Is it a British thing to think that bragging about your ‘advanced’ child is crass?

[Anon778833]

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

Yess to brag about a child is crass. It,s not fare on the child either. Puts pressure on them. They may be good in some areas but often not in every area. It,s almost like your looking down on others.

@17days

The definition of bragging is to be boastful, showing excessive pride and a sense of superiority. So I'd imagine it's considered crass in most places.

In the US, parents used to have bumper stickers that said “My child is an honor student” - meaning their kid was in the top tier academically. In the US it is way more socially acceptable to talk about your kids achievements and isn’t considered as negatively. The fact that you say it is necessarily negative makes me think that you must be British! 😂

I grew up in South Africa abs there it is also not as frowned upon to tell your friends about your kids’ achievements. It would be akin to telling your friends here that you are excited that you got a new job - could be seen as Bragg but more likely to be seen as relevant news.

Zaffa that is more to do with the curriculum. They may tick more of theboxes in 0-11 but not in 11-20 or visa versa. I always just say to parents it,s only based on what we see at nursery and children may be diffeernt at home.

Something I try to do is to tell parents when I've noticed their child do well. I mean we're talking 3yos here but even so I think it gives parents a boost and a chance to be publicly "proud" without running the risk of being accused of "bragging". So when one of my DD's little friends has been particularly kind, or said something clever/funny, or shown thoughtfulness when I've been the only one watching I always try to mention it to their mum/dad. I think it's nice to see your kids positively through other people's eyes, especially in the oddly child-bearing culture we have in the UK!

Bragging is seen as “crass” because it can put others down indirectly, make others feel worse about themselves. So it is best to keep quiet about money and DC’s achievements, as others may not be as fortunate. It is about empathy towards others.

It is always best to only open up to others with similar DC/finances, for example when comparing school or uni choices or financial investment options/house purchases etc.

My 4 kids were all hyperlexic, started reading by 3 and there were so many people who would question their level/interrogate constantly. It was so awkward!

To be honest I find posting endless good stuff on Facebook braggy too though. So the internet culture will invariably make us more braggy as a nation.

Going to Oxbridge isn’t that big a deal. And if it is made into a big deal it can actually really harm a person as expectations and pressure can become too high. Not everyone who went to oxbridge will become successful just as many who don’t go, often by choice, are very successful.

*child hating, not child-bearing!!

Prior to lockdown after pta meetings we would go to a coffee shop and have great fun kicking each other under the table every time three of the parents bragged about their children. They just couldn’t help themselves it was amusing.

It’s very crass. A child who is brilliant and excels doesn’t need any bragging on their behalf whatsoever.

But if you have a child with special needs or a disability you realise that nothing can be taken for granted. I am immensely proud of the smallest things that my DD is able to do.

I'm sure it's impossible for me not to speak those thoughts sometimes.

All of those of you with normally developing/able children will never realise how lucky they and you are. Perhaps you should allow yourselves to be proud - whether it's out loud or inside your head.

@SugarbabyMilly

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

I think the UK is pretty rife with them tbh. And yes it is crass.

My mum taught me about not bragging when I got my o level results.
In your first example, this was my mum not bragging about me (ok I’m not oxbridge material by any stretch of the imagination ) but she never bragged about me, while my friends mum was constantly bragging about her dd and how clever she was. When I got better o levels than my friend my mum was quietly really proud of me, while friends mum when suddenly very quiet.

When dc1 was in reception we had the fb post about how well pfb’s were doing in whatever high reading group, funnily enough though my slightly behind dc1 in reception had caught up and overtaken them by year 2.

Yes its crass to brag, just let and encourage your dc to do their best in what they are good at, everyone is different.

@Elephant4 I for one would be very happy to hear you ‘brag’ or want to talk about your DC precious achievements and progress, it’s heart warming.

The kind of bragging I was talking about is completely different.

The mums who brag about dc being amazing usually have lovely but average dc but take only the nice bits from parents evening. Dd1 is very bright academically (common sense is a whole different issue). I never mentioned it to other parents because they would be saying “dd is so clever with a reading age of 11 at 8!” Which sounds great but me saying “my DD’s reading age is 16 at 8” would have just made me sound like a prick so instead I say “ah fab, sounds like she’s doing really well.” Mine you, at primary dd never got certificates even when she got 100% in her sats for English and greater depth in the other Sats. Luckily her secondary is great at actually celebrating academic achievements so finally she’s getting some recognition. At primary, the boy who managed not to swear at the teacher for a week got the certificates most terms.

@Elephant4

But if you have a child with special needs or a disability you realise that nothing can be taken for granted. I am immensely proud of the smallest things that my DD is able to do.

I'm sure it's impossible for me not to speak those thoughts sometimes.

All of those of you with normally developing/able children will never realise how lucky they and you are. Perhaps you should allow yourselves to be proud - whether it's out loud or inside your head.

Too true @Elephant4 ds1 has Sen but has had to deal with stuff other kids couldn’t even imagine, yet he still keeps going/trying. His achievements will always (to me if no one else) be far bigger than some naturally talented child who made it to naice university.

People celebrating the milestones their children with SEN make is not bragging. I have two kids with autism so I’m completely understanding of that perspective.

I mean people who have a 1 year old and they keep telling everyone they’re a genius because they’ve got 10 animals sounds. I think when you’ve got 4 children like I have it’s boring anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

OK - sorry I misunderstood. @DfEisashambles

I probably know what sort of bragging you mean. I have one normally developing child - but none of the people we mix with ever brag. People may mention that their child has done well in exams or gone to a certain University. But it's mentioned. Not laboured or bragged about.

I think knowing how proud I am of DD's very small (in other people's eyes) achievements I actually find it heart warming (sorry I stole your word) when others are proud of their kids.

I grew up with parents who were not at all proud ever. It's so much better for parents to appreciate and have pride for their children - than not.

Some are pushy - yes. But not that many surely. Maybe I just mix in the wrong circles to see this.

God, some of these posts bring back memories of my own dd2 being at a (prep) school and the ultra competitive parents who were always talking about which book box their child was on in reception. That was sooooooo dull 🙄

I think saying I am so bround my child has got this grade or that grade is fine. Saying Oh they are soo clever you know is not fine.

@JacobReesMogadishu

There is someone I know who on fb literally never posts anything apart from about her kids achievements. Literally never anything else. Which is sad.

So over the years I’ve seen a full run down of every parents evening, summary of every end of year report (with accompanying photo evidence), every judo belt, every exam grade, university offers.

But never a post about anything else at all, quite sad.

Maybe she doesn't value herself at all. I don't use fb now but I'd rarely post about me, it'd be too attention seeking and dull.

@Elephant4

But if you have a child with special needs or a disability you realise that nothing can be taken for granted. I am immensely proud of the smallest things that my DD is able to do.

I'm sure it's impossible for me not to speak those thoughts sometimes.

All of those of you with normally developing/able children will never realise how lucky they and you are. Perhaps you should allow yourselves to be proud - whether it's out loud or inside your head.

But this is the thing - if my (normally developing) child has done something that may be ever-so-slightly-advanced for their age group, what is the point of bragging about it? Yay, my child learned to walk at 9 months!* So fucking what?

Whereas for my cousin who has a disabled child , when his child learned to walk, we were all very impressed and made a fuss because that was a recognition of the many, many hours my cousin and his child spent teaching/learning that skill. That's far more commendable, in my book.

*as an example. My child didn't actually learn to walk at 9 months.

I can see why telling the world your child achieved 4 A’s in their exams/got a place in a grammar school for example, and you’re so proud, would be considered boasting by some.

Equally though, some people are competitive so wouldn’t like to hear of the above achievements and would declare is crass, because there’s a level of competitiveness in them that would like the same for their child

I know some parents like this - it does get tedious doesn’t it? I nod and smile and say how amazing their child is - all while never saying a thing about My own - and if anyone asks - I just says they’re doing alright. None of their business and I find it quite crass to go on about how amazingly superior your child is.

@LolaSmiles what your son did is amazing and I’d be happy to hear about it at a coffee morning - that really is admirable and you’d be right to be proud.

There’s usually a fine line, most people with common sense will be able to tell when a parent is genuinely excited which comes from a place of joy not because a person wants to constantly brag and imply their child is better than anyone else’s.

@TableFlowerssy.

Being proud of them by the time they are 18 and have already achieved 4 ‘A’s is fine imho. It’s the parents who brag about their precious ones knowing Einstein’s theory of relativity at 2 years old ( ok so I exaggerate 😄)(but only a bit) that make you 🙄

zaffa Children can present differently at nursery and at home. I remember being told that DC was did somethingat nursery and I'd never seen it at home, and the other way round.

I'm impressed you're getting weekly reports. We get informal chats at pickup. If you were worried then you could absolutely call for a conversation. I know our nursery always says to keep them updated on progress at home so they can support development.

The mums who brag about dc being amazing usually have lovely but average dc but take only the nice bits from parents evening
That is my experience too.

[quote Justgivemewine]@TableFlowerssy.

Being proud of them by the time they are 18 and have already achieved 4 ‘A’s is fine imho. It’s the parents who brag about their precious ones knowing Einstein’s theory of relativity at 2 years old ( ok so I exaggerate 😄)(but only a bit) that make you 🙄[/quote]
I totally agree but some would still stay it’s bragging

I also agree of the ‘my two year old can recite Shakespeare’ is 🤨 a lot can change between 2 and 16!

But the grammar school ‘brag’ is different as not every child could pass the test no matter how hard they tried.

@iceywarm was that in a state school? My experience in state school (I went to a mix of state and private) was that the teachers never want the kids to do too well. They don’t want anyone to fall behind either but they really can’t stand any kids “getting above their station”, unless the teacher themselves went to oxbridge. I think it’s an insecurity thing.

At private school I found it to be completely different - the teachers loved it when anyone showed a particular aptitude or passion for any specific subject and would really encourage it.