
The thought of DS having to deal with elderly parents alone terrifies me, at least if he has a aibling they have a fighting chance of going through it all together.

The thought of DS having to deal with elderly parents alone terrifies me, at least if he has a aibling they have a fighting chance of going through it all together.
Sorry to burst your bubble. My granny was paralysed after a stroke, my uncle did nothing. nothing at all. The only time he was interested was when she died, to see what he had inherited. My dad dealt with everything. Having a sibling means absolutely nothing.
Grandma shared her nursing home room with a lady who had 4 children. None of them ever visited her.

My mum is paralysed, just like my granny, after a stroke. At least as an only child I don't have to resent a sibling that won't get involved. I have my wonderful DH to support me.

I don't know why people keep buying into the belief that siblings will love and support each other abd have multiple children for this reason. My family's experience is quite the opposite.

And my dad bitterly resented my uncle for not getting involved. They didn't speak to each other fir years and years because of it.

I like being able to do things with/for DD, take her to activities, and make choices about her future without having to consider the needs of another child. I wouldn't enjoy having to deal with sibling squabbles either.

Me too...I was never able to imagine how I would balance the needs of two kids.

High risk of birth defects. I'm also chronically ill & my medication causes multiple serious birth defects. If a child had all of them it would probably not be viable. It took us years to conceive DD, we didn't know about the risk (I'd told the doctor we were trying so I think they must not have known either, maybe it was discovered quite recently). Fortunately, DD was born physically completely healthy.

Also, the pregnancy made my condition worse, & it didn't get better.

TBH, DD is a handful. She's got some kind of ASD & is relentlessly energetic, in addition to being tall & ridiculously strong, she's recently discovered she can lift me up, I'm not exactly a feather & she's still only 8! I don't think we could cope with another, especially if they were like DD. We love her dearly but she's an absolute angel part of the time, & a devil child the rest of it...

DS has ASD and SEN, there simply isn’t the space in our lives with the care he needs.

I understand there are lots of valid reasons for stopping at one. However, as an only child who had a very happy childhood, I WISH I’d had a sibling! In childhood it didn’t bother me that much, in adulthood it really bothers me. For so many reasons. I miss having family and am so envious of my friends relationships with their siblings. I wish my kids had aunts, uncles, cousins.

My husband appeared to get PND and ceased doing anything. i got no help with housework or child rearing and we were all leaning on me to be the breadwinner working part time. I gave him a few years to shape up but it didnt happen. I just knew another child would tip us over the edge financially and we would be a very miserable family. Now, although DD begs for siblings, nappies etc just feels very far away now and just not part of my life. I dont think im a brilliant mother, and the thought of 'blended' family is not for me so, whats the point?

@Mincepiehangover all kids are spoilt realistically now. I have 3 a d compared to our childhood kids have it all. If you are in a position to provide for your kid don't justify it to anyone, give them the best life you can and be proud of it. Doesn't mean you bringing them up to be a sploilt brat kid.

I always wanted 3 no idea why. My mum had 2 so thought 3 was stupid. People with one get hounded to when they're having another, but having 3 boys I am shocked how everyone thinks I have been dealt a bad hand and asks when I'm going to try for a girl. Seriously who dreams of having 4 kids??? Financially 2 would have been better

I wanted 3 but DS was a nightmare baby with colic and reflux and no sleep (still doesn't sleep great at almost 5). However I would have got over that after a couple of years. What completely floored me was the massive impact having abusive parents had on me. It has been over the last few years that I have realised how truly awful they were as I realise that I could never treat DS in that way.

Gradually this has caused greater and greater problems for me and has now reached the point where I cannot work. I am having therapy so hopefully in time this will improve.

However I have to dedicate time and energy to my therapy and self care and I need a quiet, stress free life and that is much easier to achieve with one. I can't cope with conflict or noise so sibling squabbling would be awful for me.

Basically as a pp said parenting with c-ptsd is bloody hard and I have to recognise my own limits. Having a mother who is healthy enough to parent in a loving and supportive way is essential for the development of a child, a sibling although often nice to have is not essential.

I would absolutely stop at one if a friend of mine wasn’t struggling so much to look after her widowed father as an only.

Onlies are much more common nowadays; in my class of 30 eight year olds I have three onlies, plus two who have such older siblings that they are essentially onlies. They do seem to be suffering more with all the isolations at the moment, but in normal times it doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue.

Having DS made me anxious. I wanted to go back to work when he was 2 (was doing a fixed term contract when I got pregnant) for my mental health rather than have more time at home.

The fact that we realised we could get a good balance of time with DS and time to ourselves if we stuck with one.

DH says environmental reasons too.

I had a really happy pregnancy but my ds had some health issues when born, my DP found it hard to bond initially and I had a massive anxiety flare up. I was also 42. I knew that if I wanted a second child I'd need to act quickly and frankly I didn't want to because of my MH.
My ds is now 5 and I love him to bits. Neither my DP nor I earn big money (compared to most on MN!) but we're comfortable and a second would have stretched that. I'm happy with my decision to stop at one.

I got pregnant quite young.
I hadn't considered children before that.
Her father was an arse. I grew up, he didn't (despite him being 12 years older than me)
The labour and birth was horrendous. He was of no use to me/us and we split soon after.
I was a single mum most of her childhood.
Motherhood is not my forte.... I tried my best.
I now have two fabulous grandchildren.
My dd hated being an only child 😪.
Im concerned now what will happen when I die. Her father died recently.
She doesn't have a wonderful relationship with extended family. (Many reasons I'm not sharing here).
Im comforted she has children of her own though.

These threads always really intrigue me because I am truly yet to meet anyone in real life who says they're happy being an only child, yet the majority of people on these threads who have only one child say they're doing the best thing for their child (money, time etc) and don't seem to consider what their child may be missing out on without siblings. Even if you don't get along with your siblings, growing up with them teaches children so so much.

I actually think the choice of only having one child is the harder choice. I am 1 of 5 (we were comfortable and could afford to go to private school and had our own bedrooms growing up) and they regularly say how we essentially helped bring each other up. My older sisters even potty trained me! And now we're older we are incredibly incredibly close. I realise of course this is not the same for everyone, but of everyone I know who has siblings there's very few who don't get along with a single one of their siblings. The majority have a relationship that you'll never get with friends in the same way.

This thread makes me feel like the choice to only have 1 is based on pregnancy / childbirth / the early years - but that's SUCH a minute part of a persons life, and having siblings affects them for the entire rest of their existence. I wouldn't deny my children that opportunity just because I didn't want to have anymore sleepless nights with a newborn!

We currently have 1 very high maintenance DC, We’ve had a wealth of issues regarding DC health, my health (PCOS) and DH MHealth and honestly we’re still very on the fence about a sibling
There are times where I am really keen to have another and then other times where I think maybe we would be better just staying as we are and concentrating solely on our only DC

I was an only for a very long time and even now I don’t have the type of relationship I would like with DHB’s (too big an age gap and we live hundreds of miles away from each other, plus their DM (my SM) filled their heads with ideas of me trying to steal their inheritance as a teenager, utter bollocks of course I never had a penny from them and she frequently told me she wished I was dead so her sons could have my DF all to themselves) and DH has much older siblings, one of which he cannot stand

Having siblings is really not the golden ticket to having brilliant family relationships in later life - I cannot imagine mine will be particularly helpful when our DF reaches old age and I can guarantee that DH will have nothing to do with his DSis once FIL passes away

Had a miscarriage/struggled to conceive after DS due to health issues. He is 10 now so think the gap is too big. He is happy enough.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about why you had a second. Not one person on that thread who had an only joined to insult the posters or chimed in with their irrelevant opinion. They obviously took the view that as they didn't have a second, they had nothing to add. Yet on this thread posters with more than one feel they should chime in with "I wanted to give a sibling""they are lonely""who will share the burden of parent care" "siblings are more important than possession, this makes me so sad" .

This is the reality of having an only child. IME you have to defend your decision to everyone even in a thread that clearly is a question "why did you stop at one" that only people who stopped at one can possibly answer.

My age and inability to conceive again. I've made my peace with it, as Dd7 is an absolute delight. And we are genuinely happy with our family of 3. I see the chaos of larger families and I know that I personally couldn't live like that!