To want to leave DH over left overs!

[Theruralrouse]

NC as outing.

Only it’s not just about leftovers. When it comes to my DH I only ever have two options:

Option 1-
Me: (massively micro managing) Right, so Combine the meat products into one bowl and the veggies into another. Make sure to drain all the excess oil/water and cover them then put them straight in the fridge. Ok? You got that? Any questions?
DH: (eye rolling) I know how to pack up leftovers!!!

Option 2-
Me: Can you fridge the leftovers?
DH: yes sure.
next day
Me: (pregnant ugly crying at the uncovered mass of meat/veg soup sat in inches of oil and slop fluid and stinking of the strong smelling other fridge contents) FFS why did you even bother?
DH: (angrily) You just said fridge it. I’m not a mind reader!

It has occurred to me recently that when DH and I met I incorporated how he liked things. I make his food the way he likes, I wash his clothes the way he prefers, I generally do his stuff in line with his preferences. DH does all my stuff his way, unless I remind him every single time. He sees it as ‘no big deal’ and reacts with either angry silence or making out I’m over reacting. He is a wonderful father and provider and I think at this point that’s the only reason we are still together. We have no real relationship.

And I know this being MN I’ll get a handful of posters trot along now like ...’why couldn’t you lock the patio door before you went to bed?’

But honestly why should I spend my life preempting a lazy cba mans incompetence just to keep DS and I safe?

Is it acceptable he’s not capable of simply locking up the house? No

I’d kick him out.

In fact, I had one of these, and did.

It’s utterly exhausting.

@LunaNorth

I wish he wasn’t so ‘nice’ and generally quite kind. If he had a nasty side or even stood up for himself I’d have kicked him out long ago. He just has the demeanour of a puppy being kicked into a muddy puddle. He acts like he’s constantly trying his best and I’m always ‘having a go making out it’s not good enough’.

Like last night he came in and apologised, gave me a nice long foot rub and was generally really nice. I told him it didn’t make things better and I was still unhappy and he just looked sad and went down to watch Tv.

Then I wake up and it’s the next bloody thing he’s done! Patio doors open

I always end up feeling really harsh and ‘well he’s not a bad guy he’s just incompetent’ but honestly
I don’t think I can face having 2 actual babies and an incompetent husband.

Have been on entitled to and figured out I can afford to manage alone (will be very tight but doable).
The big issue is the house, we have capital but it’s largely DH’s money from pre marriage (and a bit we made on the last house).

I suspect we would need to sell. This house is larger than I need/want alone and paying the mortgage would wipe me out. DH probably couldn’t afford another place whilst paying for this one too.

I’m happy to downsize considerably but probably wouldn’t get another mortgage (unless I took 80%+ of the equity due to my part time wage.

Just getting me head around the options.

How long have you been married?

2 years but together 5.

Things were better before children, significantly.

*we both really wanted kids though and adore DS so not a single regret. Just don’t really have a relationship anymore if that makes sense.

I’m not sorry I’m pregnant either I very much want my second baby

5 years married is the tipping point re what you brought in I believe.

I do feel for you, despite my incompatibility with you re leftovers.

I would just have chucked em in the fridge. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why has he got worse since you had your baby? What has got worse?

Surely he must always have been crap at locking up and tubbing leftovers?

*He just has the demeanour of a puppy being kicked into a muddy puddle. He acts like he’s constantly trying his best and I’m always ‘having a go making out it’s not good enough’.
*

Oh my! I can relate to this. Such lovely men but it's really like having the children plus another child

They genuinely try so hard and are utterly inadequate and it drive me fucking nuts

I got rid of my husband and no one could understand why. He's so lovely they said 🙄 and it's true. He is. But ....

Surely he must always have been crap at locking up and tubbing leftovers

Yeah I assume he was but back before kids I just did this stuff myself. What’s changed since having kids is my having much more stuff to do In less time, with much less sleep and needing more help from him. This has caused his incompetence to really shine through!

So you married an incompetent man and expected him to change?

That was never going to happen.

Yeah I assume he was but back before kids I just did this stuff myself. What’s changed since having kids is my having much more stuff to do In less time, with much less sleep and needing more help from him. This has caused his incompetence to really shine through!

You are writing my story

Also, for me, I didn't want to be the bossy in charge controlling wife any more

I was sick and tired of that dynamic - I wanted a partnership

*So you married an incompetent man and expected him to change?

That was never going to happen.*

Perfectly put!

My ex couldn't change. I didn't want to continue being in charge with the inequitable dynamic playing out forever .... so the marriage ended

@Mdmd

Did you not read what I wrote? The incompetence wasn’t noticeable before children because I never really asked him to do a lot. The dynamic of our relationship was completely different.

I didn’t sit there engaged to a man who couldn’t manage simple tasks thinking ‘wow what a catch’ Jesus.

He used to work longer hours than me (both FT but big difference In hours/stress levels) so pre kids it was always ‘I’ll do the shopping on the way home’, ‘I’ll cook dinner’, ‘I’ll do the house jobs’ because that made sense and I liked to keep busy.

Tbh I was lulled into a false sense of security by him holding down such a good job. I mean I honestly thought ‘if he can do that he’s obviously more than capable of normal life jobs’.

Apparently not, apparently I should have made him spend a few weeks solely running the house before marrying him.

I’ve just told him the patio door were open all night, he looked confused before saying ‘oh’

You knew what he was like. You did everything yourself to your standard. That’s what you said.

That suited you both at the time and now it doesn’t.

You’re still doing everything, but there’s more to do and you want him to share the load.

As far as the patio doors, he’s wrong and he should’ve locked them.

But stuff like storing left overs in labelled particular Tupperware - sharing that means sometimes it won’t be done the way you would like and that’s ok.

Control freak vs laid back isn’t a good combination in a marriage.

Did he live on his own before you were living together or did he go straight from home to living with you?

@Mdmd

He did live alone, I don’t know what his standard of living was like. I can only assume he regularly slept with unlocked doors and ran out of food.

I used to laugh at how many take aways he had and occasional lack of toiletries...etc but it was always ‘well there’s just me so I don’t really bother’. I kinda got that as was certainly lazier myself with things like cooking when I lived alone.

I don't normally comment on these threads but here goes.

1. You didn't do enough compatibility testing before you got married
2. You clearly have much higher standards than him.
3. I am not seeing from your posts that you have had a proper conversation with him about stuff.
4. I can't work out if you are serious about leaving or if you exaggerate for effect (throughout the post - see also swimming in oil)

In my relationship we have discussed all this stuff and worked through things. We currently have a system where he does dishwasher and kitchen and I do laundry and more mental load. His system is inefficient and he stacks it up till the kitchen is. Tip. I swallow my opinion on this because I am not in charge of him and my way is not right. I have also developed with him a locking up routine. I explained my dad always did it, and he gets shy I like it. If he forgets he apologizes and we carry on. Sometimes I forget to pick the back door if I go out in the day because I am not perfect

You need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship and if so work at it. In the cold light of day

I can totally empathise OP. My DH sounds quite similar. He has a 'big' job earning ££££ but can't load the washing machine, or make a proper meal for himself/kids. Everything in the house is done his way, not overtly, it's just that we adapt to his way because he won't change. It wouldn't occur to him to change. If he doesn't care about something, it's not on his radar and it can be 'my' way, but if he cares one iota about something, it's his way and that's that.

Like your DH, he is sweet and kind and loving and respectful and generally an absolutely wonderful husband but as time has gone on and our lives have developed these issues have risen to the surface and we've been dealing with them over the past few years. I'm approx 10 years further down the line than you. From my experience:

I firstly began by trying to understand how it had come about and I realised I had been raised to be subtly subservient/accommodating of others but especially men. I've been trying to address this but it's hard as my natural reaction is to please the other person. He was raised never to do anything he didn't want to and at the start of our relationship we had far too many years of me facilitating him and his life, and now I'm trying to undo some of that.

I've been trying to recognise what I do care about and 'putting my foot down' rather than rolling over and living with something I hate. Things like the house decoration and furniture was always DHs taste because he had the final say and I just agreed. I've tried to be much more vocal and proactive about things that matter to me, but not micromanage things that don't matter to me.

DH and I have spoken and I've been extremely honest with him about how I feel. I've told him in no uncertain terms how the 'manchild' thing comes over and how much of a turnoff it is. He has specific jobs now and I try not to get involved and step in to rescue him.

Things have improved a bit, partly by my recognition of the issues and discussion of how I feel rather than just seething rage. He has pulled up his socks a bit too and after some honest chats he knows exactly how I feel and why.

Things can improve OP but they may not. I can only recommend really honest communication and hopefully you can face this as a team.

He seems to have morphed from having angry overreactions to being a puppy in a puddle since your OP... From your latest description he now just sounds like a complete wet lettuce. Which is it though?

If he’s defensively minimising a crap effort at anything that’s ‘for you’ whilst having his own list of exacting standards for laundry, meals etc then you have a proper case to argue against him obviously being in the wrong here and asking him to be more fair in his behaviour.

If you’ve married an utterly incompetent fool because he had a good job and now just can’t stick it anymore then you’re facing different choices I’d say, because he’s unlikely to be capable of change.

@greenspacesoverthere

Yeah I assume he was but back before kids I just did this stuff myself. What’s changed since having kids is my having much more stuff to do In less time, with much less sleep and needing more help from him. This has caused his incompetence to really shine through!

You are writing my story

Also, for me, I didn't want to be the bossy in charge controlling wife any more

I was sick and tired of that dynamic - I wanted a partnership

Yep, mine too. It came through loudest and strongest after the initial period post birth of DS2. It only got worse. I was really responsible for everything. He faffed around in the background and got increasingly reliant on me, as I was manoevred into the position of deciding everything not only about the DC but also about his life. I had an extra child. And a belligerent one at that. One that often descended to bed because he was 'tired'. I was exhausted and it seemed I was engaged in a tiredness competition with someone who didn't do much. Eventually I left him and my life is so much better. These may seem little things now but eventually they mean you are doing everything and the bitterness pervades. I would suggest planning carefully to ensure if you do eventually see it getting worse you are not in a weak financial position to make choices.

What @charlieclown said.

You need to talk to him.

Me and my boyfriend don’t live together (for work reasons) but when we are together we have worked out a system.

He likes his work uniform ironed a particular way. My ironing is slapdash at best. He does his own uniform. In fact, he does all the ironing. If I HAD to do his ironing I’d be super careful.

I’m a better cook. But my untidiness disturbs him. He sucks it up and I try to be a bit tidier.

He leaves my towels alone. That’s my thing. They have to be put away in a particular way and he knows this now. And he leaves me to do it. Mostly. If he puts them away and it’s not right I have to choices. Change them to my way or suck it up.

I’m a domestic slattern. I’ve other talents, I’m very good at my very responsible professional job, but I don’t give a fuck about housework. We’ve talked about it, and when we do live together we will jointly pay for a cleaner.

You need to dial down the drama and hyperbole and talk it through first. It may be you need to split but you do sound quite particular and dramatic. And you’ve a young child and are pregnant which tests the strongest relationships.

Maybe think about joint counselling.

If everything he does wrong has a particular outcome (you now having to do it), it doesn't sound merely incompetent, it sounds deliberate.

I can't stand people who act like twats and then go all kicked puppy when they're made accountable for it.

Giving advice based on a system with a live out partner is ridiculous.
There’s enough difference in your ‘worked out’ list @Mdmd to split you quickly once you do. Come back when you’ve lived together 5 years when you’ve got a baby and don’t have time to be ‘super careful’ with his ironing any more and your domestic slovenliness pisses him off no end despite the cleaner.

Women on here have such low expectations. The idea that storing food so that it’s edible the next day (note that the DH wouldn’t even eat it either) is ‘particular’ or ‘high standards’ is bizarre. That’s just scraping basic competence.

I lived with my ex for 22 years. I know how to work it out between two people @TatianaBis.

We live together 66% of the time. Not all the time, but mostly.