AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

[Workyticket]

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

Why not look into popping into a registry office?
Less trouble and more secure?

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

I was all fired up to say YABU, it's just a light-hearted comment, yadee yadee yada.

But after reading the rest of your post, nah, I think he is limbering up to wimp out. Surprising that his mother, who must be in her 70s, doesn't think he should put a ring on it after all this time and a child.

How old is your son?

Hurtful attempt at being funny

Why do you want to wait until next summer? Have you looked at going to a registration office and getting married?

DS is 9

Before I was pregnant I wasn't overly fussed but I HATE not having the same name as him. We went on holiday a couple of years ago. Passport guy said 'you're dad, who are you?' and I felt so hurt.

DPs mam seems to think it's just a piece of paper whilst enjoying all the protection hers offers.

@SimonJT

Why do you want to wait until next summer? Have you looked at going to a registration office and getting married?

wedding was booked - deposits paid etc.

You could still get married at a registration office, then you could keep the summer celebration.

They all sound miserable and ungenerous.

I can't stand these sorts of "dodge a bullet" jokes. I know its meant to be "light-hearted" but I couldn't be with a man who regarded marriage to me as something to be avoided.

If you feel you need the legal/financial protection of marriage I'd try to get it organised now tbh and not worry about the ceremony.

When DS was born, we registered him in DH name (we weren't married). Two years later I took their surname by deed poll to make things simpler. Then when DS was 9 we finally got married - on a weekday, registry offive - as it was cheaper than writing wills!

BIL made a joke, but your comment of “I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot” was far worse imo.

I’d be thinking twice if the reason for getting married was the big day and pension pot.

Perhaps it’s the idea of a big wedding that’s putting him off? Have you discussed a simpler, cheaper option?

Was there any particular reason you didn’t give DS your surname 9 years ago?

Since you hate the idea of having a different name, why didn’t you give him your name? You obviously didn’t have a wedding booked then.

But otherwise YANBU, sounds like your DP isn’t interested in marrying.

I also second just getting married at a registry office. I know you have already paid deposits for a wedding but if your DH isn't that fussed for it surely it's better taking the financial hit? You've already lost that money, don't waste more.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

BIL made a joke, but your comment of “I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot” was far worse imo.

I’d be thinking twice if the reason for getting married was the big day and pension pot.

That should say 'security of pension'

I didnt actually say "massive pot" that would be really crass, sorry! I'm angry typing.

You need to have a frank talk with him when you are both calm and kids are in bed - do you still want to get married because I felt like you dismissed it and that really hurt me.

If he wants to go ahead great.

If he wants to get married but without all the fuss great - bring it forward to Feb/March and have a simple ceremony either at your venue or at a registry office. You’ll save a ton of stress and worry and a load of money, but you’ll get the financial security etc sorted. Have a party in the summer or next year to celebrate.

If he doesn’t want to actually get married then it’s going to be a tougher conversation.

You should have given your ds your surname.

@Retiremental

Perhaps it’s the idea of a big wedding that’s putting him off? Have you discussed a simpler, cheaper option?

It's basically a party on a farm. Couldn't be any more laid back. We've never had an anniversary to celebrate as we just started seeing each other so no actual date to celebrate. Birthdays are always low key etc, i would really like a proper celebration (if covid allows) and dp supposedly loved the idea aof a laid back do.

@Workyticket

DS is 9

Before I was pregnant I wasn't overly fussed but I HATE not having the same name as him. We went on holiday a couple of years ago. Passport guy said 'you're dad, who are you?' and I felt so hurt.

DPs mam seems to think it's just a piece of paper whilst enjoying all the protection hers offers.

you can just change your name if you want.

I never changed my name when I married and no-one has ever queried me taking the kids anywhere or the fact that three of the family have one name and it isn't the same as mine!

having said all that there are significant inheritance / pension advantages to being married (not a lot else really)

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

Was there any particular reason you didn’t give DS your surname 9 years ago?

Since you hate the idea of having a different name, why didn’t you give him your name? You obviously didn’t have a wedding booked then.

But otherwise YANBU, sounds like your DP isn’t interested in marrying.

I'd just crawled out of NICU after weeks of no sleep on a camp bed after a c-section. I really wasn't thinking straight and I've regretted it ever since

@Lampzade

You should have given your ds your surname.

no shit sherlock

@thepeopleversuswork

They all sound miserable and ungenerous.

I can't stand these sorts of "dodge a bullet" jokes. I know its meant to be "light-hearted" but I couldn't be with a man who regarded marriage to me as something to be avoided.

If you feel you need the legal/financial protection of marriage I'd try to get it organised now tbh and not worry about the ceremony.

Yes, but that’s not unique to the OP’s DP, it’s different, sexist socialisation of men and women. An entire society and a giant wedding industry still views marriage as the crowning achievement of a woman’s life because she’s bagged a chap and is no longer a tragic spinster etc, whereas said chap has grown up with the narrative that he’s a a free bachelor playing the field who is reluctantly coerced into marriage as part of a depressing narrative of growing up, settling down and having his kerrazzy freedoms curtailed by ‘er indoors.

But yes, agreed, run down to the register office ASAP, and forget the frills. These were the only conditions on which I agreed to marry my DP.

Why not just get your own pension pot instead if you want the security of a -massive- pot. You could also change your sons name or yours so they match.

If you both truly wanted to get married, surely you would have just done it when booked and not cancelled as marriages where allowed to take place last July. Registry offices were also conducting marriages then.

Maybe an honest open conversation is needed. Maybe he doesn’t actually want to get married and that’s fine as his choice. What you do with that info is also your choice.

This thread, honestly . On every other thread OP is castigated for not having achieved the security of marriage and told to do it ASAP to secure her and her child's financial and domestic future ! On this one though, it's an airy "well you should have just given your child your name if it mattered so much"

YANBU OP. I'd be pissed off too. Most people would.

Oh - as an aside, I earn more and have more cash in my bank that I assume he wouldn't be able to access if I died tomorrow.

We have a joint account, pay in equal amounts and have equal spends, I just spend less and save more.

We have equally decent pension pots too.

Just so it's clear I'm not after his wedge.