Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

[Dearrosie]

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

@CharlotteRose90

I personally wouldn’t . I grew up with 2 sen brothers and that meant they always get attention and I was left out. I’m not jealous in one bit but it actually ruined my childhood as nothing would be fun it always had to be 100% planned. It also stressed my parents out that much that they divorced. Would you risk doing that to a possible child?

This is awful to read. I think this is what people mean when they have said it would be selfish.

All marriages face challenges, and something unknown can happen at any time. Having an Sen child is difficult, not helped by people accusing you of being selfish for wanting to complete your family. Having two, well my hat goes off you. Losing a child must be so difficult and I would suggest shopping around for really good counseling as they can vary in quality. I have no personal experience of losing a child, but do have an aunt that went on to have two after her own loss. She never stopped grieving her little girl, but her love for her two children is evident. If you do go on to have another, you'll always have a special corner of your heart for your little girl. Ignore the insensitive comments. Pm me any time 💜

@Peachy92

What about adopting an older child? Who could be a real friend and loving family member for you all? It would be amazing to give a child a loving home and loving siblings.

Adopted children can have massive issues. You also shouldn’t adopt for what they can bring to your family, more what you do to enhance their life.

Can you even adopt if you have children with disabilities already?

Sorry for your loss OP.
I can completely imagine having the need to have another child, especially a DD or ‘typical’ child as you say.
I’d think carefully about whether you could handle another with complex needs, would you want to try again? How would you cope? Do you have support if DH is working long hours? How will it work as your boys get older?
I’d probably stop at 2 children as it sounds like it’s hard work already, but I completely understand the desire for a third.