husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

[Romansolider2014]

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

YRNBU it is perfectly resonable to need a break. I know how tiring it is looking after a toddlier and working FT. My OH gives me a break whenever i ask for as long as i want so i can relax. Your OH is a prat. What baffles me is some men are good at making them and some are pretty shit at bring fathers and seeing when their OH is strugling and needs a break

Its only irresponsible to leave a baby with an incompetent idiot - presumably he isn't incompetent, just an idiot.

You mentioned upthread about him "helping" - is this how he sees it? If not try to avoid thinking of him as helping when he is simply parenting his own child.

There is no discussion to be had about the merits of each having time out, just the practicalities of organising it.

I'm with gamerchick, time for the "come to Jesus" talk about actually being the parent of a small child rather than talking about it.

I hear you. I’m not sporty, but love to read so tried to argue - for years - that me sitting reading my book was just as valid ‘me time’ as my husband’s running and cycling time. However I was always available as I was in the house, in essence I never had any time to myself...I did couch to 5K during lockdown and honestly wish I’d done it 15 years ago when mine were tiny. It turns out sporty husband’s have a problem with you reading a book or having a bath, but don’t have a leg to stand on when you appear in running gear and announce your going for a run. Even on Christmas Day!!!
You’re doing the right thing OP, I wish I had left the house for my ‘me time’ years ago. Don’t let him make you feel guilty.

You do have to just go and do the thing you want. Don't ask basically. There is not much for me to do at the moment, so mine is usually "I'm off for a leisurely bath". I'm trying to get better at in a morning just handing DD over and getting back in bed. However, you have to do it regularly and not just at stress points or when you are both having a bad day.

I've had this too. He said it during a row but he bloody regrets it now because I laughed at him in public and still walked away!

Why does he think he’s entitled to a nicer life than you?

I would start the conversation from a place of assuming that of course you'll both get equal downtime.

"If you do Mondays, I'll do Tuesdays."

"Gosh, maybe you're right and it is irresponsible to have hobbies when DC is so young. I think you'll really miss your running though, it's hard being home all the time."

"Of course you're perfectly capable! You're just as much a parent as I am, the days of maternity leave and breastfeeding are behind us."

If you do have another baby, agree from the start that he'll take at least a month of shared parental leave when you go back to work. That'll help rebalance things a bit and give him an idea of how hard it is.

Good luck.

Irresponsible is such an interesting word. In what way is he a danger to your child?

who was the 1% that disagreed OP deserves the same 'me time' as her DH

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

Oh.My.Fucking.God.......why the fuck is he calling you irresponsible?? The cheeky bastard

You don't need to discuss it. You just need to take it. He comes back from the gym, you hand him the baby and say you are off to the gym now. Spend as long there as he did. If he goes for a bike ride one weekend day, next day, take as long yourself to do something too. No explanations, apologies, negotiations. Took me ages and ages to realise DH would never 'agree' to fair and equal time out. I just need to make an assumption that he was reasonable and act as if it was a given. Life was so much better after that. No resentment. Less exhaustion.

Tell him to go hug a landmine

has anyone else experienced this??? There will be loads of people who have. I wouldn't put up with it though. If either of us wants some time alone we check the other isn't doing anything and we take the time.

The fact he called you irresponsible for leaving the child with it's other parent shows you how incompetent and pathetic he is.

I'd ask him why he thinks you should potentially damage your mental health by never having a break just because he can't be arsed to look after his own child. Why does he view his needs as more important than yours? It seems he thinks himself superior.

He thinks youre default parent. Just keep taking the time out. Go out on the bike. Go for a run. sit in a Coffee shop. Sit in your car. Eventually you wont need to physically leave the house. But atm you do

Irresponsible?! Is he on drugs?? I would definitely time his leisure time and tell him you get exactly the same. He’s an idiot.

Stay strong op!

This is a common problem!

Do not blame you for being v angry, but when you feel calmer sit him down and be clear that you are re-drawing the system here and now. You are equals and the system needs to be equal.

The one thing I’d say is once you have kids everything needs to be more scheduled and formalised especially if you both working. I’d have a shared calendar and book in your time off with each other, you will need to look at this once a week to know who needs to be home early etc. Experiment and find a system that works.

Don’t take any nonsense c you doing paid work for 4 days not 5. You are still working on day 5 just doing childcare.

He may well buck against this because he’s loosing some freedom, but if he’s decent he’ll come good.

Vital you crack this now.

How was today OP?

I'd just ask him

why he doesn't want to be a proper parent?
Why is his free time more important than his?
Why is he irresponsible leaving the kids with you? When you are irresponsible to leave them with him.

hi everyone
thank you do much for replying. i didnt expect any so thank you, has helped.

we had a meeting. he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care. i shot that down. we've typed up a rota and printed and put on kitchen door. i
have said if he tries to back peddle I'll just take breaks by leaving the house, zero notice. since having dc, have not been able to manage my anger as well (i have never been an angry person) as well as i could before, assume is tiredness and feeling overwhelmed at times. will put the violin away. today when he came home from a run, i went straight out for a wander on my own. i felt a million dollars after. that's all it took.

i don't speak up soon enough, then i start to struggle to find the words that i just need
a god damned break sometimes and end up exploding with anger. which isn't good for any of us. i have kept repeating that i am not default parent and hopefully penny will drop if i keep repeating over and over. my mum was default parent, so was his mum, but as with many women nowadays I'm the breadwinner. when i was a child, i used to roll my eyes at my SAH mum's disappearing/anger explosions/random nelt downs, but i can see now she never took time for her, had 5 kids and prob needed a break. i don't think i can be the default parent, good parent, good worker, good friend, functioning member of society, fit, eating my greens and put a 24/7 smile on it. for me it's too much and i just want to hide in a cupboard.

to answer some of the q's, no he isn't irresponsible just either f'ng tries it on, or just likes to bumble along oblivious/choosing oblivion over me needing just a break. anyway, i will keep you posted.

thanks again all.

oh, add to the list, being a great,.fun, spontaneous,.sexy wife who's back in all her clothes. that makes me want to hide in cupboard. pressure from me not dh. god i can be a miserable *** sometimes.

Well done, OP! What was his reaction? Was he grudgingly accepting or penitent?

Well done OP can't believe the cheek of him though to say housework is fffing having a break!!!!

We have a balance and take it in turns as our family unit is just us no chance of grandparents giving us a night off.

I also keep a tally of nights away so far I have enough for a week girly holiday whenever that's allowed again!

grudgingly accepting. think he knows he is rumbled. but i am feeling better, just knowing i am going to set some breaks is good for me mentally. i love my dc more than i could have imagined,but looking after one, esp in tier 3 (been in tier 3 foŕ a looòong time) is intense. more intense than i could imagine!!!!!

Keep it up. You need that time! We all do!