What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

My DD is 3 now and she sleeps less than the average vampire. I also suffered badly from undiagnosed PPD and anxiety.

I get goosebumps and not in a good way when I think about a second, so therefore I have concluded that it's not on the cards. Maybe I will feel different in a couple of years. For now I feel complete with my only.

Well my dd would much prefer a puppy to a sibling ( has repeatedly told me) so she would be ecstatic with a pony. As it happens she is not getting either yet as i'm not very good with dependent things. Hence the 1 child and no puppy.

I had two miscarriages before we had our daughter who is now 6, was content not to have any more. When she was 2 I fell pregnant unexpectedly and it was ectopic. It was horrendous but the loss made us want to try again. I then had two more miscarriages six months apart and ended up on antidepressants. Have decided now I can't keep putting myself through it, it became detrimental to my own well being. We are happy as we are and I dont feel my daughter misses out by not having a sibling

1. Pragmatism. I am in the upper quadrant of an extremely large family. None of the baby or toddler stage came as a surprise to me as I had already dealt with that growing up. However I had no wish to repeat the experience.
2. Age. I was 36 when I had DD
3. Money. We didn't have the space to accommodate a second.
4. PTSD. Both DD and I had extended stays on hospital post birth. My birth injuries took years to heal and the memory of the horrifically mismanaged birth can still make me physically sick
5. As I tell DD, when you get perfection the first time around, why on earth would you risk getting anything less if you tried again?

1. Childcare is largely boring.
2. We can give one so much more.
3. A sibling doesn't guarantee a playmate. I only know a few close siblings.
4. Child is healthy. A second could have additional needs and I don't feel able to cope with that or the extra strain it may put on 1st child.
5. I love hanging out with her and I don't want to share our time.
6. Our family quality of life is higher.
7. I got my preferred sex.
8. DH wanted one. I wanted two. I realised I only wanted two as that's how it been brought up and when I really thought about it I didn't feel that strongly.
9. Yeah, cute playmates but i cant honestly be fucked with the squabbling and seeing two people I love fighting.

10. Sibling rivalry is shit all round and another thing our family won't have to deal with.

@IseeIsee

Had a miscarriage/struggled to conceive after DS due to health issues. He is 10 now so think the gap is too big. He is happy enough.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about why you had a second. Not one person on that thread who had an only joined to insult the posters or chimed in with their irrelevant opinion. They obviously took the view that as they didn't have a second, they had nothing to add. Yet on this thread posters with more than one feel they should chime in with "I wanted to give a sibling""they are lonely""who will share the burden of parent care" "siblings are more important than possession, this makes me so sad" .

This is the reality of having an only child. IME you have to defend your decision to everyone even in a thread that clearly is a question "why did you stop at one" that only people who stopped at one can possibly answer.

Thank you for this. While this thread is wonderful in making me realise I’m not alone in wanting an only, I’m getting annoyed by the people with multiple jumping in with theirs.

We are sticking at one for multiple reasons. My health isn’t great (Crohn’s disease) and I get tired very easily. I found the early months with DD incredibly tough due to sleep deprivation. I feel I am a good mum to one but wouldn’t necessarily be a good mum to more than that (too lacking in patience, and am introverted and need lots of down time). We would probably have to move house to fit a second in, and money would be very tight.

If we’d still wanted a second in spite of all these things, we’d probably have gone for it. However I haven’t felt a twinge of broodiness since DD was born, which suggests to me that I’m making the right decision!

A reason I forgot: I have a sibling with multiple severe disabilities and I know for a fact that I couldn’t cope with a child with a high level of SN. Having a second would feel like an unnecessary roll of the dice.

@theantsgomarchin

These threads always really intrigue me because I am truly yet to meet anyone in real life who says they're happy being an only child, yet the majority of people on these threads who have only one child say they're doing the best thing for their child (money, time etc) and don't seem to consider what their child may be missing out on without siblings. Even if you don't get along with your siblings, growing up with them teaches children so so much.

I actually think the choice of only having one child is the harder choice. I am 1 of 5 (we were comfortable and could afford to go to private school and had our own bedrooms growing up) and they regularly say how we essentially helped bring each other up. My older sisters even potty trained me! And now we're older we are incredibly incredibly close. I realise of course this is not the same for everyone, but of everyone I know who has siblings there's very few who don't get along with a single one of their siblings. The majority have a relationship that you'll never get with friends in the same way.

This thread makes me feel like the choice to only have 1 is based on pregnancy / childbirth / the early years - but that's SUCH a minute part of a persons life, and having siblings affects them for the entire rest of their existence. I wouldn't deny my children that opportunity just because I didn't want to have anymore sleepless nights with a newborn!

This point has saddened me the most as effectively you’ve said your siblings brought you up rather than your parents, I don’t see what role your parents had if your older sibling potty trained you. I too grew up with several siblings, the eldest of which continue to talk about to this day the fact they effectively had to be a “mother” figure as both our parents were completely unavailable, both physically and emotionally. Their view was just throw money at the problem (multiple different nannies, all of us at different private schools) that they never thought about what needs we actually had. Even though yes it’ll help when our parents are frail to have siblings to share that load I wouldn’t dream of having so many children that as a parent you can’t even emotionally provide for your child.

@theantsgomarchin

These threads always really intrigue me because I am truly yet to meet anyone in real life who says they're happy being an only child, yet the majority of people on these threads who have only one child say they're doing the best thing for their child (money, time etc) and don't seem to consider what their child may be missing out on without siblings. Even if you don't get along with your siblings, growing up with them teaches children so so much.

I actually think the choice of only having one child is the harder choice. I am 1 of 5 (we were comfortable and could afford to go to private school and had our own bedrooms growing up) and they regularly say how we essentially helped bring each other up. My older sisters even potty trained me! And now we're older we are incredibly incredibly close. I realise of course this is not the same for everyone, but of everyone I know who has siblings there's very few who don't get along with a single one of their siblings. The majority have a relationship that you'll never get with friends in the same way.

This thread makes me feel like the choice to only have 1 is based on pregnancy / childbirth / the early years - but that's SUCH a minute part of a persons life, and having siblings affects them for the entire rest of their existence. I wouldn't deny my children that opportunity just because I didn't want to have anymore sleepless nights with a newborn!

Oh and your point of saying you don’t know anyone as an adult whose an only, the friends and my husband himself that are onlies are the most well adjusted and happy people I know and that speaks for a lot.

Severe HG (sickness) and nearly dying. Felt amazing after the birth tho. Just don’t think I could cope with the HG again which is just so sad as would’ve loved more.

@theantsgomarchin

These threads always really intrigue me because I am truly yet to meet anyone in real life who says they're happy being an only child, yet the majority of people on these threads who have only one child say they're doing the best thing for their child (money, time etc) and don't seem to consider what their child may be missing out on without siblings. Even if you don't get along with your siblings, growing up with them teaches children so so much.

I actually think the choice of only having one child is the harder choice. I am 1 of 5 (we were comfortable and could afford to go to private school and had our own bedrooms growing up) and they regularly say how we essentially helped bring each other up. My older sisters even potty trained me! And now we're older we are incredibly incredibly close. I realise of course this is not the same for everyone, but of everyone I know who has siblings there's very few who don't get along with a single one of their siblings. The majority have a relationship that you'll never get with friends in the same way.

This thread makes me feel like the choice to only have 1 is based on pregnancy / childbirth / the early years - but that's SUCH a minute part of a persons life, and having siblings affects them for the entire rest of their existence. I wouldn't deny my children that opportunity just because I didn't want to have anymore sleepless nights with a newborn!

Why would you come on a thread asking why people stuck with one child and post this? What is the point? Why are parents of only children constantly forced to justify their decisions in a way that other parents aren’t?

Money. We can afford to give DS the world which we couldn’t if we had more.

Useless fathers, a child that got up at 4.30 every day for years which was an absolute killer, sheer cost.

I'm an only child after both me and my DM nearly died when I was born. I had a wonderful childhood and don't particularly feel I missed anything not having siblings. If anything I got opportunities I wouldn't have had if I'd had siblings.

I have a 2 yr old and unfortunately I was very ill with pregnancy so won't be able to do it again. DD is therefore likely to be an only child and that is something I'm OK with. I say likely because we are talking about adoption at some stage but who knows what will come in the next few years.

Because I'm an only child I have no concerns about DD being an only child if that's what we ultimately decide.

Id give pretty much anything to NOT be an only. I wasn't but my sibling died. Now with both parents dead its horribly lonely. If anyone is on the fence please don't stop at one.

I have 1 year old. I dont have an urge for another at the moment. Before kids. henever ive pictured my future family it was always with 1 kid. Pregnancy was hard for me and birth was well....a double shoulder distocia :o I really have no urge to do that again though know all births are different. We have a great work/life balance and a decent income that allows us nice days out and travel. With an extra person this would not be the case. Im still overwhelmingly tired at times - today - and feeling like this with another baby to take care of fills me with dread. I have no real support network as my family have moved or are about to move overseas. My mother died and father is in poor health so i will have that sole care duty on top of my own family once my sibling moves away. Inlaws do help with childcare buts its very much on thier terms and they are quite stressful to deal with. The arrangement we have is somewhat shakey so i always have to be be ready for full time childcare if needed (i would rather at this point). I feel another child would make my life harder and no guarentees they will be friends. My DH barely sees his brother,cmaybe a few times a year. his mum hates her brother and his dad doesnt really keep up with his brother despite living 2 doors away...i love my siblings and am very close to my sis who lives overseas. I also am on good terms with my bro but not as close. Hes rubbish at keeping in touch and doesnt really consider his siblings much at all in his own family life. He is about to move overseas to so essentially i feel a bit of a singleton anyway 😂

@JinglePies

I understand there are lots of valid reasons for stopping at one. However, as an only child who had a very happy childhood, I WISH I’d had a sibling! In childhood it didn’t bother me that much, in adulthood it really bothers me. For so many reasons. I miss having family and am so envious of my friends relationships with their siblings. I wish my kids had aunts, uncles, cousins.

There is no guarantee that if you had a sibling you would be close though. I haven't seen my brother in 7 years and he has never met his niece. He was a complete bully when we were growing up and only stopped when we turned 15 and 16. We got on better after that but haven't really had a relationship since our early 20s (now both in our 40s). Our dad died suddenly when we were young and we were both executors, I pretty much had to do everything. Sorting out his property, arranging the funeral etc. I know it will be the same with our mum. Although he is my brother he isn't in my life and hasn't been since we were teenagers. I think people who are onlies idealise what it is like to have a sibling.

@theantsgomarchin

These threads always really intrigue me because I am truly yet to meet anyone in real life who says they're happy being an only child, yet the majority of people on these threads who have only one child say they're doing the best thing for their child (money, time etc) and don't seem to consider what their child may be missing out on without siblings. Even if you don't get along with your siblings, growing up with them teaches children so so much.

I actually think the choice of only having one child is the harder choice. I am 1 of 5 (we were comfortable and could afford to go to private school and had our own bedrooms growing up) and they regularly say how we essentially helped bring each other up. My older sisters even potty trained me! And now we're older we are incredibly incredibly close. I realise of course this is not the same for everyone, but of everyone I know who has siblings there's very few who don't get along with a single one of their siblings. The majority have a relationship that you'll never get with friends in the same way.

This thread makes me feel like the choice to only have 1 is based on pregnancy / childbirth / the early years - but that's SUCH a minute part of a persons life, and having siblings affects them for the entire rest of their existence. I wouldn't deny my children that opportunity just because I didn't want to have anymore sleepless nights with a newborn!

It's lovely that you are close to your siblings but many many people aren't. I don't feel my daughter is missing out on anything by not having a sibling.

DS hardly slept for the first few years and was very high maintenance (needed constant entertaining and couldn't entertain himself). He is now much more chilled, but has been diagnosed with ASD. He also has suspected OCD (referral to CAMHS). I couldn't go through this all again. One is plenty when one is my DS.

Thank you for this thread OP. It’s lovely reading people’s reasons for just having one, as I only have one and only want one (I think!) Everyone is on at me to have another, and truth be told I just don’t think I want another. All you hear is from people with 2.4 children and I feel bad that I don’t want another. But so many happy parents of one has been a nice read for me.

Btw I think the reason I don’t want another is the sleep deprivation and the fact there is always something.. teething, illness, sleep regression, and just when one will get over the illness, the other one may start! Plus I’ve found it really tough with an actual angel child (so far) so I think I wouldn’t cope with a non-sleeper, velcro baby, colic etc.

We both decided a little later on to try for children.
Fortunately very lucky and have a healthy one year old boy, I was 43 and she was 39 when pregnant.

Due to age and increasing risk we're very happy with one, can give him all the attention he needs.

By coincidence we're both only children, we turned out ok.

Forgot to add, i had a loss before getting pregnant. It ruined the first 3 months of pregnancy for me as im an anxious person anyway and i just couldnt ever relax. Hopefully that would the case with the second though but i found it hellish. My DH doesn't reeally want a second as his words are 'we can barely cope with tje one we have 😂' - he is joking when he says this but he doesnt feel the pull for another either. Though if i really wanted one je would probably.go along with it. When people tell me its ok to have just 1, i secretly do feel relieved.like a weight has been lifted. Im a bit of a people pleaser thoigh motherhood is making me more assertive. Its the expectation (ehen you your a second) type phrases that send me into a turmoil at times. Because i dont want another. That being said, if i did fall pregnant i know i would love and cherish that child as much as my first. But i dont have that hormonal/?genetic pull i had with my 1st, whixh magnified ten fold after the loss i had. Maybe it will come back, i half expect it to in a few years when im 40 or so and my body does a ladt ditch effort to get preg again

@Timeturnerplease

I would absolutely stop at one if a friend of mine wasn’t struggling so much to look after her widowed father as an only.

Onlies are much more common nowadays; in my class of 30 eight year olds I have three onlies, plus two who have such older siblings that they are essentially onlies. They do seem to be suffering more with all the isolations at the moment, but in normal times it doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue.

So you're trying for a second baby because your friend who is an only child is going through a difficult time as an adult? Really?

@theantsgomarchin

You talk as though you don't have children so your perspective on the birth/early years means nothing.

I specifically don't want more children because I don't want to put any childcare or 'helping' duties on my child.

I would also have a look at the sibling abuse thread from a while ago, not all siblings get along and some are outright abusive.

As a parent, the trauma of your children not getting on is enormous, particularly when you yourself know one is a waster.