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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

153 replies

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 10:54

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 11:27

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Why not just get your own pension pot instead if you want the security of a -massive- pot. You could also change your sons name or yours so they match.

If you both truly wanted to get married, surely you would have just done it when booked and not cancelled as marriages where allowed to take place last July. Registry offices were also conducting marriages then.

Maybe an honest open conversation is needed. Maybe he doesn’t actually want to get married and that’s fine as his choice. What you do with that info is also your choice.

Not in my area. Weddings were cancelled, registrar cancelled and the farm cafe we were meant to have the ceremony in closed 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

cherrypie790 · 27/12/2020 11:38

It's a really hurtful thing to make light of, IMO.

Some things you joke about. But not marriage.

I'd cancel it in all honesty.

user1471538283 · 27/12/2020 11:38

I would be so upset by this! You can get married quickly and cheaply at a registry office and have a little party in the summer. Or does he now want to not get married? Honestly at his age since when is "dodging a bullet" even funny? He should be happy that you want to marry his middle-aged no longer Brad Pitt arse!

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 11:39

OP,
Really disrespectful of you.

I'm glad you are financially set up.

Honestly, I would take a big step back.

He is making you feel bad and like he is some great prize.

If I were you I wouldn't say another word.

Tell him he's right, you have changed YOUR mind and look to moving out of the home and instigate the selling of your home.

He wants to belittle you.
Stand your ground.
He thinks he is the one who controls everything and is the decision make.
Take that control away from him decisively.

He certainly doesn't sound like any great prize.

You sound great.

TheSmallAssassin · 27/12/2020 11:47

I think the "dodged a bullet" comment is horrible, it's implying it would be an awful thing to be married to the woman he shares his life with and who has borne his child. So insulting!

viques · 27/12/2020 11:47

I would like a proper celebration and DP supposedly liked the idea of a laid back do

So keep the booking you have, use it as a postCOVID/ wedding/ commitment / summertime party for friends and family but do a very low key register office wedding whenever you like beforehand. That way the pressure will be off both of you and you will be both feel free to enjoy the party without all the emotive it’s a wedding! fuss.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 11:50

@user1471538283

Haha! This made me giggle. He's no Brad Pitt and his family usually say he's lucky I put up with him but - he's canny, we're on the same wave length and we've literally not argued about anything but this.

He's beyond laid back - nothing is a big deal and he likes to just tick over rather than make changes. His mam often says he needs a bomb up his arse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 11:56

@viques

I would like a proper celebration and DP supposedly liked the idea of a laid back do

After 12 years though - what's the point in doing it twice in 7 months?

And without sounding like a 42 year old princess why can't we have a wedding? He's 51, not 18. He has a professional job and makes presentations etc. Why can't he repeat some words and enjoy a party with me?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 11:57

It's basically a party on a farm. Couldn't be any more laid back. We've never had an anniversary to celebrate as we just started seeing each other so no actual date to celebrate. Birthdays are always low key etc, i would really like a proper celebration (if covid allows) and dp supposedly loved the idea aof a laid back do.

So this is what it boils down to?

You won't scrap the plans and just book a registry office because you want a party?

I wonder if that's what's making him take getting married less seriously?

livefornaps · 27/12/2020 12:03

If your darling brother in law continues to make that kind of comment, just say "I'm sorry that your stumpy excuse for a cock was never enough for any woman to want to commit to jumping on that for the rest of her days."

madroid · 27/12/2020 12:05

But you can still have the party.

Just do the legal bit now, fast.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 12:06

@WorraLiberty

So this is what it boils down to?

You won't scrap the plans and just book a registry office because you want a party?

I wonder if that's what's making him take getting married less seriously?

We booked it together, I didn't force him. He's not shy or scared of people.

OP posts:

madroid · 27/12/2020 12:06

@livefornaps classy

Lollyneenah · 27/12/2020 12:07

The thing is, if this is all just a big funny haha joke- then you're the punchline arent you?
Theres no two ways about that.
I'd double barrel ds's name and let him sweat.
While you're chasing the wedding he is always going to have the upper hand

Ifonlyus · 27/12/2020 12:09

I thought you could have a civil partnership to give you the legal protections of marriage without being married. And you can change dss name by deed poll at any time.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 12:10

@Ifonlyus

I thought you could have a civil partnership to give you the legal protections of marriage without being married. And you can change dss name by deed poll at any time.

I don't want to - i want to get married, like we agreed and booked. I want dp to be a fucking grown up about it

OP posts:

BorderlineHappy · 27/12/2020 12:13

Why are you changing your D's name back to yours.
If you're getting married.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 12:14

We booked it together, I didn't force him. He's not shy or scared of people.

I think you've completely missed my point.

The point is, we're now in the middle of a pandemic and God knows when we'll be out the other end of it so to speak.

Therefore, if marriage is as important to you as you say, the party should be second on your mind - something you can do at a later date.

I'm not sure I'd take my DH very seriously if he told me how much marriage meant to him on the one hand, and on the other hand he wouldn't just do it now.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 12:14

@livefornaps

Haha, guess who's divorced 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 27/12/2020 12:16

YANBU OP. This thread is getting weird responses. I think some posters are letting out pent up irritation after Christmas.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 27/12/2020 12:22

Another one saying this thread is getting strange responses.

It is okay to want a party! It is okay to want to stand up in front of your friends and family and commit to your partner and he should be totally on board with this. Inferring or going along with the 'joke' that you are forcing him into it is deeply unattractive.

I would back right off and make him have a good think about whether he actually wants to get married and if he does he needs to show this to you and correct anyone that makes jokes about it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/12/2020 12:23

Ok @Workyticket , you're marrying into farming stock, which is a whole different ball game, IME. I'll qualify this by saying I am from farming stock, and we can all be funny buggers . I'm sorry you've had your wedding postponed, this must be beyond shit. As an interim suggestion, you could, if you wanted, change your name by deed poll to your married name. I believe you can get a form from the internet, but I did it via a solicitor, back in the day.

kursaalflyer · 27/12/2020 12:23

Not sure of any practical reasons why you want to marry apart from inheritance tax purposes. If it's just for the name just change it anyway. Try not to be defensive with the ils, you will just sound immature.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 12:26

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Ok *@Workyticket* , you're marrying into farming stock, which is a whole different ball game, IME. I'll qualify this by saying I am from farming stock, and we can all be funny buggers

. I'm sorry you've had your wedding postponed, this must be beyond shit. As an interim suggestion, you could, if you wanted, change your name by deed poll to your married name. I believe you can get a form from the internet, but I did it via a solicitor, back in the day.

I'm not. The wedding is just on a farm. Literally a farm with a cafe and a bit of outside space.

I dont want to just change my name. I want dp to follow through with the booking we made for 7 months time (probs will get cancelled again and if it does we will just go to a registry office but I don't want to so will only do it if covid sends it tits up again.

OP posts:

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 27/12/2020 12:27

I don’t know about this one.

Sounds to me like he’s laughed at a crap joke made by BIL and offered a practical solution for the short term (considering the likelihood of COVID issues) if you were expressing concern over pensions. He’s forgotten a rearranged date, but then it sounds like you’re low key about that kind of stuff (birthdays, anniversary’s etc).

I kind of think you’re being sensitive, perhaps because you clearly feel (I think based on your updates) that you should have got married before you had a child together.

My DH wanted to get married and did have input into our day, but he just wasn’t as bothered about some of the details as I was. Did t mean he didn’t care about being married though. But I’d be personally thinking why bother with a big wedding after so long, children together etc... and better things to spend my ££ on. Maybe that’s where he’s at now and is thinking “I’d rather just pop to the registry office” ?

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