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Original poster

SIL made me cry on Christmas Day

161 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 00:26

I will NC after this as it is very outing.

We always have Christmas dinner in PIL but this year we decided to spend a few days staying in MIL’s. It is the first Christmas since FIL passed away this year so we didn’t want MIL to be alone.
I have two very young DC so this was quite an effort. I also bought all of the Christmas dinner - also effor as one DC is severely disabled. In short it was not fun for me in the week running up to Christmas.

SIL is single so also comes over for Christmas dinner. She is very difficult character at the best of times and talks, talks, talks.

Ok Christmas Eve SIL came over to prep veg. I did offer to do it the next morning and there was only 5 of us for dinner. We had a group discussion about dinner the next day and I said I would be leaving to visit my family at 12.30 but would be back by 3.30 for dinner.

On Christmas Day I got back to MIL at 3ish and saw SIL in the kitchen. I offered to help when she started shouting at me. Said that I shouldn’t have left MIL alone, I should have stayed to cook the Christmas dinner, my help was not needed now but at 1pm.

I walked out of the room as I was so shocked.

My MIL is lovely and has 14 children - why is it up to me to spend Christmas with her & not one of her own children? I had said to DH and DSS that they should stay with MIL while I visited my family. They both said MIL wanted time to herself.

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 27/12/2020 06:40

I do think it's odd for a grown up to cry because someone is shouting at them

I don't. I'm normally pretty tough and robust but if someone shouts at me it takes me straight back to my abusive childhood and I cry helplessly. I lose the power of speech and withdraw. Luckily, my DH isn't a shouter and our arguments are conducted without raised voices. It meant that my job working in an Italian restaurant lasted precisely a shift and a half!

Confusedandshaken · 27/12/2020 06:43

Sorry, pressed send too soon Having established that I cry instantly if someone shouts at me I wouldn't say the shouters 'make' me cry and I don't blame them for my tears. It's my own history and personality that make me cry and presumably it's their history and personality that makes them shout.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 27/12/2020 07:15

I do think that's cheeky of you and DH, Covid has meant restrictions, so if you were there the other children couldn't come round or have MIL to visit them. You say you were there for MIL on her first Christmas alone but essentially left in the middle of the day and instructed SIL to have your dinner on the table for your return ..... SIL should not have screamed or shouted though

FixItUpChappie · 27/12/2020 07:42

I can't fathom how anyone could think you were unreasonable. I would have told your SIL to go do one and probably still would. Then I'd tell your spineless husband to go do one to. OP you are defiantly not being unreasonable.

Also it seems incredibly patronizing to to suggest your MIL couldn't cope with with 2-3 hrs alone ffs.

IseeIsee · 27/12/2020 07:49

Sil shouldn't have shouted. It seems she thought you were cooking dinner for whatever reason when in fact you were intending going elsewhere and will arrive back when dinner is ready. Your DH was also going to be missing but it seems for sexist reasons it didn't matter what he was doing as he wasn't really needed. I don't know if it was agreed who was going to cook and if that person accepted they would cook. It's not clear. It is just clear that you said you were going to be elsewhere.

14 children and on her own is actually more common than you think. In large families, it is not unusual that children have greater bonds with their siblings than their Mother and focus their love/attention on these relationships. You can be very stretched when you have a v large family and results in children and Mother's not bonding like in standard families.

notanothertakeaway · 27/12/2020 07:57

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

So the cooking is a red herring. It's about the fact that you and DH said you were staying with MIL because you didn't want her to be alone after losing FIL ... and then you left her alone at a time when you both knew SIL was elsewhere so no-one else could keep her company. Possibly SIL is blaming you more because she felt your DH wouldn't have left if you hadn't suggested it. I'd have been annoyed with both of you.
@TheCrowsHaveEyes nailed it, I think. This isn't about cooking, it's about you and your DH leaving MIL alone, having said you would keep her company
Shoxfordian · 27/12/2020 08:03

I don’t think you were in the wrong, your sil sounds very difficult

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 08:27

@notanothertakeaway this is probably the real crux of it. So yeh, cooking is a red herring.

People say things in anger, so TRY not to assume that you're adversaries now, she probably shocked herself when she shouted at you.

Not saying this is a go to communication style far from it, but when I have been frustrated with somebody and I have lost control and shouted at them, I always feel so frustrated with myself afterwards and wish I hadn't shouted.

So, to start with, assume that she regrets shouting. Then take it from there.

Littlewhitedove2 · 27/12/2020 08:39

You should have gone to your mums but your DH should have stayed back with his mum.
Even if she said she wanted time alone, he should
Have been in the house on the day in my mind. Because you 2 were there, no other family could really come over.
Why did he go with you? If it’s because you needed help with your DC and it would have been too tricky to go alone to your mums, thats a different story and understandable.

Christmasfairy2020 · 27/12/2020 08:41

Tbh why didn't mil come to yours. Less stressful

kursaalflyer · 27/12/2020 08:41

Seems like there's a lot of wifework going on here so expectations are on you. Time for a change?

lyralalala · 27/12/2020 08:52

It sounds like SIL is embarrassed MIL was on her own because she was late and is deflecting the blame onto you

Benjispruce2 · 27/12/2020 09:00

What did your MiL and DH say to her when she shouted at you?

Mrgrinch · 27/12/2020 09:04

To be honest I think you were being a bit ridiculous and over-sensitive. It was nothing to cry over. You either ignore it or respond, running off and crying was childish.

Heartlantern2 · 27/12/2020 09:09

Sil is bitter that MIL has fallen to her, as everyone else has their own families. She obviously didn’t realise that until you and DH walked out to go visit others. She took it out on you.

CaMePlaitPas · 27/12/2020 09:15

Don't engage, ignore. I would have told the silly old bat to shut up and look after her own mother, but I am less refined than the other adult women on this board with better advice!

LittleMimi · 27/12/2020 09:16

I’m surprised that people are commenting on why none of the other 14 children didn’t come around as if there weren’t any restrictions for Christmas. Maybe some wanted to but couldn’t. Although it doesn’t look good that you seem to be meeting up with potentially three households and then two of you went off to meet others.

Serin · 27/12/2020 09:17

Maybe she was angry that you were going from house to house, potentially putting her Mum at risk of covid?

curedragon · 27/12/2020 09:20

is it normal for people to cook their Xmas meat the day before?

Cam2020 · 27/12/2020 09:22

She sounds horrible and no, it's not your job.

Also, she cooked a roast dinner for five people, what's the big deal? She hardly catered for hundreds.

GenderApostate19 · 27/12/2020 09:27

If you don’t have a big kitchen/ double oven then yes, cooking the turkey and ham early is normal.

Also, some people go to church and might not want to leave an oven on?

Porridgeoat · 27/12/2020 09:44

I think an advanced WhatsApp group for the prep would be better then it’s written down for your SIL and DH. Then it’s all all agreed and laid out clearly. You can put DH forward each year to help while you go to your mums.

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2020 09:46

You absolutely did nothing wrong. Your sil was being completely unreasonable. I'm sorry she did this to you. You have alot in your plate as it is. My personal suggestion is to put your own familys needs first. Next time stay home. Explain that your child is disabled and requires care. Let one of her other 13 children invite her or step up. They're obviously waiting for you to do it so they dont have to. Be selfish for once and put yourself first.

randomer · 27/12/2020 09:48

Gosh can't quite get my head around 14 children. Still its not 22.

Sorry you had a horrible time OP.

lazylump72 · 27/12/2020 09:50

OP you are a better woman than I am..I would have kicked off royally with SIL and DH..DH for not standing up for me and telling her where to go and SIL for how dare she speak to you like that? I would be on the phone today and reminding her that you have no clue who the fuck she thinks she is but if she ever dare even look at you never mind speak to you in such a way again it will be the very last time....

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