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Original poster

Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

130 replies

Dearrosie · 27/12/2020 18:15

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

OP posts:
Eryouwhat · 28/12/2020 00:26

So sorry for your loss op. Ignore the idiots on this thread.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 00:27

I dont think you should. 10 kids from one man is ridiculous tbh, he must be earning a fortune to support all them!

Another kid isn't in the best interest of the children you have now.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/12/2020 00:34

I think you should do whatever would make you happy. But just bear in mind that even if you had a healthy neurotypical child you may not be able to give them the experiences you (or they) want because of the other two. To give you an example one of my relatives has a son with aspergers and she was never able to breastfeed her younger daughter because he would melt down everytime she tried. Then as they got older she couldn’t take her to baby groups or do any activities without military planning. Things got easier as he got older as he seemed to find his stride a bit and would melt down far, far less but she still feels as if she lost out on the ideal baby / child experience because her dd didn’t get the things she wanted to give her.

user1473878824 · 28/12/2020 00:42

@DrDetriment

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with and what you've been through but please please don't even think about bringing another innocent child into this horrible situation. Firstly, what if they were also special needs? You already have 2 so it's quite possible the third will be too, in which case it's selfish to even think about it. It's equally selfish to inflict your mental health issues and those of your other 2 children on an NT child. It would blight their life. You may feel the desire for a third but take a step back. It's not about your desires but about the child. To deliberately bring a child into this nightmare would be very cruel. I'm sorry to be so blunt but get back on contraception and your medication and go and speak to your therapist again.
What a disgusting way to speak to someone. “Horrible situation” and “nightmare”? Jesus Christ.
purplejungle · 28/12/2020 00:45

@Nottherealslimshady

I dont think you should. 10 kids from one man is ridiculous tbh, he must be earning a fortune to support all them!

Another kid isn't in the best interest of the children you have now.

🙄 she didn't say he has 10 kids
ShastaBeast · 28/12/2020 00:51

I wouldn’t risk it because the chance of another child with autism is high, and it could be more severe. I’d only risk it if it was a different partner and likely inherited from the existing kids’ dad. Plus the risk is higher the older you are.

My ASD child might be able to have a normal/independent life, I am praying. I wouldn’t want to risk having another with more serious disability who will need parenting the rest of their life. I’m just not cut out for that. I can understand wanting it if it was the reverse, the chance of having a typical parenting experience etc.

The above is how I feel about my situation, not a judgement on anyone else.

Givemeabreak88 · 28/12/2020 00:56

I wouldn’t and I say that has someone who has 2 older children with asd and a younger child, my oldest child has become violent and I can’t even take her out, she attacks tries to attack people in the street and I’m finding it impossible pushing a pram and holding onto her, it’s impossible, it’s really affected my life and my other children’s lives, she was NOT like this when she was younger she has just gotten much much worse as she’s got older. I feel like it’s unfair on my other children. My mum takes her sometimes and my other children didn’t want her to come home which really upset me seeing how much it has been affecting them. Don’t do it! You never know how worse things can get.

evenBetter · 28/12/2020 00:57

Sorry for your loss, OP. Your husband has zero justification for wanting loads of kids if he’s out of the house all the time. Serious contraception is needed. How would it benefit your existing kids to have another sibling? How would it benefit the kid, most importantly, and you, the primary parent, and finances? No benefit?? Then there’s no reason to produce another person, sorry, ‘I want’ is just not a good reason in the upcoming nightmare decades.

gah2teenagers · 28/12/2020 00:59

Do not do this and bring a poor innocent child into this situation to satisfy your needs.

gypsywater · 28/12/2020 01:01

Are some posters missing the fact that OP and her partner were already pregnant with their third child, who sadly died?

Givemeabreak88 · 28/12/2020 01:03

I’m also certain this has been posted before as well as I’ve read this before on here word for word.

Staffy1 · 28/12/2020 01:13

[quote Fr0thandBubble]@staffy1 I think you mean Charlotte Moore. She wrote a brilliant book called George and Sam that I would highly recommend to any parent of a child with autism.[/quote]
Yes, that's her, thanks.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 01:20

@purplejungle she said he would have 10 kids in her first post actually Hmm

Taikoo · 28/12/2020 01:20

No, I think it would be a bad idea to have another child.

AdultHumanFemale · 28/12/2020 01:25

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have a 3 year age gap between my DC; DC1 was not diagnosed until after DC2 was born. It is tough for DC2 (NT) to grow up with a Dsib with additional needs. They love each other to bits, and DP and I obviously adore them both, but despite our best efforts, DC2 inevitably ends up having to be the patient one, the grown up beyond her years one, the forgiving one, the one who anticipates or explains her Dsib's behaviour and needs. This is despite DP and I being very keen to 'insulate' DC2 as much as possible from any difficulties arising from DC1's additional needs (which appear not to be quite as complex as your DCs needs, and there's only one of her).
Family and friends think DC2 is amazing and insist having a Dsib like DC1 is making her 'more mature' and a 'well rounded character'. It's true, of course, I just wish she hadn't had to learn to take a back seat or be so vigilant to the needs of another when quite so young. I wonder how her character might have developed if she was not immersed in the dynamics of our family and so responsive to the needs of her Dsib.

minipie · 28/12/2020 01:37

I’m really sorry for your stillbirth OP and imagine that must have left you deeply grieving.

Only you know your own capacity. Do you feel you have capacity for an extra baby, toddler, child as things are, or not?

I have two children, one with mild SN (the other NT I think though I am starting to wonder) and I know I have no extra capacity. I just don’t have any more patience, time, energy to give to a third child. If I had a third it would be at the expense of the existing two, no doubt. Some women are superwoman and can do it all - I’m not.

Yeahnahmum · 28/12/2020 05:56

Having to kids with sn is hard. Imagine having 3 with sn... that will just add to the already overflowing bucket. And more strain on your relationship

And on the other hand, imagine if you deliver a physically and mentally healthy third, it will always be in the shadow off all the care and attention the first 2 want and need.

Either way: i wouldnt. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.

InvincibleInvisibility · 28/12/2020 08:07

@AdultHumanFemale

Yes I feel the same for DS2! He is very patient with DS1 but has also learnt to stand up for himself which I support 100%. But I do wonder how things would have been if he had an easier older brother. Even his interests have been influenced - DS1 was OBSESSED with trains when little. DS2 learnt very quickly not to touch his train track (except one memorable occasion when DS1 had annoyed DS2, so quick as a flash he crawled over and nicked a piece of track and crawled off as fast as he could - he was 10 months old).

Despite us buying him his own trains and track, he didnt start really playing with the trains until he was 5, once DS1 had moved onto a new obsession.

OP I am very sorry for your loss and totally understand wanting a 3rd. I wanted a 3rd to have a "normal" baby experience. DS1 was bloody difficult. With DS2 I was very poorly and had a toddler with undiagnosed ADHD and dyspraxia to cope with.

However, I found that DS1 only got harder as he got older. Yes he finally sleeps but he is now 9 and school is so hard on him that he melts down every evening (he is a model pupil at school and has 0 support there). Dealing with that and helping my youngest learn to read etc is just so hard. I am dreading the teenage years.

Lougle · 28/12/2020 08:45

[quote Nottherealslimshady]@purplejungle she said he would have 10 kids in her first post actually Hmm[/quote]
She meant that he would be happy to have 10 kids if it made her happy, not that another child would bring his total to 10.

It's like me saying "I'd have 100 dogs!" It's hyperbole.

annevonkleve · 28/12/2020 08:54

Are there any pros for a non-disabled child? Will they be expected to care for their siblings when the parents have gone? Will they have a normal life or will they always have to come second to their siblings' needs?

I wouldn't. I can understand you are desperate for a "normal" child. But it's so unfair on them.

errorofjudgement · 28/12/2020 09:22

A friend of mine was in an almost identical situation a few years ago, she and her husband already have 2 boys both have ASD and ADD, and she miscarried a third.
She had always wanted a daughter and after a few months fell pregnant with her third child, now 2 years old.
Another boy, and displaying many of the same traits as the older 2 plus some additional physical disabilities.
Trying to cope with 3 boys all with additional needs is breaking her both emotionally and physically despite support from family, friends, NHS, health visitors, schools, nursery and work place.
I’m sorry to be so bleak, but this is her daily reality. Of course they are all loved and wanted, but the dream of the NT daughter didn’t happen for her.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 28/12/2020 09:41

Concerate on your existing children. I think it’s selfish to have more when your struggling to cope as it is.

MotherExtraordinaire · 28/12/2020 09:43

I have one child with similar needs as your child. I made the proactive decision for my child to be an only child as I was aware that there were AEN from very young and it felt unfair to try and share my efforts between 2.

I know that's a different scenario to you. But I'd be worried that you'll be spreading yourself too thin. Especially in the longterm as its likely that your children's needs will become more pronounced when hormones become involved. As well as Risking that if a 3rd child had additional needs or even more severe needs this will impact on not only the 3rd child, the other 2 but the entire family.

I wouldn't personally.

MotherExtraordinaire · 28/12/2020 09:45

Sorry meant to also add that statistically you have a far higher likelihood of the 3rd child being on the ASD spectrum as well and we never know where the child may fall on that spectrum.

Calmandmeasured1 · 28/12/2020 09:56

The more children you have, the less individual attention you have to give them. Fact. Your current children obviously need a lot of extra care. Thinking you will cope with another, when you state that you already find some days tough with the 2 children you have already, is unrealistic. It is just a romantic view of the situation and not a practical one. When you throw your own mental health issues into the mix I think it makes it even more unrealistic that you will cope.

I think you should go for counselling to come to terms with the death of your stillborn daughter and concentrate your efforts on the children you have.