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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

148 replies

Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 18:54

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

OP posts:
cptartapp · 27/12/2020 19:14

Why is his input 'helping?' You need to change your mindset.
He'd be doing 24/7 'helping' on his own half the week if he doesn't change and you split.
Threaten him with that.

Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 19:14

this made me laugh! going to have early night as in no mood to chat to him tonight.i may throw something or smash something, neither of which i want to do, no point and don't want to wake/scare baby.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 27/12/2020 19:14

"he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it"

Does he mean make a schedule?

MerchantOfVenom · 27/12/2020 19:14

So his entire game plan in response to your disobedience is, and will be, to make you feel unutterably guilty and like a bad mother.

You know you have far less reason than him to be guilty about anything to do with equal entitlement to free time.

Do not accept his guilt trips. Laugh at him like such a suggestion is the funniest thing in the world, ignore it, and take yourself off. Keep doing it until he get used to it.

Decent men in healthy, loving, mutually satisfying and respectful relationships have no issue with their wives/partners behaving like regular human beings (i.e. like themselves, men).

You are doing nothing wrong!!!

Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 19:16
Grin
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 27/12/2020 19:16

you are correct OP... take the break.. and be guilt free Flowers

katy1213 · 27/12/2020 19:17

Good for you for going out. Make sure you do it again soon and maybe he'll get the idea. Even if you have to shiver on a park bench!

Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 19:18

he sounds beyond horrible. so happy she left. Smile will keep you guys updated. a good friend of mine keeps a talley of her husband's leisure time so it is even (they have a.2 yr old). i dont really want to get to that point but i will if i have to. will keep u all posted.x

OP posts:
Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 19:19

am not sure. i dont have an issue with this per se but has to be more equal than now. will keep u posted!

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 27/12/2020 19:20

A word of warning - the usual ‘man defenders’ (we all know who they are by now) will soon land on this thread, with their - ‘ooh, ooh, but the big men are entitled to spechul rules and separate treatment, and we mustn’t expect them to put up with the daily crap we take on ourselves’ nonsense.

Be warned. Grin

howdoyouknow123 · 27/12/2020 19:22

You don't have to keep a tally but it's important for your mental health to get a break. I never got one from my ex: now the courts have scheduled times so he can't make excuses not to care for his kids and I get a (kinda) break. I'd love to know why he thinks it's irresponsible that he minds his own flesh and blood? Is he a danger to them?

Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 19:22

thank you for the warning. Flowers people can have their own opinion and i am not saying i am "right" all the time by any means. think this just come to a head with us being off work, and me feeling like am not getting a break!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 27/12/2020 19:22

Do you have a meeting every time he wants to go out? Do you agree to it or does he just go out?

Sounds like he's got a good set up - you earn more, do more childcare and don't have free time.

It's a common theme on MN. My DH used to go out more when ours were little - now they're older he's always home 😂 It's common in particular amongst cyclists. My DH is into footie which can take time up.

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 19:23

When he said 'you need to agree', I'm inferring from that, that he feels he needs to 'give permission'. Erm, wrong, dude.

Also 'irresponsible'. Is he saying that he is not a fit and proper parent who can safely be left to look after his fifteen month old for a short period of time? If so, why not? And it's about time he bloody well learned how to then, isn't it? A very good way of facilitating this improved confidence and skill in parenting is by doing it.

Dickhead. . . . mutter, mutter, mutter. . .

That would have been a flying fruitbowl moment for me, for sure. Good on you!

museumum · 27/12/2020 19:23

I’m totally with you op but I don’t understand the drama. You do need to communicate and it would be good to give him notice I know I appreciate knowing ahead of time when do is going out cycling and I do him the courtesy of telling him when I plan to run or just have some chill time. We find having a rough routine helps us all.

VettiyaIruken · 27/12/2020 19:25

You ought to sit down with him and ask him to answer two questions.

1 why is it acceptable in his eyes that he does X, y, z totally however many hours of hobby / free time every week but you having hobby / free time is a problem to him.

2 why his free time is when he chooses and no agreement needed but he expects you to have permission.

Then just sit and wait for his answers.

StacySoloman · 27/12/2020 19:27

Sometimes at the weekends I just go to my room for a couple of hours and lock the door Grin You don’t have to go out if you don’t want to.

I would agree something like you get a lie in each and a morning/afternoon each at the weekend, with the other morning/afternoon as family time.

So for example you have a lie in on Saturday, then he goes to the gym/runs/bikes. In the afternoon you both take your dc to the park.
Sunday he gets a lie in. You both gets chores done/play with your baby/have lunch together. Then you have the afternoon off.

LannieDuck · 27/12/2020 19:30

What did he mean by it being 'irresponsible'?

Did he mean that one parent shouldn't be left alone with the DC (in which case he needs to rethink that argument pronto... because bye bye gym and cycling!), or did he mean that you shouldn't leave the DC with him because he's not capable?

2020isalmosthindsight · 27/12/2020 19:33

@VettiyaIruken

You ought to sit down with him and ask him to answer two questions.

1 why is it acceptable in his eyes that he does X, y, z totally however many hours of hobby / free time every week but you having hobby / free time is a problem to him.

2 why his free time is when he chooses and no agreement needed but he expects you to have permission.

Then just sit and wait for his answers.

Exactly this.

He sounds like a selfish twat, where he 'helps' you, rather do his share, and expects his life to be his own whereas yours isn't.

Make him answer those questions.

BestOfABadLot · 27/12/2020 19:34

Put your foot down now OP. My friend has a DH who can barely be left alone with the kids (two easy going girls 5 and 7) and when he is my friend is on edge and has to rush home to make sure he hasn't dumped them on their ipads for 12 hours straight and forgotten to give them food.

I would be telling him you're having free time from now on, let him know in advance when it will be and just leave. NO shouting, no explaining or asking permission.

OldBean2 · 27/12/2020 19:37

Please just go and do. You do not need permission, he does not ask you for permission, you are both adults, so continue with the adulting!

I am rather proud of you and that goes for everyone else on the thread who leads a balanced life with their partners. Although you may not wish to keep a tally sometimes an evidence log is needed to demonstrate the actual issue.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2020 19:46

@Romansolider2014

agree. tonight i said that's it and walked out the house leaving him to do bath and bed (I'd done feed, play , cleaning etc while he out on his bike). he said i was being irresponsible.i told him to fuck off. not my finest hour but i was so annoyed.
Irresponsible?

You left the child with a parent, not in the middle of the road!

Oh, dear. Good luck with trying to get through to him. I suggest a chart.

corythatwas · 27/12/2020 19:46

he said i was being irresponsible

Oh dear, that is rather revealing, isn't it? If you are irresponsible to leave him alone with his own child, then there must be something pretty seriously wrong with him, mustn't there? I'd be wanting details here.

And no, this is not normal. Most men are perfectly capable of looking after their own children.

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/12/2020 19:50

@gamerchick

"Come to Jesus conversation etc is called for"

Blimy, No wonder i find it so difficult to get in contact with him.
😁

ElectriPfizing · 27/12/2020 19:51

You need to make plans to do your own thing and just do it, exactly the same way your DH does. Obviously just tell him (the same way he tells you, whether it is on the day "going for a run and coffee hun, be back in an hour" or if he gives you more notice you could do the same.

Our problem atm is neither of us have ANY alone time since everything is shut in Tier 4 no family over xmas and I scream into the pillow everytime we go for a family walk or bike ride (so do the kids)

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