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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DPs attitude to our wedding?

153 replies

Workyticket · 27/12/2020 10:54

our wedding was meant to be last July - postponed for obvious reasons.

A few comments have been made over the last few days which have really upset me:

We were on a zoom call with DPs brother and his family. Brother asks whether we think the wedding will go ahead next summer. I say 'hope so but not looking likely' brother says 'looks like you've dodged a bullet mate' and dp laughingly agreed

MIL mentioned marriage (she's been married 51 years) and said she'd not bother. I said that was easy to say as she already has the senior her husbands massive pension pot etc and has had the same name as all of her kids etc

Dp said something about all we need to do is name each other on our pension pot and it'll be the same

Yesterday dp was looking at holidays for 14th July next year. Wedding is booked for 17th July. I said 'nice price, shame we can't go then' and he had no fucking clue why.

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous.

AIBU to think that at 51 (him) and after 12 years together he should be able to just fucking understand the legal and emotional reasons for getting married.

I've looked into just sorting paperwork via a solicitor changing ds' name to mine (ds would quite like to double barrel and wish we had done this) but it doesn't match the legal benefits of marriage.

I KNOW we should have married before ds, I can't change anything now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:02

@Tal45

I was on your side till you made marriage about pension pots, then I wondered if maybe he had dodged a bullet.
we have equal pots. Same job. Decent pensions.
OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 27/12/2020 13:04

A lot of men just go along with it to maintain the relationship as they are pressured to get married but if they were honest, they really don’t want any of it.

ClaireP20 · 27/12/2020 13:05

@Workyticket

We've not got a big wedding planned. We're old - barelyany family left on either side.

It's the few oldies left and some mates. Decent food, a short 'I do' and a party.

Probably the last family party most of them will be at. Most family members are dead, divorced or married already

I think it will be lovely. I also think he was just having a joke with his friends. As long as he is kind and loving to your child (not his own child either), I think him being a bit jokey about the wedding is forgivable. Men are just like that tbh. My hubby is also in his 50s...they don't grow up OP! He clearly loves you. X
CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2020 13:05

Not really seeing what the great drama is here. Your brother sounds immature and gave a stereotypical daft comment (the dodge the bullet thing). It was a joke and I reckon my DH would have laughed too, and said "yeah" but wouldn't have meant it. It's just one of those silly things that men say to each other for something to say when they don't know how to approach discussions around topics they don't have any real interest in (wedding planning!). I think you're reading FAR too much into it all and has no bearing on whether he wants to get married or not. Same with his mum and her marriage comments. My mum is the same saying "it's just a piece of paper to me", while benefitting financially from her 50 year marriage to my dad. Her argument is that she loves him either way and a piece of paper won't make any different to that. She doesn't think beyond that and I don't think is aware of the legal implications.

You said yourself that you said to them all that the wedding may not happen. It sounds like your OH took that to mean it might not happen the way you want it or when you want it but is thinking that the holiday plan might then work if that does turn out to be the case. Maybe he is saying that there is no reason why you can't have a holiday AROUND that time as well as the wedding and sees your reaction as a "we can't possibly do both" type of thing.

We don't really know as you don't really say what happened immediately after those things happened. I would always address them immediately with my DH eg "what do you mean, I'm a right catch, me, it's ME who's dodged a bullet for now" and poke him in the ribs laughing. Then he would have laughed and said "i know I'm just winding you up, let's hope it will happen" etc etc.

The holiday thing, I would have said "Well, that's when the wedding is supposed to happen so we can't have that date." And he either would have clarified by saying "well, we'll just go the week after then instead", OR said "well, actually why don't we just cancel the wedding if there's so much uncertainty and do it another time in a way we can be more certain of, and just book his holiday instead as it's such a bargain on that particular date".

You haven't really said how you responded to each thing which caused you worry and upset. It appears that you have just gone away and fretted over it rather than communicating properly with him about how you took his comments.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 13:05

That joke was very hurtful and insulting. And he was looking at holidays that clash with your wedding date?!

Are you sure you want to be married to this man?

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:07

DS is his child too! Together 12 years, ds is 9!

OP posts:
ZippedyDooDa · 27/12/2020 13:10

I'd be pissed off too, OP. He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. However, as someone myself who has never had much time for marriage per se (I would much rather have had a civil partnership for the legal aspects, but that option was not available then) I suppose I have to be a bit sympathetic with your DP's position. He just doesn't seem to see marriage as important as you do. I would be hurt if I were you, but then some people just don't place all that emotional value on marriage - my position has always been, it's just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean they love you any more or will stay with you; it's the committment of a life together that is important (no guarantees there either of course).

I hope you can both find a path that suits you both.

WRT your DC name, some female friends in that position (married, but kept their own surname) have added their surname as an extra middle name for DC, which helps join the family and works well at airports.

Lampzade · 27/12/2020 13:13

I am not sure if he actually wants to get married to you

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:14

The BIL comment I ignored bar slightly raising my eyebrows at DP

MIL comment I addressed with her. Dp comment about us naming each other on our pensions being = to marrying i said 'that's bullshit and you know it, we looked at the legalities'

The holiday thing I said 'we can't go that date' waited for it to click qnd when it obviously wasn't going to i said we've already got something else booked. Still took him a while

It was later in the evening that I said 'you know, 3 things have upset me in the last day or so' and he said I was being ridiculous and went to bed.

OP posts:
Beautifulbonnie · 27/12/2020 13:16

I haven’t RTFT

But if your partner has paternal responsibility you’d need his say so too to change your sons name?

I changed my surname by deedpoll. It was super easy. I had its change to mrs bonnie etc.

We then changed our pensions etc. Other than that. There’s no real legal extras on getting married. Is there?

Eckhart · 27/12/2020 13:16

Last night I calmly said I was upset by his attitude in these 3 cases. He said I was being ridiculous

This looks like a smaller example of the larger issue. Does he regularly dismiss your feelings? Invalidation causes enormous problems in relationships and the invalidator often has no idea they're doing it.

Potnia · 27/12/2020 13:20

Maybe he’s just embarrassed and prone to peer pressure. DH is the opposite and really wanted to get married and have kids. He still, to agree with a male friend, claimed DC2 was an accident. It was planned, albeit very quick, and he wanted two kids. He knows this but he’s a bit of a pushover except with me and kids.

Take your inheritance back and see if that changes his perspective. You’d be better off in a split not being married.

TallTowerFan · 27/12/2020 13:24

In your situation I'd probably insist that your child has a name change , hythenate his name and keep your own name.

The name seems to be the main issue here.

CuteBear · 27/12/2020 13:24

I agree with PP, just get married in a registry office to make it official. If the plans for the farm reception go ahead, then you can have the party there later. How old are you and have either of you been married before? Maybe he’s changed his mind about having a party and big ceremony?

Crystal90567 · 27/12/2020 13:24

Expect a lot of jokes around marriage. Its par for the course and usual lightening the awkwardness English humour. They were hardly likely to hand wring along with you.
Get married and take it all in good grace.

Beautifulbonnie · 27/12/2020 13:26

So he forgot his own upcoming wedding?!?!?!

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:26

@Potnia

Maybe he’s just embarrassed and prone to peer pressure. DH is the opposite and really wanted to get married and have kids. He still, to agree with a male friend, claimed DC2 was an accident. It was planned, albeit very quick, and he wanted two kids. He knows this but he’s a bit of a pushover except with me and kids.

Take your inheritance back and see if that changes his perspective. You’d be better off in a split not being married.

He's 52!

I feel like He's forcing me into feeling embarrassed for wanting to do something completely normal that most couples do happily and in celebration

He's not arsed about money. We spent most on an extension, the rest has sat untouched for 4 years in the joint account.

OP posts:
Siw2020 · 27/12/2020 13:26

Marry if you want to.. but there are a lot of us who despite marrying choose to keep our name and identity with no problems. (Misses point of thread..)

Eckhart · 27/12/2020 13:26

Get married and take it all in good grace

Do you mean that OP should join in with him and just ignore her own emotional response to him, because it isn't important?

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:27

@Beautifulbonnie

So he forgot his own upcoming wedding?!?!?!
yup. Booked for the same weekend as last year too so no big change
OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 27/12/2020 13:28

he is not good at remembering dates? lots of people are not. I really don't see the issue.

Me and other half had agreed a place to go and take photos of my engagement ring and then post announcement on FB. We had lunch, went to get the ring at a nearby shop then went to the place. We wandered around and then he said right whats next, he had forgot! But we laughed and went and took the pictures and did the post and it was fine. I am the one with the good memory for dates and things, he assumes I will tell him these things. Which I do.

Original poster
Workyticket · 27/12/2020 13:29

@burnoutbabe

he is not good at remembering dates? lots of people are not. I really don't see the issue.

Me and other half had agreed a place to go and take photos of my engagement ring and then post announcement on FB. We had lunch, went to get the ring at a nearby shop then went to the place. We wandered around and then he said right whats next, he had forgot! But we laughed and went and took the pictures and did the post and it was fine. I am the one with the good memory for dates and things, he assumes I will tell him these things. Which I do.

nope. Professional job with lots of meetings, planning etc

Remembers when every footy match is on telly 😜

OP posts:
Lindtballsrock · 27/12/2020 13:32

It sounds like he’s not as excited about the wedding as you are. That could be because of the pandemic, because he’s just not into big parties, because he’s gone off the idea of being legally tied in....none of us on here can possibly guess the reason. Just talk to each other and hopefully it will turn out ok.

TallTowerFan · 27/12/2020 13:32

Or you could just tell him that you've decided he's not marriage material and wait for him to panic.

Fwiw op , I can see why he's offending you. If I'd had to postpone my wedding due to covid I'd not be happy with those comments either.

SimonJT · 27/12/2020 13:34

@Beautifulbonnie

So he forgot his own upcoming wedding?!?!?!
To be fair, I have to keep double checking the date of ours, which is also on our anniversary, if it wasn’t for him I would have no idea that date is our anniversary. I very much want to get married and I’m excited about it, but I’m crap at remembering dates.