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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave DH over left overs!

164 replies

Theruralrouse · 26/12/2020 13:14

NC as outing.

Only it’s not just about leftovers. When it comes to my DH I only ever have two options:

Option 1-
Me: (massively micro managing) Right, so Combine the meat products into one bowl and the veggies into another. Make sure to drain all the excess oil/water and cover them then put them straight in the fridge. Ok? You got that? Any questions?
DH: (eye rolling) I know how to pack up leftovers!!!

Option 2-
Me: Can you fridge the leftovers?
DH: yes sure.
next day
Me: (pregnant ugly crying at the uncovered mass of meat/veg soup sat in inches of oil and slop fluid and stinking of the strong smelling other fridge contents) FFS why did you even bother?
DH: (angrily) You just said fridge it. I’m not a mind reader!

It has occurred to me recently that when DH and I met I incorporated how he liked things. I make his food the way he likes, I wash his clothes the way he prefers, I generally do his stuff in line with his preferences. DH does all my stuff his way, unless I remind him every single time. He sees it as ‘no big deal’ and reacts with either angry silence or making out I’m over reacting. He is a wonderful father and provider and I think at this point that’s the only reason we are still together. We have no real relationship.

OP posts:
Username642243 · 26/12/2020 14:53

LTB
Boxing day leftover sandwich is the most important meal of the year

GazOnABender · 26/12/2020 14:57

I feel you OP! Mine is exactly the same and tbh, I'm pretty tired of having a 41 year old kid!
Mine took the kids out on Xmas eve and was literally 100 yards from McDonald's, but I had to get one delivered for when they got back because he 'can't deal with speaking to the drive through'!
Man children are extremely unattractive!

BareGrylls · 26/12/2020 14:58

Crying over the way leftovers were stored? Really?
It does sound to me that you are extremely fussy about things and he isn't.
I guess the answer is to be clear about what you want him to do if it's so important to you.

warmandtoasty2day · 26/12/2020 14:58

you say he's a good provider and dad, gives good foot rubs but you have no relationship Confused there is a lot more going on that draining the left overs, that i don't get at all.

BessMarvin · 26/12/2020 15:02

@BareGrylls

Crying over the way leftovers were stored? Really? It does sound to me that you are extremely fussy about things and he isn't. I guess the answer is to be clear about what you want him to do if it's so important to you.
I probably wouldn't call wanting food to be edible extremely fussy.
2020iscancelled · 26/12/2020 15:04

I really feel for you because there is no way on Earth I could be in a relationship with someone with such little regard or respect for me.

It’s not necessarily about doing it your way versus their way etc - we all have preferences on how we like things to be done, it’s intwined heavily from our childhoods a lot of the time and it can be difficult to merge these in relationships but what really stands out here is the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit about these small things which make you happy.
When you’ve shown him the grotty left overs and how he hasn’t bothered to sort them properly so you can’t have sandwiches- what does he say / do? When it’s inedible crap, does he say oh shit sorry yes I should have wrapped it better.... or does he roll his eyes and not give a shit that he’s ruined something you were looking forward to enjoying...

I couldn’t do it. It’s not the effort, it’s not the fact he’s a manchild and incapable (some people are just lacking in common sense and need heavy supervision!) it’s the fact he doesn’t give a fuck - not enough for a little voice in his head to go “oh let me do this properly so my pregnant wife can enjoy a sandwich tomorrow”

He sounds selfish, entitled and lacking in any regard for others.

AdaColeman · 26/12/2020 15:06

We have no real relationship.
Ask yourself if this true. If it is, you need to take some action about your future.
You've been over protective of him and his feelings, at the cost of your own self worth. He's realised this, so now he doesn't value your feelings either.

Change the dynamic in the relationship, start to value yourself, prioritise your own emotional & practical needs.

userxx · 26/12/2020 15:06

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

For the love of god, what does it matter if the sodding leftovers needed draining

The point is, OP does things the way her DP likes them done and he couldn't give a flying fuck how she likes things done

Yep 🙈

Hollybutnoivy · 26/12/2020 15:08

I feel for you OP. I got cross with DH earlier because when I unstack the dishwasher, I put everything away. When he does it, he leaves half the stuff on the side because "he doesn't know where it goes". I suggested that seeing as we have been living together for 17 years perhaps it was time to find out where it goes? It's just laziness!

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 15:09

You do things the way he likes
He doesn’t do things the way you like.
A- Do it yourself.
B. Compromise.
Do you have reason to believe he deliberately does things to irritate you or are his standards different?

RB68 · 26/12/2020 15:10

ITs called shut the fridge door and say to him can you sort the left overs properly or put them in the bin please

Hollybutnoivy · 26/12/2020 15:10

Also I don't know if this is applicable in your case but I do 99% of the cooking and if he "forgets" to put stuff in the fridge or cover it or whatever it's not his hours of work going to waste. I think if he actually took the time to prepare food he would be more aware of not letting it spoil.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 26/12/2020 15:10

Don't cry over it, make him eat it and get something nice for yourself.

Aprilx · 26/12/2020 15:11

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

For the love of god, what does it matter if the sodding leftovers needed draining

The point is, OP does things the way her DP likes them done and he couldn't give a flying fuck how she likes things done

I also didn’t see why leftovers would be in inches of oil and slop, where did this oil and slop come from if not part of the original meal. It might not be relevant in itself, but makes me think OP is hugely over exaggerating.

Anyway she needs to stop being such a doormat. When she met him she incorporated how he likes his washing being done? Shock. I haven’t ever done DHs washing 16 years on, he can do his own washing.

Elieza · 26/12/2020 15:12

That’s frustrating he has no common sense.

I’d be cooking for myself later, and leaving him the cold squishy leftovers, that’ll teach him to care better for them in future. Grin

VettiyaIruken · 26/12/2020 15:12

He's a wonderful father?
What does he do that makes him a Wonderful Father as opposed to a parent simply doing what a parent is supposed to do?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/12/2020 15:13

@DeciduousPerennial

It’s just really hit me how his stuff never goes wrong, he never gets let down or has stuff ruined for him whilst I routinely do

This is what you need to tell him. With the addition of “because I care enough to pay attention to how you like things and what you care about. I need you to do the same for me.”

^^ this.
JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 26/12/2020 15:13

It isn't about the leftovers!

rookiemere · 26/12/2020 15:15

I agree with @BareGrylls - if you wanted something done a certain way, you needed to do it yourself. Bit like DH and the laundry he's now barred from tumble drying it after a series of disastrous shrinkings.

I asked about the draining as I have never had to drain meat or veg after a roast, so it wouldn't occur to me to do it if I was the one packing up the left overs. Ditto I would put veg and meat together, can't see why it's a problem. Yes I would of course put a lid or cling film over them, but it's hardly crime of the century not to, and I don't get the stinking of the items in the fridge either - the leftovers from an unwrapped roast dinner shouldn't have much of an impact on other fridge items, unless they too were unwrapped.

Oldraver · 26/12/2020 15:16

Hang on, you do his washing ...the way he likes it done ?

OH once, once I tell you, made a comment that I was pressing his collars 'wrong'. Well he actually got halfway through, saw my face and apologised profusely.

He now does his own shirts

Hollybutnoivy · 26/12/2020 15:17

Bit like DH and the laundry he's now barred from tumble drying it after a series of disastrous shrinkings.

The trouble with this though is with a little bit of strategic incompetence on your OH's part, you end up taking on all household tasks. Which is moreorless what I have done. Mug.

Kimakima · 26/12/2020 15:18

@madcatladyforever

I've found over the years that if you ask a man to do anything in the household they will do it as badly as possible so they never get to do it again. Its how they train their maids to do all of the housework. As you've probably guessed I've been married a few times and now choose to live alone.
Speak for yourself. My husband is very domesticated and can be trusted to do adult jobs every bit as well as me. I can’t believe how many women on here are partnered with, and go on to have children with a man child.
NewlyGranny · 26/12/2020 15:19

Why not pick a clam moment and just tell him what you've told us? Explain how you've adapted and gone with every single thing he's asked you to do and only needed telling/showing once, giving a few examples, just to make his life easier and more pleasant. Make clear you did it purely for love, not because you thought his way was better or even that it really mattered much how something was done. Even though none of it was a big deal, you went with what he wanted.

Then ask him whether he could manage to reciprocate in the matter of leftovers. It's not a big deal but it would make your life easier and more pleasant, so can he find it in his heart to act out of the love he has for you and drain, sort and cover the leftovers your way every time without being micromanaged.

If he says no, he needs to see that the message is that he doesn't love you enough to give way in such a small thing, while you have shown your love by giving way in many small things. Does he even notice or comment on how you have adapted to meet his requests or is it all just taken for granted because his way is the only way?

My DH deals with leftovers by balancing plates or even saucepans in the fridge uncovered. It's sheer laziness. Luckily we have fridge drawers or we would have had broken crockery by now! There is a range of containers and lids neatly stowed ready in a pull out box, but he won't use them. It's not a big deal to me because I don't do lots of the stuff you're doing for your DH, but if it were, I'd have to address it!

NewlyGranny · 26/12/2020 15:19

A calm moment! Not sure what a clam moment is, but it sounds fishy...

NeedToKnow101 · 26/12/2020 15:23

😂😂 I liked the clam moment.