Is it a British thing to think that bragging about your ‘advanced’ child is crass?

[Anon778833]

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

DD is only one but I absolutely celebrate all her achievements. Every time she does something new or does something I think is clearly amazing (like figuring out how to make that pssswssssswssss noise to call the cat) I am so so proud of her because she amazes me.
I don't post it all over Facebook etc but I am her biggest cheerleader and she absolutely knows that (as do my family) and I don't care if that is seen as bragging by other people. I think that says a lot about their own insecurities instead of hers, there's lots of stuff she can't do that her peers can (like walking) but I don't worry overly much of other people talking about their baby walking or how early they did it etc. I wouldn't ever approach people just to list all the things she can do but I also don't hold back if we are discussing things.
I didn't grow up in the UK though so perhaps that's why.

@SugarbabyMilly, your question being, is it a BRITISH thing

As a non brit, I would say yes.

I learnt pretty quickly that you can’t talk about your dcs doing well wo getting side looks.
Sports is better but ime, it has to be football/rugby/cricket. Do the same with tennis and horse riding and again you get ‘looks’.

In my home country, I can talk about how well dc is doing or that he did and it will be celebrated.
Imo there is a lot linked to ‘bettering yourself’ and ‘being above your station’, all of which is linked to the class system.

I think the general consensus is it is best to keep things to ourselves or share with family who are interested.

If anyone asks, "Oh yes, did quite well", and change subject.

Mine did quite well :-) (not all the time).

I have a son in year 13 and so do many of our friends so invariably there are discussions as to where their children will be attending university. Accordingly I've clunked champagne glasses with many teenagers I've known since they were in short pants and it's been amazing discussing their intended majors and so on and getting to know them again as adults. I adore this.

It's really not the same as talking non-stop about your children from the point at which they start reading.

It’s so boring to listen to the parents bragging about their children. As equally boring as the ones who say their children are not “bright”.
I tell my child that she’s smart and let her make her own choices (within reason) and build her self confidence. I would never be telling my friends how amazing she is. It’s dull. Each child is amazing and should be respected for it.
I did well academically and hated when my teachers always praised me publicly as my family as it felt like I was not allowed to slack off. I am too harsh to myself because of it and always think I need to do better.

I post on social media and say how proud I am of my children, for example I might say how proud I am of them for doing so well in their exams but I never say what grades they got, nobody except me and their teachers knows that. In one subject I might be proud of a grade 4, in others it might be a 6 but that's not something that I'd share with my real name to it.

It’s a a bizarre thing I’ve noticed in ds schools (prep then private high school)

I think a mc/umc thing children’s achievements played down, wealth is played down (near poverty is rife in ds school ) and absolutely no one admits to having a tutor

Except those who don’t really get the unspoken rules like myself and a few others (from different backgrounds)

And yes I boast about my sons achievements to anyone who will listen why the hell not

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Brits don’t brag really about anything, we’re very much a self deprecating society, it’s why we make the best comedy shows.

God forbid we ever discover bumper stickers like ;My child is an honor student at Blankety Blank High School'.

@LolaSmiles
I’ll give you an example.

Dc1 has always had a keen interest in science. In Y5, he decided to write a whole 2 pages about radioactivity and what it is (think what is the nucleus made of and how is a radioactive wave created). This was GCSE/A level stuff.
I didn’t teach him that. He did that himself.

In my eyes, this is a great acheivement but there is no way I would have been able to say that to anyone. I would have been accused of bragging/pushing my child when not needed etc....
So yes there is an issue in England (can’t say for Scotland etc...) about not been able to celebrate ALL sucesses because some of them are seeing as ‘bragging’ and should be hidden

Maybe not everyone wants to go to Oxbridge.

I think that many Britons, the correct word by the way, dislike success in others, ask Andy Murray and Lewis Hamilton for starters, most countries would be over the moon to have their citizens doing to well amd celebrate their achievements.

@SOmuchsparkle

Maybe not everyone wants to go to Oxbridge.

Especially the ones who fail to get in!

My suspicion is that one's kids are boring to everyone except close family and (very) close friends. I also believe that the adage “ pride comes before a fall” is especially pertinent to parenting. So I keep it brief. Also, there’s so much anxiety around parenting and education that I think it can be unfair to boast about ones own kids. But a lot of middle class brits, probably me included, have perfected the humblebrag.

In my eyes, this is a great acheivement but there is no way I would have been able to say that to anyone. I would have been accused of bragging/pushing my child when not needed etc....
So yes there is an issue in England (can’t say for Scotland etc...) about not been able to celebrate ALL sucesses because some of them are seeing as ‘bragging’ and should be hidden

Maybe it's because I'm painfully British but I don't see the problem here? Who did you think would benefit from you telling anyone about this particular piece of schoolwork, and who apart from your DS needed to know that you were proud of him for it? I guess I just don't see any loss here.

I agree. I think the classic British way is probably preferable to flaunting your wealth and perfect family. Although I think that is creeping into British life.

This is probably going to get me flamed and also (ironically) accused of bragging about myself, but I've found that there's usually an inverse relationship between the parent's own academic achievements and how much they show off about their children. I heard a lot of bragging about baby/toddler 'achievements' (some of which were absolutely ridiculous, e.g. competition over who crawled or even cut a tooth first!) at local baby groups but none at work, where everyone has a PhD; I do think that if you're pretty secure in your own achievements you're less likely to invest heavily in how many words your child says at 18 months as a sign of genius. The worst person for this I know for this is a wife of a friend who is determined to 'prove' that her son is cleverer than mine of the same age and it's so painfully clear that it's her own insecurity over the fact that she's the only one in the social circle who didn't go to university (which no one cares about or ever brings up except her!)

@Hardbackwriter

This is probably going to get me flamed and also (ironically) accused of bragging about myself, but I've found that there's usually an inverse relationship between the parent's own academic achievements and how much they show off about their children. I heard a lot of bragging about baby/toddler 'achievements' (some of which were absolutely ridiculous, e.g. competition over who crawled or even cut a tooth first!) at local baby groups but none at work, where everyone has a PhD; I do think that if you're pretty secure in your own achievements you're less likely to invest heavily in how many words your child says at 18 months as a sign of genius. The worst person for this I know for this is a wife of a friend who is determined to 'prove' that her son is cleverer than mine of the same age and it's so painfully clear that it's her own insecurity over the fact that she's the only one in the social circle who didn't go to university (which no one cares about or ever brings up except her!)

I totally don't get the tooth thing - I can't understand how that is something to brag about. I mean it's just biology surely - your baby hasn't done anything to actively achieve teething! Maybe it's because DD cut all of hers so far on cue but all I ever think when we get another tooth is how much more misery we will have for xx number of weeks while it comes through - not any sort of pride that she has teethed early or anything.

I dont think anyone really cares about your child's academic achievements except for close family.

I find the anti-bragging culture of the UK infects schoolteachers as well, leading them to be hugely reluctant to tell you if your child is seriously advanced in anything. A child I know has a parent who is a mathematician and is both clearly gifted at maths herself, as well as benefiting high-level tuition at home - but her primary school teacher still says stuff like 'yes she's doing very well, exactly at the level we'd expect for the year' . This kid must be at least 5 years ahead of her peers, if not more!!! Teachers are often equally reluctant to tell you just how behind a child is - 'oh I'm sure they'll catch up', even though they are years behind and really struggling with basic concepts. Cynically, it's like they don't want the bother that comes with dealing with children who are either really ahead or really behind...

Immensely frustrating - my kids fall on both sides of this divide so I get it both ways. I come from a culture that tells it straight, and it's much more relaxing!

I agree that the tooth thing is particularly bizarre - I mean, I think the link between baby milestones and adult intelligence is generally looser than a lot of people seem to think, but that one is clearly irrelevant! But I heard loads of 'oh, she's so advanced, cut her first tooth at four months'

A child I know has a parent who is a mathematician and is both clearly gifted at maths herself, as well as benefiting high-level tuition at home - but her primary school teacher still says stuff like 'yes she's doing very well, exactly at the level we'd expect for the year' confused. This kid must be at least 5 years ahead of her peers, if not more!!!

I suspect that the teacher knows the child is 'getting high-level tuition at home' and doesn't really want to encourage the parent to push any further than they already are.

I think it's quite British to think any bragging is crass. Mainly because it is.

Once you get on the truly gifted you keep quiet as it can be a double edged saw.
Sometimes what they gain in one area means they struggle in another.

Some kids genuinely don’t turn out to be Oxbridge material until they get into the sixth form. Others it’s more obvious from the get go.

Of all the bright kids in the UK, you’d don’t know which ones will actually want to knuckle down and put in the graft to get into and indeed enjoy being at Oxbridge.

The U.K. has got much more competitive and much more braggy than it used to be. No-one had tutoring in the 70s and 80s, there weren’t league tables, education was much more laid back.

On another note, the class myths that people have on internet are as entertaining as they are inaccurate.