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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it a British thing to think that bragging about your ‘advanced’ child is crass?

196 replies

Anon778833 · 26/12/2020 18:27

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

OP posts:
Vargas · 26/12/2020 23:32

It may or may not be crass, but it's incredibly boring.

TheSunIsStillShining · 26/12/2020 23:55

Non-brit here.
I agree that in this country talking about your kid's achievement is a weird thing.
My son did a proper Mensa IQ test, scored max points and when I mentioned it to about 3 people all I got back was polite: don't brag!
Why can't a parent be happy about it?
And I can see how this post will be tagged as humble bragging or something similar. It's not. It's outright happiness that I have such a bright boy. (who is also a f..ing lazy teen atm)

Frestba · 27/12/2020 00:06

I think we keep it to ourselves because only close friends or family are interested or genuinely pleased for you.

Stillfunny · 27/12/2020 00:16

Nobody cares about other people's kids . Not their talents, achievements or otherwise . Fact.😁

jessstan1 · 27/12/2020 00:19

TheSunisStillShining: Why can't a parent be happy about it?
........
No reason at all and I agree with you but I've seen people shot down in flames when they have acted pleased about something, accused of boasting when they were not.

There are a lot of insecure, resentful folks about, not just in this country. It's best to say nothing to anyone outside your own circle, really.

Sad but true.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/12/2020 00:24

It is crass. Its ranking kids from best to worst. Mines better than yours. Superiority shit. Everyone is different, they all have their own strengths, and it often runs off on the kids who become arrogant little shits because they're smarter than everyone

SusannaSpider · 27/12/2020 00:27

Friends moved to the US when their kids were young, they had to move back to the UK recently, kids are teens now. The thing the friends miss most is the confidence that is instilled in children in the US and the lack of false modesty. They moved to secondary school here and were immediately 'taken down a peg'. In the US it was fine to say they were good at something, I envy that, my DD is so lovely, she works so hard and is a high achiever. But she hides behind her fringe and mutters that she is crap at everything, because it's not done to boast and she genuinely feels she isn't good at things. Sometimes the US has it right.

june2007 · 27/12/2020 00:36

You get it on face book every parents evening, poeple saying how wonderful their review was. It makes it sound like there children are angels/perfect/ woderful. I know in reality the parents are more grounded but it feals like boasting the kid of my childs better then yours. even if thats not the intention.

Disabrie22 · 27/12/2020 00:43

It’s all I see on fbook, all the time - I find it really naff. I don’t feel the need to do it to anyone but the kids grandparents.

SusannaSpider · 27/12/2020 00:43

You get it on face book every parents evening, poeple saying how wonderful their review was. It makes it sound like there children are angels/perfect/ woderful. I know in reality the parents are more grounded but it feals like boasting the kid of my childs better then yours. even if thats not the intention.

I find the opposite, I don't know anyone who bigs up their kids achievements in this way. In real life I'd love to tell people how well my daughter is doing, she does work really hard, despite physical and mental health issues, but it wouldn't go down well.

PetertheWalrus · 27/12/2020 00:50

It's one of those things that unites the upper and working classes. Talking about your children's abilities is really not done. It is a hallmark of the middle-classes.

TableFlowerss · 27/12/2020 00:56

@SusannaSpider

Friends moved to the US when their kids were young, they had to move back to the UK recently, kids are teens now. The thing the friends miss most is the confidence that is instilled in children in the US and the lack of false modesty. They moved to secondary school here and were immediately 'taken down a peg'. In the US it was fine to say they were good at something, I envy that, my DD is so lovely, she works so hard and is a high achiever. But she hides behind her fringe and mutters that she is crap at everything, because it's not done to boast and she genuinely feels she isn't good at things. Sometimes the US has it right.
To be honest though, there’s a fine line. I agree that Brits are more often than not quiet about their achievements so not to brag.

Americans don’t seem big on modesty and happily share all of their achievements, such as attending an Ivy League uni etc....

You wouldn’t get so many Oxbridge students like that. They’re more likely to play it down. I think it’s a cultural thing but Brits tend to cringe at that sort of ‘selling themselves’ chat!

BiBabbles · 27/12/2020 00:56

As a non-Brit, I find Brits brag regularly about their children, but nearly always with the caveat that they put little effort in whatever achievement and done in a way that it's something every child should be able to do whatever in the right circumstances. Something unique or requiring effort is not for British discussions, on either side of that spectrum.

When my kids were younger, I heard variations of 'oh, I didn't do anything to help them learn to read, they just started at [early age] from having books around' or 'they just started doing multiplication tables, it's amazing how children can pick things up'. Talking about putting effort to helping children learn was seen as hothousing and that a child worked hard at a subject or area was just not the done thing. Thankfully, they're now all of an age where I rarely have to talk to other parents about what they're doing though sadly it took far too long for me to realize most of those parents were lying, it took it's toll to feel like the only parent who had to teach their children these basics.

My parents were terrible for the 'what my children did well is because of us and what they do poorly is through their bad choices that they should be mocked for'. Between that and the above parents, I tend to not talk about what my children do with others as I don't want to get into it with others or have my children feel I'm making it all about me, so when I do I mainly talk about their accomplishments to my children about it and whether to them or others, I focus on their effort and the challenges they've overcome. The things I would have liked acknowledged as a child I want my children to hear me talk about and celebrate. I'm not really concerned if it seems to come out of no where to other people, but more how my children feel about how I'm talking about their accomplishments.

And yes, I've had my children surprise me and had little-to-no idea before they've earned something. My oldest has been particularly good for this - he has a significant stammer that has been a source of frustration for him - him getting into public speaking to the point of being rewarded by his college for it was a surprise. I would not have guessed how much that would excite him to get into until I saw him doing it. Him getting into face-to-face volunteering that he earned a 100 hour award at 15 surprised me - hell, it surprised him, neither of us had been great at keeping track and he'd just done all the hours he could. He went out in all-weather, dealt with all sorts of people who reacted to him in very different ways, did the training courses required, he worked hard to be a help. I don't think most people around us would have had much of an idea of how much work he put into that as it's not something either of us talk about. Not sure if he's very British in that or not.

RETIREDandHAPPY · 27/12/2020 01:29

I hate madly competitive parents who shout out rude comments at children's sporting events. Also, parents that claim their child was unfairly treated and should have won!
Sporting "stars" and their parents, are far more likely to have a high opinion of themselves than academic "stars" too.
The boasting, whether about academic or sporting success, does not bother me at all. Just let it in one ear and out the other.

Marchitectmummy · 27/12/2020 03:45

I dont think it's acceptable to brag about children, it's also quite foolish. Achievements of children are personal to tbe child not something to discuss and tell others about.

Anon778833 · 27/12/2020 08:56

I hate madly competitive parents who shout out rude comments at children's sporting events. Also, parents that claim their child was unfairly treated and should have won!

Yes, I remember those too 🤦🏻‍♀️

The thing is, there are some things that I think people want to hear. I do like to hear that my friends children have won something or done very well in their exams.

It’s these people who post videos of their child with a caption ‘look how clever they are’

You can almost hear the collective eye rolling.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 27/12/2020 09:08

I’m middle class from a working class background, and I think it’s the height of naff to boast about your children.

If they end up at Oxbridge that’s brilliant and I’ll obviously be thrilled, but it’s ultimately down to them to achieve; we’ll help with school moves/tutors, but it’ll be their success, not mine, if it happens.

Bragging about your kids is so insensitive- what if you’re talking to someone whose child has SEN or struggles in another way? It’s also really lacking in understanding that academia is not all, and that even if you’re very bright you may not go on to have a sparkling career, or may end up as a dropout etc.

Better to say nothing to friends unless asked, but to celebrate success at home as a family, of success does indeed come along.

Djouce · 27/12/2020 09:14

@Xenia

It is best not to show off in life. Pride comes before a fall as the saying goes.....

"And this is my son the doctor" kind of thing often goes wrong. on the other hand I have no problems saying my son was a postman for 3 years and now delivers food probably to mumsnetters for a living.

Cultures just differ on this.

With respect, @Xenia, the one thing you are notorious for on Mn is banging on about your privately-educated children.

OP, your logic is confusing. Are you suggesting that if someone’s children are Oxbridge material, the parents should have the decency to warn you about this years in advance by dropping hints about their reading band/exam performance/ level 40 oboe so that it’s not too much of a shock when they ace their interview, get a double First and then skip gaily on to an All Souls fellowship shortly after?

Sarahandco · 27/12/2020 09:50

I brag about my son who is clever and getting high grades, but only to my family. I am not a bragger in any other sphere and do normally consider bragging a bad thing but I can't bloody help myself when it comes to my son. However, I do it partly out of surprise as I am not anywhere near as clever! I am also very proud as he is very self-motivated and so all the credit goes to him. And correct - I have not achieved much in life myself.

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2020 09:55

The thing is, there are some things that I think people want to hear. I do like to hear that my friends children have won something or done very well in their exams
It's perfectly possible to do those things without bragging.

Equally, some people may choose not to share their children's achievements widely because they are the child's achievements to share.

And others may choose not to share because they are aware that some of their friends are only interested in their friends' children's achievements because they offer a benchmark to compare their own child.

Basecamp65 · 27/12/2020 09:56

Bragging about anything is Crass

Showing pride and joy is not

Its all how you go about it

SilenceIsNoLongerSuspicious · 27/12/2020 09:57

I genuinely like to hear about my friends’ children and their successes and achievements - so it’s not true that very one finds it dull.

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2020 10:05

SilenceIsNoLongerSuspicious
Would you find it dull if instead of 'DC made the cross country team and they're doing an event this weekend' you were subjected to a blow by blow account of how great DC's times are, how the coach personally contacted her to say how brilliant her child is, that obviously DC was first pick because they're so much faster than everyone else, DC is a natural, then a full breakdown of DC's training?

The first is sharing achievements. The second is bragging and is dull.

SilenceIsNoLongerSuspicious · 27/12/2020 10:17

Lola Of course - I think most people would. But I’m entirely happy with hearing how dc did in their violin exam or 11+ results or how they’ve made the team in their sport and what that means in terms of extra training etc. Even about which reading band they’re on, though I wouldn’t know which was which, but I could make positive comments. I’ve never had what you describe, and I’ve had to ask to find out about what I describe - which I think is down to people not wanting to brag. But I don’t see it as bragging and I do genuinely find it interesting.

Anon778833 · 27/12/2020 10:31

With respect, @Xenia, the one thing you are notorious for on Mn is banging on about your privately-educated children.

Grin
OP posts: