Is it a British thing to think that bragging about your ‘advanced’ child is crass?

[Anon778833]

You get people who say nothing about their child’s achievements. And then suddenly at 18, oh it turns out he’s oxbridge material. So they literally act like they knew nothing about it!

Then on the other end of the scale are people who brag about how many words their 1 year old has. But I think the U.K. has less of these! Thoughts?

The U.K. has got much more competitive and much more braggy than it used to be. No-one had tutoring in the 70s and 80s, there weren’t league tables, education was much more laid back.
But unfortunately part of this is because you don't just get into/have a good chance of getting into Oxbridge because you go to the right school now. Private schools used to be ropey in places (a lot failed their first Ofsted's on things like not being legally compliant in their boarding houses).
And everyone has become more obsessed with qualifications, and which uni especially as a much greater percentage get degrees. In the 80s it was just a small percentage (my old Uni used to have abot 7000 students as was seen as big, it now has 20000+).
The middle classes will fight for their children to achieve, and have the resources to do so.

And my children are all "bright" but have all chosen unconventional paths, and even the one with real Oxbridge potential is probably going a different route. But then the world is changing and who knows what we will need in the future.

I don't think children should be told they are gifted, talented, or how far advanced they are, especially if exceptionally gifted.
I feel so strongly about this and if any parents had been through what my dh and I have, you'd agree.
It's ok to tell them they are good at something or even a bit beyond their age, but to let them know they are exceptional and to follow a path of a specialised unique custom built education just screws them up.

Tell your family if they are interested. If they are at school and gifted make sure you acknowledge other peoples kids that do well too. Or those that don't put try hard.
There's nothing great about being gifted.

I’ll give you an example.

Dc1 has always had a keen interest in science. In Y5, he decided to write a whole 2 pages about radioactivity and what it is (think what is the nucleus made of and how is a radioactive wave created). This was GCSE/A level stuff.
I didn’t teach him that. He did that himself.

In my eyes, this is a great acheivement but there is no way I would have been able to say that to anyone. I would have been accused of bragging/pushing my child when not needed etc....
It sounds fascinating. As ever with sharing things about children, context is key. If you're talking with friends about what your children have been up to, and you said 'DC is loving science at the moment. He impressed me the other day after finding out about radioactivity. I was amazed' then that wouldn't be bragging in any way. It would be a parent rightly sharing something good their child did.

If the focus was on how your son is so super advanced and he is already working at A Level standard in science, he wrote several pages on (insert lengthy summary of the content) and you just know he's gifted' then that would be bragging and would understandably be seen as a bit meh.

Anyone with any sense knows from the first (totally lovely) sharing situation that his interest and skill is advanced so any parent who did the second (not referring to you explanation here btw ) would be mainly doing it to brag.

There seems to be confusion over sharing something nice vs bragging, with lots of people convinced that everyone is either jealous of them/their child, or hates intelligent people.

I often read posts on here and can picture what the poster would probably be like on parents' evening. For example, I've been aggressively challenged about why I put a child working below standard when 'they were working at GCSE in year 6'. It turns out that they hadn't done any GCSE work in year 6, nor had they mastered the required content or skills. They'd read A Christmas Carol, been to see a production and the parents had nurtured their child's interest, which are all great things and their child's knowledge of Dickens was higher than their peers', but it didn't warrant bragging about being so bright they were doing GCSE aged 10.

God forbid we ever discover bumper stickers like ;My child is an honor student at Blankety Blank High School'

But it's the best, the very best, school in the country. My DCs are living their best life there.

WRT the advanced mathematician with mathematical parents, surely in that case the surprise would be if the child was a complete dunce at maths? And there will be a difference between what an engaged parent talks about to their child vs the column addition and subtractions that are taught at school. So according to the school curriculum, the child is doing well and especially in maths there are many, many children who get maths and can easily ace maths SATs etc with no effort.

I also think it’s far easier to be “gifted” these days - hand any motivated child an iPad and they have far more information at their fingertips than I had as a university student.

Just wondering where you are from OP?

The way you position your original post sounds like you aren't in/from UK?

Bragging about anything is crass isn't it?
I only brag about my children to my parents because they're even more besotted with them than I am. To everyone else they're just normal kids - I'd look like a pillock if I bored on about them and so I don't.

My DS is ordinary, naughty and seems to have an aptitude for communicating via the media. He was not highly praised at any stage in school, but it wasn't part of the assessment.

I don't think it's a class thing necessarily (I've been thinking alot about it and used to think it was).
I think most of the time it's parents that base their worth on their child's achievements. It comes from insecurity, to add to a weak self image.
There would be no need for boasting otherwise.
My mum put huge expectations on me as as child and I probably achieved 'average' which was no mean feat with my disability and her harsh criticism.
She was brought up badly which had a huge influence.

Even more strange in this country is the allocation of the title of 'gifted and talented' to children while still in primary school.

Education is a marathon not a sprint. So many children who will never be as clever as they were in primary school. Yet it is teachers who implement this ridiculous scheme. Plus it is so inflexible. Our secondary school system allocates GCSE predicted grades based on primary school year 6 SATs in 3 subjects (at least one of which, science, is barely taught in some primaries). Whereas so much changes between year 6 and year 11, let alone year 13.

Ditch the gifted and talented crap in primary school, focus on secondary school and aim higher in the long run.

@TatianaBis well you sound extremely realistic and measured. I don't think it is hero-worship to find one's kids amazing - like anything you spend a lot of time on it becomes interesting on its own terms. I mean yeast is a naturally occurring and extremely normal phenomenon, but your hobbyist baker or brewer can get extremely fascinated by it to the point it can seem extremely amazing! Doesn't mean they think yeast is god, or heroic - just bloody fascinating!

And yes this can make your hobbyist baker/brewer (and indeed your infatuated new parent) extremely dull at dinner parties 😉

I would not brag about my kids being Oxford material because it’s one thing being good enough to just apply (as many do) and quite another getting and meeting an offer from Oxbridge.

I learned quickly not to brag about my daughter she talked very fast slept through the night consistently from two months old yes she could be a little swine but everyone was focused on getting sleep and how many words the children were saying my mantra for public health visitor meet ups was "I have no concerns" "she is within normal limits" then she began asking for drinks in public other children yelling juice and screaming my daughter crawling around saying drink please juice please milk please clear as a bell

They woukd have lynched me if they found out she slept well and ate all her vegetables

Even more strange in this country is the allocation of the title of 'gifted and talented' to children while still in primary school
Gifted and talented labels haven't been used in years anywhere I've known. In fact the only people I know who use them are parents of bright, but not exceptionally bright, children.

Schools typically have a more able or highly able list that is used internally based on prior attainment, but generally this information isn't shared with pupils or parents. It also tends to recognise aptitudes in different subjects.

On here there seems to be countless parents being told by teachers that their child is gifted, the most exceptional reader they've ever seen, is a genius, the most beautiful performer that's ever been in the school. It's quite unlike anything I've seen and I've worked with some brilliantly able and talented students. I'm in secondary though.

I think it depends how you do it. I put gushing (hopefully not braggy) posts on SM sometimes about my kids and I know I go on and on to grandparents about them or aunties who genuinely are interested and as invested as me. But I would never talk endlessly about how affectionate and loving my baby was to the friend who's son is autistic and has never smiled at her yet. Or brag about all my preteens dance trophies to the friend who's daughter is massively overweight and has awful mental health issues. That's whats crass. My just-2yo has a speech delay but is making fantastic progress in private speech therapy which has practically bankrupted us. Weve worried ourselves sick over it this year which the whole family knows. My SIL is constantly going on about how well her 2yo speaks (hes just about average for being almost 3 but obviously a lot better than ours), makes such a point about telling me she thinks he's a maths genius as hes ALREADY counting to 10... thats normal? I often feel like saying yes love but hes still got a nappy, dummy and bottle and hes 3 in two weeks so maybe focus on that instead of bragging about him repeating words? But I wouldn't stoop to her level (to her face )

Neither my husband or I went to uni and have now earnings in the top 20%.
I don’t think that will be a chance our children will have although they have both had the benefit of a state Grammar School.
The parents there don’t brag about their kids, they all do well in their own way.
All said I was might proud when my sons name was put up on the achievement board of his 500 year old school in gold lettering for time immoral, the only time my name was anywhere had the pretext tuna bath was here.🤣🤣🤣

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Brits don’t brag really about anything, we’re very much a self deprecating society, it’s why we make the best comedy shows.

Not tuna bath, let’s run a bath and not now know, Boxing Day drinks🤣🤣🤣

Just want to add, discreet is the way to go IMO.

It's just so dull when people burble on and on in such great detail about how fucking amazing little Gina is at music. Or Oscar being a fucking child prodigy. Or their various swimming badges in infinitesimal detail. For the love of God. I DON'T CARE.

For the record, one of the worst offenders I know is German (not inferring that is the reason btw, I think she's be irritating in whatever nationality). But maybe it is less socially acceptable in the UK, but they do exist - I do keep bumping into these bores.

I've got two kids - eldest an underachiever, youngest has excelled. I'm glad in a way it happened in that order, so I knew to shut the fuck up and play it down when youngest got his stellar GCSEs. It's chastening to hear people boasting ad nauseam when your kids has just scraped passes.It's about being sensitive to others.

There is someone I know who on fb literally never posts anything apart from about her kids achievements. Literally never anything else. Which is sad.

So over the years I’ve seen a full run down of every parents evening, summary of every end of year report (with accompanying photo evidence), every judo belt, every exam grade, university offers.

But never a post about anything else at all, quite sad.

I find this thread very interesting. One of my sisters talks a lot about how bright and exceptional her kids are (I'm not sure if they are or not). I find it hard to even accept compliments about my DD and would never ever say that she is bright or talented or gifted or whatever. I praise her directly but I try and praise effort rather than achievement or a mix of the two because I don't want her to think I'm only happy when she succeeds.

@Juancornetto

Bragging about anything is crass isn't it? I only brag about my children to my parents because they're even more besotted with them than I am. To everyone else they're just normal kids - I'd look like a pillock if I bored on about them and so I don't.

Same. I think my child is the most intelligent, emotionally-aware, and most beautiful child I've ever come across. I'm also aware that, a. I am massively biased and b. most parents think this. Bragging about your child is a dick move, as much as crushing their self-esteem is. Just give them space to grow and try to foster their resilience.

I think it's a really tedious middle-class thing.

Gosh @Refractory you talk of middle class people as if they're scum.

I wonder what you think of working class/lower class people ... I dread to think.

@JacobReesMogadishu

Why do you find it sad? Does she seem unhappy to you? Or just not ticking the boxes which say to you "worthwhile human being"?

@LolaSmiles

I’ll give you an example.

Dc1 has always had a keen interest in science. In Y5, he decided to write a whole 2 pages about radioactivity and what it is (think what is the nucleus made of and how is a radioactive wave created). This was GCSE/A level stuff.
I didn’t teach him that. He did that himself.

In my eyes, this is a great acheivement but there is no way I would have been able to say that to anyone. I would have been accused of bragging/pushing my child when not needed etc....
It sounds fascinating. As ever with sharing things about children, context is key. If you're talking with friends about what your children have been up to, and you said 'DC is loving science at the moment. He impressed me the other day after finding out about radioactivity. I was amazed' then that wouldn't be bragging in any way. It would be a parent rightly sharing something good their child did.

If the focus was on how your son is so super advanced and he is already working at A Level standard in science, he wrote several pages on (insert lengthy summary of the content) and you just know he's gifted' then that would be bragging and would understandably be seen as a bit meh.

Anyone with any sense knows from the first (totally lovely) sharing situation that his interest and skill is advanced so any parent who did the second (not referring to you explanation here btw ) would be mainly doing it to brag.

There seems to be confusion over sharing something nice vs bragging, with lots of people convinced that everyone is either jealous of them/their child, or hates intelligent people.

I often read posts on here and can picture what the poster would probably be like on parents' evening. For example, I've been aggressively challenged about why I put a child working below standard when 'they were working at GCSE in year 6'. It turns out that they hadn't done any GCSE work in year 6, nor had they mastered the required content or skills. They'd read A Christmas Carol, been to see a production and the parents had nurtured their child's interest, which are all great things and their child's knowledge of Dickens was higher than their peers', but it didn't warrant bragging about being so bright they were doing GCSE aged 10.

DD nursery send me weekly observations where they provide framework gradings and insist on grading her in the 0-11 months for communication, even though she is 12 months and they mark her as exceeding in everything. Also she is quite a communicator at home so I assume she is there too. I have to actively bite my tongue to stop from asking why they are grading her in this lower age band especially as she is clearly doing very well in it, but I'm so worried about being one of 'those' parents that I just have to let it go - and keep raising it with DH who may ask them just to shut me up 😂 they mark everything else in 8-20 months even though she can't even pull to stand yet so I'm so confused by it!