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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband has "me time", why shouldn't i???

148 replies

Romansolider2014 · 27/12/2020 18:54

we're parents to a beautiful 15 month old and both work. i work a day less than dh, but i earn twice as much. never been an issue for me. on day off i either do household stuff or childcare, rarely is "free time".

during weekends and current xmas break, dh often has his own time as he goes on bike rides, runs or (when open) the gym.i tonight said if he gets free time, so should i. i am not saying bean count, but childcare no break all day is knackering (he does help but often i am there too, so not a break). he started to bluster and bargain and say we needed to agree it. to me, and i not a black and white person, there's nothing to discuss. if he gets a break, i do too.

had anyone else had this issue? any advice ? ????

OP posts:
Yogatomorrow · 29/12/2020 09:39

Sorry to get political and bring up Dominic Cummings but his trip to Durham shows how much this is the national subconscious.

On finding out his wife had covid, his reaction was to drive to the other end of the country rather than look after his 4 -year-old himself. And a substantial proportion of the country didn't question it. In fact the government believed the kid provided the perfect excuse.

Message = women are the carers, men's time is too important.

Woodlandbelle · 29/12/2020 09:43

OP you are great Flowers
You are totally doing the right thing. Our are much older but dh still asks what will they eat (when we've had a main meal in the day and he doesn't know what to give them at 5pm for example)
I often leave the house as I need to post a letter of something just to make my point. So he has to think for himself.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 29/12/2020 09:46

@MadameButterface

Aw lovely that he thinks housework is “me time” , buy him some Oven Pride and tell him he can give himself a good pamper by cleaning the oven.
😂 brilliant!
SummerHouse · 29/12/2020 09:47

@Yogatomorrow

Sorry to get political and bring up Dominic Cummings but his trip to Durham shows how much this is the national subconscious.

On finding out his wife had covid, his reaction was to drive to the other end of the country rather than look after his 4 -year-old himself. And a substantial proportion of the country didn't question it. In fact the government believed the kid provided the perfect excuse.

Message = women are the carers, men's time is too important.

This is a fine example of a man being a fool. But I think you could fit the number of people who didn't question it in a Nissan Micra. Grin
Yogatomorrow · 29/12/2020 09:54

Not in my circle...but glad to hear others are more enlightened Smile

Woodlandbelle · 29/12/2020 10:14

Good for you pumpertrumper

MumW · 29/12/2020 10:52

I was going to say that the response to "we need to agree" should be "Good, because I don't agree with you getting all, this 'me time' on walks, runs AND the gym when I don't get any time away from the baby or H/W ever" but I'm glad to see you are already tackling it.
Be aware, though, that you'll need to keep him on his toes otherwise the old status quo may just creep back.

ByersRd · 29/12/2020 11:08

And post COVID time for you to book a regular class, gym session, group or sport to be part of!
'Every Thursday evening DH, I'm going to...'

Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 29/12/2020 12:09

thanks everyone. am signed up to running couch to 5k club, from jan, so out 2 nights a week. also noted already he having much less free time/doing more at home as fairy not doing it. around the house he took the bins out and that's it, but now if baby asleep, he has to do housework if I'm dping it. still early days. will keep you post x

OP posts:
Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 29/12/2020 12:11

god you're right. women went to work but home not balanced/addressed. it's as if society just stayed silent on it all. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Romansolider2014 · 29/12/2020 12:13

when i am ill, i have to leave the house or i get roped in on chid care. i have to physically leave. we have been together 12 years, all brilliant, but when baby came it has been v rocky. i suggested counselling but he not keen. going to see how goes and suggest again. never thought we would be the cliche couple struggling but here we are!

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 29/12/2020 12:15

Glad you've found your voice OP. Smile

stackemhigh · 29/12/2020 12:21

Just don’t ever let him be SAHD. You’ll still be stuck with all the work and have to pay him support / CMS as you earn more.

coldwaterfeed · 29/12/2020 12:22

@Romansolider2014

when i am ill, i have to leave the house or i get roped in on chid care. i have to physically leave. we have been together 12 years, all brilliant, but when baby came it has been v rocky. i suggested counselling but he not keen. going to see how goes and suggest again. never thought we would be the cliche couple struggling but here we are!
Get a lock the bedroom door!

What happens when he’s sick?

Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 12:25

@Romansolider2014

god you're right. women went to work but home not balanced/addressed. it's as if society just stayed silent on it all. Angry
Society has stayed silent because it works for the people who hold the power.
custardbear · 29/12/2020 12:34

Good for you! Don't let it fall back again to what it ws either. Me and my DH have separate exercise times and just slot them in. He does school drop for 1 and me for DD, he does pick up. I cook dinner and shop, he sorts washing and does DIY A(ongoing project a t the moment!)
We even have some separate holidays (much to his mums disgust!) but I don't care as I like pool, spa and beach holidays and he like activity ones so sometimes we just go with other friends and enjoy the down time - other holidays we have as a family

Tell him it WILLwork as long as he gets with the programme!

WoolieLiberal · 29/12/2020 12:37

Have a non-confrontational sit down with him and work out a schedule where you get to go out and do something child-free on certain nights just as he does.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/12/2020 13:07

You need to be able to relax in your own house though. Men who work from home seem to manage to lock themselves away (literally or metaphorically) very successfully. It can be done.

One difference is children habitually seeking out mum to meet their needs. Another is men colluding in that, instead of parenting the child themselves. So when a dad's on childcare duty and the child says 'I want Mummy!', then instead of dealing with the issue, or distracting the child, he ends up giving in and bothering the mother. Pure laziness.

Funny how, when men are working, or doing their leisure activity at home and the child wants daddy, women don't just say 'ok, let's go and go and find him'. They treat that as an impossibility, distract and do a bit of parenting.

OldBean2 · 29/12/2020 13:14

I just want to say well done, OP, I am so pleased for you. Expect some setbacks and him to run a bit of interference but you will get your well deserved me time. Congratulations!

WednesdayAllTheWay · 29/12/2020 13:26

This is literally all of my friends.
And my sympathy is limited once they start justifying why their useless OH can't do anything in the home and needs their "time off" from their very stressful job and can't possibly be expected to get up in the night or find the washing machine or whatever.
It's patriarchy and sexism in action and as PP have said it you don't nip it in the bud it will get worse.
You are equal partners therefore you are entitled to equal time off. End of.

2020isalmosthindsight · 29/12/2020 14:33

@Pumpertrumper

we had a meeting. he tried to say me doing housework etc is time off as not child care. i shot that down

THIS! This is what happens in our house!

DH has down time and plays computer games/watches Netflix alone in his study.
I have ‘down time’ and batch cook DS’s baby food, do the laundry or hoover the house.

DH seems to think it’s the same because I ‘choose’ to spend my ‘free time’ that way. So I stopped doing it for ONE WEEK and by the end DH was at the point of having an OCD meltdown. He couldn’t cope with the house being a mess, no clean clothes, dirty floors, having to make fresh food for DS (I freeze batch cooks for him).

Needless to say I have not had the same issue since. We now have ‘childcare time’, ‘housework time’ and ‘downtime’! Clearly defined and DH is very careful not to confuse!

Brilliantly done.

Everyone who has a spouse who treats the other in this manner should be treated accordingly. Down tools, essentially, and enjoy the 'free time' as such and watch for the light bulb moment.

OP, your DH was a prick to even let the idea enter his head that he gets hobbies and you get to do housework as downtime.

billy1966 · 29/12/2020 14:43

@Pumpertrumper

Well done👏.

OP,
You have to leave the home to be ill, physically leave the home.

You married a nasty piece of work.
Hard to believe he kept his true character hidden for 12 years.
It appears as if you did everything in the house before your child arrived and you thought he would magically step up???

They don't magically step up.

Lazy selfish shit pre children....

Lazier, more self shit after children.

You would be out of your mind to have another child with him.

Flowers
FinallyHere · 30/12/2020 14:00

After asserting yourself very reasonably i felt a million dollars after.

Brilliant. Keep going, don't let him back slide. Your life together will be much better for both of you. Enjoy.

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