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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pros and cons of 3rd child when existing children have disabilities

130 replies

Dearrosie · 27/12/2020 18:15

Name changed.

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4 who have a host of disabilities between them. Aspergers, ASD, ADHD, epilepsy, tourette's as well as multiple allergies.

2 years ago we had a DD who was still born at 28 weeks.

Recently I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and OCD. Mostly stemming from my still birth but am dealing with some past issues too. This is being managed with trauma focussed CBT, I was also on sertraline but have come off it as we have started trying to conceive.

I am desperate for a final baby. I cant even explain the burning feeling of desire I have for it. I feel robbed of my DD and never getting the chance to have her here with us.

However, every month I keep having a wobble at the thought of another. I am desperate for a child that I've never had, a "typical" child I suppose. I know obviously there are no guarantees and I tell myself that I will love them and I will cope regardless. But some days with the boys are really just so tough and I cant imagine throwing another in to the mix.

DH would have ten children. He is a genuinely fantastic dad, always does his fair share and gives me a break when I need it. He works long hours in retail though so I am on my own with them most of the time as their full time carer.

I think of the impact another child might have on our family and wonder if I'm being selfish but I feel so incomplete. DH says the ball is in my court, he really would give me the world if it made me happy. I don't know anyone who has 3 or more children apart from my MIL. She has 3 biological children and DH who she adopted when he was a baby. She says she would have adopted ten more if she'd been younger.

I just want someone who is in an even vaguely similar situation to me to tell me what it's like.

OP posts:

cactusisblooming · 27/12/2020 19:55

I wouldn't rock the boat even further OP. You have 2 dc with complex needs and you yourself also have MH issues. My child with ASD and associated comorbidities got much worse as he got older. When under 10 he was just 'quirky' with some sensory issues, but approaching teen hood he developed very significant MH issues and I'm now not confident he will be able to live safely without supervision as an adult. I wanted one more but DH put his foot down and I'm now so glad. You have no guarantee that any subsequent children will be "something different", in fact they could be a lot more disabled than the children you have.

KimchiLaLa · 27/12/2020 19:59

No, I wouldn't - as the third child of parents with two DS's, one with confirmed autism and the other not diagnosed but who I highly suspect has it. I also think my grandfather had it.

I got plenty of attention as the accidental third child, but I didn't bond with my brother, the middle child, and I missed out on the sibling closeness I longed for. I realise this wasn't his fault, but mine, but I did find it difficult. I also felt like it was all on me because they didn't get married, get full time jobs or have kids, and my parents longed for their grandchild which they now have. That pressure on me hasn't gone.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2020 19:59

@Dearrosie

I really appreciate the replies and the honesty. It has been so hard dealing with the loss of DD, the boys of course don't really understand what happened so life just carried on as normal. We don't have a lot of family near by that can handle looking after them so we never got much chance to just sit and grieve on our own.

It's hard to talk to DH about it because he does just find the positive in everything and thinks we'll manage no matter what happens. I know we would manage but I don't want it to be at the detriment of anyone else. It's so difficult

I think, in any family, No 3 changes the dynamic hugely as the world is set up for 2+2. So cars, family tickets, holidays, days out are always trickier.

I also think there's more to life than 'managing'. Your boys may get harder, they may get easier, but you two will get more adept. So I think life will be on a more even keel. Trying to add another baby/child into the mix, whether NT or SEN will make your lives busier/harder (this is the practical side, I'm not including the emotional joy a child will bring) There are only two of you and only so many hours in a day. And with the best will in the world, the majority of work will fall to you.

I am sorry for your loss

mumof2exhausted · 27/12/2020 20:02

Honestly 3 is hard - I love my boys (2,5 and 7) but it’s a juggling act . I already feel I’m spread too thin and I hate that they don’t feel get that much alone time with me. They don’t have any additional needs. I’m not sure if the fact that you already have two with additional needs makes a 3rd one likely. Even if not, would most of your time be spent with the older ones with additional needs? My friend has two boys and it’s the one without additional needs who actually suffers the most as he’s aware of what he misses out ok (holidays abroad etc as they can’t take his younger brother on a plane - severe autism). He is such a wonderful boy but his left revolves around his younger brothers needs all the time which isn’t fair

Staffy1 · 27/12/2020 20:03

I've seen a few articles in the Daily Mail over the years by a women who has three sons. The two older boys are ASD, both very different but both with significant needs. The youngest is neurotypical and is very understanding of the older two, I'll try and find out who it is as they have been interesting articles. It's a difficult one...some neurotypical children don't cope so well with special needs siblings and there is always the chance a third child would have special needs as well. Would it make too much difference as you already have experience? I don't think you can really know what it will be like with a third child until you have one.

Fr0thandBubble · 27/12/2020 20:04

I feel so sorry for you, what a time you have had. I'm so sorry about your daughter.

My eldest has ASD and I really struggled to decide whether to have another as I knew there was a high chance statistically of that child having ASD also - and I wasn't sure that was fair on that potential child.

In the end, we saw a geneticist who told us we were looking at about a 20% chance, and we did go ahead and had a DD who is neurotypical. But I had made a decision that if she hadn't been I wouldn't have had another. If you have two with neurological disabilities, the chance of a third having a neurological disability is statistically quite high. And I don't think that it would be fair on the potential child or the existing children.

I completely get the yearning to have another though; I'm just not sure it would be the right thing to do.

CovidCakeConundrum · 27/12/2020 20:06

Sorry for your loss OP.

Easy to see that you would love another child but I'm sorry to say I think it'd be selfish in your current position. Any NT child would always be put to the side as your boys' needs would have to be prioritised.

You have no family able to have your boys so how would you do activities/days out with DC3 that were unsuitable for them? Could DC3 have friends round? Would they feel a pressure to take on the responsibility of the boys as your and dh age? Do you have the cash for another DC? They are so expensive, I would put the money you have towards therapies and treatments for current dc.

formerbabe · 27/12/2020 20:07

I wouldn't have another in your shoes...I think it would be a huge risk. I can absolutely see why you would want to though and I'm so sorry for your loss

Fr0thandBubble · 27/12/2020 20:07

@staffy1 I think you mean Charlotte Moore. She wrote a brilliant book called George and Sam that I would highly recommend to any parent of a child with autism.

Kimakima · 27/12/2020 20:08

Why on earth you you think of bringing into the world another baby with all those issues going on. Sounds like you’ve got more than enough to think about. To spread yourself even thinner for your two children seems like a bad idea.

Blacktothepink · 27/12/2020 20:11

I’m so sorry for your loss op
I can understand your feelings, but the reality is children with disabilities have a big impact on any siblings they have. I have children on the autistic spectrum and associated disabilities and wouldn’t entertain having anymore dcs.

FlenChap · 27/12/2020 20:12

This can only be to and your DH's decision I know I felt I needed to have my DD after my son with additional needs was born prematurely. We took our time to decide but she really has been a positive addition to our family. She's helped bring our son on. although leaped his abilities very quickly which was sad to see. I feel a little reassured that she'll be around to help him when we can't. Nothing is guaranteed and I stopped at two as I knew three kids wasn't right for us but you know what is right for you. X

cheesetoastiewithham · 27/12/2020 20:19

In your situation I wouldn't have a further child. Even if a 3rd would be NT, having teo older siblings with disabilities will have a big impact on them as a child and as an adult. It's a big burden to carry and for that reason I couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair.

PlainHonesty · 27/12/2020 20:24

This reply has been deleted

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nanbread · 27/12/2020 20:30

So sorry you lost your DD.

Your don't mention your age (I think). Personally I'd focus energies on trying to heal a bit more from your trauma before even thinking of TTC.

You've only recently been diagnosed with PTSD and need to get yourself a bit better before bringing another pregnancy or child into the mix.

Also it's still fairly early days with your two boys, as they get older their needs could become more complex.

I have two DC with what I'd call low needs SEN and some other medical conditions, and we decided not to have a DC 3 despite wanting one, as it felt like they needed all the time, input and energy we have available in order to give them their best chances at life.

Peachy92 · 27/12/2020 20:31

What about adopting an older child? Who could be a real friend and loving family member for you all? It would be amazing to give a child a loving home and loving siblings.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/12/2020 20:32

I think it is very natural to want another DC, but I think think that would be putting your need above the interests of your existing children and of any further DC (disabled or not).

I have seen this situation many times in a work context and when the parents are subsequently under strain and unhappy with the resources available to support them, I always wonder whether they feel any responsibility for their decisions (generally I think not).

Embracelife · 27/12/2020 20:35

Assume 3rd child will also have complex needs. Is that ok? If yes then go for it.

formerbabe · 27/12/2020 20:38

@Peachy92

What about adopting an older child? Who could be a real friend and loving family member for you all? It would be amazing to give a child a loving home and loving siblings.

Sorry but I think this is terrible advice. An older adopted child could well have complex emotional needs and although I'm not an expert, I'd highly doubt they'd be placed in a family with dc with sn and disabilities. Adopted children are not there to provide friendship...they need homes which can cater to their needs.

NotaChocoholic · 27/12/2020 20:42

What about adopting an older child? Who could be a real friend and loving family member for you all? It would be amazing to give a child a loving home and loving siblings.

is this for real? adoptive children often have huge (emotional) needs themselves. no agency would place them with a family with 2 DC with complex needs and most of all, they need support themselves. They are not there to make 'loving siblings'.

cataline · 27/12/2020 20:45

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it is very natural to want another DC, but I think think that would be putting your need above the interests of your existing children and of any further DC (disabled or not).

I'm afraid I totally agree with this though I am sorry for the your loss and do understand your need for another child.

As a professional, I've seen so many families over the years with multiple children with SEN- often after trying for their 'perfect' child and very often driving themselves and their children into awful, stressful and really unfair situations when subsequent children also then have disabilities or additional needs.

The parents often then struggle to cope and the resultant impact on services trying to support them is immense.

There are of course those families that go on to have children with no additional needs but there's always then the issue of the other siblings on their lives too.

clover83 · 27/12/2020 20:46

We had a third before we were aware of our children's difficulties. The reality of life with 3 SEN children is really really hard. With the knowledge I have now, we wouldn't have had the 3rd. We are spread too thin, our relationship is at breaking point and we struggle to adequately meet their differing needs. Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 27/12/2020 20:47

I’m was your situation op! I have a dd (8) with fairy complex needs (autism being the main one) and a Nt ds (4). I always wanted 3 children and never felt our little family was complete. I longed for a 3rd and would think about it all the time but we reluctantly decided in order to concentrate on my dds needs we would stick to 2 children. However the universe obviously had other ideas. I found out I was pregnant (despite using protection I must add) and am currently 8 months pregnant with dd2. I’m nervous about bringing another baby into our already slightly mad house but also delighted (now I’m over the shock)

InvincibleInvisibility · 27/12/2020 20:53

I wouldn't. My Ds was diagnosed ADHD and dyspraxic aged 9 (and has a couple of other health issues).

It's been tough for all of us but I am so conscious of the impact on his younger NT brother. DS1 needs so much time that DS2 gets sidelined, although we do our best to counter that.

We debated a 3rd for years but decided not to cos a) I didn't want another difficult child like DS1 (wasn't diagnosed at that point) and b) DS1 is incredibly demanding. So is a baby. I just knew that my quiet, sensitive and empathetic DS2 would always come last and that is not fair on him.

Friendnextdoor · 27/12/2020 21:27

@PlainHonesty

You don't need another child. The NHS is strained too much already. Get a dog.

I think that's a bit harsh.. any one of us could potentially 'strain the nhs' at any time in our lives. "There but for the grace of God go I"

Have a bit of bloody compassion these are people children you are talking about @PlainHonesty

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