Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

[Dearrosie]

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

It may sound harsh, and any of us may need the NHS at any time. But it's just not right to purposely add to their workload and expense due to your vanity.

@PlainHonesty

It may sound harsh, and any of us may need the NHS at any time. But it's just not right to purposely add to their workload and expense due to your vanity.

Confused why this is an issue of strain on the NHS?

I have experienced something similar, a late stillbirth (very traumatic circumstances) and have two children one with ADHD/ASD/TS and another who may well have some neurodiversity.

I remember the all consuming need to be pregnant again (and I also have what I now realise is PTSD). It may well be unresolved grief so it would be worth getting some help to unpack this.

Regarding having a third, there is no way I could (and glad I didn't) as I now have health issues which mean that it takes all my strength to manage two.

I am not sure what the answer is but do ask yourself if you have enough resources (physical/mental/financial) for a third child with SEN... or to be able to support a younger sibling without SEN (which isn't without it's challenges).

However, it works out for some (and so glad it did for you MrsBobDylan!).

I don't know what it's like to be broody but it would be quite selfish to have another. What's the plan for when the others are older and you can't care for them- would their sibling be expected to take them on?

@PlainHonesty

It may sound harsh, and any of us may need the NHS at any time. But it's just not right to purposely add to their workload and expense due to your vanity.

What a terrible thing to say to the op...a mother of children with complex needs who sadly lost a child too...Shame on you.

You sound like a wonderful mother but (and I don't mean this unkindly) I think it would be selfish to have another. Selfish for all children involved - less time for your current children/a potential NT child who will always feel the burden of their older siblings.

I'm very sorry for your loss, it is completely understandable that you feel the way you do and only you know what is right for you and your family.

I have one with “mild” SEN and I am so glad she is an only. She was diagnosed later in life so all I had in making my number of children decision was that she was an incredibly difficult infant and toddler and that was enough to put me off another .

If you have a 3rd child I think you need to assume that child’s needs will be at least as profound or even more severe as your existing children. Can the family handle that? If yes, then go for it. If no, then I wouldn’t gamble on a 3rd child being an easier child.

I really hope you do have another OP. You deserve every happiness. I really hope it works out for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with and what you've been through but please please don't even think about bringing another innocent child into this horrible situation. Firstly, what if they were also special needs? You already have 2 so it's quite possible the third will be too, in which case it's selfish to even think about it. It's equally selfish to inflict your mental health issues and those of your other 2 children on an NT child. It would blight their life. You may feel the desire for a third but take a step back. It's not about your desires but about the child. To deliberately bring a child into this nightmare would be very cruel. I'm sorry to be so blunt but get back on contraception and your medication and go and speak to your therapist again.

Christ. What a nasty post.

I am not sure why there would be an additional strain on the NHS. Once they diagnose autism / ADHD the CAMHs can't wait to show you the door (and use the diagnosis as an excuse not to treat any other MH issues that might arise). It's not like there is lots of (any) costly support from the NHS for children with ASD / ADHD

Did PP actually mean strain on NHS from having a child with disabilities or having a child in general? I do hope it was the latter.

As a mum to three adhd/asd boys. 2 years between each. Eldest was just beginning diagnostic process when fell with number 3. So we didnt know about possibility of all 3 children having sen.

I adore my boys but would I have had the third if i knew about the asd and adhd in the other two then probably not. Number 2 didnt show issues or we didnt notice until he was 2.5 as dc1 was so hyperactive. I feel they never have enough of me. I'm tired. I feel pulled three ways. I'm constantly fighting their corner with schools or nhs or lea. I never have time to work on all three boys needs. As younger two appear to have sever dyslexia too.

You do what's right for you. Go in with your eyes open. You know theres a high probability that a third will have the same or more severe issues. This is a very personal choice for you and dh

It sounds like you know how hard it is having a child with disabilities and that would obviously increase if a new DD/DSwas disabled.

Have a look here about supporting the sibling of a disabled child and how they can be affected.

There are some great posters here that can empathise and have been through similar things.
Do you have family and friends irl that can support you with any of this, including practical support?

Do you have anywhere to turn for help after your miscarriage, family or maybe professional? Here is a link to the Miscarriage Association.

I decided against it. One of my boys has classic autism and severe learning disabilities. He requires 100% supervision. Babies also require 100% supervision. If I had another child, they, or my boy, would simply not get the care and attention they require. It would be hugely unfair to do that to my son. His brother (who is on the pathway himself) barely gets the attention he deserves. I also have anxiety and depression and it takes a lot out of me trying to maintain a healthy mind.
In this case I had to listen to my head rather than my heart and accept that a third child isn't going to happen.

You obviously already decided to go for your third child as you were pregnant with your daughter, so I wonder why you are now questioning your decision? My heart breaks for you with the stillbirth btw, I've "only" had a miscarriage and I cant even imagine your pain. I wish you all the best.

OP, every sympathy to you for the loss of your daughter.

I’ve no advice, but am shocked by some of the heartless, cruel nasty posts on this thread. The attitudes towards disabilities they show are disgraceful.

@NotaChocoholic @formerbabe my advice was a suggestion based on a case study of an older child being adopted into a family with children who had complex needs. They weren't adopted without due care. That little girl adored her new brothers and called herself their protector. Apologies if you thought my suggestion was in appropriate but i was trying to shed some positive light.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but there are lots of posters on this thread with children with additional needs.

My question is - how old were your dc when it became obvious they had additional needs? I would like dc close in age but would want to make sure I could meet their individual needs.

I can't comment on the loss of your dear baby, I'm so sorry.

I can tell you about having 3 children, though. We thought DD1 had additional needs from an early age, but were told we were being paranoid. Specifically me. I'm a nurse - they thought I was medicalising infanthood. We had DD2 when DD1 was 20 months old. She seemed like a genius compared to DD1 - so advanced! I don't mean that negatively, but DD1 didn't really 'play' with toys, and DD2 lined things up beautifully and moved trains around a track. That sort of thing. So we decided to have DD3.

I was 5 weeks pregnant with DD3 when preschool 'asked for a chat' and 13 weeks pregnant when DD1 was admitted to hospital for tests. She was seen over the course of a few months. Fragile X, chromosome screen, CT & EEG, development tests, etc. Epilepsy diagnosis and global development delay.

Finally, when DD3 was 4 weeks old, we were told that DD1 has a brain malformation, which is responsible for her delays, etc. She had full 1:1 at preschool and then moved to special school. Now, aged 15, she's on the waiting list for ASD assessment.

Meanwhile, DD2 really struggled at school. She ended up leaving 2 schools, then home educated, then attended a 3rd primary. First school thought I was fabricating and inducing illness. Age 11, just at Secondary school, DD2 was diagnosed with ASD.

Life with 3 under 3½ was very hard. DD1 didn't walk until almost 2, so I had 2 non-walkers. Her sense of danger didn't develop and she has very poor impulse control. I couldn't safely go out with the 3 children alone. I still had to, of course, but it was very unsafe at times. We had to use a Crelling harness for DD1.

Life at home was so difficult that we had help from Home Start and SS also provided support 2x3 hours each week, so that I had an extra pair of hands before DH came in from work.

Now, they are 15, 13, 11. I love them all deeply, but their needs often conflict. DD1 can be impulsive and chaotic. DD3 has to share a room with her and is very particular, neat and fussy, so not an ideal match. DD2 is extremely introverted and needs lots of quiet space.

I would, in your situation, stick with 2 children. Another baby won't replace the one you lost and might tip you into an unmanageable situation, and that's before you even start to contemplate your new baby having SN

I’m so sorry about your daughter.

I had two children before my third died neonatally. I did go on to have another baby who is healthy and well. I honestly think the yearning to have another child when you have had a baby die isn’t one that is understood by others who are lucky enough to have never been in that situation. Only you know how well you can balance your eldest two children with another pregnancy and baby.

I have 2 kids. One is behind at school and has dyslexic and working memory problems But overall she’s fine just behind. The other (youngest) has severe ASD, complex needs, behavioural problems, learning disability etc.

No way in hell would I bring another child into this world that has a higher chance of problems. I think it’s really selfish on the kids you already have. Specially when the 2 you have already have extra needs.

Let’s be honest, disabled kids can be ALOT of work. Why add more? I think it’s complexly irresponsible and bonkers.

Also I’m sorry to hear about your dd

I wouldn't if you don't want another with sen. I have three with autism, they were diagnosed after the 3rd was born. The eldest is more Aspergers, the middle one struggles more and the youngest is the most effected and has a 1:1 at school. His consultant recommended that we don't have any more. We love him to pieces though and wouldn't change him for the world.

Sorry about all these really nasty replies. Having another child wouldn't be 'selfish' or 'irresponsible', and definitely wouldn't be 'vanity' (WTF). If you think you could find the time and energy for a third child, with or without disabilities, then I see no reason why you shouldn't try for another.

Nobody knows what's around the corner. Healthy children can become disabled. Tragedies happen. I can imagine much worse situations than being the longed-for youngest of three much-loved children.

how old were your dc when it became obvious they had additional needs? I would like dc close in age but would want to make sure I could meet their individual needs.

Mine are low needs, DC1 was almost 7, DC2 was 4 but had suspected with DC2 since he was a baby. Neither has a diagnosis still, but fairly sure they are both neurodiverse and both get additional support at school. Both are low needs however which makes it less obvious.

@eeek88 we could all become unwell your right. However nobody in their sane mind is going to wish that for their child is. If you have 2 children with additional needs I don’t see how your view is being honest.

Weather you want to admit or not OPs situation is a bit more complex as her kids DO have additional needs!

Willing putting yourself and children at risk is not the same as a tragedy and you know it.