Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

[Dearrosie]

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

I would concentrate on the needs of your existing children. I would hazard a guess they don’t need an extra sibling.

Children with SEN change as they get older, somethings get easier, some things get harder. I can’t imagine having to split my time again (I already have 2 Sen children)

Not in a similar situation, so bumping for you OP.
But genuinely, if you think that you could cope with the possibility of another child with the same / similar conditions of your two boys and think it would complete your family then it's only a decision that you and your husband can make.

I personally wouldn't, but I wouldn't judge you either x

I have no experience of SEN children I'm sorry . I do however have 2 boys who are 6&4 and a 9 mth old ds. It has been incredibly hard work from the start not only the pregnancy but then the birth and recovery . My two boys are pretty self sufficient and I really feel like I have hardly any time for them having number three had really tipped the balance and having another baby incredibly hard work .

I totally get that longing, and I’m so sorry for your loss. With me, it was a late miscarriage that came out of the blue and went wrong very very quickly, with me losing so much blood I was on the verge of cardiac arrest. Luckily I was already in hospital so they were able to do a transfusion very quickly. The emotions attached to that are enormous, and difficult and I’m not sure I’ll ever fully process them. We already had 3 dc, one of whom has disabilities similar to yours. It was also our third miscarriage and tbh I should have had counselling to deal with that. But that longing was there, and we had our fourth baby last year. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been, and as taboo as it is to admit I honestly think we did the wrong thing in having her. Those feelings are much much worse than the sense of loss and incompleteness I felt before. For full disclosure, I have had some treatment for PND. She’s just such a difficult baby and I feel wrecked by the demands she places on me every day, and my other children have suffered immensely from the lack of attention and time. Please try and find a way to reconcile your loss with an acceptance of what you already have

I don't have any answers OP, just a hand hold.
You express your yearning for a neurotypical child THat makes sense to me- but what is you have another child with similar challenges?
I would seek some counselling to wrestle through the issues.

Sounds like you have been through a lot. There is no guarantee for a healthy baby as you know. How would you feel about another child with complex needs and how would this impact on your care of your existing 2 DC. Do you think you would be able to meet the needs of three disabled children? If not, don't.

I have a 4 and a 6 year old both with additional needs. I genuinely don't see how I could continue to give my existing children what they need if a baby were to be brought in to the mix. It wouldn't be fair on the existing children no matter how much I would love to have at least one more baby.

Already having children with ASD etc makes you more likely for subsequent children to also have additional needs.

As hard as it is you need to do right by your existing children as priority. If you could have another child without it being at the detriment of meeting the existing children's needs then go for it.

2 is actually the ideal number right kids in a two parent setting- then you can give them all the attention they need and help them with their school work, interests etc. This is for non SEN kids. I think you need to persevere with coming to terms with your loss and focus on your existing children. I know it's easy for me to say for I have not walked in your shoes. I did however work in Paediatrics where I saw families with multiple needs kids and my opinion comes from this experience plus having kids myself

I wouldn't, I had a 3rd before I realised the other 2 had SEN, the 3rd child is even more extreme. It's very difficult. ASD is more likely when the father is older, so its unlikely you will have a NT child.

Only you know how much you can cope with ultimately, your DH sounds lovely.
My personal experience is slightly different in that I only have 1 sen child but I did go on to have twins after him. There is a big age but I can honestly say it's the best thing I ever did, they've been great for my eldest, bringing him along as they grow and they are the most caring, tolerant siblings.
That said, if they'd had problems of their own it would be harder and we've had struggles along the way but overall it was the right thing for us.
I always say it doesn't matter what your decision is as long as it's YOUR decision xx

To be honest I wouldn’t OP as your boys get older I think it will be more difficult for you. What if the 3rd child had additional needs? You need to think of every possibility. You could also have twins too!

I have 1 NT child and 1 with autism

I made the choice that I wouldn't have another and although I mourned that decision for a while the teenage years hit and I've not regretted it -I've found the teenage years significantly more challenging

It's not easy having ASD and it's definitely not easy being the sibling of a child/teen with ASD -sibling emotions can be incredibly complicated

I often describe myself as being pulled in 2 to meet their needs which means I don't meet my own -I think having a third would have tipped me over

It is a personal decision and I have a lot of respect for anyone that does make the choice to have further children, but please consider the needs of everyone in the family

I was in your situation.
We decided not to have another child and instead put all our resources into meeting the needs of our existing children.
It really hurt. I still feel bad and my children are in their 20s.
But it was the right decision. My children's needs are significant particularly the youngest who is prone to episodes of extreme violence.

All you can do is weigh it all up and make the decision that feels like the best one. There are no crystal balls so it's just guesswork.

I personally wouldn't. If you had a "typical" child they will likely need to take on a more parental role than a typical sibling in later life. If your theirs child wasn't "typical" would you want another?

I'm very sorry, OP, but I think it's selfish to bring another child into the mix. Your DH has 10 children already? And the 2 with you have numerous special needs? Do the others? Is there a genetic component? Are you likely to have another child with numerous special needs? Do you really think you have the time, patience, resources and ability to have 3 with special needs if you have the choice not to now? And even if a third doesn't have special needs, do you have the ability to do right by a third or will they always come last due to needs must?

Similar situation here OP. I had a son first then a daughter with some fairly complex needs after. I then had an unplanned pregnancy who was sadly stillborn just before 24 weeks. After that loss I was so very desperate to hold a baby, my baby in my arms again. I thought long and hard about it given the existing needs of our daughter. In the end I decided that I would never regret another baby once it was here but I would probably always regret not having one. That decided it for me. We went on and had a lovely baby boy a year later followed by another daughter 17 months after.
My eldest daughters needs have become more intense the older she has got but this is now the only life I know.
For me, the decision to have more children was the best one I ever could have made.

@2020isalmosthindsight her husband doesn’t literally have 10 children, she’s saying he would happily have 10 children if he could so is happy to go ahead with a third

I really appreciate the replies and the honesty. It has been so hard dealing with the loss of DD, the boys of course don't really understand what happened so life just carried on as normal. We don't have a lot of family near by that can handle looking after them so we never got much chance to just sit and grieve on our own.

It's hard to talk to DH about it because he does just find the positive in everything and thinks we'll manage no matter what happens. I know we would manage but I don't want it to be at the detriment of anyone else. It's so difficult

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby op, that must be utterly heartbreaking.

I had two children both with a range of disabilities and very much wanted a third. We eventually did and it has been wonderful, so much so, we tried for a fourth but the ovaries were a bit too old.

I would say go for it. I used to say to dh when I was having a wobble, 'there is no good reason for us to have another baby' and he would wisely say 'there is never a 'good reason' to have a baby. The only reason to have one is because you want one.'

And my only regret is not cracking on with the third baby so I could have fitted in a fourth.

We are well into the process to foster and hope that by the end of the year we will be able to welcome another child into our family - the 'need' for another has never gone!

Jeez, why would you? Haven't you got enough on your plate?

I don’t know what’s it’s like to have children with sen- but I do know the need for a baby after a still birth. My girl was still born at 42 weeks. My next girl born 12 months later. It may not have been the best idea to have two babies in such quick succession and maybe I should have allowed myself to grieve the dead one...but I couldn’t stop my self. The need for another baby was overwhelming and all encompassing. I don’t know what to say for the best- but, I know a little of how you feel.

You have your own mental health to worry about on top of it all. Unless you are the the highest energy woman imaginable, I wouldn't. I find my anxiety disorders make me more tired and need more down time than an NT parent.

...sorry, last point - everybody copes differently with parenting. I have friends with two NT children who find it really hard and are looking forward to when the kids are older and less reliant on them.

I was bollocks at coping with work stress and the slightest whiff of pressure made me buckle and verge on a breakdown. But give me four unruly kids and I love the challenge and pressure! I love having the kids friends round and my nieces and nephews and regularly take DS13 best friend away with us for two weeks in the summer. I just like the noise and the fun.