husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

[Romansolider2014]

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

Why is it irresponsible for one parent to leave their baby in the care of another parent? He did it earlier so why is it ok for him to do it and not you? Because he is the only one with a penis? I can’t really think of many other differences.

Show him this thread OP. He’s being totally unreasonable.

Oh and btw watch out for cycling as a hobby. The rides will get longer and longer and they’ll turn into weekends away and then holidays. Cycling is not a good hobby for one parent to have when you’ve got young DC imo.

Oh and you shouldn’t have to agree anything with him unless he agrees what he does with you too.

Your day off is a red herring btw.

Honestly this is the story for me and every one of my friends. I think because naturally you take control of baby when they are newborn especially when breastfeeding this can just carry on if left unchecked. Also partner normally just takes couple of weeks paternity leave then is back to normal life where he can go for drink after work, go to gym after work etc. I’ve got 3 boys and realised for me to have free time I had to physically leave the house - if I’m home the kids naturally gravitate to me. Men also seem to get away with it by having “hobbies” - eg football on a Sunday etc (which they can’t possibly miss as they’d be letting people down blah blah blah.). J factor in time throughout the week where I do my thing. Whether it’s going to gym, meeting friends , going for bike ride on my own etc. If I’m not there he just has to cope without me!! I’ve realised the key is do not feel guilty about having you time. The men folk don’t!! We are both happier now it more equal

Another hand up here! My husband is far from useless but taking himself off to do something / take a bike ride / indulge in planning / have a nap etc is seen as absolutely fine. If I do the same, I get him wandering in with a child in tow asking ‘where’s mummy’, ‘what are you doing mummy’ in a tone which suggests I shouldn’t be doing whatever I am doing and instead should be with the kids. Remarkably common amongst my working, high achieving friends too.

Feck that for a game of skittles in my view. I continue to make it clear that it’s fine for both of us to have time out and take it whenever I can. Feel for you though, many men, unfortunately, just can’t cope like we can - a huge generalisation but unfortunately it seems to be quite accurate and prevalent.

When you have toddlers - it's the most demanding, relentless parenting stage in many ways for needing eyes in the back of your head and just never being able to relax - I think a weekend schedule of some kind for 'me' time for each of you can be helpful. Just because it is so relentless and thankless at times, toddlerhood is the worst stage, so you absolutely need to specify the me time or you'll go mad.

At a very basic level for example DH and I always used to take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekends when ours were toddlers. One of us would have Saturday lie in, one would have Sunday. You could easily replicate this to give you proportionate leisure time to your DH's runs/cycles etc: i.e. a one hour run for him = one hour's equivalent leisure/wafting time for you. If he then goes for a cycle for two hours, you get a further two hours, too. And so on, and so on.

The absolute best way to do this is to quietly present it as non-negotiable and just do it. You both basically work full time (being home for a day with a toddler DC is probably far harder work than many jobs). And try not to use language such as 'helping' in relation to DC care. 'Helping' suggests he is kindly offering to do jobs out of the goodness of his heart (i.e. parenting) that are actually yours. Which is of course bollocks. 'Helping' is what a grandparent, friend or other family member might do. DH is DC's parent, therefore he does not 'help', he takes his turn to parent his own child.

Rule here is equal free time.
Free time is actual free time, so time when we are not doing paid work or childcare or household chores.
Parenting needs to be 50/50

I don't understand why it need to come down to this, like if you have me time, I have to have one. Like you say, it's not black and white. You can get overwhelmed.
I am a sahp, and dh works long hours. He still did fair share of child care as soon as he was home, because he wanted to. He does house work that I don't like, like cleaning. I sometimes say "I don't feel like cooking, can you get something on the way home?"
You need to take charge of what you can and cannot do, without making it a big deal?
I get a break if I want to. We are both parents, it's not my sole responsibility to care for our dc. If your dh don't get that, you really need to make him understand, I think.

God I think you are fabulous OP - why shouldn’t you have equal free time. You have just given him a great wake up call and don’t back down!

Well I'd just tell him when you are going for run, cycle, shops or wherever in the same manner he tells you.

WOO FUCKING HOO! Good on you OP, that is absolutely kickarse self-advocacy and you should be proud of yourself.

DON'T YOU DARE LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS. There is nothing irresponsible about leaving your child with their father, so i don't see what his point is, unless of course he's saying that he's incompetent and can't be relied upon to take care of his kid? Maybe something to ask him.

Totally agree @Ohalrightthen

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

How is it being irresponsible to leave your children in a warm house with their father? Was he irresponsible when he left his children in a warm house with you?

Same here. He cycles lots almost everyday for a few hours.
I asked for a snooze yesterday as was shattered and he came up to wake me up exactly 1 hour later and I'd not even slept due to all the noise with the kids downstairs 🤬

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

Exactly the action to take in the face of such selfishness.

Sort out your contraception ffs, so you don't have even the whiff of a chance of getting pregnant again with such a waster.

Think long and hard about your relationship.

You work 4 days yet earn twice what he does, yet you are not entitled to a hour off, when he is taking time regularly??????🙄

How the hell has a bright woman like you got herself into this situation?

He's a very selfish man who is using you.

This is deal breaker territory.

He either shapes up or ships out.

Don't waste your precious life trying to fix a very selfish man.

He is not worth the effort.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Listen OP.

Because the looser in all this is going to be YOU.

I’ve had issues with this too. Initially tried explaining that we needed equal time, which he agreed but it never happened. Then I tried scheduling but he’d never stick to it, or checking if it was ok for him to do childcare before agreeing to do anything.

The ONLY way it works is just to present what you’re doing as already decided, book the course, arrange the coffee, and if you need an hour today just say I’m going now bye. It seems to be the only way it works for us and weirdly doesn’t cause friction.

Have you pointed out to him that you will also “need to agree” every time he wants to do something too.

I think it’s really important, as early as possible, to just go and do things - even if it’s just taking a shower - without organising the childcare first. I mean, dh would just assume (if it even crossed his mind) that I would look after the dc if he wasn’t there, but I would check with him and give suggestions if I was going to take a shower. It’s very easy to slip into the role of default parent. And, take it from me, it’s a really hard role to break out of.

We fell into some of these problems (though to be fair my dh wasn’t an ass) and I think what made the biggest difference was me, raising the bar, and setting a higher standard for how I would be treated and what was fair. Dh didn’t necessarily see it by himself but once I started taking myself seriously, he stopped taking me for granted. It took a while, and a bit of persistence to get out of the rut. There were times that I just drove round the corner on “my night out” and read a book when I didn’t have the energy to organise fun, but needed the break and to hold that space for my time.

Its depressingly common. I still get met with the sour puss face but just push on. I work and run a business so why shouldn't I get freetime to. Having moaned about me wanting to do an exercise class this morning, DH also moaned that I've been falling asleep on the sofa so he's lonely in the evenings. Jesus wept. We have a 2 year old who was woken last night by the storm. I wonder why I could possibly be tired....

< Wonders how much your own bike lock/negotiation aid costs you ? >

I take it the DH asks permission every time he disappears off on his bike , or to the gym etc ? No ? Then why the buggery bollocks should you . Fair is fair . And irresponsible my arse .

He needs to sort his attitude out right now . Before he finds himself doing it all by himself 50% of the time , and that me time becomes a distant memory . Along with his marriage .

How is it being irresponsible to leave your children in a warm house with their father? Was he irresponsible when he left his children in a warm house with you?

Agree but what he actually means is that OP is being annoying because he wants her to be the default parent.
Hes trying to guilt trip her by saying irresponsible.

This needs sorted ASAP. Don't ask, tell (ie you don't need his permission to have some time to yourself). Does he ask you before he goes out cycling?
I'd recommend a calm conversation where you explain (!) that you both are due equal time off from chores & childcare. And maybe plan your week in advance so nobody can say they didn't know/understand.
If he tries the old chestnut of calling caring for his own kid 'babysitting' then you have permission to freaking explode!

Tell him you’re working and do what you want. Or talk to him.My ex was like this. (it didn’t work out).

Not all cyclists are bad! My previously cycling-obsessed husband cut right back as soon as our son was born and now only heads out once or twice a week. We agreed right from the start that we would get equal free-time, and we have stuck almost religiously to it, lockdowns notwithstanding. Thankfully, I'm married to a grown-up, mature man who a) recognises the importance of us both having our free time and b) is a fantastic father who stepped up to the mark from day one.

Well done OP for making a stand. Make sure you stick to your guns going forward!

Do you have your DC on your ‘day off’. If not I wouldn’t waste it doing housework etc and save that for the weekend so your DH can share the load. Definitely just tell him when you are going and just leave! Start as you mean to go on.

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.

sounds like a fine hour to me.

He clearly thinks your child is YOUR responsibility and he is the helper - when he feels up to it. Nip this in in the bud right now before you have another child.

Wait, he actually DISAGREED with the idea that you should get any time off!?