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Original poster

SIL made me cry on Christmas Day

161 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 00:26

I will NC after this as it is very outing.

We always have Christmas dinner in PIL but this year we decided to spend a few days staying in MIL’s. It is the first Christmas since FIL passed away this year so we didn’t want MIL to be alone.
I have two very young DC so this was quite an effort. I also bought all of the Christmas dinner - also effor as one DC is severely disabled. In short it was not fun for me in the week running up to Christmas.

SIL is single so also comes over for Christmas dinner. She is very difficult character at the best of times and talks, talks, talks.

Ok Christmas Eve SIL came over to prep veg. I did offer to do it the next morning and there was only 5 of us for dinner. We had a group discussion about dinner the next day and I said I would be leaving to visit my family at 12.30 but would be back by 3.30 for dinner.

On Christmas Day I got back to MIL at 3ish and saw SIL in the kitchen. I offered to help when she started shouting at me. Said that I shouldn’t have left MIL alone, I should have stayed to cook the Christmas dinner, my help was not needed now but at 1pm.

I walked out of the room as I was so shocked.

My MIL is lovely and has 14 children - why is it up to me to spend Christmas with her & not one of her own children? I had said to DH and DSS that they should stay with MIL while I visited my family. They both said MIL wanted time to herself.

OP posts:
Flibbitygibbit · 27/12/2020 09:51

Don't waste tears over someone who doesn't deserve them.

AmberItsACertainty · 27/12/2020 09:55

You could stop trying to organise everything. For a start why were you doing the food shop with a severely disabled child in tow? In future either someone else does the shop or your DH looks after his DC. Then let your DH communicate plans and changes of plans to his family. If anyone shouts at you tell them their behaviour is unacceptable. Your life sounds difficult and I suspect it's you who does the majority of the wife work in your house. So Christmas day it's not unreasonable for you to have a complete rest, no cooking or cleaning or washing up. If you're at someone else's home with everyone pitching in then your DH can do your family's share of any chores.

ChakaDakotaRegina · 27/12/2020 09:59

It sounds like SIL is grieving for her dad and she took it out on you. She really shouldn’t scapegoat you and I don’t see why that situation would warrant shouting anyway -she knew you wouldn’t push back.
I’d ask DH to have a word. It sounds like you made a big effort. Flowers

Goldencurtain · 27/12/2020 10:00

Has everyone lost sight of the fact that the SIL has lost her father and it's her first Christmas without him? Whilst that doesn't excuse the behaviour I'm surprised by the lack of compassion

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 10:01

@kursaalflyer

Seems like there's a lot of wifework going on here so expectations are on you. Time for a change?
yes. I do see that the MIL was left alone when the arrangement was that she shouldn't be,but lots of wifework assumptions on the OP.

I would do nothing for anything of them next year. christmas at home the four of you.

HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2020 10:03

You need to work on your resilience if it’s worried you this much. Instead of running off to another room, maybe tell her to do one. That will solve it immediately rather than going to the Internet. Also perplexed your DH just stood there like a lemon. Has he also a problem with speech?

I spent decades in a role where I would have been shouted at at least once a day. Weirdly often culminating in being called a fat lesbian. I’m married with kids but yes, am fat😁. It’s not upsetting at all, just incredibly dull. No reason to run off and cry and I just had to ignore it (hilarious in itself as if I had a coin for every time I heard ‘did you hear me’ shouted I’d be an absolute millionaire), so if you get a genuine chance to respond, as you certainly did, then grow a backbone and go for it with abandon.

HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2020 10:04

Also don’t understand why your DH wasn’t arm deep in veg prep. There would have indeed been shouting going on in the kitchen if I had of been there but it would have been directed to DH being a lazy lump.

LadyLazaruss · 27/12/2020 10:07

@lazylump72

OP you are a better woman than I am..I would have kicked off royally with SIL and DH..DH for not standing up for me and telling her where to go and SIL for how dare she speak to you like that? I would be on the phone today and reminding her that you have no clue who the fuck she thinks she is but if she ever dare even look at you never mind speak to you in such a way again it will be the very last time....
God, and me and i've done it to MIL before
Candyfloss99 · 27/12/2020 10:11

Oh I would have just ignored her. Or told her to wise up. Or told my DH to tell her to wise up. No need for tears.

justanotherneighinparadise · 27/12/2020 10:13

Well next year stay at home. Why would you travel to join a family what thinks its okay to shout and be rude to guests? None of this ever makes sense to me.

cactusisblooming · 27/12/2020 10:17

SIL was wrong to shout at you but your DH was wrong both in leaving his DM and not calling SIL out when she shouted. He should have been there to lend a hand and support his DM. It sounded as if he cba.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/12/2020 10:21

Why on earth did you not tell her to shut her fucking mouth at the time?

I like a quiet life as much as any but some people need to be told otherwise they continue to bully and override others.

If I were you, I would actually ring her and tell her she was rude and out of order and you don't expect to be spoken to like that again. Stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 10:22

@LittleMimi @Serin we are not in the UK and Covid risk is not an issue for MIL or SIL.

SIL hated FIL but is very protective of MIL which caused her anger. I am sure that she is still grieving too.

My plans were clear for months - I would not be cooking dinner but I would buy all of the food. I would be away for early afternoon as this is the time I would be with my own family.

SIL got invited to an event a couple of weeks before and I think she just couldn’t hear my plans anymore. Or expected me to change them.

She said nothing to DH or DSS and had no expectations of either of them to cook.

The week before Christmas was crazy busy. I am exhausted. I was hurt that despite the huge effort of staying with MIL it still wasn’t seen as good enough by SIL. I was expected to cook too and mind 2 toddlers, and visit my family - MIL, DH & DSS are all capable of cooking - why shout at me?!

OP posts:
evenBetter · 27/12/2020 10:29

oakleaf there’s probably good reason. Children who don’t bother with a parent will have years of reasons why.
So OP and your husband were stunned out of the capacity to speak? Weird. At least you know to never be around SIL again.

Incrediblytired · 27/12/2020 10:34

I though SIL did the veg prep the night before and the meat was cooked before? So what on earth was being done on Xmas day that warranted this madness? Turning on the oven? Whipping up the bisto? I jest but it seems a bit of an overreaction on her part.

You aren’t being unreasonable and well done for not rising to it. It’s not good for children to be exposed to that behaviour and adults should know better.

I understand that you cried, it’s Christmas, it’s stressful, it was the straw that broke the camels back.

In her defence...she’s grieving too and I think she took this out on you. It’s unacceptable but if she apologised I do think you should take this into consideration

5zeds · 27/12/2020 10:42

@Disabrie22 I suspect having 14 children means that none of that has a good connection with her and there may be a bit of resentment from them. why? Do you suspect only children are always a bit lonely, and unable to connect with their own age group? Do you suspect blended families always resent each other? Do you suspect mixed race/culture families are never at home any where?
I suspect you don’t approve of women who choose to have more than the average number of children. What that has to do with someone’s SIL getting stressed and ratty over Christmas lunch prep is hard to see.

Laserbird16 · 27/12/2020 10:43

You tried to do something kind and who knows what happened but it doesn't sound like it's about you, you just happened to be the safest target. SIL sounds unhinged so shrug your shoulders and feel free to say you're busy if you need to cross paths again...and you are I'm sure you've got a book you need to read.

Your DH should talk to SIL about WTAF was that all about but if he won't again feel free to say no to any family events.

MIL has 14 children I'm sure between them they can ensure she has visitors etc. If not...again that's not for you to fix

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2020 10:44

You did nothing wrong op. You went over and above. However why didn't your husband speak to his sister in the strongest terms to never shout at his wife again? I think you should make it clear to both dh and sil that you will never be helping mil at Xmas again. I know I wouldn't. She has enough kids of her own.

Googlebrained · 27/12/2020 10:48

Why are so many people saying someone should have stayed with the mother. The mother said she wanted time to herself. I'd go batshit if someone thought they know what's best for me, better than I do when I'd just lost my partner.

Also, why is it OP's job to manage family relationships? It's up to her DH and DSS to decide whether or not to spend time with OP's family. How is that OP's job?

OP your SIL was being v unreasonable. If she was annoyed with anyone it should be her brother, not you. It sounds like you deserved the rest after having so much on your plate (no pun intended) the rest of the year. She should apologise to you. I know it's annoying when you have to do everything, while everyone sits around (I've been there) but you did all the shopping, offered to help prep, and had made the effort to go and stay at MiL's (when no other bugger in the extremely large family had done so).

Mittens030869 · 27/12/2020 10:59

@Confusedandshaken

Yes, that’s true of me as well. I don’t cope well with people shouting at me for the same reason as you, I think. I don’t cope well when it’s not me being shouted at, either. My DH has only shouted at me once in 17 years of marriage, but he does sometimes raise his voice at our DDs. (Particularly DD1 (11), who is a very challenging child, who I struggle with, too.)

So I get it. The crying is a reflex, which results from being triggered because of past experiences.

But to answer your question, OP, your SIL was out of order to shout at you. She was probably stressed, but it sounds from what you’ve said that she has form?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2020 10:59

Ok Christmas Eve SIL came over to prep veg. I did offer to do it the next morning and there was only 5 of us for dinner. We had a group discussion about dinner the next day and I said I would be leaving to visit my family at 12.30 but would be back by 3.30 for dinner.

It sounds like the REAL issue is that your DH came with you to your parents whereas you'd given the impression the day before that it would just be you. I have no idea why he did that when you had gone to stay with his mum so that she wouldn't be alone and knew there would be no-one else with her. You knew SIL had her morning event. It sounds like it veered off the agreed group plan from the day before, as you say you said "I said I would be leaving to visit my family". Not "WE would be leaving to visit my family." So I think the expectation was that MIL wouldn't be left alone.

It is off to ALL go off somewhere else and turn back up half an hour before you'd agreed to eat (your SIL is at fault here). It is your DH that your sister in law should have shouted at, not you. And he certainly should have been stopping her from having a go at you when it wasn't your fauolt.

Having said all that, why didn't you all just decide on a later dinner if you all had plans earlier in the day?!

ImDoingMe · 27/12/2020 11:03

Been there, done that with the SIL, and got the T-shirt.

Dumping everything on the DIL/SIL breeds massive resentment. I know because I have been there and am slowly weening myself off this.

In contrast, I have never had any issues with my 2 SILs who are married to my DBs as they are very capable of shopping, cooking, buying presents, and sending cars themselves. If I want something, I go to them. As a result, when I see my SILs there isn't anything to be uppity about and we get on great. DH's sis hates my guts and even more so now as I have taken massive steps back.

It is your DH's job to deal with HIS family and it is yours to deal with your side. You can give him a bit of help if he needs it, but that's all. Help him to help himself.

My in-laws are more upset with me now because I am no longer their whipping boy but I got to the point where I told myself "damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I won't". Also, "if the broom fits, fly it".

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2020 11:03

Or why didn't you visit your family in the morning instead?

It all sounds so avoidable with some sensible planning, compromise, proper discussion about what everyone wanted and what would work best (not "I think Mum wants to be alone" from your DH without you checking this before you all left together), and a firm putting of SIL in her place.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 11:07

You can easily defend yourself here, OP - try doing it IRL.

Mittens030869 · 27/12/2020 11:09

@Googlebrained

I couldn’t agree more! As a new widow, the MIL will be finding Christmas very emotional and might well feel able to have a weep whilst her family are fussing around her.

Another thought, the OP’s DH and SIL will be facing their first Christmas without their dad. So feelings will be running high and, if the SIL is difficult at the best of times, this is likely to be exacerbated now, as she’ll be dealing with her own grief as well.