Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

SIL made me cry on Christmas Day

161 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 00:26

I will NC after this as it is very outing.

We always have Christmas dinner in PIL but this year we decided to spend a few days staying in MIL’s. It is the first Christmas since FIL passed away this year so we didn’t want MIL to be alone.
I have two very young DC so this was quite an effort. I also bought all of the Christmas dinner - also effor as one DC is severely disabled. In short it was not fun for me in the week running up to Christmas.

SIL is single so also comes over for Christmas dinner. She is very difficult character at the best of times and talks, talks, talks.

Ok Christmas Eve SIL came over to prep veg. I did offer to do it the next morning and there was only 5 of us for dinner. We had a group discussion about dinner the next day and I said I would be leaving to visit my family at 12.30 but would be back by 3.30 for dinner.

On Christmas Day I got back to MIL at 3ish and saw SIL in the kitchen. I offered to help when she started shouting at me. Said that I shouldn’t have left MIL alone, I should have stayed to cook the Christmas dinner, my help was not needed now but at 1pm.

I walked out of the room as I was so shocked.

My MIL is lovely and has 14 children - why is it up to me to spend Christmas with her & not one of her own children? I had said to DH and DSS that they should stay with MIL while I visited my family. They both said MIL wanted time to herself.

OP posts:

StephenBelafonte · 27/12/2020 11:13

YABU to cook dinner for a woman who has 14 children. One of her 14 children should be cooking for her.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/12/2020 11:37

I'm guessing DH and DSS only went along with you so they could get out of doing and of the prep etc. You mention you're exhausted but nothing about DH being exhausted too? Why is he not sharing more of the load?

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 27/12/2020 11:53

I think the 14 children thing is irrelevant (unless you are not in the UK), because they couldn't all have gone round to her house.
Your husband should have stayed at her house to help, not necessarily cooking, but to do any other jobs like setting the table and just to keep your MIL company, rather than you all leaving for 3 hours and then turning up for your dinner. Did you all really need to go to spend 2-3 hours in your parent's garden?
No, your SIL shouldn't just have had a go at you, but she probably thought you expected your husband to go to your family with you, so blamed you.

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 12:05

YANBU.

Your husband sounds useless.

You are doing too much.

You need to step back.

Those who do too much are constantly taken advantage of.

It's as if others think because they do too much and put themselves out they must be a bit dim.

Step back.
Leave your husband to it.
You have enough on your plate.

SunshineCake · 27/12/2020 13:55

Probably easier to shout at the relative by marriage rather than the one by blood..

caperplips · 27/12/2020 14:30

Why are people saying oh poor MIL 14 children & none of them want to spend Christmas with her when both SIL & op's dh spend Christmas with her & they are both het children
OP I think your dh needs to have a conversation with his sister about what happened
Maybe next time invite MIL to your house & then SIL can have a break & you can alternate that if the other siblings are unable / unwilling to step up?
But really your dh should have the conversation with his 13 siblings about sharing the responsibility for MIL

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 17:39

Knottedstomach11 I hope you are feeling OK, or at least better. Your SIL and DH were in the wrong, and you know you are in the right.

RightYesButNo · 28/12/2020 08:32

Is there any chance your MIL set you up? You didn’t hear her tell your DH and DSS that it was fine and she wanted time alone so I do wonder if it was a passive aggressive, “oh yes, it’s fiiiiiine if you leave me all alone on Christmas Day,” and they just thought, “oh okay, enjoy your private time!”

And if so, then she blubbered to SIL how she was left all alone.

Honestly, I get you said her other children have grandchildren of their own but when you’re spending Christmas with two people (MIL and SIL) that a collective THIRTEEN other families didn’t want to be around, not even on a rota, not even feeling an obligation to their mum, that’s a bit strange.

No, your SIL shouldn’t have yelled at you. But you know what would have shut her up in a massive hurry? Your DH telling her to fuck off. He was there and just let her do it. I’d be more angry at him than anyone else.

MrsMiaWallis · 28/12/2020 08:35

Are you in the uk? Just wondering what tier you are in with all the to-ing and fro-ing (nothing to do with the OP really)

Grobagsforever · 28/12/2020 09:17

Why wasn't DH standing up to his mothers and sisters sexist attitudes and cooking?

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 13:59

YANBU, because no excuse for shouting...

But it sounds to me like you took on too much and there was miscommunication all round.

If you are in charge of cooking dinner going off for 2 hours just before is going to cause stress. Fine if DH was doing that bit, but if he didn’t step up and get on with it, and as you say in that family it would not be easily accepted, then it probably wasn’t the best plan.

I think the solution is to do less not more. You are quite within your rights not too cook for anyone else, but if you do split the responsibility out clearly.

Sillysandy · 28/12/2020 14:04

The replies here are so typical of MN - miss the point entirely or take a pop at the OP.

The OP was going about her Christmas day as planned when she was ambushed by SIL. It would have been a shock and nothing strange that it brought on the waterworks.

Why are people suggesting how arrangements should have made? The arrangements were made, it's irrelevant whether others think they were made properly. They were set, they were followed. The SIL was bang out of order to shout at OP. Even if OP had broken plans and done her own thing, the SIL had no right to shout at her.

OP she has shown her true colours here. I suspect this is not the first time she has behaved like this but perhaps it was not as dramatic before. She is selfish, inconsiderate and aggressive. Her mother likely told her off and she took it out on you. How dare she?

Going forward I would not make an effort. My two SILs would behave like this with me if they got the chance. I saw early on I was going to be the whipping boy for the family. I said thanks but no thanks. I've got my own family to navigate. Now when they drop their passive aggressive giant hints (or sometimes just flat out insults) I just smile and point to my DH. They make lots of remarks about the duties I don't perform which my predecessor did. I laugh "that marriage didn't work out so well". They are nasty women. Your SIL sounds a bully.

I would take this as an opportunity to distance yourself from her. If she calls you out on it I would calmly say "I think it's best given how last Christmas day went."

Sillysandy · 28/12/2020 14:07

@partyatthepalace

YANBU, because no excuse for shouting...

But it sounds to me like you took on too much and there was miscommunication all round.

I think the solution is to do less not more. You are quite within your rights not too cook for anyone else, but if you do split the responsibility out clearly.

The op wasn't responsible for cooking, her MIL was. She has stated this numerous times.

LaBellina · 28/12/2020 14:08

YANBU ~ your SIL was mean and rude and I would have told her that as well.
If your MIL and DH heard what happened and did not stand up for you then in your shoes, this year would have been the last time I went there for a Christmas dinner, leave alone also preparing it.

Natsel84 · 28/12/2020 14:38

Why didn't you say something to your sister in law straight away for talking to you like that though ?
She was wrong to take it out on you , but now she's had a go at you once she will do it again no doubt .

Lovelydaybut · 28/12/2020 14:43

Agree with the poster who asked about the to and fro during Covid.
Hope this was somewhere that you are allowed to mix like this.

Butterymuffin · 28/12/2020 15:16

Your husband sounds useless. From what you've posted he did nothing to care for you, his mum, or his own kids. What's the point of him?

Also, what 'event' was SIL invited to taking place on the morning of Christmas Day? Are you sure this wasn't an excuse?

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 17:42

You are not in the wrong. It seems like you went above and beyond and were more than entitled to take a few hours out

Original poster

Knottedstomach11 · 28/12/2020 17:52

@MrsMiaWallis we are not in the UK & don’t have tiers. The rules of our country were respected.
@Natsel84 I think I was in shock. I was very tired & a bit stressed too trying to get DD down for a nap, DS changed & fed before I could have dinner. I won’t take it off of her again though.

I agree with PP DH should have cooked & prepared the food. He said he offered but MIL refused. I believe this as she doesn’t let her sons do anything in the kitchen .

OP posts:

Insertcreativenamehere · 28/12/2020 18:07

Weren’t you only supposed to have one bubble on Christmas Day? So my vote for you BU is because you should have only mixed once.

Original poster

Knottedstomach11 · 28/12/2020 18:11

@Insertcreativenamehere we are not in the UK. We do not have bubbles or tiers. We do not have the same Covid rules as the UK.

OP posts:

kursaalflyer · 28/12/2020 18:23

Oh dear your dh sounds worse every time you post. In the nicest possible way, stop doing everything! He's quite capable of 'helping' you by putting his own daughter down for a nap etc. Doesn't he care that you are running yourself ragged and then getting it in the neck by sil for not doing even more?

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 28/12/2020 18:24

Oh hell no. I would have asked them both to leave. Fuck no.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/12/2020 18:41

@LittleMimi

I’m surprised that people are commenting on why none of the other 14 children didn’t come around as if there weren’t any restrictions for Christmas. Maybe some wanted to but couldn’t. Although it doesn’t look good that you seem to be meeting up with potentially three households and then two of you went off to meet others.

I was wondering where the families are based given that there appear to be no COVID restrictions. Able to stay over for a week before Christmas, 3 go off to another household, another to "an event" - must be outside of UK?

kursaalflyer · 28/12/2020 18:50

Gosh, I wish there was a sticky option so op could post I AM NOT IN THE UK

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7