Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

153 replies

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 10:54

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

OP posts:
ExpulsoCorona · 27/12/2020 14:49

OP I wonder if he hasn't ingrained the date into his memory because he is assuming possible further disruptions from Covid and doesn't want to build his hopes up yet. E.g. (not the same situation at all) this Christmas we've been really disorganised and didn't preorder a turkey because I didn't quite believe that we'd be able to meet the family that we were planning to. I'm usually VERY organised with Christmas. As it was, we went into tier 4 and needed a much smaller turkey so a supermarket job was fine. He may not be letting himself believe it is happening until just before the event.

I reckon he does want to get married. Why would he have bothered getting engaged otherwise? My OH will laugh along with his families crappy jokes, I wouldn't read too much into this. My OH and BIL are in their forties but when they joke together they could easily regress and act like they are teenagers or even younger.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 27/12/2020 15:06

I think you need to have a Frank conversation and just be honest saying I don’t know why you’re acting like you’re being forced into this wedding etc. It would piss me off too and I’m totally on your side.

MargosKaftan · 27/12/2020 15:09

@pyewhacket - you've taken that out of context - my point was up until now, the DP has been equally happy to get married, the day is being planned in a way that suits his personality and the sort of wedding he would like as much as the OP, but now has started acting like this isn't something he wanted all along.

That would be annoying and hurtful. If you thought this was a joint decision, yet he's suddenly acting to family like you are forcing him into marriage.

If he doesn't want to get married, he should say so. If he does, then he needs to stop pretending to his family he's being forced into it for cheap laughs at the OPs expense.

Potnia · 27/12/2020 16:53

His age has nothing to do with his maturity, and being embarrassed and prone to peer pressure. Nor does his professional job mean he will care about dates or weddings. He settled down much later in life than average which implies a deeper issue with growing up/commitment etc. Unless he’s divorced/left the mother of other kids which has its own baggage. You knew that and chose to have a child with him.

I’d absolutely advise my kids not to have a baby until marriage, if they want to be married or become SAHPs. So many women in exactly the same position. I agree with PP that it’s partly misogynistic culture of the trapped man and overbearing woman narrative. But women do have the power not to allow this.

At least the wedding is booked, and I presume he proposed. That’s more than many others.

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 17:46

Sorry, been out for a couple of hours on a walk with a friend. Just reading through now, amazed at how many people don't read the thread but still comment!

Not had chance to talk as ds is around

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 27/12/2020 17:54

Just go and get married in a Registry Office. Ask him. Hopefully he says yes. If he says No then you have your answer, at least - He is a fool who's influenced by Mummy Dearest and his nosily crass brother. All the waiting around for the perfect day is not benefiting you. Can you not see that? Get married, have a lovely blessing and party next year. We live in difficult times now, people will understand.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 27/12/2020 18:08

He’s made you feel as if he’s not that interested in the whole thing and that’s hurtful

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 19:18

I dont want to marry in a registry office. No particular reason - the tea room we've BOOKED is nicer than the register office. I want to so what we've agreed to eithout all the shite bullet dodging stuff.

I'm no gold digger, I'm not punching above my weight and I've not forced him into it. I just don't want him fucking minimising it as if I'm either

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 20:00

@Dazedandconfused28

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time OP. And I'm sorry for what your DP's family said, that must have been very hurtful.

If getting married & having a celebration is important to you & something you are looking forward to (like I was for my wedding) their comments were very thoughtless & would have upset me too.

Many posters here seem to think that a wedding is a pointless waste of time, completely ignoring the fact they are a significant & meaningful day to many. I would find your DPs attitude very hurtful, especially if you have had this planned together.

Thank you. I did check out for a while earlier as I was sick of reading the same shite about registry offices.
OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 27/12/2020 20:13

I did check out for a while earlier as I was sick of reading the same shite about registry offices.

But you keep saying you want to be married. What actually is coming across is that you want the wedding more.

And I'm sympathising with your DP now. You're calling his attitude shit, you're calling reading about registry offices shite. Why did you post? It feels like you wanted every poster to agree with you and tell you your DP is totally unreasonable and shit. And when some of us didn't, we're shite too apparently.

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 20:23

@Feedingthebirds1

I did check out for a while earlier as I was sick of reading the same shite about registry offices.

But you keep saying you want to be married. What actually is coming across is that you want the wedding more.

And I'm sympathising with your DP now. You're calling his attitude shit, you're calling reading about registry offices shite. Why did you post? It feels like you wanted every poster to agree with you and tell you your DP is totally unreasonable and shit. And when some of us didn't, we're shite too apparently.

Because getting married at the registry office would be shite compared to the lovely tea room on a farm we've got booked and already had to postpone
OP posts:
SimonJT · 27/12/2020 20:31

So its you OP delaying the marriage, if you’re the one choosing to delay you can’t really complain if your partner is no longer as excited as you’re essentially saying “i’ll only marry you of we can do it at x location”.

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 20:32

@SimonJT

So its you OP delaying the marriage, if you’re the one choosing to delay you can’t really complain if your partner is no longer as excited as you’re essentially saying “i’ll only marry you of we can do it at x location”.
Eh? It's BOOKED for July, I'm not delaying anything 🙈

I honestly can't work out whether you're being annoying on purpose

OP posts:
SimonJT · 27/12/2020 20:34

You are delaying, it was booked for last July, you have chosen to delay your marriage by a year when you could get married much sooner in a registration office.

Our wedding may get cancelled, if my partner then valued the location more than actually getting married that would tell me a lot about his commitment to this relationship.

Lemmeout · 27/12/2020 20:35

Not funny, they are silly arse twats.

Get to the registry office, no fuss. Party later if you want to.
Let go of the ideal big romantic wedding for now, perfect time to do this and protect yourself.

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 20:41

Covid delayed our wedding. We postponed by exactly a year - deposits paid, ds is excited etc. The venue is a privately owned small business. They were very grateful that most people postponed ratger than going to the registry office.

It's not a big wedding

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 27/12/2020 20:41

Whenever lockdown is over, fill in the forms and book the registry office with 2 witnesses and get married. They usually need 28 days notice. You can then have the reception that you have booked whenever covid rules allow.

CoronaBride2020 · 27/12/2020 20:50

Oh good, the ‘just get married’ brigade are out in force. The ones who insist that if you aren’t willing to go down to the register office in your pyjamas at 10am tomorrow to sign the piece of paper then you aren’t really serious about getting married. Even when you have a lovely sounding wedding booked in 7 months’ time!

I had this a few months ago when I was stressing about my own wedding in October, which was particularly infuriating a) I was already getting married at the register office and b) the whole reason I was worried was because I thought weddings might be cancelled again (which they eventually were, and it was sheer luck that we got married just 2 weeks before that happened) but people were STILL bleating ‘just get married at the register office!’ at me!

Just ignore them, OP. YANBU to be annoyed that your husband doesn’t even seem to know or care when your wedding is!

CatsBooksAndCoffee · 27/12/2020 21:21

@Ilovenewyear

Sounds like he’s just making silly jokes. Maybe he’s trying not to get his hopes up in case COVID cancels it again? YANBU for wanting to get married but it doesn’t sound like he’s changed his mind to me.
I agree with ilovenewyear.

Your BIL made a crap ''joke' but loads of folk say bellendy things without thinking.
Regarding remembering the date of the wedding and looking at the holiday, some people ( frequently blokes as I've observed) are really fekn useless at remembering important things like very special dates so perhaps your DP is one of them. You say you've not argued over owt except this which is pretty impressive for a 12 years and counting relationship.
YANBU for wanting the wedding you planned.
Best wishes 💐

JillofTrades · 27/12/2020 21:32

Sorry op but after 12 years together and a 9yo, I think the special wedding bit seems a bit long gone and thats why his attitude seems so uninterested.

jay55 · 27/12/2020 21:37

@JillofTrades

Sorry op but after 12 years together and a 9yo, I think the special wedding bit seems a bit long gone and thats why his attitude seems so uninterested.
Then why didn't he say so when they booked? Why did he bother to propose? When it got cancelled why didn't he say, lets forget it? How come everyone on this thread can read the man's mind except his partner? Why the fuck is everyone blaming the op for her partner and his family being dicks?
CatsBooksAndCoffee · 27/12/2020 21:40

@FleetwoodRaincoat

Maybe you're over-thinking it OP. DH and I got married when our DS was 8. I was the one who wanted to do it, for many of the same reasons as you.

He would laugh along with all the jokes etc, very often forgets our anniversary BUT on the day he was very emotional, and still cites it as a "fantastic day". He'd still laugh along with "ball and chain" jokes etc but it's only for effect. He's totally committed to it and has admitted more than once that he loves being married.

Sometimes men are a bit immature, and a bit scared of admitting that they are happy to commit themselves.

I think you should speak to him in a non-confrontational way, and ask him if he really does want to do this as planned. I'm sure he will, but just doesn't place the same importance on the dates etc as you do.

This ☝️
MargosKaftan · 27/12/2020 21:43

Theres nothing in what the OP has said to suggest her DP would be keener on a registary office wedding with just 2 witnesses than the small family wedding they had planned that got cancelled then rebooked due to covid.

I dont understand those who are convinced the wedding plans are the problem, and that her DP would suddenly skip along for a smaller wedding. The objection seems to be to being married, not the style of wedding.

And the objection appears to be a new thing.

Railroading her DP into a quicker small wedding to get it done before he can back out completely seems odd advice!

If the problem is "she's making me get married", why are so many people on her suggesting she makes him get married quicker?!

Op - serious chats needed. If hes changed his mind about marriage, he should say and cancel the plans. If he hasn't, then he should stop insulting you by pretending something that is equally his idea is somehow something you are making him do when he's talking to other people.

1Morewineplease · 27/12/2020 21:47

Why are you concerned about pension pots? Are you that grabby?
If marrying into money means so much to you why don't you just get married in a register office?

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 22:10

@1Morewineplease

Why are you concerned about pension pots? Are you that grabby? If marrying into money means so much to you why don't you just get married in a register office?
I've tolerated all the people who've not read rhe thread and been as polite as possible but honestly, get to fuck with this shit.
OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread