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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL made me cry on Christmas Day

161 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 00:26

I will NC after this as it is very outing.

We always have Christmas dinner in PIL but this year we decided to spend a few days staying in MIL’s. It is the first Christmas since FIL passed away this year so we didn’t want MIL to be alone.
I have two very young DC so this was quite an effort. I also bought all of the Christmas dinner - also effor as one DC is severely disabled. In short it was not fun for me in the week running up to Christmas.

SIL is single so also comes over for Christmas dinner. She is very difficult character at the best of times and talks, talks, talks.

Ok Christmas Eve SIL came over to prep veg. I did offer to do it the next morning and there was only 5 of us for dinner. We had a group discussion about dinner the next day and I said I would be leaving to visit my family at 12.30 but would be back by 3.30 for dinner.

On Christmas Day I got back to MIL at 3ish and saw SIL in the kitchen. I offered to help when she started shouting at me. Said that I shouldn’t have left MIL alone, I should have stayed to cook the Christmas dinner, my help was not needed now but at 1pm.

I walked out of the room as I was so shocked.

My MIL is lovely and has 14 children - why is it up to me to spend Christmas with her & not one of her own children? I had said to DH and DSS that they should stay with MIL while I visited my family. They both said MIL wanted time to herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:06

@BillysMyBunny DH & DSS came with me & DC to visit my family. I honestly thought that they would stay with MIL. It was her first Christmas alone. When I raised it DH said it was okay as MIL wanted time alone.

MIL had cooked all meat the night before. It was only veg to be cooked before dinner. MIL wanted to cook. I wanted DH to cook as it’s been 6 years in PIL house & it’s his turn.

But I don’t know what was said while i was not there.

MIL has 14 children but DH is one of the youngest. Most have their own grandchildren so have their own Christmas. Which is why we go there as otherwise they’d be alone with SIL who has always been single.

DH was as shocked as I was. He didn’t do or say anything.
I was so unsure if I was in the wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:12

@AcornAutumn SIL is in her 50s I’m sure she’s used to being from a large family by now!

@AnneOfQueenSables MIL always cooks, I always clean beforehand & do all of the cleaning and dishes after. There was no PA in any of my day - I do think DH should have been more present with MIL but he adores his mother.

@StrawberryTot I left the kitchen as she was shouting and cried in the living room. I later drove DSS to his mothers and cried on the way back.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 27/12/2020 01:15

Your SiL was V unreasonable. Obviously it wasn't your responsibility. Even if it had been her behaviour was unreasonable.

I do think it's odd for a grown up to cry because someone is shouting at them, though. And very odd that you would be unsure if you were "in the wrong".

coldwaterfeed · 27/12/2020 01:15

So none of them stood up for you? I wouldn’t be going back there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2020 01:17

Under the circumstances of covid Christmas rules, it is understandable you wanted to visit your family. If your mil was ok to cook the veg, that seems fine.... someone needed to be there to finish off / dish up.

Do you all normally pitch in and help each other cook? It’s sounding to me as though perhaps your sil cooked last time and you didn’t help. I can see why she was pissed off, albeit allowances needed to be made this year.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2020 01:18

Cross post. Mil cooks. You clear up. So what does your sil do?

PubicMenace · 27/12/2020 01:26

I don't understand why you got yelled at not your DH/her brother. Outrageous. Anyway, chin up OP. You tried your best in a weird set up.

Yanbu.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:41

@Mummyoflittledragon but why would I be responsible for pitching in? DH is an able bodied adult & also a member of that family.

I have 2 DC, 1 of whom is severely disabled & needs 24 hour care. I purchased the food, why would it fall on me (out of a partnership of 2) to do the cooking?
It’s only a meal. I cook at least 2 meals a day, usually 3, 364 days a year.
DH knows I don’t cook Christmas dinner. Because I am a woman I am expected to ‘pitch in’ every year?

I’ve already said that I clean before and after. And buy the food

OP posts:
Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:42

@PubicMenace thanks. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll stay in my lovely, warm home from now on

OP posts:
TheCrowsHaveEyes · 27/12/2020 01:43

So the cooking is a red herring. It's about the fact that you and DH said you were staying with MIL because you didn't want her to be alone after losing FIL ... and then you left her alone at a time when you both knew SIL was elsewhere so no-one else could keep her company. Possibly SIL is blaming you more because she felt your DH wouldn't have left if you hadn't suggested it. I'd have been annoyed with both of you.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:49

Yes @TheCrowsHaveEyes I think that you are right.

We left at 1ish, SIL must have been late to MIL & felt guilty that she was alone.
I didn’t want her alone at all either - which is why I suggested to DH & DSS to stay with her.
My own DM is a widow too. I was not going to bring DC to my family on Christmas Day regardless. We may not see them again for months.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 27/12/2020 01:50

Everybody grieves differently and MIL may well have wanted a couple of hours of peace.
You did the hard work of shopping this time of year.
DH needs to pull his finger out and cook.
It amazes me how grown ups can revert to child behaviour when under their parents roof.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 01:50

*going to bring

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 01:55

It seems like she got lumbered and was fed up. Perhaps she did talk over and didn't get the message.

If she is difficult think of the best way to manage her next time. This includes telling her not to shout at you and leaving the room.if she continues.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 27/12/2020 01:59

I'd be a bit more forgiving about it all this year tbh because of Covid and because of their loss. It seems there has been a lot of miscommunication.
SIL might have thought you'd take your DC to visit your family at a time when she could be with MIL. From her pov, despite all the hours in the day, you and DH decided to go to your family at the one time, SIL couldn't be with MIL.
SIL felt she had told you that. You felt you'd said the time you were going. You were all assuming the other would adjust timings but it was actually you and DH that left MIL alone after explicitly saying you were staying so she wouldn't be alone. A bit more communication and adjustment all round would have meant you and your DH could have seen your family and MIL wasn't left alone.

Monday55 · 27/12/2020 02:02

Sorry but I 100% wouldn't put up with that nonsense. I would have squared up to her and then left afterwards. She spoke to you like that because she knew you wouldn't stand up to her. I would have nipped her behaviour in the bud there and then.

InsertRudeWord · 27/12/2020 02:10

I think I'm seeing why your SIL is always single. Ignore.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 27/12/2020 02:29

@TheCrowsHaveEyes SIL doesn’t live with MIL. She has her own home, she visited Christmas Eve & arrived Christmas Day after mass as planned. If we hadn’t stayed MIL would have been alone much more.

MIL was invited to my family. Apparently she wanted time alone - but I Didn’t have that conversation with her.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 27/12/2020 02:32

Tell SIL to f- off! How dare she speak to you like that! And I’d be having words with DH too- if he can’t stand up for you then what use is he? You have enough on your plate. MIL may be nice enough, but next year I’d be having Xmas in my own home and leave SIL and MIL to it!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2020 02:49

[quote Knottedstomach11]@Mummyoflittledragon but why would I be responsible for pitching in? DH is an able bodied adult & also a member of that family.

I have 2 DC, 1 of whom is severely disabled & needs 24 hour care. I purchased the food, why would it fall on me (out of a partnership of 2) to do the cooking?
It’s only a meal. I cook at least 2 meals a day, usually 3, 364 days a year.
DH knows I don’t cook Christmas dinner. Because I am a woman I am expected to ‘pitch in’ every year?

I’ve already said that I clean before and after. And buy the food[/quote]
That’s not what I said at all. You’re making this about being a woman because that’s what you’re explaining his family thinks. I asked if you all normally pitch in.

From what you said, I was wondering if your sil cooked and your dh and you didn’t help last year and it was you / your dh’s turn this year, ergo her being pissed off. I never said any of what she said was justified. I said I can see why she’s pissed off if that’s the case... from her family view as the female, it falls to you, however ridiculous...

Anyway if you looked below, I said cross post, ie my comment before was not correct. I see you do a lot and actually asked what your sil does.

So what does your sil do to contribute? Is she childless when you have your hands full with your dcs?

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 02:52

You poor thing, that is 100% not your fault. You were very clear about what you were and were not doing. Your sister in law may be grieving loss of her dad but she really should not speak to you like that.

I am sorry you got upset and cried. I expect I would have too.

"DH was as shocked as I was. He didn’t do or say anything." He should have told his own sister why he had chosen to leave his own mother alone (because she wanted time alone) and he should have stuck up for you.

"I was so unsure if I was in the wrong" You were not in the wrong at all.

Maybe your SIL needs to learn to listen to plans and not talk over people.

Thanks
oakleaffy · 27/12/2020 04:05

@AcornAutumn

14 children??😱😱😱😱

Actually, maybe the stress of being one of 14 got to her?

I was actually shocked. FOURTEEN??

And not one of the blighters spent Xmas day with their Mum??

Poor woman.

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2020 04:33

Your SIL is an arse and your DH is lazy and spineless.

You tried to do a nice thing but unfortunately that kindness was interpreted as entitlement by the selfish (your DH included) on your H’s side of the family.

If you don’t want to be treated as the family skivvy then don’t volunteer for these people.

MinnieJackson · 27/12/2020 04:50

Big hugs to you, that's shit. Where are the rest of the children? I've only skimmed the thread but sounds like it would have been a good Christmas apart from SIL. Has she been like this before?

notsureofname · 27/12/2020 04:58

Why the insistence that MIL couldn't spend a couple of hours on her own finishing off the meal ? Maybe she would have appreciated time alone with her memories and perhaps a little weep without people taking over her home and dictating how she should feel. She was not on her own all day just a couple of hours unlike so many.