Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did you have children?

148 replies

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 12:46

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 12:47

Why they have them* damn not being able to edit posts on here!

OP posts:
NothingIsWrong · 26/12/2020 12:49

I wasn't averse to the idea, but then I fell pregnant accidentally. Luckily for me, it's all worked out well. We are now married and have two more.

ludothedog · 26/12/2020 12:49

Biological urge I suppose. I've always known I wanted to be a parent and the thought of not having a child was devastating. It was not something I could compromise on. DD continues to be my dream come true and my most important accomplishment in my life, even if she is a grumpy teen now Xmas Grin

chaosisaladder · 26/12/2020 12:49

Honestly - I got told I’d struggle to have kids and so then it just became something I HAD to do. It was all I could think about.

wellthatsunusual · 26/12/2020 12:50

Because I had an unplanned pregnancy. And then after having had my first, I felt that I wanted a second, although I can't really put my finger on why.

PussyMalanga · 26/12/2020 12:54

I got to age 38 and had a mad, obsessive biological urge, after being pretty certain I didn't want them before.

Meredithgrey1 · 26/12/2020 12:54

No idea, totally illogical and I don’t actually particularly like parenting 18 month old DD but there is still a part of me wanting a second.
Trying to resist that urge for now, god knows where it comes from, I’ve barely got over the horrific PND I had that resulted in me being seriously suicidal.

That’s probably not the rosiest picture of motherhood..

Frolicinameadow · 26/12/2020 12:57

I wanted them, so we stopped using contraception. I became pregnant several times but lost the pregnancies. Took a break and then one stuck. A few years later I felt I would like to try again so we did and it was first time lucky on that one. We can’t afford and don’t want anymore kids so we stayed at two.
That’s it really.
I have a work colleague who doesn’t have kids. I have never asked her if she is having them or why she doesn’t. She volunteers this information regularly followed by comments like “most people have children and rear them to be incompetent idiots so I didn’t want to do that”.
I just nod and smile.

JuneFromBethesda · 26/12/2020 12:58

I always knew I wanted to have children. I grew up in a happy family and my parents clearly enjoyed being parents, so it seemed like an appealing thing to do! I have two children and love them very much. I’m glad I had them.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2020 12:58

Firstly it's rude to ask someone why they don't have a child, people should mind their own business.
Now I do have children. I didn't always want then, my opinion was if it happens it happens. Then I got married and my husband and I both decided whilst on honeymoon that we would like a child. I can't really explain why except to say that we both wanted to be parents. Maybe it was part of the wonderful honeymoon experience and how lovely life was at that time.
It did not happen straight away, it took quite a long time and I absolutely did want a child. However I resigned myself to the fact that we might remain childless and threw myself into my work. Anyhow I had 3 much loved and longed for children. I would have had more if I could but it wasn't to be . I was a full time mother and whilst it was challenging I believe it was worthwhile. I absolutely love my children, now grown up. I have always put them first.
The one thing I will say is this; there are many , many people who should not have children. Society needs to stop pressuring people into believing it is the be all and end all, it really isn't and if you cannot make huge sacrifices then you should both have a child.
Top and bottom I think is you need to understand the huge level of commitment involved and if you can't commit to that then do not do it.

Northernsoullover · 26/12/2020 12:59

Its weird because I have never been maternal. I got pregnant by accident and thought I'm 30 may as well start my family. Went on to have another one. It turned out to be a good choice.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 26/12/2020 13:00

I desperately wanted children and built my entire life plan and life choices right from school around having them (flexible job, boyfriend who was up for marriage and kids, first home in school catchment we wanted etc). I suppose I pursued making it happen as doggedly as someone wanting to be a doctor or travel the world would plan and pursue and compromise to reach their goals.

It was a biological urge, partly, but it was also my absolute dream. My children are my joy and I am so so happy that I was lucky enough to have roughly as many as I wanted, roughly when I wanted them.

I was very selfish to have them. I don't wonder why people don't want them, other than the idle musing that those who love marathon running or being an archaeologist might wonder why others are blind to the wonder and magic and fulfilment. On a logical level I'm not fucking stupid and know that there are a million different ways to be happy and find purpose. And unlike marathons and archaeology, breeding isn't exactly a niche outlet that others might simply not have had occur to them... I assume not having kids is as active a choice (if it is by choice and not circumstance) as having them.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2020 13:00

Both = not

katienana · 26/12/2020 13:01

I wanted have a family of my own, to be the mum and to give my love to my children.

1990shopefulftm · 26/12/2020 13:02

I ve always wanted them and I m very maternal, I was always considered the sensible one in my friendship groups.

We have a 7 week old now and although my pregnancy was easy, we re leaning towards changing our plans and not having a second as my postnatal hospital experience was horrendous (no one warns you about sepsis being a possibility, I ve spoken to many mums who were also left too long after their waters broke and I don't have it in me to have that happen again) and financially it's much more responsible for us to have one child with our current circumstances.

Oooohbehave · 26/12/2020 13:02

Because I'm very family orientated. It never occurred to me not to.

Bunnybigears · 26/12/2020 13:03

I had children because I couldn't imagine not having them.

1992serpent · 26/12/2020 13:05

I wasn't sure if I wanted to have any kids growing up but just thought fuck it one day in my early 20s as I'm in my prime and things would be easier physically to deal with.

I'm intent on not having another though but hope that my wonderful DD has a few of her own for me to take care of come late 50s or retirement.

Mumtoalittlegirl · 26/12/2020 13:05

Life felt empty without DD, she completes me. I always knew I wanted her. Family is everything to me. Smile

ReallySpicyCurry · 26/12/2020 13:07

Because I wanted them

My first was an unplanned pregnancy, but I felt as though I knew her from very early on in the pregnancy.

My second was a suprise after we'd given up due to secondary infertility.

I like having them and I enjoy being a mother. Though right now I wish I could put the toddler on pause, as playing Peppa Pig Schools on a loop is not my preferred way to spend Boxing Day- that would be a book, wine, and leftovers. But there we go, the intensive stage doesn't last long and the book and wine will have their day once more

Gonkytonk · 26/12/2020 13:09

This may sound odd or sentimental .... but I missed my child before I knew her. I genuinely knew that I was supposed to have someone else in my life. It was probably broody hormones and all part of nature’s plan. But it’s the only way I can describe it. I missed her before she was born and once she was here all the colours in the world seemed brighter. Strange I agree, but you did ask lol Xmas Smile

Ihaveoflate · 26/12/2020 13:10

I never wanted children and got married on that basis. DH hit 40 and had some sentimental idea about having kids - midlife existential crisis stuff. I agreed to have one because I felt that on balance, the risk of regret was greater if I didn't have one than if I did.

Completely pragmatic, no maternal urge. I think we made the right decision (definitely one and done) but it's been very hard and my life would have been much easier without.

Oh, and I never ask women about there choices around children - even people I know quite well. It's presumptuous and irrelevant.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 26/12/2020 13:13

Unplanned pregnancy. Then biological urges took over. When I had 2 children I was airways looking around for the 3rd when we were out, I'd have little heart stopping moments panicking that I'd lost them. As soon as I was pregnant with number 3 that stopped.

pringlebells · 26/12/2020 13:16

Just wanted them with my DH. Wanted to create a small person with him, wanted to raise a family

MillieEpple · 26/12/2020 13:16

I think it was hormones. But i also like children. They are fun. And being honest and a bit morbid I like family times so wanted to make more family as my elder relatives passed on.