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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave DH over left overs!

164 replies

Theruralrouse · 26/12/2020 13:14

NC as outing.

Only it’s not just about leftovers. When it comes to my DH I only ever have two options:

Option 1-
Me: (massively micro managing) Right, so Combine the meat products into one bowl and the veggies into another. Make sure to drain all the excess oil/water and cover them then put them straight in the fridge. Ok? You got that? Any questions?
DH: (eye rolling) I know how to pack up leftovers!!!

Option 2-
Me: Can you fridge the leftovers?
DH: yes sure.
next day
Me: (pregnant ugly crying at the uncovered mass of meat/veg soup sat in inches of oil and slop fluid and stinking of the strong smelling other fridge contents) FFS why did you even bother?
DH: (angrily) You just said fridge it. I’m not a mind reader!

It has occurred to me recently that when DH and I met I incorporated how he liked things. I make his food the way he likes, I wash his clothes the way he prefers, I generally do his stuff in line with his preferences. DH does all my stuff his way, unless I remind him every single time. He sees it as ‘no big deal’ and reacts with either angry silence or making out I’m over reacting. He is a wonderful father and provider and I think at this point that’s the only reason we are still together. We have no real relationship.

OP posts:
MRex · 26/12/2020 16:36

@evenBetter - whether there was a tiny drizzle of oil that collected at the bottom, or the food was sitting in inches of oil, actually changes whether OP is being reasonable in getting upset about it or not. Do you usually ignore all the information before you decide if the OP is reasonable or not?

rookiemere · 26/12/2020 16:37

People are discussing their storage methods because there is more than one way of doing things. I have an exploding tupperware cupboard even though i only tidied it a month ago.

OP FWIW the needing a nap after sleeping until 9am is a much better example of his dickishness than failing to store leftovers in a way that meets up to your quite high standards.

ikltownofboothlehem · 26/12/2020 16:39

There's no point giving OP cooking tips or people telling her how they would have done it. The food has been cooked. The how is not the point.

Al1langdownthecleghole · 26/12/2020 16:47

@cuppycakey

Does he fail to adult when it comes to other people OP (his boss, his parents, best mates) or is it just you whose needs are routinely disregarded?
This is what it comes down to.
BigHuff · 26/12/2020 16:47

@hesaidshesaidwhat

Yep. Men will always put themselves first, women will always put themselves last. We're all socialised that way, and it's a hard dynamic to break.

AliceMcK · 26/12/2020 16:50

Micromanage until he starts doing things right and even then you may have to remind him occasionally.

He sounds just like my DH many amazing qualities, successful career where he’s very respected and often brought in to fix problems in other areas, good provider, father, excellent at foot and back rubs, but it’s like having an extra child who needs step by step instructions when it comes to home.

DSIL told me when we first got together he needs someone to tell him what to do. I never wanted that, but eventually I realised it’s what I needed to do. It’s like a switch when he gets home, he lives in his own little bubble. I have my own theory’s why he’s like this.

It works much better now, there are no arguments and he’s happy following instructions. Occasionally he’s come back with “I know how to do it” but very rarely. Out of the 2 of us I’m the one that’s more particular about certain things and need them done a certain way.

I’ve told him he’s like a bloody robot, if I don’t programme the instructions he dosnt do it right. It’s just the way he is and it dosnt bother him. Over time it’s gotten much better, but I’ve also adjusted and don’t overly criticise everything like I use to do.

GhostofChristmasPresent · 26/12/2020 17:12

@GazOnABender

I feel you OP! Mine is exactly the same and tbh, I'm pretty tired of having a 41 year old kid! Mine took the kids out on Xmas eve and was literally 100 yards from McDonald's, but I had to get one delivered for when they got back because he 'can't deal with speaking to the drive through'! Man children are extremely unattractive!
🤣🤣🤣

Not that similar hasn’t happened in our house though

😐😬

Mdmd · 26/12/2020 17:19

I put my leftovers together and don’t separate meat and veg particularly. Also didn’t drain them.

Nobody died.

EffYouSeeKaye · 26/12/2020 17:25

This is obviously a very serious problem for you both if you feel you have no real relationship with your dh anymore.

You will only resolve it by having a conversation about how you really feel. If you make it plain how you are feeling your wants and needs are treated as unimportant and his contribution is still simply that he thinks you are being ridiculous then you probably need a relationship counsellor. If he’s not interested in that either then you need a solicitor.

I hope he listens and takes on board what you are really trying to tell him. He needs to understand that it’s not about the leftovers...

SunshineCake · 26/12/2020 17:28

@Mdmd

I put my leftovers together and don’t separate meat and veg particularly. Also didn’t drain them.

Nobody died.

Really. That's the best you can do. I wouldn't bother in future as it doesn't help or support the OP.
Tal45 · 26/12/2020 17:29

How do you wash his clothes the way he prefers? Surely you just put it all in the washing machine? Why do you cook food the way he likes? Do you really never cook it the way you like?
If you always do it that way I guess he probably just thinks that's the way you do things and he doesn't really care if the food is greasy so doesn't bother draining it.
I'd just ask him in future to drain it before he puts it in the fridge, if he says he knows what to do then just remind him that he didn't seem to on this occasion.

NaughtipussMaximus · 26/12/2020 17:29

@Hollybutnoivy

I feel for you OP. I got cross with DH earlier because when I unstack the dishwasher, I put everything away. When he does it, he leaves half the stuff on the side because "he doesn't know where it goes". I suggested that seeing as we have been living together for 17 years perhaps it was time to find out where it goes? It's just laziness!
Jesus Christ, I’m not sure how he’s not under your patio. Not a jury in the land would convict.
NaughtipussMaximus · 26/12/2020 17:30

That’s not sarcastic, btw - tone isn’t easy to read sometimes - I’d genuinely be homicidal after years of that.

Mdmd · 26/12/2020 17:30

It’s a drama over nothing. They have a small baby and she’s pregnant again.

Hormones. Lack of sleep. Bad combination.

She could have left the stuff another half hour or an hour and put it away her way if she was so particular.

Plus. The stuff was put in the fridge. It’s not like he left it all sitting on the side all night.

This is such a non event.

BertieBotts · 26/12/2020 17:33

I think you need to tell him this:

It has occurred to me recently that when DH and I met I incorporated how he liked things. I make his food the way he likes, I wash his clothes the way he prefers, I generally do his stuff in line with his preferences. DH does all my stuff his way, unless I remind him every single time.

And also:

"I was really looking forward to a leftovers sandwich all day, it was really disappointing to find that I was unable to make one because all the food had been left in soggy oil and gravy and hadn't been separated properly or covered up."

B3ttyBoop · 26/12/2020 17:39

it's not difficult to understand that leftovers need to be stored properly in the fridge without a load of slop and old gravy. You need to be doubly careful with food hygiene atm if you're breastfeeding. I think he's being a lazy, immature eejit. Can appreciate it must be hard going if you've been up at stupid o'clock looking after the baby and the bigger baby is just lolling about.

JinglingHellsBells · 26/12/2020 17:40

You are babying him.

I'd take being able to do chores and basic life skills above a foot rub any day :)

coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 17:41

@Tal45

How do you wash his clothes the way he prefers? Surely you just put it all in the washing machine? Why do you cook food the way he likes? Do you really never cook it the way you like? If you always do it that way I guess he probably just thinks that's the way you do things and he doesn't really care if the food is greasy so doesn't bother draining it. I'd just ask him in future to drain it before he puts it in the fridge, if he says he knows what to do then just remind him that he didn't seem to on this occasion.
I'm very fussy about how I wash my clothes (cycle, temperature, delicates/wool/silk, length of wash etc). I have anyone doing my laundry.
NaughtipussMaximus · 26/12/2020 17:46

@greenspacesoverthere

, DH slept till 9am and has already had to have a nap because he’s ‘sooooooo tired’!

You and the children deserve better

Spend a little time working out if he can be that better

If not, get rid

Oh God, I feel judged here! DH let me have a lie in AND I had a nap this afternoon. I hope he doesn’t decide he deserves better.
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 17:49

@cuppycakey

Does he fail to adult when it comes to other people OP (his boss, his parents, best mates) or is it just you whose needs are routinely disregarded?
And that's it, in a nutshell.

"It has occurred to me recently that when DH and I met I incorporated how he liked things. I make his food the way he likes, I wash his clothes the way he prefers, I generally do his stuff in line with his preferences. DH does all my stuff his way, unless I remind him every single time. He sees it as ‘no big deal’ and reacts with either angry silence or making out I’m over reacting"

Well, the simple answer is that from now on do things the way you like, to your preferences, and should he complain tell him you see it as 'no big deal'. If it is a big deal he can either do them himself or grow the fuck up and recognise you as an adult and equal and not his personal domestic device.

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 17:49

He certainly doesn't sound like a wonderful father or man.

He sounds like an angry twat that does things badly, even after being asked by his breastfeeding wife.

Instead of putting the food away in a palatable manner, he took the easy way out and created kitchen slops that are probably only fit for the bin.

Selfish pig OP.

Nice men don't shout down their wives when they have deliberately fxxked upthrough laziness.

You need to raise that bar of yours.

Flowers
Whythesadface · 26/12/2020 17:58

Thank him for napping, as he can now do tonight

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2020 17:59

[quote Theruralrouse]@Annoy
He’s a very functional adult just not in the ways that matter more to me than him![/quote]
Then he's selfish (and careless)

I'm not sure how that makes him wonderful.

Have you ever had a proper conversation about this?

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2020 18:00

@Mdmd

It’s a drama over nothing. They have a small baby and she’s pregnant again.

Hormones. Lack of sleep. Bad combination.

She could have left the stuff another half hour or an hour and put it away her way if she was so particular.

Plus. The stuff was put in the fridge. It’s not like he left it all sitting on the side all night.

This is such a non event.

But I assume it's now inedible.

So not a non-event.

And honestly? Am sick of every woman's issue being blamed on 'hormones'.

Maybe, just maybe, she has a point.

MintyMabel · 26/12/2020 18:06

I’m just wondering how there is more than one way to do washing.