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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did you have children?

148 replies

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 12:46

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know Smile

OP posts:
sixthtimelucky · 26/12/2020 20:30

Massive biological urge, always loved babies, no brainer.

sixthtimelucky · 26/12/2020 20:31

But yes if you don't want them don't have them for sure. They are hard work even when you are fully committed to parenthood!

HalfBrick · 26/12/2020 20:32

Wasn't fussed on having babies in general but wanted DH's babies. Biology?

IdblowJonSnow · 26/12/2020 20:36

I got to my mid 30s and wasnt totally sure but it felt like time was ticking and I didn't want to regret not having a child. It was really hard and took me a long time to find my feet as a parent. Then my 2nd was a total surprise.
I love my children dearly but it definitely doesn't come easily to me.
If I'm honest I miss my old pre kids life and the person I was. I got screwed over at work and have never got back to where I was financially or physically. I also feel a lot less intelligent than I did pre kids. I only have so much mental energy and capacity and it tends to go on family life.
It's bloody hard work that's for sure!

JonHammIsMyJamm · 26/12/2020 20:36

In retrospect, it was a desire to create a secure, happy family and erase my own disastrous, damaging childhood (healthy!). I didn’t realise it at the time, I just thought I was ready to have a baby. Thankfully, I chose a stable, good man and it all worked out but it could’ve so easily not.

I love and adore my children but think I could’ve been equally as happy as a child free person.

zzizz · 26/12/2020 20:56

I think those people are idiots Notadramallama - but on the other hand, you could say that people who have children already know what life would be like without them, whereas the opposite isn't necessarily true.

I'm childless myself after trying and failing. I remember the biological urge just clicking in in my early 30s after never wanting them - I remember the exact moment actually, like it was yesterday. It was really strange.

whatkatydid2013 · 26/12/2020 20:57

I just suddenly found one day I wanted them. I had years with my OH when I wasn’t bothered and neither was he then all of a sudden we were. At some point in my early 30s we went to a friends wedding and his extended family were all there and guess it made us think about how much we love spending time with my extended family and how we’d miss having the sort of relationship my parents have with us when we were older. Around the same time lots of friends had kids and we enjoyed doing more child centric things with them. All of that combined with the thought that we likely had a limited window when having kids would be possible made us stop and have a serious conversation about it and we came to the conclusion that we just felt like it was a good time in our lives to start a family and that we both wanted to have a little person that was part of both of us. We have two daughters who are now 6 & 4. There are times it can be hard work, there are times I miss the free time we had pre children but I wouldn’t wish to change things. I think if you look at it from a very practical point of view it never makes sense to have children. They cost lots of money, you have to devote a huge amount of time and effort and headspace to them (or at least you probably should), they create constraints in choices you have available in other areas of your life. Unless you just decide you want children there is absolutely no logic reason you’d choose to have them. I’d never ask why people don’t have kids. I assume it’s because they either don’t want kids (which seems perfectly reasonable) or they did want kids and weren’t able to have them (in which case asking would be rather cruel)

GuiEtVin · 26/12/2020 21:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Happyhedgehog20 · 26/12/2020 21:03

@emilybrontescorsett well said! If I had known how hard it can be, I don’t know if I’d have children.
There is absolutely a very happy and fulfilling life to be enjoyed for anyone who chooses not to have children and people making that decision should never be treated as though they’re missing out.
That said, I wouldn’t change mine for the world. 👶🏻😍

Draineddraineddrained · 26/12/2020 21:27

@JonHammIsMyJamm snap Grin not a brilliantly sensible form of therapy but by heck it works!

Always swore I was too fucked up by my childhood to have kids. Then my sister had her babies and OH MY GOD I loved them so much. And I thought "but I've learned so much from what we went through, and I have so much love to give...." Probably biology was working on me too without my knowledge. Had DD at 32 and it was the very best thing I ever did.

Did however throw me into a bit of a bad place psychologically, as having your own and loving them like that makes ones own childhood memories all the more confusing and inexplicable and painful.

Also highlighted the dysfunction in my and DP's relationship and, if I'm 100% honest with myself, hasn't been good for his mental health. I think he'd have been happier and healthier not being a parent (although he was up for the project at the time!)

We're having another one now, because we don't want DD to be an only, because I really want another baby, and because we both agree that long term that's what we want our family to look like. But I know going through the early years again will be hard on him (DD is nearly 4 so we're just getting to the "easy" bit at last!), So I know I will have to be stronger this time and expect less from him than I did first time - the gap between my expectations and his capabilities, alongside my pretty much total investment in DD to the exclusion of our relationship, caused HUGE issues last time.

But basically the reason to have them was love. I wanted someone to love. And I love loving her more than anything else I've ever done.

CounsellorTroi · 26/12/2020 21:41

I think those people are idiots Notadramallama - but on the other hand, you could say that people who have children already know what life would be like without them, whereas the opposite isn't necessarily true.

I'm not sure this is true. If you have children you can't know what it is like to live a whole life without them, based on what your life was like before you had them. You had life before children not life without them.

TheGoogleMum · 26/12/2020 21:42

I felt like I always wanted them one day. Once we were married and owned a house it felt like we didnt have many reasons left to out it off. And then I found pregnancy and birth and having a newborn much harder than expected and swiftly decided that 'children' would become 'child that I've already had'. She's wonderful, it wasn't hard becuase she was difficult I just underestimated the experience, so now I dont really see why anyone has more than one (also lighthearted I get its more normal to have more than one)

JonHammIsMyJamm · 26/12/2020 21:43

@Draineddraineddrained, I’m not convinced it works as therapy! Mine are adults/young adults now and I agree wholeheartedly with you on the love bringing the pain and confusion into sharp focus. It is brutal.

Orangesarenottheonlyfruit · 26/12/2020 21:45

Why?
Broken condom and failed morning after pill.
Sometimes I wonder what might have been if one contraceptive had worked...

Northernmummy80 · 26/12/2020 21:48

Probably similar to why some people want to be a ceo of a company, something driven inside of me wanted kids. It’s by far the only thing I really wanted out of life.

whereisthejoy · 26/12/2020 21:51

My whole life I said I it wasn't for me. Then at 37 I lost a parent and while in the hospice, just thought what the hell am I here [earth] for?! And that was that. Fell pregnant quickly, much to my shock, and have a gorgeous DD now.

I've loved every stage - don't think I want to do it again though, but I do find it hard hearing others' announcements. Pretty convinced we could get pregnant again easily but I'm not far off 41 and feel too old for it. I'm also one of 4 and although close to all my family, think I'm best suited to one and done.

This however is paining me - especially on top of covid where I've been unable to watch my DD make little friends. It sometimes feels she's the only little person in the world.

She's brought immense joy to my family and of course to me, I don't regret it for a nanosecond. I've been quite troubled about having brought her into this world that is a bit tits-up right now, but luckily have a very positive and optimistic DH to balance those thoughts.

Absy · 26/12/2020 22:00

I alternated between wanting and not wanting children, but when I met DH, I knew I wanted them. It hs been rough - we’ve gone through infertility treatments and a miscarriage. Babies and small children are hard work, but it’s worth it. They’re such sweet little people, and I love watching them get bigger and getting to know them better.

My SIL is single and in her 40s, and people frequently ask me (so I don’t know what it’s like for her) whether or not she wants to have children, or reminding me that she doesn’t have much time left. I don’t see why it’s anyone else’s business. She is a very good life - she has a career and a hobby that she loves. With everything that we’ve been through I’ve learnt not to ask. It’s none of your business if someone has 0 or 10 children, or what the age gap is. You may not have any idea what is going on in the background

Scottishskifun · 26/12/2020 22:38

[quote FrostyChocolateMilkshake]@Meowchickameowmeow just everything that comes with a family really! Days out, Christmases, bath times and tucking the children into bed...

(Although I realise I am probably romantising parenthood there!)[/quote]
It's a long way before you just tuck them into bed, bath time is fun til they refuse to get out or scream at getting in! Confused

I wasn't really maternal, still don't feel like I'm a "natural mum" I hate pregnancy and really struggled with it, didn't understand why everyone goes on about the newborn stage being so precious it's basically hell and a never ending survival course of sleep deprivation...... But my son is amazing and makes me smile every day even if he's spent 2 hours screaming/crying/tantrums. Seeing the world through his eyes you can't help but smile.... Why wouldn't you want to walk along by stomping like a elephant? Grin

They are hard work but also worth it my son is like therapy for some of my friends who we have distanced walks with he doesn't understand a pandemic and just enjoys being outside. They can't help but smile

CorpusCallosum · 26/12/2020 22:53

My mum kept telling me how great having kids was and I believed her Hmm

Tellmelies65 · 26/12/2020 22:55

Unplanned pregnancy the first time I then had a second as I didn’t want the first to be an only child. I love them both to bits and I’m glad I had them.

Frazzledme · 26/12/2020 23:27

I've been asked why I've had children and irritatingly far more than I've ever asked my child free friend why she hasn't had kids - which is never because she's always gone on, and on about why she doesn't want kids and how it's so annoying being defined by it, but not noticing that she's the one doing it.

I've never asked any women why don't have kids, some I'm not even sure if they do - it's not come up as a topic.

Anyway, I had children because I love being part of a family and for me having children was important to try to have in my family. I like the continuation of our story, history and legacies and I love my husband and it was the direction we wanted out life to go in. That and biology, people reproduce and it takes far more effort not to than to have children. Wouldn't have it any other way, I love my kids and being a mum. I used to think I'd be happy whatever - but now I can't see how I'd have been that happy without children in my life and I'd have probably found some way of having that involvement.

I'd love to say my friends that don't have kids are happy and fulfilled people, of course having kids doesn't make those things happen but it does make life easier in a lot of ways.

Onedropbeat · 26/12/2020 23:29

I never wanted them and then all of a sudden I did

The more it didn’t happen the more I knew I wanted them

Original poster
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 23:56

@Scottishskifun It's a long way before you just tuck them into bed, bath time is fun til they refuse to get out or scream at getting in!

Can you tell I don't have children 🤣

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