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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why did you have children?

148 replies

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 12:46

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know

OP posts:

CarlottaValdez · 26/12/2020 14:37

Definitely FOMO for me. I didn’t have any particular biological urge but I got to 35 and thought i didn’t want to miss out on such a huge bit of the human experience. I was curious I suppose - especially about giving birth. Also DH was quite keen and was up for being a SAHD.

Anyway then I was right about pregnancy and giving birth (loved both) then bitterly regretted the project for about a year. Just couldn’t believe I’d ruined my life. Then the sun sort of came out. Now he’s six and he’s my favourite thing in the world. I actively like hanging out with him (as well as loving him). Still very early in the journey I suppose.

collywobbly · 26/12/2020 14:39

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

I decided I got too much sleep and had too much free time and money on my hands

same

Wouldn't have it any other way though well, mainly

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/12/2020 14:40

First baby....

I was excited by the idea of being pregnant, it felt like a “grown up” thing to do, I was swept up in the lovely idea of a baby growing in me, it made me feel happily giddy and that’s where my decision making process stopped.

It wasn’t a maturely thought out decision, it was all based on “think how amazing it would to be pregnant!”

I didn’t even give thought to the idea that a baby followed pregnancy and whether I actually wanted that responsibility in my life.

Second baby....

I knew how wonderful it was to be pregnant, to have a baby and to have a child and I wanted to do it all over again.
(part of the decision was also because I didn’t want my first son to be an only child.)

PattyPan · 26/12/2020 14:44

I don’t have children yet but I have known for a long time that I wanted them - strong biological urge. My best friend at uni and I used to discuss all the time about how broody we felt! I daydream about being a parent a lot and DP does sometimes too. We aren’t in the right circumstances for a baby yet but I’m hoping to start TTC at the beginning of 2022. I have PCOS and am concerned it might take a while so my resolution for next year is to work on my health to get myself ready for it.

beenHerebefour · 26/12/2020 14:45

@Icantrememebrtheartist

beenherebefore I don’t mind at all We started TTC the month before I turned 40, conceives straight away but that pregnancy ended in a MMC. It then took exactly a year to conceive again, DC1 was born just after my 42 birthday, DC3 arrived when I was 43 and DC3 I was 45. I was very lucky.

That’s amazing especially dc3 at 45 !

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/12/2020 14:45

I always knew I wanted kids, and that I wanted more than one (I was an only child). I then fell pregnant accidentally very young, and was adamant I was keeping the baby. Having had one it felt natural to go on to have more. But with hindsight it was kind of selfish.. I adore dc’s 2&3, they’re wonderful humans and we have great relationships, but I brought them into situations that weren’t financially secure, and into relationships which weren’t great, and that obviously negatively impacted dc’s one and then two.

Marchitectmummy · 26/12/2020 14:50

Didn't have any interest in children in early 30s but by mid 30s we both quite fancied the idea and haven't looked back. For us the want for children came quite quickly.

Bk21 · 26/12/2020 14:52

Me and my husband are in our late 20s. We've always been a go with the flow couple, we just see where life takes us. We had done alot of travelling, both found secure jobs and purchased our first house. Then I happened to find out I was pregnant without any planning. We didn't use contraception as we were fine with the idea of having a baby. I had my first child 5 months ago. Best thing that ever happened to us both. He has completed us, we are now one little happy family.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/12/2020 14:52

Biological urge I think, just felt like I wanted to have a baby with my husband, felt like a need especially after a miscarriage. I'm pregnant now and I love it, love seeing my belly growing and feeling baby kick and turn, it feels like the best gift.

Why do you go on holiday, or to a nice restaurant, not everyone wants those things, not everyone wants children. I dont understand why people want to go to sweaty, smelly, loud clubs and get drunk and walk home barefoot with a kebab but the heart wants what it wants.

Jackabobbo · 26/12/2020 14:55

I had been with my partner for nearly 5 years, suspected I was infertile or would have issues conceiving (I've got health issues that can, but don't always, affect fertility). At the time I thought my partner would be a great father and that he and I would be together for life. Neither of us had strong feelings about wanting or not wanting children. We decided to give it a try and see what happened and that if I didn't get pregnant we would accept it and leave it at that. Sort of 'let fate decide'.

I had one early miscarriage but actually got pregnant very easily after that and had our dd. It was a difficult pregnancy though, not in terms of the well-being of the baby, but because of my health issues it placed a huge strain on my body in ways I was not expecting, and that completely changed a lot of things for me.

My relationship with my partner changed too, I realised he wasn't who I thought he was, and I looked back on your relationship and realised the signs of control and abuse had always been there, I'd just been blind to it. It all ramped up after dd was born, as so often happens.

So that's why I had her really - went in expecting I couldn't and then turned out I could. I'd not have another as my body has never recovered. I wouldn't give her back but my life would have been easier and very different if I had made different choices.

I'm never sure why other people are so concerned about why others choose to not have children. I also think it's an insensitive question as I know there are many people out there who actually would love to have children but can't either because of infertility or practical reasons.

AutoIncorrect · 26/12/2020 14:56

I had kids because I am a fucking idiot.

whereisthejoy · 26/12/2020 15:00

@Fuckstickss it happened to me at 37... after saying my whole life it wasn't for me! Absolutely love being her mum, wish I could stop wondering if I should have another given I'm coming up to 41!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 26/12/2020 15:13

Because what else is there?When you've holidayed where you want, eaten in the fancy restaurants, had the lie ins and lazy days, had the career? No one ever had "good employee" on their headstone.

What else is there? Freedom, money, choice, more countries, more restaurants, more lie ins ....

No one ever had "good employee" on their headstone.

Maybe not. But it's a cracking idea.

AriesTheRam · 26/12/2020 15:31

It was a combination of a biological urge and the fear of missing out of having a family of my own.

Snapcat · 26/12/2020 15:39

Hard to put into words. Probably half biological instinct and half because I had a very happy childhood and thought I’d be a good parent and be able to create a happy childhood and good foundations for adult life for my children, albeit in a different way.

Original poster

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 16:02

So many honest opinions and interesting experiences on here. I am not broody, I'm not the maternal type. But I want children because I feel I'd miss out on having a family of my own. It's a mental tug of war sometimes.

OP posts:

Splann · 26/12/2020 16:13

Me and dh both come from big, busy, loving families. We studied, travelled and worked abroad in our 20s but wanted to create that warm, busy home for ourselves in our 30s. Children were part of that idea of a home for us so we had them.

TerrifiedandWorried · 26/12/2020 16:58

@Djouce it took a while longer than I hoped but all 3 can make a decent cup of tea and fetch my phone charger

Wanderdust · 26/12/2020 17:07

I'm pregnant right now and have never felt broody ha ha! Never had the whole maternal urge and my decision was more timing based/rational - it just got to a point that I wanted something more than my job, holidays, etc, I feel like my husband and I were ready to move to that stage I guess? It's just a good time for us right now, great jobs, own our home, did the whole travelling thing, etc. Also I'm 35 now so yes, age did come into our decision and ultimately, I did want a family of my own one day. That must sound really odd to people but thought I'd put my thoughts out there as people do have kids without the crazy, primal urge! My best friend was also like me too.

Wanderdust · 26/12/2020 17:16

Oh I should also add, like others, I also wanted one with my husband - he's an amazing man and will be a wonderful father! So OK, some romantic notions to our decision

VettiyaIruken · 26/12/2020 17:21

Instinctive drive to reproduce

Hailtomyteeth · 26/12/2020 17:28

Longing to be a mother from the age of four. Desperate to conceive from puberty. Had one baby at 24.

If you don't really want children, don't have them. You (one) do no-one a favour by bringing them into this world, it's just selfish. Leave them wherever they are, in peace. It will hurt you to see them suffer and you will know you could have protected them by controlling your own urge to reproduce.

Cam2020 · 26/12/2020 17:29

I couldn't imagine being a mother but as I got older I couldn't imagine getting old and not having had a child either. More and more friends started having babies and I started finding them quite cute when I'd always been indifferent. I had an unplanned pregnancy (the plan was to try the following year) and decided to go with it and have never regretted that decision for a second.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/12/2020 17:30

I have DD (7) because it was a snow day and we went to the pub! I never wanted children and she was a pure accident. My life without a child was easier, more fun and much more free. Things have grown easier as she has got older but if I had remained childless I wouldn’t have felt like anything was missing.

tsmainsqueeze · 26/12/2020 17:32

I met someone who i knew i would want to be with always and even though kids had never crossed my mind i found myself wanting to have one with this man .
It was mutual and we had 3 !.

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