husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

[Romansolider2014]

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

sorry for typos. and just tired and angry!!

YANBU

Assuming on your day off you have DC, it's not a day off is it.

You should have equal leisure time.

What does he mean by you need to agree it?

just get out of the house for a few hours and leave him to it. that's what he does too. what prevents you?

Make plans then, or just take yourself off for a bath or walk.

You don't need to bean count but you could say eg 1/2 day each at weekend and one set weeknight you have each.

Extra time is at your discretion / convenience.

Omg I hear you.. Sorry no advice so place marking but I have the exact same issues. 2 DCs and he goes for cycles and runs all of the time! I wanted 5 mins on the sofa today with just the youngest (on ipad or whatever just 5 mins) sent eldest and H out like it took me 1 hour to get them out and then little one is like I want to go out so took him. To the park (already took him for a bike ride in the morning) but felt bad so took him but I get zero time.
I have on the odd occasion literally gone out for a 15 min alone walk can you do this at all in the late afternoon evening? Maybe he can do bath while you walk? I know what you mean tho I'd like a good afternoon off!!!

What's stopping you just telling him in advance that youre going out, and then going out? Would he sabotage you? Does he ever look after the child on his own? Is he a decent father?

Agree it with who?

I totally get you, its one of the reasons I left my ex husband. He had no issue with telling me he was going out or was visiting someone on his way home from work, leaving me to do the bedtime routine. But if I wanted to go out I had to check he wasn't going to be busy or too tired to look after the DC.

I agree with the PP, make a plan, tell him he's having the kids and just go. Turn off your phone and do what you need to do to chill out for a few hours. He never asks for your permission, you don't need to ask for his.

@Ynwa12345

Omg I hear you.. Sorry no advice so place marking but I have the exact same issues. 2 DCs and he goes for cycles and runs all of the time! I wanted 5 mins on the sofa today with just the youngest (on ipad or whatever just 5 mins) sent eldest and H out like it took me 1 hour to get them out and then little one is like I want to go out so took him. To the park (already took him for a bike ride in the morning) but felt bad so took him but I get zero time. I have on the odd occasion literally gone out for a 15 min alone walk can you do this at all in the late afternoon evening? Maybe he can do bath while you walk? I know what you mean tho I'd like a good afternoon off!!!

Just go out for the afternoon! Tell him you're going, and leave him to it!

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

Of course you should.

thanks for all your replies. has anyone else experienced this???

No, but you're doing the right thing. If this relationship has any hope of lasting, you need to address this now and get it sorted.

YOU are being irresponsible? You are the chief earner, cook, cleaner, childminder and bottlewasher, YOU are not the one flitting off to the gym, on your bike or wafting out for a run every weekend and YOU are being irresponsible?!

I suggest he might want to rethink his current lifestyle and just how much more uncomfortable it could become, without cook, cleaner and childminder on tap, and 50/50 with him having to do it all on his time. . .

Of course yanbu. Is he really trying to argue that only he gets free time?

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

WOO FUCKING HOO! Good on you OP, that is absolutely kickarse self-advocacy and you should be proud of yourself.

DON'T YOU DARE LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS. There is nothing irresponsible about leaving your child with their father, so i don't see what his point is, unless of course he's saying that he's incompetent and can't be relied upon to take care of his kid? Maybe something to ask him.

Well done OP sounds like he will learn the hard way. My DH is always happy for me to go out but when dd was little she was always excited to see him when he got home. He always said oh can't l have 5 minutes peace when l get in which caused a row but didn't solve anything. So when l got in from work and he said ooh mummy's home, l told him l couldn't possible interact with my child after being at work all day and it was only then that he realised what a dick he had been. So stick to your guns and he will get it eventually

Sadly I imagine lots of women have experienced this...

thank you. am going to do this. i am normally okat at rolling with it but lost temper as no childcare help until early jan. what i have realised since having our baby is i think about him - is he tired? need a break? but that thought process not reciprocated. not sure if male/female difference or just he being selfish pig.

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

Good !

A come to Jesus conversation is needed here OP. Cheeky fucker.

Irresponsible to leave a child with his fully functioning adult father? Daddy throwing a tantrum because he has to actually parent for half an hour? Must be nice for your dc to not be the least mature one for once 🙄

agree. hope u haven't. i hate injustice which doesnt help !!

thanks for all your replies. has anyone else experienced this???

Yes. Many many posters on MN experience this. And it goes on for years. Many go on to have another baby and another baby and still the useless lazy fuckers do nothing.
Good on you for going out!

@Romansolider2014

thank you. am going to do this. i am normally okat at rolling with it but lost temper as no childcare help until early jan. what i have realised since having our baby is i think about him - is he tired? need a break? but that thought process not reciprocated. not sure if male/female difference or just he being selfish pig.

He's a selfish pig. Plenty of men think about their partner's needs, yours just seems to be a bit if a twat.

I hope he doesnt do something shitty like keep the baby up til you get back - a friend's ex did that once when she went out for a drink and left him to do bedtime- she got home 3 hours later to an overtired, overstimulated, absolutely distraught baby not even in pyjamas. She left the next day