Is it a British thing to think that bragging about your ‘advanced’ child is crass?

[Anon778833]

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

I’m Asian, my siblings and I all did very well at school, we were really pushed hard and A and A* grades were expected.

My father made sure everyone knew how we were doing at school, including his poor customers (taxi driver).

I haven’t grown up with talking about your childs achievements being taboo/braggy. I do brag about some of his achievements, especially as he had a crap start, but I value both his academic achievements and his emotional achievements etc. But I’m not over the top, and I wouldn’t do it at an innapropriate time, like the parent in our Whatsapp group who brags about little Jonny when another parent posts about their own child struggling.

Bragging about anything is intensely crass and BORING for the listener.

I think though that part of it is that I have yet to come across someone who has boasted about how brilliant their dc is, whose dc is anything above bright but not exceptionally so.

At the younger age, there is an aspect that from that tiny baby who did nothing, who suddenly says a sentence less than 2 years later, it can seem amazing... as their parent.
Most young "genii" I've come across go into that category. That parents are just amazed with what they can do.

Then add the ones that are heavily interested in one thing, and so can come out with information that seems amazing for their years. If you spend the time talking about numbers and giving great enthusiasm every time they count, they'll learn it quickly.
Ds was interested in planes from an early age. I believe when his form went for a school trip round Brooklands the volunteer who was meant to be taking his group round, ended up letting him do most of the talking, because they said he knew as much as him-who had volunteered there for 15 years. Take a child and give them an interest and they can absorb knowledge like a sponge. Doesn't make them a genius. Just wish ds was as interested in... well almost anything he does at school.

On the words front I remember someone I knew wanting to put a complaint in about their health visitor. They went for a 2 year check, and the HV asked about their dc "do they say 50 words?"
She replied "I think he's going to be a genius, he says nearly 120!"
Apparently the midwife didn't recognise the amazingness of this.

You also get people who are comparing how they did with their dc's ability. Dm is a maths teacher and she met someone one time while waiting for an appointment who, after finding that out, spent the next half an hour raving about how their dc, secondary school age, was a genius at maths, which was fantastic as they'd always struggled. Dm nodded and listened without saying much. As the other lady was called she lent over to dm and said in confidential tones. "I don't like to boast too much, but I knew he was brilliant at maths when I found he'd got into the third set. And there are eight sets! They think he'll get a C!"

If you've always found something hard, you admire it in others. I think that increases when it's your dc.

@17days

Are there cultures where bragging about your child is not crass? Surely bragging is crass by its very definition?

In a lot of Asian cultures bragging about your childs achievements is seen as normal everyday conversation, but then so is asking what people earn etc. People will also say you are fat, look ill etc.

Pussy footing is not a thing.

In a lot of Asian cultures bragging about your childs achievements is seen as normal everyday conversation, but then so is asking what people earn etc. People will also say you are fat, look ill etc

Yeah I guess so.

Anyway OP, I certainly don't think not bragging is a British thing. I think it's a thing in many many places around the world.

*specifically a British thing I meant to say

See, I would only ever celebrate my kids achievements with family members. Because, to me I can’t see why anyone else would be interested no matter how clever they are or otherwise.

@Refractory

My upper-middle class friends never really discuss their kids - it really is a middle-class pastime.

Upper middle class😂😂

The only time we chat about how the kids are doing in our friendship group is either congratulating each other's kids if a school award has been publicised in a newsletter, chat about 11 plus or if someone is worried about something.

Absolutely no way would anyone ever brag or big their kids up. If anything we'd be more likely to play things down, I think.

I was in a position recently where a friend who's child isn't awfully academic actively questioned me on what reading level my son is on. I cringed so hard! I felt like I was lying if I said I didn't know but then felt shit saying it as knew their DD struggles - like why set yourself up like that?

I really don't know why anyone would brag - surely they feel icky about it afterwards??!!

It's not unique to the British, it's also very much in NZ. I have two kids that have been confirmed as outstanding, but I'd never shout from the rooftops about it, not over there, and not over here.

As much as anything, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on them, but also, I'm very much acutely aware that they might be smarter than the average bear, but there's even smarter little bears out there. . .

It is best not to show off in life. Pride comes before a fall as the saying goes.....

"And this is my son the doctor" kind of thing often goes wrong. on the other hand I have no problems saying my son was a postman for 3 years and now delivers food probably to mumsnetters for a living.

Cultures just differ on this.

Dd is Oxbridge material, 6 years ago we didn’t even know if she would make it to the end of her education years alive due to many mental health disabilities, she is officially twice exceptional

I am utterly in awe of her, it’s been a hell of a journey and we’ve lost most friends and family en route so I have no one left to brag to

Dd may yet just decide to go to our very local uni and if she does that will still be an amazing achievement for her

But finally she has started to believe in herself and that in itself is definitely worth bragging about

My DS is off the charts brilliant. At just 3, he speaks five languages, has been reading chapter books for a year and is starting a distance maths degree soon. I'm afraid, cute as they are, he leaves all your normal toddlers in the shade .

But I'm far too kind to point this out to you. Instead, when he explains dark matter or how electricity works, my stock response is "children are so annoying, aren't they? Always chattering and asking questions. What I wouldn't give for some peace and quiet!"

Bragging is distasteful because nobody wants to hear anyone gloating or droning on about their precious child at any opportunity. It's even more insufferable when they insist on making reference to other children to make sure everyone knows how much better their child is (and by default make sure everyone knows that their child is so brilliant because they have the world's most super awesomest parent ever).

Most people have absolutely no issue with hearing nice things about children's achievements.

The way to tell if someone is a boastful parent is if they see a thread about bragging and reply something to the effect of "so nobody should every say anything nice about their child... nobody should ever be proud of their children".

@ktp100 maybe she was asking for a reason. My DC is quite obviously way behind on reading but all school keep saying is "she will get there". The reading level conversation has actually been quite helpful for me to realise how ehind she was and therefore push school to stop fobbing the issue off.

Certainly families i know in the uk actually take the piss out of their own and other's children for daring to do well. It's quite nasty. No wonder anyone with outperforming children tends to keep quiet. Tall poppy syndrome is quite vicious

The reading levels are inconsequential in the end but everyone fixates on them in the moment. Complete nightmare.

Bragging is pointless because no one is interested in your kids other than close family. I find friends who have kids the same age are only interested in comparisons so avoid discussions about DC achievements.

Agree with mbosnz - you definitely wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) shout about it here, either.

I say ‘shouldn’t’ because bragging is not a great quality. Being proud of your child is healthy and normal and absolutely lovely.

There is nothing lovely about bragging.

Besides, for every kid who’s doing amazingly well, there are 30-odd (or probably more) who aren’t, and it’s those kids - and possibly even their parents - who’s feelings need to be considered a bit more than the ones who sail through school, continually being recognised and acknowledged.

Nobody feels better for being on the receiving end of bragging.

It isn't socially acceptable to be either bright or rich. I don't know why really. Someone once said that people shouldn't tell others of their offsprings' achievements, because it will be seen as boasting and might make the listener feel inadequate.
Another way of looking at it, is that the listener is not being a true friend if they get jealous, and can't congratulate the person who is telling them about the achievements.
I don't see why 'telling' someone about a child's achievements is automatically labelled 'bragging.'
It isn't called bragging when talking about a child's difficulties, so why should it be called bragging when talking about a child who is doing well?

It's considered bad form to brag about children and talk about personal finances.

However there are people who may be pleased, excited and want to share something about an achievement their child has made; when they do, people are scathing and jealous behind their backs, accusing them of boasting when they were not. I saw that happen sometimes at work. I never talked about mine at all.

I would think it bad manners to brag about your child’s achievements. It’s also tedious to listen and feign interest in.

26Mumski45 Bragging is pointless because no one is interested in your kids other than close family.
In my experience, even close family are dismissive of one of my grandchildren's achievements.
I don't tell anyone who isn't close family.

I only have one friend who brags about her child's ability. It does grate on me because she compares him against my daughter who is the same age and her strengths lie in other areas. My friend can also afford to send her son to private school, so he has been going since nursery, and I cannot afford to send my daughter so he already has somewhat of a head start. Do I care there is an educational difference between them? No. I'm more than aware that different people have different strengths and weaknesses so will tread different paths. Just get bored of the 'oh my son will do x,y,z whereas your daughter won't have the opportunity'.

@Tomnooktoldmeto your Dd sounds immense, and that is not a 'bragging' but a proud parent, and so you should be. I imagine it has been incredibly tough over the years. I wish your DD all the best.

It isn't socially acceptable to be either bright or rich. I don't know why really.
It's perfectly fine to be either.
It's not socially acceptable to brag about either and many people who are bright and/or rich wouldn't do it as they have nothing to prove and confident in themselves.

Someone once said that people shouldn't tell others of their offsprings' achievements, because it will be seen as boasting and might make the listener feel inadequate
Telling someone about an achievement isn't boasting.
Another way of looking at it, is that the listener is not being a true friend if they get jealous, and can't congratulate the person who is telling them about the achievements.
Sounds like the sort of thing a boaster would say. Who else would think the world is jealous of them and their amazing children?
I don't see why 'telling' someone about a child's achievements is automatically labelled 'bragging.'
It isn't.
It isn't called bragging when talking about a child's difficulties, so why should it be called bragging when talking about a child who is doing well?
Bragging is not talking about an achievement.

So really the TLDR summary of your post is: 'nobody likes smart people or rich people and people hate us even TALKING about our children'.