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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

153 replies

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 10:54

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/12/2020 13:45

OP you have a very definite idea of what you want, and you're not prepared to accept DP doing anything less that what you want it to be.

You want the marriage for the emotional and financial security, but you could achieve that at the Registry Office. You want a party, you could have that after Covid. But you are insisting that they have to go together and describing DP's attitude as shit because he isn't bothered about the same. To say it's your way or the highway is, if not shit, certainly leaving no room for compromise.

Have you actually talked to him about what he wants? Have you been prepared to meet him halfway, or has it been 'I want to do it this way so you have to'.

Name each other as beneficiaries of your pensions, do mirror wills leaving everything to each other and change DC's name by deed poll. There really isn't a busting lot of difference between that and being married, except for what would happen if you split. I'm not saying you have to do it that way, but pointing out that there are other possibilities.

His personality is different to yours. You want to DO something, he's happy to let it just happen. Neither of you are right or wrong, but you have to agree a middle ground.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/12/2020 13:45

You said in your posts, OP, that one of the problems was not having the same name as DP. I suggested a solution, whilst acknowledging the other part of your OP. If you don't want to do this, that's fine. You're welcome.

MargosKaftan · 27/12/2020 13:46

It sounds like while he agreed to the wedding, you've planned a day around what you both want, he said he wants to marry you, has suddenly started acting like he's doing you a massive favour by marrying you. This is something you need to make him do and should be grateful for, not something he equally wants and benefits from. (Particularly given you have similar pensions and earnings)

So I would take the view unless he starts acting like he wants to be married, you aren't doing it. Agree with the changing ds's surname to double barrelled. With wider family, id give a big smile and say "oh I prefer my surname actually. Works much better with ds's first name."

Make jokes back about being "able to walk away from the "older man" when he gets on in years" next time they make marriage jokes at your expense.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:47

The wedding is BOOKED. He was there when we booked it, he booked the registrar.

I'm not moaning about wanting a wedding, I'm moaning about his attitude to the wedding we booked!

OP posts:

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 27/12/2020 13:48

The brother's joke isn't that important. Crass. Silly but has no impact on you. MIL's comment is more interesting to me - why wouldn't she recommend marriage? I'd wonder if she was trying to subtly warn me about something to do with her DS.
And as for your 'D'P - do you think he had forgotten the day of the wedding or mentioned the holiday deliberately to wind you up? Either way, I'd be saying he bucks up regarding the wedding or there won't be a relationship. This is important to you. It protects you legally. And he's already agreed to it. Tell him he has one chance to say he's changed his mind on getting married and then you'll decide what your next steps are. He feels he can niggle you on this because there are no consequences. It's a shitty attitude.

Pyewhacket · 27/12/2020 13:50

@TallTowerFan

Or you could just tell him that you've decided he's not marriage material and wait for him to panic.

Fwiw op , I can see why he's offending you. If I'd had to postpone my wedding due to covid I'd not be happy with those comments either.

Why would a 52 year old man in a professional , presumably well paid job , panic ?. He doesn’t seem that arsed about it in the first place to be frank.

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:50

Exactly this - thank you!

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 27/12/2020 13:52

But what is his attitude - except, more relaxed than yours?

So he didn’t have the date foremost in his mind. So what?

Do you want him to have one of those twee as fuck wedding countdown clocks and say to you, “100 more sleeps until we say I do”?

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:54

MIL's comment is more interesting to me - why wouldn't she recommend marriage? I'd wonder if she was trying to subtly warn me about something to do with her DS

There's honestly no drama. It's just her attitude - no point in voting / striking despite benefitting from the rights won by those who have etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:56

@Cocomarine

But what is his attitude - except, more relaxed than yours?

So he didn’t have the date foremost in his mind. So what?

Do you want him to have one of those twee as fuck wedding countdown clocks and say to you, “100 more sleeps until we say I do”?

haha, you really think someone booked to get married on a farm in a cafe would? Think youve missed several points. Thanks though 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/12/2020 14:01

@Workyticket

The wedding is BOOKED. He was there when we booked it, he booked the registrar.

I'm not moaning about wanting a wedding, I'm moaning about his attitude to the wedding we booked!

If that's aimed at my post, I know it's booked. It could be unbooked.

The point of my post is that you are not going to be happy until he is every bit as excited about it as you are, and with the date burnt into his brain. That's not who he is. He's not saying he won't marry you, he's just not putting the same emphasis on it as you.

I suspect you would have liked him to answer his DB's comment with how awful it was and is that it's being impacted by Covid because he can't wait until you're his wife. He may have confided in his mum that he's happy as you are and is getting married because you want to. Again, not saying that he's actively against it, but that he'd be fine continuing as you are. So his attitude is different. It doesn't mean it's shit, or more importantly that he doesn't love you, doesn't see a future with you. It's just different to yours.

LizB62A · 27/12/2020 14:06

If you really want to be married, just do it in a register office with two witnesses.
If you actually really want to have the big wedding celebration, wait until you can but don't then say that you're annoyed that you're not married. You can solve that pretty easily and cheaply at a register office

Bookworming · 27/12/2020 14:14

To get a massive pension pot is not a reason to marry, get your own massive pension pot?

Original poster

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 14:16

@Bookworming

To get a massive pension pot is not a reason to marry, get your own massive pension pot?

Rtft

OP posts:

FleetwoodRaincoat · 27/12/2020 14:17

Maybe you're over-thinking it OP. DH and I got married when our DS was 8. I was the one who wanted to do it, for many of the same reasons as you.

He would laugh along with all the jokes etc, very often forgets our anniversary BUT on the day he was very emotional, and still cites it as a "fantastic day". He'd still laugh along with "ball and chain" jokes etc but it's only for effect. He's totally committed to it and has admitted more than once that he loves being married.

Sometimes men are a bit immature, and a bit scared of admitting that they are happy to commit themselves.

I think you should speak to him in a non-confrontational way, and ask him if he really does want to do this as planned. I'm sure he will, but just doesn't place the same importance on the dates etc as you do.

BubblyBarbara · 27/12/2020 14:19

YABU you could have just taken his name without getting married if you wanted a cohesive family

PerhapsOverlyWorried · 27/12/2020 14:19

Can see his and his families points, you’ve been together 12 years and not married. Why the sudden need now? You’re not likely to be having kids etc what with him being 51 so the name thing is completely irrelevant

SimonJT · 27/12/2020 14:23

@PerhapsOverlyWorried

They already have a child together, OP regrets that they chose to give their child their fathers name.

Cyberworrier · 27/12/2020 14:26

Goodness, a lot of people not reading the thread OP. Have you decided what you’re going to do/say to your partner? Any response from him?
I hope you get to have a proper conversation about it with him. Does seem like such a change from helping book it, to forgetting it and not seeming bothered. I completely understand why you want to get married and find it odd you are having a lot of people questioning that. Weird!

Cocomarine · 27/12/2020 14:28

@Workyticket no, I’ve not missed any points. So... it’s OK for him to be someone who doesn’t want a twee countdown clock. But it’s not OK for him to be someone who can forget the date. So where in between do you need him to be? And why’s it such a problem if he isn’t there? He laughed at a lame joke, he nodded along with his mother... and he just forgot a date. He asked you, he was involved in booking it, it’s still on. I agree with him that you’re being ridiculous.

Confusedandshaken · 27/12/2020 14:29

@Pyewhacket

Perhaps he doesn’t want to get married ?.

I couldn't agree with this more. People do what they want to do. He has lived to 51 without getting married. He's had a child without getting married. He clearly doesn't place the same level of importance on it as the OP does.

Dazedandconfused28 · 27/12/2020 14:32

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time OP. And I'm sorry for what your DP's family said, that must have been very hurtful.

If getting married & having a celebration is important to you & something you are looking forward to (like I was for my wedding) their comments were very thoughtless & would have upset me too.

Many posters here seem to think that a wedding is a pointless waste of time, completely ignoring the fact they are a significant & meaningful day to many. I would find your DPs attitude very hurtful, especially if you have had this planned together.

Pyewhacket · 27/12/2020 14:34

This is something you need to make him do and should be grateful for

Not sure bullying somebody into marriage actually works, not for very long anyway.

unlikelytobe · 27/12/2020 14:38

Well, 'laid back' can also slip into complacent, non-committal, flakey....only you know. Also, people can be on the ball in their paid work but crap at a lot of other life stuff. He may have been involved with some of the arrangements but it doesn't seem to motivate him very much! Doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married to you just he's kinda OK drifting along and his mind has turned to holiday plans. It has been a funny year, OP!

MadameButterface · 27/12/2020 14:40

“ Or you could just tell him that you've decided he's not marriage material and wait for him to panic.”

I’d do this, and i’d move my inheritance out of the joint account into a savings account in my own name.

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