Why did you have children?

[FrostyChocolateMilkshake]

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know

@Icantrememebrtheartist

I didn’t have children, didn’t want any, then at the age of 39 suddenly started to wonder if I would miss out on an amazing life experience by not having a child. Around the same time I was made redundant from a job I loved and suddenly found myself thinking What have I got in life?

So....DC1 was planned, DC2 was a pleasant surprise and DC3 was one hell of a shock! 😊

@Icantrememebrtheartist wow ! Do you mind me asking how old you were with 2 and 3 ? I’m 38 now and thought I’m probably done now due to age !

To be my tiny monkey butlers

We’re both very logical and struggled for ages as to whether or not we should. Logically, there were lots of reasons not to, but I guess gut won out over our heads abs we started trying. I can’t quite remember the moment we decided.

Nobody's said "to look after me when I'm old" even though childless people get asked this a lot - who's going to look after you when you're old?

@TerrifiedandWorried

To be my tiny monkey butlers

How did that work out for you?

I always wanted children and I guess just saw it as a natural part of life. I was very broody in my late 20s. I did have a broody push for number 2 but I am most definitely done. I’ve reached my limit of what I can cope with I wouldn’t have 3 by choice even with a lottery win (I think my husband would). I’d guess some people have that feeling after 1 and some people have it and choose not to have children.

@CounsellorTroi

Nobody's said "to look after me when I'm old" even though childless people get asked this a lot - who's going to look after you when you're old?

There’s no way on Earth I’d want my dc to look after me when I’m old. Currently I’m seeing how mil struggles daily looking after her dm and how db is struggling looking after df and I do not want my dc going through that

From a big stable family as is my partner and we never thought not to do the same. Lucky enough to have no issues having children and seeing them all grow into well adjusted kind adults is the best thing ever for us. Seeing your children being kind to others is more rewarding then any exam result or pay packet they might achieve.

I'm surprised there aren't more posters saying to cement their relationship or by accident.

It's a biological urge, the reason and logic all fall on the not having children side. We have 1 DD and stopping there - she is wonderful.

Immortality!

I fell pregnant by accident, wasn't sure if I wanted children but when it came to a termination I couldn't end the pregnancy like that.

I'm a single parent but wouldn't change my life or my DD for the world.

Several reasons, I suppose. I wanted to share the experience with my husband. I wanted to raise a child. I love babies and children generally. I wanted to give the kind of love you give as a parent. I had seen the joy others experienced from their children and wanted the same for myself.

Because my OH wanted them, I don't know if I would have got round to it if it were left up to me, I'd have been too scared!

I'd never ask why someone doesn't want children though, I'm surprised people still ask in this day and age as it's pretty intrusive.

OH wanted a baby, I was ambivalent, so took a huge gamble!
Best thing I ever did, I love being a mum (most of the time!) We’ve stuck at one though (we’re both only children, so it’s normal for us)

DH and I had been together for 12 years, married for 1 when he suggested it. I remember thinking “My hangovers are getting worse and I can’t think of anything else that I want to do that sounds as fulfilling.” I was 33 when we decided, 34 when DS was born.

I’ve never had a strong biological urge. We chose to stop at one.

Our son brings so much joy into our lives! Before he arrived, being childless (not by choice) was increasingly dreary

@CounsellorTroi

Nobody's said "to look after me when I'm old" even though childless people get asked this a lot - who's going to look after you when you're old?

My dad always stated this as the reason as why I'm such a rubbish person. That I should be looking after him.

I've heard a lot of older people say they had children to look after them in their old age. They expect them to stay living close all their lives.

I want my children to make themselves happy in life. Not to feel the burden of guilt as I do with my dad.

I just wanted them... biological urge? The reality of one was enough!

beenherebefore I don’t mind at all We started TTC the month before I turned 40, conceives straight away but that pregnancy ended in a MMC. It then took exactly a year to conceive again, DC1 was born just after my 42 birthday, DC3 arrived when I was 43 and DC3 I was 45. I was very lucky.

It’s a fair question actually
It seemed like the next thing to do
Like I never considered the ramifications
Whereas here I am , single
Mother and attending parenting courses as I’m so scared I’ll fuck them up
It’s such a major responsibility
And yet anyone can do it

I definitely don't expect my children to look after me in old age. Who knows whether we will even be living in the same country. If I follow the pattern in my family I'll get to my 80s then die suddenly or from a short illness. If I'm fortunate enough to live beyond that and need care I'll pay for it. I'm not my children's responsibility.

Oops beenherebefore that should’ve read DC2 when I was 43 and DC3 when I was 45

Well... Ds was technically a contraceptive failure. But we were already married, knew we'd want to ttc in a year and had relaxed our method of contraception (in preparation for ttc). So it wasn't a disaster. Actually a rather welcome surprise.

Anyhow. I simply wanted children. Knew I wanted at least one ever since I was... 19? 20? 🤔

DH wanted kids as well (still wants more actually. I wouldn't mind a 2nd DC either.)

I had a very strong biological urge, the strongest urge or need I have ever felt in my life. I was also under a lot of family pressure and I am extremely family orientated. Only have one though and no plans or desire for any more.