husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

[Romansolider2014]

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

The good thing is you’ve nipped this in the bud early, imagine another 16 years of this!

Just don’t fall back into doing/enabling everything.

OP,
So glad to read your update...but also sad.

What a selfish prick.

A really selfish prick.

Not a good man.

Not a good husband.

Definitely not a good father.

Your anger has been your gut screaming at you.

Please sort out your contraception.

Do NOT have another child with this twat.

Please take some of your down time to really think about exactly what type of a man he is.

He is not what you deserve.

I'm married a very very long time.

Good men do NOT behave like your truly awful husband.

You sound so great.
You and your child deserve better.

Aw lovely that he thinks housework is “me time” , buy him some Oven Pride and tell him he can give himself a good pamper by cleaning the oven.

he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care

Thats lovely. Tell him his time off from now on is doing housework - not cycling or going to the gym.

Who says this kind of shit?

I hope it works out for you OP. He does sound like a stupid prick though.

I've never used the word prick in real life.

And yet it seems to be be on the tip of lips when I'm on MN.

Women!!!! Men behaving like the OP's PRICK of a husband are NOT the norm.

There are so many fantastic men who would never dream of behaving like such selfish shits.

tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off.

I love it. You rock!

Start as you mean to go on otherwise not having a night off will become your normal. Then you'll be lumbered with it all.

I hate injustice like you.

When my DC were younger...he decided to go off skiing on his own...no problem... I then organised a getaway with my friend.

In the end I had more holidays on my own than he did...the kids ate not mine alone and I see no reason to miss out on enjoyment without them.

Just to add...people try and get away with a lot of they can....thsys human nature...by asserting yourself it outs a stop to it.

Far too many people don't assert themselves...and I think by you not being a SAHM ...you are empowered and financially independent, so you don't need to accept any crap.

He's speaking like this now and you are the CIE...imagine if you were a SAHM.

Now he knows you're not a pushover, he'll fall in line and step up (hopefully) because he's seen you will do as you say.

Unfortunately a lot of women complain, but do nothing to change the situation, so it gets worse and they become resentful.

Wow just wow. Housework is time off. Great, he can spent his time off doing the washing, mopping the kitchen food, going to Tesco etc . Has he always been such a knob or just since he impregnated you?

Housework is me time . Glad you’ve finally insisted on being more fair aka treating you like a person, but I understand how much it hurts a marriage to have to explain the very very basics of fair to these selfish men.

Has he adjusted op? Good for you.

This was my mums life. She worked part time and did all the childcare and my dad did what he wanted, work, sleep, pub etc. He couldn’t stand the closeness we had with mum rather than him and his he felt excluded. Should have been part of the family when you had the chance buddy. We were a family of 3, his shite moods and abuse did tend to make us happier without him.

Dont negotiate any 'me time ' just take it. Book it in. And do it. He didnt ask for permission did he?

But considering his attitude. Just make a system. If he gets 2 hours of you get 2 hours off. And dont say " if you get 2 hours off i want 2 hours off " just tell him you are getting two hours off...

If you take two hours off also leave him with a list of jobs. If it’s jolly japes for you to clean whilst looking after a 15 months old I’m sure it’s the same for him.

I do relate to the default parent schtick, what changed it for us was having a second child but I wouldn’t advise that. It’s kind of a kill or cure.

@Romansolider2014

Is your MIL by any chance a house wife who did all the cooking/cleaning/child rearing?

Did you DH move straight out of mummy's house and in with you?

The above is the normal MO with lazy fuckwits who seem to think women should do everything and more

Still think you need to show your twat 'D'H this thread.

Housework is me time? I hope you laughed in his face. What a misogynist.

Make sure you stick to your agreement.

Well done OP. Hopefully, in time you should be able tonsure out some kind of non-grudging equity in (genuine) free time. In our house it gross something like Me: “I’m going for a bike ride with X on Saturday afternoon”, DH:ok, Y is free for a run on Sunday morning, if you can take DS to football”.

we had a meeting. he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care. i shot that down

Man, this made me properly laugh OP. Cheers worra knob.

Hi OP

That's completely shit. I am naturally quite bad at taking breaks and my husband is quite good at relaxing (eg when there are jobs to do, he can just sit and watch tv and do them later whereas I'll attempt both). The difference is that he will often say to me to take some time out, go a walk, etc and he is default parent that gets up with the kids in the morning so I think jts fair enough he gets the time back in the day. Oh and when he goes out for a cycle he normally says something like 'I fancy going out for a cycle this weekend, whens the best time?'

Your husband sounds mean and selfish. Firstly that he is happy to take leisure time knowing you're looking after the kids and doesn't actually mind that jobs are split unequally. There is an element of not giving a shit about your partner if you can see they are run ragged while you merrily wave bye as you go out for a run.

And secondly when you pointed out the inequality, he wasnt like 'oh shit, I'm so sorry' when he realised. It sounds like he would still have been happy with getting more free time than you, even when he knew how miserable its making you? That's not being a partnership! And lastly that he claimed you get a break when you clean the house....what the fuck? Why doesn't he spend his leisure time 'relaxing' by cleaning the bathroom then if it's so much fun?

It's so hypocritical and I'm angry on your behalf. I would guess the anger is half tiredness (it does have a massive effect) and have resentment about someone not pulling their weight. I think it's more about the sentiment (your wants and needs dont matter as much as his) and the reasons behind it (that you're the woman so the house and child are fundamentally your responsibility and he is 'helping') rather than the actual half an hour itself if that makes sense.

Did you take all the maternity leave yourself? If not and you ever have another child I'd suggest sharing it so he gets used to being the default parent and sees how hard it is looking after a child alone all day

@gamerchick

we had a meeting. he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care. i shot that down

Man, this made me properly laugh OP. Cheers worra knob.

Well then, he can do the housework 3 evenings a week.

we had a meeting. he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care. i shot that down

THIS! This is what happens in our house!

DH has down time and plays computer games/watches Netflix alone in his study.
I have ‘down time’ and batch cook DS’s baby food, do the laundry or hoover the house.

DH seems to think it’s the same because I ‘choose’ to spend my ‘free time’ that way. So I stopped doing it for ONE WEEK and by the end DH was at the point of having an OCD meltdown. He couldn’t cope with the house being a mess, no clean clothes, dirty floors, having to make fresh food for DS (I freeze batch cooks for him).

Needless to say I have not had the same issue since. We now have ‘childcare time’, ‘housework time’ and ‘downtime’! Clearly defined and DH is very careful not to confuse!

Yes. I too have this and as. PP put it- time in the house lounging or reading does t seem to count. If I want me time I have to go for run or exercise class and even then when I'm bloody down dog etc I have one or both kids asking me for stuff. It's being the default that gets me. My DH has gone to the tip but I know it's because he wants to. I'll be the one doing the necessary and daily drudge jobs like walking dog, feeding kids, emptying dishwasher etc. I too work one day less and don't I bloody know it ...

Tell him you're leaving and you'll enjoy your weekend breaks when he has the DC

Be careful OP look into the future too. You may have times in your life where you need care, when you are ill or have work problems or are bereaved. Does this man, who not only isn’t thinking about you in the kind and respectful ways that make days run smoothly but is barely seeing you as an equal individual with needs, have it in him to be a good life partner?