AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

[Workyticket]

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

YANBU OP. About any of it to my eyes - your DP is being disrespectful towards you in front of his family. I also dont think there is anything wrong with wanting a nice Occasion to mark your marriage. That said, the wedding may get rearranged again, so I'd consider double barreling your DS's name in the meantime

@kursaalflyer

Not sure of any practical reasons why you want to marry apart from inheritance tax purposes. If it's just for the name just change it anyway. Try not to be defensive with the ils, you will just sound immature.

immature? I'm 42. They're married.

Listen OP if he cheated and fucked off you’d be slaughtered in here for NOT marrying. YANBU.

Well the pension pot swipe was extrremely immature!

We've not got a big wedding planned. We're old - barelyany family left on either side.

It's the few oldies left and some mates. Decent food, a short 'I do' and a party.

Probably the last family party most of them will be at. Most family members are dead, divorced or married already

Who owns the house? That might make a difference.

But I do get where you're coming from. Marriage isn't just a legal fix. It's a celebration and a statement of intent.

Sounds like he’s just making silly jokes. Maybe he’s trying not to get his hopes up in case COVID cancels it again?
YANBU for wanting to get married but it doesn’t sound like he’s changed his mind to me.

@kursaalflyer

Well the pension pot swipe was extrremely immature!

probably was. But she was spouting incorrect legal shit despite having had rhe security of marriage for 50 plus years.

At least I didnt just quietly seeth and then come and moan about it here.

Dp has benefitted from an inheritance I received as I perceive us to be an official couple and put it in the joint account. We're not though are we? I could have kept it all because we're not official.

He's benefitting then laughing at a 'dodged a bullet' comment - bit shit at his age!

I recommend marrying in a register office as soon as possible. Remember there’s a pandemic on. Don’t risk losing the protection marriage gives you and DS. Then you can plan a celebration at your leisure.

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I recommend marrying in a register office as soon as possible. Remember there’s a pandemic on. Don’t risk losing the protection marriage gives you and DS. Then you can plan a celebration at your leisure.

I'm worth more than him ££

The house is in both names

The wedding is booked for 7 months time

I’m not sure what the problem is if wedding booked?

Perhaps he doesn’t want to get married ?.

@Lookslikerainted

I’m not sure what the problem is if wedding booked?

His shit attitude

I chose to give my child her dad’s name, I didn’t want to change mine. We’re divorced now but we’ve always had different names. I couldn’t care less at the airport when they say, “and who is this?” to her, and she says, “it’s my mum!” (she loves the attention!) and I hand over the letter my XH and I both carry in our passports.

No border official asking a question is ever going to make me feel less of a mother 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t marry him. You don’t need financial protection in your case, and I wouldn’t marry someone who wasn’t rushing to marry me. I’d call the whole thing off, and jointly insure each others lives, if you haven’t already. Don’t lower yourself to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you - unless there is a practical protection in it for you. And get your inheritance put into a single account. Double barrel your son’s name - or take your son’s name yourself. The name thing isn’t a final bit of leverage to force a marriage that you’ll be giving up. Who wants to force a marriage anyway? But it’s clearly not working as leverage anyway.

He’s a fucking arsehole. If he just didn’t want to get married, I’d be saying - that’s his choice. But to have it booked... arsehole.

@Pyewhacket

Perhaps he doesn’t want to get married ?.

He booked it with me. He arranged the registrar

If he is reluctant at all there's always a reason.

Ask yourself what it could be. Really.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

If he is reluctant at all there's always a reason.

Ask yourself what it could be. Really.

He's not a 'doer'

He's a plod along as we are type.

His shit attitude

But why? There will be a reason he's displaying the shit attitude.

Did he ask you freely to marry him or was he at all badgered/pressured into it?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

His shit attitude

But why? There will be a reason he's displaying the shit attitude.

Did he ask you freely to marry him or was he at all badgered/pressured into it?

He knew it was important, knew I regret ds' surname but he proposed. It was a surprise

Does he "plod along" with other things in his life? Job? Hobbies/interests?

He clearly does not value getting married as much as you do.

I was on your side till you made marriage about pension pots, then I wondered if maybe he had dodged a bullet.

I retract my “fucking arsehole” comment. It’s actually clear in your OP that he hasn’t dragged his heals in rebooking... honestly, I assumed he had.
So what he’s actually done is humoured a dull unfunny really obvious joke, and then not had the new date foremost in his mind?
I forgot my own wedding day in the run up, too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re more invested in it than him - but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to do it. One of the drivers for you is the same-name-as-child thing. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t have that driver.

@TeenPlusTwenties

Why not look into popping into a registry office? Less trouble and more secure?

I agree with this. Have a church blessing later.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Does he "plod along" with other things in his life? Job? Hobbies/interests?

He clearly does not value getting married as much as you do.

completely

Decent job though which he does really well. I work in the same massive organisation, he's well respected but known as laid back

Just go to the registrar. You can have a big party later on when restrictions are lifted (when).