Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

130 replies

Dearrosie · 27/12/2020 18:15

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

OP posts:
GlittercheeksOakleaf · 28/12/2020 09:57

God there's some shitty replies on here. Really heartless, nasty people sticking the boot in because they can and they should be ashamed.

This person's baby died. The physical burning, aching, longing to hold another baby when your baby has died is absolutely all-consuming and its nothing to do with 'replacing' because no child can replace the baby who died, they are an individual the same as any other child.

The concept of your family never being complete, no matter how many children you have subsequent to a baby's death, is something that is hugely difficult to come to terms with. Hopefully, since the OP is seeking MH support, that will be something she will learn to live with.

OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Flowers and I'm sorry some people have been so nasty on this thread.

Wavey123 · 28/12/2020 10:01

So sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how heartbroken you would be.

Are the odds of a 3rd child having problems likely? It sounds like it could be likely if the other 2 both have similar issues. Rather than a healthy girl (who’d have a lot on her plate to deal with when she gets older), it could be another boy with the same problems as the first 2. I don’t think I’d want to take that high risk.

formerbabe · 28/12/2020 10:35

@GlittercheeksOakleaf. Well said

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/12/2020 10:41

I would worry about having a child who then felt their role was to support their older siblings, even to the detriment of their own needs or what they wanted for their family.

Plussizejumpsuit · 28/12/2020 10:48

I don't think you want to hear this but it is selfish. Given the disabilities and health conditions your children have I think it would be likely another child may have additional needs. In addition its not fair to bring another child into a family with very high need siblings.

I'm really sorry for your loos. But it sounds like your need for a baby is about you and the still birth. Not really about the impact it would have on your family.

santabetterwashhishands · 28/12/2020 10:53

I have a NT daughter then I went on to have my son who has severe autism and severe learning difficulties. No way on this earth was I planning on any more children.
But I then had an unplanned pregnancy and I was so scared of how I was going to cope.
But I did cope and the birth of my sons baby sister was the best thing ever,it's taught him so many valuable lessons (he has to wait,the world doesn't revolve around him) and she's 6 now and the bond they share is amazing x I would never have planned her but I'm so glad she's here x

Respectabitch · 28/12/2020 10:57

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

It seems like there are two possibilities if you have another DC. One, which I think you have to consider highly likely with the history so far, is that you have a child whose needs are at least as great or greater than the DC you already have. Could you manage that, truthfully? Or would it tip you over the edge into an unmanageable situation, especially given your own MH needs.

The other is that you have a healthy NT child and although that might help you, it seems very likely that that child's life would be shaped and overshadowed by the needs of their older siblings.

I can understand that the longing to have another child is terrible, but I don't see a lot of potential good in the prospect of doing so in the circumstances you describe. I wish you the best though and hope that you can find ways to be happy.

Snog · 28/12/2020 11:11

I would really concentrate on your own health for a while and see where you are in a years time. If your mental health is shattered then it will be good for nobody in the family.

Stapleton143 · 28/12/2020 11:26

Dear Rosie
I have two severely autistic adult children, and one older one with extreme anxiety. It’s like a constant pain and it effects your marriage. My daughter developed extreme violent behaviour at puberty and had to be hospitalised for a year then a children’s home and then into supported living. You don’t know what problems there will be, and your own resilience. I am always thinking about what would happen when we pass as well.

gypsywater · 28/12/2020 12:22

I'm so shocked by the insensitivity on this thread. The OP has had a baby girl die ffs. Show some kindness.

sosotired1 · 28/12/2020 12:27

Am shocked too, the word 'selfish' has come up over and over again. I doubt very much if the OP is selfish. This is an incredibly complicated situation and the lack of understanding or empathy from some posters is painful.

Amilliontoone · 28/12/2020 12:52

I think you should consider leaving it for a while and seeing how you feel then. Your own health is not well and there are covid restrictions in the mix. I would leave it for now and reconsider later next year.

Amilliontoone · 28/12/2020 12:54

A pregnancy after stillbirth is very stressful. I think you are better waiting until life is likely to be easier.

Porcupineintherough · 28/12/2020 13:01

I have never been in your position so I dont know what to advise you. I do know that I longed for a third child but we didnt have one as I didnt have the necessary mental and emotional resource to manage 3 little ones and then we were too old. The longing never totally went away but it did grow less intense and I feel now that we made the right decision for our family. So I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that it is possible to make peace with a decision not to go ahead even if you do want a other child (I wish I'd known that back then).

Mincepiesallyearround · 28/12/2020 14:25

Hi OP, is time on your side? Can you park the trying to conceive for a bit or is it now or never? How would you feel if the third was a boy? I have to say in your boat I would try as I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with the ‘what if’ feeling but would have to be 100% accepting of the chance of having another boy with additional needs and the impact on my other two. Good luck whatever you decide and I’m sorry for your loss.

Levirandal · 28/12/2020 14:33

I wouldn’t. Our middle ds has autism and he’s amazing and I fell pregnant when he was 2. At the time we only knew he had a disability but attributed it to a knot in his cord at birth and an operation I had whilst pregnant. Went on to have a third child who has complex Sen. At 8 is non verbal and is very hard work. They’re very loved but if I could go back we’d have stuck with two children because they need us.

CharlotteRose90 · 28/12/2020 14:40

I personally wouldn’t . I grew up with 2 sen brothers and that meant they always get attention and I was left out. I’m not jealous in one bit but it actually ruined my childhood as nothing would be fun it always had to be 100% planned. It also stressed my parents out that much that they divorced. Would you risk doing that to a possible child?

supportneeded1 · 28/12/2020 14:43

You absolutely could have another. Go ahead with counselling but so often in situations like this the real healer is to hold a baby again and fighting against that is hard. I know only too well.
What I will say also having dc with additional needs if you go ahead and ttc is to get everything as set up for them as a
Is possible. The right school place, the right childcare, get a cleaner if you can so you have time to spend with them and you are not stressed. Take some time now to get things as close to perfect as you can (hard with asd but do the best you can) and iam sorry for your devastating loss, it never gets better but you can find joy again and if that means another baby that is what you need to do. You’d clearly never regret another child but you could well regret not trying xxx

Levirandal · 28/12/2020 14:44

I’m sorry for the loss of your dd. It must be incredibly painful and counselling might be worth exploring.

TheBuffster · 28/12/2020 14:54

Sorry for your situation. Not the same situation but I have one child being DX with cp. Always wanted two, perhaps a girl but terrified of what it would mean for D's if I had another. Feel like I am betraying him if that makes sense (I know it's not rational to feel that, but I feel guilty for a whole host of reasons). Have considered adoption, but also fighting my hatred of own body as feel it let us down.
Don't know if I ever will have another, but do know it's common to yearn for the 'normal' experience. My counselor said having a an child you have to grieve the child you thought you'd have.
Whatever you decide it's good to know DH is supportive.
Personally I am not going to think about it till pandemic over, as D's treatment is all over the place.

TheBuffster · 28/12/2020 14:57

@GlittercheeksOakleaf

God there's some shitty replies on here. Really heartless, nasty people sticking the boot in because they can and they should be ashamed.

This person's baby died. The physical burning, aching, longing to hold another baby when your baby has died is absolutely all-consuming and its nothing to do with 'replacing' because no child can replace the baby who died, they are an individual the same as any other child.

The concept of your family never being complete, no matter how many children you have subsequent to a baby's death, is something that is hugely difficult to come to terms with. Hopefully, since the OP is seeking MH support, that will be something she will learn to live with.

OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Flowers and I'm sorry some people have been so nasty on this thread.

Totally agree. So sorry for your loss.
IslaMann · 28/12/2020 15:56

I am the older sibling of a disabled child.

Please, do not have another child. It's needs will always be secondary to those of yours with their additional needs. It's just not fair.

Kaydogsdinner · 28/12/2020 16:06

I have one child with autism (7) and the other NT (nearly 4). We knew our eldest had problems before youngest was born. Like a PP said I feel torn in two in terms of their needs, the younger one needs a lot of attention and reassurance and my eldest needs a lot of support too of course, she has a lot of issues. I really really really wanted another, but I knew I'd spend another pregnancy worrying about what would be and how I would handle it but I completely understand that need, that burning need to have more, especially after the loss of your daughter Thanks
I am going to consider adoption or fostering as I'd really love to give a home to another child/children , but that will be further down the line once my kids are older, I couldn't handle another right now, or risk having another with additional needs, it would be too much for me to handle.
Hugs to you Daffodil

myfatiguehastiredness · 28/12/2020 16:29

I just want to point out that my 'burden on society' (hurrumph) works full time (in fact worked for the NHS for two years), drives, pays his taxes and contributes to society. He has a range of severe needs including ASC, dyspraxia, dyslexia, semantic, pragmatic, impulse control, total naiveté and trust in people. We still have to very actively parent and support him. My neurotypical child has lifelong medical needs which need active management. He has less common sense than the older one but life is easier for him. Had I been younger, we might have had a third but the eldest's SEN was hard - its a long battle for funding, schooling, social understanding, benefits. I also work full time. I couldn't have done this if I had a third and there was a fair chance that could have had more SEND than we were already dealing with.

cptartapp · 28/12/2020 16:49

The very fact that pp have stated their subsequent NT Child will 'be around' for their disabled sibling, makes me think it wouldn't be a good thing to have more. They may well not 'be around' through choice or circumstance. Such expectation, and highly unfair to expect that, even subconsciously.

Swipe left for the next trending thread